Good point. Change the questions to ones that you can't get a yes/no answer to..

What are you doing tomorrow at work?

Then

How did that thing go at work?

Does she work in a primary or secondary school?

she works in a primary school and also looks after kids with learning difficulties

One thing i have noticed is she has started baking a lot in the last few weeks (this is one thing she used to do and stopped) i want to encourage her to do this more etc use admiration and would like to ask her to make some cheese scones (my favourites and she knows they are as well) so how would i best ask her this without it coming across as been selfish or demand etc

How about you ask her to teach you how to make them, then bake with her? Admiration and recreational companionship.

good idea but i want to her encourage her more with her baking and show to her it's something I acknowledge, admire in her abilities rather than coming across as "teach me and then I won't need you to do it in future"

Here is a wierd thing i have noticed, i dont say anything just observe, now given the situation that WW is either in withdrawal still and\or foggable and everything etc she says and doesnt do so how about tthe following.

1) I use a different type of toothpaste to her, mine runs out but i say nothing she goes out and buys me some without been asked etc.

2) Normally on weekends etc she doesnt ask if i want any lunch and just makes it for her and our son (fine by me as i dont eat lunch much). Today she comes home from supermarket with 3 tins of soup, specicially getting 1 in a flavour only I like. Next thing she is asking ME if i want some lunch etc . . . WTF lol

3) I asked her whilst she was out shopping a last week if she could pick me up some spray-on smellie, well she bought some and left on the side in the kitchen and said nothing and i didnt either. (i have taken the track of unless she says\offers something to me i will not assume it is for me) so yesterday after it had sat on side in kitchen for a week she has taken it upstairs and put it on my side without me saying anything.

Like i say i am in plan A and dont have expectations, but maybe just maybe these are little ways she shows something towards me like i have been told, ignore what comes out of her mouth and look at her actions. I do things to fufill her EN's and dont look for acceptance and\or reponses i just do them

You're overthinking it. Compliment the scones! Simple. Offer to help bake if you want UA time. Its a given that a WS will get huffy at times. It'll happen. Don't fear it.



Dave, these are tiny details. Overthinking!!!!!

She is still in the home isn't she? Hasn't filed for divorce either?

Then of course you meet needs for her, and she's not ready to lose them.

Indie honestly am not trying to overthink re the baking was just offering up how I would feel in her position and want to do the right thing

Re the actions I don't acknowledge them to her or use them to build me up just things I notice where her wayward talk n actions conflict.

Yep she still at home and not filed for separation or divorce or looking even yes I know I must be meeting some and trying hard to meet the important ones as well the hardest part is the ones I know are her top ones will require her to try as well such as conversation and UA but in the mean time I keep plugging away and presenting opportunities for UA time.

The biggest thing has been my stopping LB's (I have no tongue left from having to bite it so much) i can see this causes an inner conflict in her and she can't work out that why I am always so nice/pleasant/happy either with her no matter what she does or doesn't do

One think indie no matter where all this ends up I will owe you the biggest drink and bunch of flowers, you have stuck with me through this and I can't give u enough praise and thanks for you help n advice. I also thank everybody else who has posted and continues to as well you words/support/advice to me means a lot

Ah just pay it forward like I do. When I came here I was on the floor. The vets picked me up

Well this week i intent to have some more flowers delivered to her work with a note saying "just because..." as was suggested to me the other week to get me from the B+ to an A+ lol

Also this weekend our son is going away on friday night until later sunday afternoon on an ourward bounds course with school. So i am thinking of trying to do something for me WW like book a table in a restaurant, book a cab to pick her up form home etc and just send her an email\note etc saying that she has a date on saturday night, car will pick her up at xx

what do people think or could this come across as been pressuring\controlling like she says everything i seem to do are.

At what point shoudl i start to see some sort of reactions from my WW towards me and wanting to start to recover and reconcile, no matter how small these signs would be as i am guessing there isnt a light bulb moment at all. The worst part is that if i try and say anything it is view by her as controlling and\or pressure etc. I know if she would actually read the books i have she might start to think a little differently towards the fact that her feelings can come back and she can love me again like she once did and have a far far better marriage.

