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ANOTHER BS (me) FINALLY SEES THE LIGHT....Y'all were right. WH could not keep his "just business contact" promise. Only lasted 3 days... He has been continuing EA underground for 5 months, lying and gaslighting the whole time.
Here's the update:
We finally completed move to new state, WH arriving a week ago. He still had a few last items to finish on the old job, which would involve email contact with OW, so we were waiting on final NC letter until that would be done, a few more days. Since D-day 1, WH provided me reports of daily contact, indicating no personal contact. Snooping verified.
Aug. 29 I discovered emails on another address between between WH and OW, proving EA these last 5 months, plus emails all the way to the beginning of the A. I copied all to a file unlocatable by WH. Then I called him at work and said he had to come clean. Of course, he tried to fish around for what I knew, but I said no way, just get home and tell me everything.
He admitted that the A had never ended, that he was powerless to stop. He said he was relieved that I now knew, as the secret second life was too stressful for him. I kept my head throughout the subsequent revelations, avoided LB-ing for the most part. His plan had been to end everything once we got to final NC, and he hoped never to tell me. Of course, the closer he got to NC the more he panicked and kept pressuring OW to run away with him. Right up until an hour before I discovered them. Most of their contact had been in person at work (stairwells, parking lots, UGH!) and via secret cel phone. Oh, yeah, and BH discovered OW has cancer, which only increases his desire to protect her.
WH said he is now ready to end it w/OW and he would write NC letter (which needed a slight modification) and run it by SH, with whom we have been counselling, prior to sending. WH says in his head he knows it would never work with OW, but he is addicted. I tell WH I will help him work on his withdrawal and our recovery, but I will no longer enable his A.
I sent OW an email to her work and personal addresses telling her I knew everything. This starts a series of emails between us.
OW: Never use my work email. It compromises my professionalism.
Me: YOU compromised your professionalism with A with a married client. Unless you mean a different "profession."
OW: I am not a hooker! I am getting a lawyer....
Upon SH 's advice, next day I sent OW an email (YES, to her work...ha,ha) requesting she never contact my husband again. Advise her that I have emails, including nude photos she sent WH, in my possession.
OW: Don't threaten me...
Me: You threaten my marriage...don't contact my husband.
OW goes on an all-night email rampage, deteriorating to calling me and BH names, even threatening my life. These go into the file; I don't reply.
BH desperate to calm and comfort OW. Delays sending NC letter, doesn't want to hurt her. This hurts me terribly! I insist, and he finally sends it. OW emails us both that we are cowards, and to F-off.
Soon I will block OW from emailing me, though I haven't so far because I think her emails will be good evidence if needed. BH has new cell, OW doesn't have the number, and she is blocked from his email addresses, including work.
Next appointment w/ SH not until mid-week next week. I am setting up polygraph.
How do I help WH through his withdrawal when his every instinct is to care for OW's hurt, not mine? I told him that whenever he gets the urge to contact her, he should call, text or email me instead. Any suggestions for allowing - even encouraging - him to vent without it being yet another stab to my heart? Are you going to do a workplace exposure? Since he was a cleint? Has he changed all contact information?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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How do I help WH through his withdrawal when his every instinct is to care for OW's hurt, not mine? I told him that whenever he gets the urge to contact her, he should call, text or email me instead. Any suggestions for allowing - even encouraging - him to vent without it being yet another stab to my heart?
Ask him to do this as a favor to you. He's not in position to refuse you this, and the notion that he can get through this in his own way has been proven to be a bunch of hokum.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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I sent OW an email to her work and personal addresses telling her I knew everything. This starts a series of emails between us.
OW: Never use my work email. It compromises my professionalism.
Me: YOU compromised your professionalism with A with a married client. Unless you mean a different "profession."
OW: I am not a hooker! I am getting a lawyer. Someday that's got to be added to the 'craziest things that waywards say' thread BTW...I hope you're not intimidated by her threatening you and talking about hiring an attorney and all. She's in full blown self protection mode trying to convince you messing with her is more trouble than it's worth. Waywards never sue and truth is an absolute defense. Don't stop or give her any pause or she'll think it's working. I think you should full out expose her at that job. Having an affair with a client is something that her boss should know and the more crazy she acts eventually your WH will see her for what she is. Your husband needs help breaking this addiction...exposure is the medicine. W
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Soon I will block OW from emailing me, though I haven't so far because I think her emails will be good evidence if needed. BH has new cell, OW doesn't have the number, and she is blocked from his email addresses, including work. It takes 2 seconds to unblock her. I would find another way, because your husband WILL unblock her if he hasn't already. I am sorry you had to go through this, but this is what happens when affairees work together. I am always AMAZED that a BS will allow an affair to continue under the illusion that changing the name of the affair to "business contact" means it is not an affair anymore. That is the same as a recovering alcoholic changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and then pretending to be sober. It is all pretend.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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HDW:
Thanks, and you are right, no exceptions to MB principles.
