I see your WH is posting. How are you doing?

Hello BrainHurts.

Yes, Taffy1 is my WH. I truly appreciate all the responses to his posts. The opportunity to be supported by those who have been in his shoes is invaluable.

There have been lots of changes. I now accompany Taffy on his business trips, and he is working from home most of the time otherwise. We continue counselling with SH. Taffy no longer "gawks" at women, keeps to the 3-second rule. He is being transparent about his whereabouts, actions and plans, and I have access to all his communications.

As for me, I feel a bit "stalled" on the recovery road. In our marriage, I have always been the one to bring up relationship issues. In this case, I realized I had to take my hands off the wheel and let Taffy drive the bus. I have recently returned my focus to my side of the street. I have eliminated AO's, and never bring up the A. My main task is continuing to improve at meeting Taffy's top EN's and I have a specific plan in place for that.

I just feel like I should be farther along in recovery than I am. Perhaps I am just impatient.

Incorrect!


The more there is to overcome, the longer it will take. The more EFFORT it will take on Taffy1's part. (step up to the plate, man!)

With every D-day, when a new betrayal/lie is discovered, your recovery clock gets set back to ZERO.



Did Taffy1 put this notion in your head?
You are not "impatient".
You are freshly wounded from a severe emotional trauma.
Your entire world was turned upside down and shaken to smithereens.

Me: BW, 55
WH, 61 (Taffy1)
Married Aug. /96. 2nd marriage for BW, 3rd for WH
SS: 33
D-Day1: March 19, 2012 (WH's birthday)
D-Day 2: Aug.29/12
EA, 11 months. PA once. workplace,
Limited NC letter sent 3/21/12 (but they still worked together)
A goes underground 5 months
NC letter sent 8/31/12
D-Day 3: Sept19/12; discover multiple EA's starting in 2010




Recovery is a two to five year trip. You have started this trip over several times. The last time is 9/19/2012.

Dear Pepperband and TheRoad

Thanks for your responses. I will take a big deep breath and allow myself to be where I am now, which is deep in the healing process. I wish I could rush it, or hurry it along, but I can't.

Taffy is not impatient for me to "get better", but Steve reminded us that we are not in the same place in the process, valuable information for both Taffy and me.

Thank you, again...

After 3 affairs, what just compensation has your WH given you?

Hi Brainy

Delaying replying as we are travelling...together...a new rule and a great thing.

Taffy's EP's to date:

CATEGORY 1 (Do immediately)
* NC letter sent, no contact plan in place.
* Moved to another country, across the continent.
* Not working at same company as any OW.
* Returned company auto, where OW had ridden.
* Returned company cell phone; new cell phone and number which OW doesn't have.
* Closed secret email account. Deleted all contact info and blocked all OW from corporate email account.
* Closed secret bank account. I always had access to all our personal finances other than this secret account.
* Provided all access codes and passwords to me, for all communications.
* Plan to spend all leisure time together.

CATEGORY 2 (ongoing EP's)
* Bring me along on overnight business trips.
* Counselling with Steve Harley
* At least 20 hours of UA time weekly.
* Weekly meeting to schedule UA time, plus review success of previous week's schedule.
* Provide me with his daily schedule, and always be contact-able.
* Cell phone accessible to me whenever at home, no questions asked.
* "No Contact Plan" in place, and review with me twice weekly.
* "Vulnerabilities Protection Plan" in place and reviewed with me twice weekly.
* No gawking at any women.
* No one-on-one meetings with women.
* No discussion of personal issues with women without me present.
* Commitment to following MB principles.

There may be some things I wish to add in the future, and Taffy realizes this and is open to it.

We are good at getting the time for UA in, but have to ensure we don't let it just be "sharing space", but actually interacting.

I am tired of my ugly thoughts, the sickening feelings of hurt and resentment, and especially the black hole in the middle of all that where I just feel nothing. I know it is early days yet, (nearly 3 months post- D-Day 3), but I do not like the black swamp.

I'm so glad You are traveling together. Do you still have snooping techniques in place? I know he is posting now so you don't have to spill it, but I just I want to make sure you're covered.

Get lots of US time on your trip, friend.

Thanks, BrainHurts.

And thanks to you, MelodyLane, for your insightful post on Taffy's thread.

Taffy told me he is having challenges with triggering. This time last year he was newly in the throes of the A, very confused as to which way to jump. Says he is triggered to wonder what his life would be like right now if he had "chosen" the Dolly. I think he doesn't realize just HOW bad it would be for him, with no wife, no family or friends whatsoever, and a Dolly who would completely disappear whenever things got a little uncomfortable for her.

But then, I truly wish Taffy was as disgusted with the Dolly as other WS's are with their AP's after de-fogging. I believe that, given his 'druthers, he would still want to protect her from the consequences of her actions, and I hate that.

Have you checked for contact?

How much UA time are you getting?

= Taffy has too much idle time and is not being very self-disciplined in the use he makes of it.

I would first recommend that he look into memory-reassociation as a means of dealing with triggers. Specifically, he may find it very helpful to read a thread posted by a former poster here (http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2243454#Post2243454), which includes a link to some interesting concepts on memory-management that I found very helpful: http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/Emotional%20Memory.html

He is still spending too much time thinking of his OW, and thinking of her in the way she was when they were enjoying one another's company. Yet, meanwhile, he is failing to do a good-enough job thinking of her as she was in your life: Simply put, she was a thug. She cared not a whit (no pun intended) for your well-being. She was willing to walk right over you to get what she wanted. Figuratively-speaking, she was a cold-blooded thug who lurked in a dark alley, cold-cocked you from behind, knocked you onto the dirty pavement, kicked you in the ribs & face, stole your purse and left you lying there, sobbing, in a puddle of mud, blood, broken teeth and tears.

