Not sure if this is on the right board if not I apologize. I got a long story to tell and it kind of hits alot of different things.

Excuse me on my Grammar, its not very good.

Background
Wife (w)
3 kids (8,5, and 1)
Dated 5 years
Married for 10 years.
Ex-flame (not sure if he really fits into the picture, just hold on)

Studied
Read many books last weekend, ***edit***
Story (Try to give as much specific details as possible, without boring people).

15 years, when I met my her. She was in a wreck, school wasn't good, fighting with parents, her BF at that time was in Jail (she met him when she was 16 and majority of that time was sending letters back in forth)

At first it was a friend thing, i was just there for her through the tough times. But you all know that story, as time went, we fell in love. I knew about her situation with her ex-bf or whatever u want to call it back then. I never pressured her into a decision, i never talked about it unless she wanted to talk about it (to be honest, i don't recall she talking alot about him once we were in love). But i do know she felt guilt about leaving him like that. I dated her for 5 years, to give her space and time to make sure i was the one. When I felt the time was right, i proposed to her. She said yes. We both kept diaries of each others life when we weren't physically close (i still have it today). When we both got married we read each other diaries and it just made it even better to see and feel the love in that diary. But i knew in her heart she felt guilty about the lack of closure with her BF.

Before you think the problem is about the old BF, please continue reading because I know I am at fault on where we are today.

We had our 1st child and with that child came with alot of love. However 2 things happened. 1. Her in-laws moved in with us. 2. I thought i was ready to be a dad, however i wasn't ready to lose her focus on me. But I understood why things happened this way but unfortunately i never talked about it and i started to resent the situation. I didn't resent our child or the in-laws. I got along fine with the in-laws (really i do, they love me). At somepoint, our 1st child moved into our room, i didn't question it because i knew how much the child meant to her. So it never occured to me what a decision like this would do. For the next 3 years, thing was good, but little did i know it was the start of a downhill disconnect from my wife (both of us, didn't communicate it well, because well it wasn't that bad).

Then our 2nd child came and thats when i lost it, i knew something was wrong because we didn't have enough quality time together (not just talking about sex, i know she has a low sex drive and i have a high one (i guess most men have). We started to be critical of each other, less patience. Not saying it was super bad, but i noticed the small differences. I figure it was just due to work, stress, raising 2 kids. At this point, it wasn't super bad but i did try to confront her about this. I think she didn't think there was an issue at that time because her love was focused on the 2 kids. But when i brought it up, she couldn't understand. At that point i think i said things that hurt her feelings. I knew i should of went to therapy to open up discussions because I was a lousy communicator (or at least i think i am). But a few days later, after telling her about how i felt. I simply forgot it. We carried on for the next few years and once again, sure i felt it wasn't like it was used to be but I still loved her and the kids. So I just accepted it. I think during that time, i become a workaholic to escape my issues, which just made things worse.

Fast foward to our last child, we both decided at that time to have it because like i said i didn't think our relationship was super bad, just took it as "every couple goes through tough times". We both love our kids.

Ugly point of our lives.

I noticed several months ago, she started to get really critical of me. I do help around the house but it wasn't always good enough. I noticed times where our voices where raised (this wasn't often, maybe 1 once every week or 2 weeks). I knew she wasnt exactly happy. But the funny thing is, we still planned for vacations, we were going to buy a new house (pretty recent), we still acted like a mom/dad.

However with us buying a new house, i knew i couldn't do this anymore. I loved my W and i wanted to get that feeling back. So i finally re-confronted it, i wanted to try therapy, anything to work on love. I used to think love would just happen but after many readings (especially the book on The Truth about love). A couple goes through 2 stages of love. "Falling in love stage", where its easy to please each other to "True love stage", where it takes work to keep that love feeling going. So i confronted her, thats when she went from nice W to W i barely knew.

So she tells me, she has been feeling like this for a while the last year. Her uncle also passed away, which escalating that feeling. She tells me that famous line that i been researching. I love you, but not sure if I am in love with you. She of course also tells me, she reached out to her ex-bf. Remember, i told you she felt guilt about that situation. The problem is, when she reached out to him the guy professes his love to her and of course i knew the past, the lack of closure on it and the current issues. It would make her head very cloudy. At this point, i classifed that as an emotional affair. But she did tell me the day after she called him (which was Sat, when i talked to her it was Sun. She has always been upfront with me and i thanked her for telling me this.

The really hard part of the story.
She tells me the problem is between me and her and I agree, we were poor with communication. I hate myself for not doing the right things. I want to change it, i want to be a better person.
She tells me, its the "what if" event. Would it be different with this guy
She tells me, she wants to try therapy
She tells me, she doesn't know what to do.
She also tells me, she has to see him to see if she feels anything for me (which i know is bad)
She says, she isn't sure if our love was "Love" and it was just comfort.

I done alot of self-awareness and i know therapy (picking the right one) is important. I believe we can save this marriage, i want to be a better husband. I want to earn her love back.

I guess the question I am confused the most on is, was our marriage a lie? Or is this a combination of mid-life crisis, with h/w issues and wrong place, wrong time to call ex-flame?

One last question, for Therapy. Is a Social worker okay, PH D person, licensed marriage therapist?