Dude, I know you're from Britain, and might have problems with American English, but do the words "NO EXPECTATIONS" translate clearly to your lingo?

A schedule of changes would be such an expectation, would we agree? Just stop THINKING about what, when, how, or why her feelings toward you might/can/will shift, and WORK to make it happen, okay?

Your tension about these things will show through, whether you believe it or not.

NG yeah i know fella (hope your a guy) and yes i know what it means, and yes a schedule of change would be an expectation. I am trying so hard in plan A to make it happy and i honeslty use this forum to let me tension out rather than to let her see it.

My only reason for asking is i have not been able to find or read anything on threads where changes in a wayward start to actually happen etc, been able to read positive threads would give hope to myself and others in my position. I seem to find lots of threads that turnout negative and they really dont help

Well this week i intent to have some more flowers delivered to her work with a note saying "just because..." as was suggested to me the other week to get me from the B+ to an A+ lol

Also this weekend our son is going away on friday night until later sunday afternoon on an ourward bounds course with school. So i am thinking of trying to do something for me WW like book a table in a restaurant, book a cab to pick her up form home etc and just send her an email\note etc saying that she has a date on saturday night, car will pick her up at xx

what do people think or could this come across as been pressuring\controlling like she says everything i seem to do are.

Someone with NO expectations would know they may never EVER see this. Will expect to do Plan B for a year and a half and for that to possibly not hit home, either.


It is controlling. It is pressure. She does get a say in this. She can choose not to do it.



But its OK for her not to feel that way. Utimately, she has very serious and real causes for divorcing you, in spite of her own transgressions. She has the right to choose whether to stay or to walk.

I know that's tough. But you are Plan Aing, you've exposed. You're doing the best you can here.
.

EXACTLY!!

The POSITIVE is that no matter what, you're going to make yourself a better spouse.

The kind of person only a fool would leave.

THAT is a success story, regardless of her choice.

I hear you indie and i continue to plan A was just feeling a little low that's all what did you think of my ideas for the weekend ? Also I remember what you said that she is still here not filed not looking so something is going on inside her head to stop her doing these things and if I am doing planA right it's me causing confusion

This is what NG meant about your tensions showing. Be a fantastic husband without craving her absolute approval. Do it for you, if that makes sense.

Confidence is attractive.



Your test question is not 'What would WW think?' But 'What would any reasonable spouse think?' If the latter q is a positive then do it. But expect a rubbish response.

I think its a very cool idea. Its quite caring when a man takes the initiative too. Tell her its all booked and act like there's no question of not doing it. But give her time to buy a dress, book a hair appt. And to cancel, if she wants to. Tell her now, I'd say. Something for her to look forward to this week.



This is what she will say to everything! Just be prepared to be James Bond instead of a kid who spent all his pocket money on a date and who will get into a strop if its not received well.

'You want me to cancel the arrangements? Why of course my dear. Your wish is my command. An evening at home, then. Ill cancel the restaurant and the car'

If she objects even to an evening at home just raise your eyebrows and smile like you know she likes it really. Zero tension. Fantastic acting.

Remember cancelling it suavely is almost more impressive than your arranging it.

It'll either pique her interest and she'll want to go ..or

Your graceful acceptance of her 'no' will mess with her propoganda of you as controlling.

Also I remember what you said that she is still here not filed not looking so something is going on inside her head to stop her doing these things and if I am doing planA right it's me causing confusion

Well, slightly contorted construction, but YES, you want her to start thinking about how enjoyable a new future with DND will be (carrot), while worrying about the risk, pain, and uncertainty that would accompany a decision to dissolve (stick).

Totally agree. She gets to choose her own card, but stack the deck as much as you can.

thanks guys and i am stacking the carrot deck as much as i can so any thought on the plan for saturday?

Exactly what you said sounds great.

Maybe float a little surprise in there somewhere..

Give her a handwritten invite with some loveheart sweets popped in...

Have a special song played while you're out...

At the end of the night gallantly bid her goodnight and leave her with a kiss on her hand. Its easy for men to do this even with a reluctant woman. Easier than the cheek. Had my hand kissed loads by mere acquaintances!..