WH has just started new job. New boss, who is also a very good friend, knows the sitch and is onboard to protect marriage.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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BrainHurts:
All contact info has changed, except work email. Company uses a format that is standardized. However, I have access and monitor throughout the day. OW is blocked.
WH employer already knows.
I have no contact info on OW's family, friends or b.f. She is not married nor on facebook. No info on OW from various online search engines, esp. Since she lives in Canada. I have not yet exposed to her former employer. I would have at time of first D-Day, if I knew A was ongoing. Advice from SH for now is not, but I will ask again next week.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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GloveOil: WH is ready to start his own postings. I think your input will be esp. helpful to him. Thank you. I will advise his ID when he starts. SH advised he NOT start posting until NC, as he is likely to get 2X4'd and that would likely shut him down. But now he is ready.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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I have not yet exposed to her former employer. I would have at time of first D-Day, if I knew A was ongoing. Advice from SH for now is not, but I will ask again next week. What were the reasons for not exposing to her workplace?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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SH advised he NOT start posting until NC, as he is likely to get 2X4'd and that would likely shut him down. But now he is ready. Steve said that? lol!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MrWondering:
Nope, not intimidated by her at all. I was originally worried she might suicide, since that would make it even more difficult for BH to get over her, but both SH and BH say not gonna happen. I am actually kinda glad she went ballistic. The emails are in the evidence file if needed.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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MelodyLane:
Thanks, yeah, I am calling "uncle". I bought the story, and the elaborate proof scheme. And my verification was not strong enough... At worst I can be used as an example for future reluctant BS's. Even though you, GloveOil and others outlined the nature of the addiction, I was duped.
SH said exposing to her workplace at this time might only provoke her to try further contact with WH. I will ask SH again in next session, Tues. Now I have even more evidence, esp. of her craziness...
She threatened to expose to WH's employer; I didn't tell they already know.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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BrainHurts: thanks for the NC link.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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BrainHurts: thanks for the NC link. You're welcome. So what can you tell new BS from what you've learned? What lessons?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Thx BrainHurts. i will have a think about this today and put a post together.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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BrainHurts: thanks for the NC link. You're welcome. So what can you tell new BS from what you've learned? What lessons? Brainy, where's that false recovery thread? We need catwhit to post to that!
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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BrainHurts: thanks for the NC link. You're welcome. So what can you tell new BS from what you've learned? What lessons? Brainy, where's that false recovery thread? We need catwhit to post to that! Good idea. I wasn't sure if we should also add to the exposure thread or lack there of? Here it is. False Recovery
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 900
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Yup. I will post on both.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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Update: sure has been a roller coaster these past two weeks. I was travelling with WH, part business, part work. He was on board with this, even made the travel arrangements. He has maintained no contact with the Dolly, and it is amazing to me how quickly he pulled away from her.
I had asked him to prepare a list of anything else about his adultery which I didn't know, and which he did not want me to know. I felt that if he was still harbouring secrets, it would be bad for both him and me. And I just could not take any more surprise discoveries or trickle truths. He presented me with the list, and it was hurtful, but basically just demonstrated that the A was way more involved than he had first let on, including liquidating some joint assets to fund the affair. It also revealed the nature of their last time together, literally hours before he stepped on the plane to move across the continent with me.
I was upset by the info, but mostly with the lying, cheating, stealing and downright manipulation. We spent several hours clearing the air, during which I tried to avoid LB'ing him (not totally successfully). He was really patient with me, answering my questions and telling me he was ready to do whatever I asked.
I asked him if there had been any other A's or inappropriate contact with women prior to the Dolly, and during our 20 years together. (He had initiated another A concurrent with the Dolly.) He thought for a long time, and said no. Of course, not 3 hours later, I discovered 2 more EA's. Neither really blossomed, but as I explained to him, they were essentially no different from how he started out with the Dolly. He said he "completely forgot" about these two. So now we are at 4 OW's.
He was at the office by this time, saw me rooting around in his email, saw the threads I was on, and immediately called me begging me not to leave him. I decided to stick it out until we could have our session with SH, two days later.
The change in WH has been amazing to behold. He now says (at three+ weeks past NC) that he is having no fond thoughts or pinings of the Dolly. Only wants to be with me. Will do anything I ask to make amends. Feels more attached to me each hour. Cannot believe how close he came to losing me.
SH has advised me to proceed with caution, keep my heart and thoughts guarded at this point. WH's session is tomorrow, and he has a huge list for SH of how to make amends to me, to our son, to friends and family. His level of transparency is unprecidented. Still, I am being guarded, (and truthfully do not feel any romantic love for him at this point.) WH understands why I still doubt his sincerity.
I still have not posted on the False Recovery thread, but will get cracking on it. WH opened the forum tonight for the first time, and created his ID and account. Not sure yet if he has actually posted yet.
Will keep posting.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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