ok folks, it is a disrespectful judgment to tell your spouse that his EN is non essential. This poster needs some outside help to persuade his wife, which is why I suggested counseling with Dr Chalmers. She resolved this exact same problem in bitbuckets marriage and she now happily meets that need.

That is what you need to do, NM.

I should add that Dr Harley does not believe one should stay in a marriage where the other spouse refuses to meet his/her needs.

She used to meet the need well. But the past 2-3 years, particularly the past year she just won't.

She has fallen out of love. Fix that and you will fix the sex problem. How much UA time are you getting?

And I read after my post that you are on a strict budget and can't swing counseling. I would encourage you to ask Dr Harley and Joyce for help.

Yep, see if you can get her to talk to them on the radio show. Or talk to both of you.

What has happened in the last year? Has either of you had an affair? Ever?

NeedMeeter, please contact the moderators about the use of multiple aliases. Thank you

TOS: multiple aliases, Hopeful_Hubby, Need_Meeter

Needs_Meeter,

If this is your original thread
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=166570&Number=2629941#Post2629941

Then why did you change your usename and ignore the obvious huge relevancy??

You are dealing with a WW and false recovery.. a month ago?? People can't help you properly if you are presenting only one tiny part of the huge picture!!!

Good grief - the "obvious huge relevancy" was hidden on that thread at first, too, by the lack of a link to the very first thread!

This woman had a recent affair beginning before she was pregnant and continuing during the pregnancy (can we say "DNA test"?) and has been in contact with her OM very recently. The husband - whatever his name is - was due to be separated from her on military duty, for several weeks. The wife was in love with her OM and did not want her H to touch her in any way.

What is the point of this deception, Needs_meter? What do you hope to gain from it? How can leaving out hugely relevant facts help us to give the correct advice? How can we help you if we do not know the full picture of your marriage?

NM, I agree with you that it's a valid need. Your first post on this thread said you brought it up the other day, so I had no idea you two have been working on this since May. What I was thinking when I posted, but forgot to include, was the saying we hear a lot here, Feelings follow actions. When you two are working a strong plan of recovery she will feel connected to you again. They talk about hysterical bonding and all that, so that's something to look forward to. I hope the best for you and your family.

I read a little of your story, man, I am so so sorry to see you go through this. I don't like what you did creating a second alias but I can totally understand wanting the problem to be a small, easily solvable one instead of the huge mess ahead to work through. But sadly wishfulness and minimizing is the opposite skill-set than the one your family needs from you right now.

There is hope, folks do come back from this stuff. Do you have life experience leading folks or your family through crisis back to safety to draw upon? If not, this experience will be a massive opportunity. I wish you two fortitude and strength through the journey ahead.

Thanks for the encouraging words. I suppose you're right. Things have improved a lot, and I feel like I need to let go of the past and focus on the present and future. We've definitely progressed, but nowhere near where I want to be. We had a ptetty good marriage before all this, I just felt we had 'typical' marital problems. Obviously I underdiagnosed our problems. She's almost done reading SAA, we're doing the MB online program and she's going to start HNHN this week. I've been going forward with the reading like a vengeance and doing my best to implement these MB principles into my life the best I know how. I come here and read lots of stories here for encouragement and fortitude. I don't think a D is necessary in our situation at all, but I want to have a happy and satisfying marriage as well. I just don't get it. I stil have some pretty severe down days. My wife IS trying, I see her efforts, it's just sucks seeing her down and depressed because she can't talk or see the posom. She haphazardly saw him the other day at the store we were at. I didn't see him, and he didn't see her, but she saw him and it was definitely a set-back. She told me immediately, but it was so bothersome to see her in a funk for a week or so afterwards. The guy's a total loser too, cheated on his wife at least one other time and is a pathological liar. Why would she be so reluctant to let go of her feelings for the posom?

Not a word of explanation for your dishonesty here?

Do you really think that if you simply don't acknowledge that your marriage is not recovering from the affair, that everything will be okay? You can see that it's not okay because you had to post here about her denying the legitimacy of your needs, and refusing to have sex with you. She's still in love with the other man, she's had recent contact with him, and their affair was much deeper than you have cared to explore.

She has contact with him when she saw him "the other day". This affair is still in your marriage. Why are you still living anywhere in his vicinity?

You can deny our posts and respond only to the post that "understands wanting the problem to be small", but it isn't small and you're in denial. But that's your choice and your prerogative.

NeedMeeter, please contact the moderators about the use of multiple aliases. Thank you

TOS: multiple aliases, Hopeful_Hubby, Need_Meeter

Her seeing the POSOM isn't a 'setback' - its disastrous.

An addict doesn't love anything or anyone. Won't give a hoot about needs. A WW will feel ill at the idea of SF while still an addict.

And she got her last hit of the drug the other day?

She'll never recover then. She's now back to day one of withdrawal from POSOM. All your efforts between Dday and contact have been thrown out by this contact.

You do realise that women can't love two people at once? Feel sexual while out of love?

Also that some waywards have returned to the OP after TWENTY years recovery?

And yet paths with POSOM are being crossed!

That needs eradicating.

And your deception is a big deal. Suggests RH isn't really understood and its disrespectful.

Bad for recovery advice too. You're wasting time.

I'm sorry. I was simply looking for a fresh perspective om the situation from this time going forward. That's why I tried this. I apologize.

What do you mean by a "fresh perspective"? Do you not see my point that concealing your background is a waste of everybody's time? How can the advice be correct if it is made in ignorance of deeply important facts? How can it help you if you try to implement it and it's based on the wrong information?

Do you not see this?

Pointing this out AGAIN, having pointed this out on the last thread, and having you ignore the point I am making YET AGAIN on this thread (by talking about a "fresh start"), is like hitting my head against a brick wall.

Do you not see how futile it is to lie to us?

Sorry.

NM, I'm very worried about your MB knowledge.

Putting aside the fact you deliberately hid info from us by creating a new username - there is a basic problem with your knowledge of SF and WWs. And you are doing this solo, based on your knowledge alone without counselling help? And lying to the only free source of advice you have here?

You're doomed if you keep this up.

Do you really think you can solve individual problems like SF while ignoring their root causes, like a complete lack of NC?

Its like you have no idea of the link between her fog, lovebank for OM and her desire for SF.

Do you really think that if she accepts SF as a valid need for you (and why would a foggy WW do that?) That she will magically want SF again???? Um, no.

She doesn't want SF. She wants the OM, unfortunately because her attachment is being kept alive by proximity. Her withdrawal from him isn't being managed. Not one bit.

The two issues cannot be separated!

The MB plan doesn't sweep this stuff under the rug and focus on goals instead of root causes.

Eliminate the causes FIRST.

Indie, just an FYI:

They have had several sessions of telephone coaching during which WW refused to cooperate and told him that they did not need outside help. (All the while refusing to touch BH and mourning her OM, and maintaining secret contact.) They are now doing the online course, apparently, and she is reluctant about that also.

This is all in the thread in Recovery. They have been consulting with the Harleys one way or another for months, and we have wasted an entire day telling them to counsel with them. That is one of the results of his lying by omission.

All the time people have spent helping on this thread has been a complete waste of time.