Skip therapy. If you do want outside help, use the coaching center here, you can do it by telephone or online. Therapists have a very high failure rate, and can do more harm than good. For instance, you're likely to come across one that recommends that your wife explore her feelings for OM (other man...she is in at least an emotional affair). We had one who told us that my husband should leave me if I didn't trust him, and that no, him to STOP LYING never crossed her mind. Der!

Also, you should be in Surviving an Affair. Click notify at the bottom of your post and ask the moderators to move you.

If you could cut that down to about 3 paragraphs you would get more responses. I know I don't have time to read something that long. We don't need alot of details to GET the idea. The more details you post, the harder it is to understand your story.

His wife has reconnected with an old boyfriend, and gave him the ILUBINILWY speech. Wants to see him to 'be sure'.

3 kids.

Sorry MelodyLane

I guess since i already wrote, what i wrote, i will keep it there. If I post somewhere else i will cut it down.

okay i notified the moderators to move this thread.

I will look at the coaching center. But i totally agree with you on therapists. We went to our 1st session and i felt like an A-hole. The Therapist gave me a task to do and totally ignored the whole ex-flame thing.

oh, ok, thanks. He might want to have this thread moved to the Surviving an Affair board if he wants help. lostsoul, you oughta click "notify" and ask the mods to move this to the SAA board.

And please cut your post down, lostsoul. Make a new post with a condensed version. We don't need all that superfluous information. People here have jobs and families and many can't spend that much time reading an overly long post.

I wish you the best.

Therapists are awful! We had another who thought that during our first session we should do a comparison of each other to our former spouses. Uh, what??

Haha okay, I will cut down my post.

The Therapist skipped right over the part where i said, she contacted the old flame 1 day before I was going to start up communications to talk about it.

I gave the same story and the Therapist said I need to do the kids lunch. I understand i had faults and the conflict needs to be resolved but I am not the monster lazy H that sits around. I mow the lawn, clean the bathrooms, dishes, go to kids events, i don't watch TV, I do whatever is asked of me. The part i failed at was communicating and listening, only because i took it for granted. I understand it.

I encourage you to read Surviving An Affair by Dr Bill Harley.
She's probably already involved with this guy on Facebook or MySpace.
Get the book ASAP

The best source for you to understand how and why we love is Fall in Love, Stay in Love and His Needs Her Needs, both by Dr Willard Harley, owner of this site. You can order the books at a discount from this site (click "Bookstore" in the red area at the top of every page) or from Amazon. High-street bookshops and the public library might also have them.

Also, click Basic Conepts in the red area and read about the Love Bank, The Most Important Emotional Needs and The Policy of Undivided Attention.

You won't find anything as good or accurate anywhere else.

I can't modify my old post, but if you want to read the long version. You can at http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2668081#Post2668081

If not here is the short version
Married 10 years
3 kids

About 7 days ago, i started a communiation to try and fix/address our issues because i noticed we were drifting apart because of our busy lives. She tells me that she contacted her old flame just a day before and that started some old feelings. She is now confused about our relationship. Questions if it was really based on love. She has used that infamous line of "I love you but not in love with you", however she can't make up her mind what to do.

We saw a therapist last friday, which I will be changing. The Therapist we saw, didn't give me a warm feeling of caring about the situation.

W is on a trip (by herself) to think things through. I am hoping she comes to her senses, so we can work on saving our marriage. I want to be in love again with her.

She's on a trip?
Sir people don't go on trips to think.
They go on trips to have sex in motels

I went to Barnes and Noble and read many books. ***edit***
I think it hit many key points. The thing is, i know what I need to do now (I really do), i know all the things i did wrong. I just want her to give me a chance to try and save it.

HDW is right.

Engage a PI (you can probably do this online, right now) to get to her destination and observe her for a few hours. I take it that you know where she is? A PI will get evidence very quickly, if she's not alone. However expensive this might be, it will be the best money you could spend right now. You can't save you marriage if you do not know what is going on.

I know where she is at because credit card and phone records indicate different states where the guy lives.

The guy lives many many many miles away.

I may be a fool and I am probably it. But I still trust her. She could of hid the fact she called him for several months but she told me the day after she called. I verified this from the phone logs.

If i send a PI and she finds out, what does that say about trust?

QUoted for TRUTH! Be prepared for her to come back even MORE confused ... or even tell you its over. Get to the bottom of this. Put some snooping tools in place. Get going on PLAN A with a carrot AND stick!

MNG

I gave her an iphone...with iphone finder app

Do you think they couldn't have put together a plan to make it appear as such that they are not together? You got the ILYBNILWY speach? Thats a SERIOUS RED FLAG. I am sorry .. but I think your being trickle truthed .. I doubt she JUST spoke to him. WHen waywards give info .. there is usually a ton of under lying stuff to go with it that has not been revealed.

Shes out testing waters to see if this guy is right for her .. and using you as her back up now.

Get a keylogger on your home PC before she gets home ... add all her facebook friends to a note pad file. Get some intel on this guy. You got a ton of work ahead of you. Get the dirt and bring it here .. and DO NOT confront her with your evidence yet NOR tell her about this site. Its probably going to get uglier before it gets better.

Listen to the vets here ... they know what they are talking about.

MNG