That's his "Dolly" for ya: Cold-blooded thug. That was his willing accomplice, his 50-50 joint venture partner. What does he think of that? That's the recollection, the mental reassociation, which he needs to conduct for himself, every single time something causes him to think of her. It's actually not a Jedi mind trick (or otherwise I wouldn't have been able to do it in my own case, LOL); it's simply an act of being mentally self-disciplined enough to confront the total reality of the AP, rather than just focuing on the tiny slice of the reality that his brain gets stuck on when he has these triggers.

At the same time, dealing with triggers is only part of the job. The other part of the job, the most important part of it, is how he conducts himself toward you, how he works to meet your needs and avoid love-busters. That's where the preponderance of his idle time should be directed. So, the idea, in batting down 'triggers' when they arise, is not to spend time wrestling with them, but to bat them down immediately and then promptly turn one's attention to the betrayed spouse & to focus on something that the aspiring FWS can do to meet needs of the BS. It can be planning a date or a trip, it can be taking care of a chore, it can be sending an e-card, it can be any number of positive acts. He needs to practice keeping his attention where it ought to be. With practice, it's possible for him to become very good at this.

Well, be a teeny bit careful, Catwhit... you may be 100% correct, and if so, if he still believes that, then to that, I'd say, "Horsecrap - she was an adult who made her own choices & can deal with the consequences of those choices herself." I'm right with you on that. Just be sure you're not assuming & attributing thoughts to him. Assuming is the worst form of spousal "communication" there can be, and it can easily slip into being a form of disrespectful judgment, if one's assumption is incorrect in a pejorative direction. (I wouldn't be surprised if your assumption is correct in this case, but being an assumer is a lot like being a batter in baseball -- even the best ones are going to miss the ball an alarmingly high percentage of the time.)

Wow, some of this sounds like my husband about three years ago. I am so sorry that things are so difficult right now.

I agree with Gloveoil. You H has too much time on his hands. Get busier with UA time together if possible. The more time together the better, especially if you can get away from home for a few days.

Also, check for contact. If it hasn't happened already, it sounds as though it could. If you don't have monitoring (phone, computer, gps on car), I suggest you get it asap. My H was clever enough to use the phone and computer at his mother's house to avoid me finding out. The biggest clue for me was H's behavior.

Lastly, is your H on anti-depressants? My H was so depressed during withdrawal that one of my requirements for staying in the marriage was that H talk to his doctor about ADs. They were quite helpful to him.

AM

Brainy... Thank you...

UA time this week is 25+, and we are traveling together. However, we do have a tendency to not specifically schedule the time, as we are together so much. I just had a discussion with Taffy about this, and we negotiated to get back to actually make a schedule weekly, starting this morning. It works best for me if I KNOW what the plan is, KNOW that Taffy has it in his mind.

We have been reviewing Taffy's NC plan couple of times a week. This is good, but I still need to be checking for NC, which I have slackened off slightly. I will get back at it.

GloveOil.
Great insights, thank you! and for the memory management links.. Read your message to Taffy and he asked me to forward him the links, and I am going to read them to him on our next 6 hour drive, New Years Day.

You are correct, I was assuming. So I immediately asked Taffy about this, and he said that he wasn't actually protecting her, just felt there was no reason to stir up anything at her work. I said that maybe since she had hit upon a married client, maybe her company should know about her as a future liability... It was a new idea for him. As for me, I will watch for my tendency to assume from now on.

ArmyMama
Thanks for your insights. We are traveling together on all Taffy's overnight trips now, and when we are at home, he is working at home, so we have lots of UA opportunity. However, we have to be better at actually scheduling time; just because there is access doesn't mean UA time. We have re-committed to scheduling.

I will check more deeply for contact.

Taffy is not on AD's. He is really against them, and balked when I was going to ask my doc for a prescription. But I got 'me anyway and continue on a low dosage. He doesn't seem depressed, says he is very happy with me and our life now.

He is learning just how much care I need now, and I have told him there's no such thing as "too much" right now. Since he was always an independent sort, it is a big turn around for him. It is also new to him to be thinking about caring for me. Providing care was my role in our pre-A marriage.

Thank you, all, for your posts. It is truly wonderful to have a place like this, where people really understand what we are going through, and can offer us the guidance we need.

Damn...
The Dolly just called Taffy on his cell phone. He was SURE she didn't have the number...
We were together in a restaurant. The Dolly called from her office (the generic number). Taffy answered, "Hello"
Dolly: (pause)... Happy New Year to you and (catwhit).
Taffy:.. (Pause)... Thanks.... (Hangs up)

DOH!!! Hopefully not back to square one.
Hate this snakes and ladders game.

Was this a new number for him?

Is she M?

Yes, new cell number, and no, she is not married.

I will be asking Taffy for his updated NC plan.

So far, his response has been, "I am okay. I am angry, but okay. I don't want to talk about it, as I have already used my Memory Management technique for this trigger. I am on to the positive place now, thinking about all the fun I am having with YOU now."

At the very least, block her work number.

I would contact her boss and HR and let them know she is calling from her work number.

How do you think she got his new number?