I know my church (Baptist) doesn't hold this stance (get out of marriage card free)...once you have reconciled and the other person is on board, the A is history.

Hate to continue the t/j, but Id like to leave it at this: there is no dangling the get out of jail card nor is there any threats made.

Simply, as much as I believe she is now true to me, I also believe in my options down the road.

The A is history, one that lives forever in my head. I have forgiven and she and I are on the same page. No more no less.

Interesting discussion.

I've never really thought about the 'card' not being able to be used at some point. (Maybe) Naively i just assumed that he would always have that to fall back on. But i think that speaks volumes about the way i've learned to live - in fear.

Am really struggling with making the decision of weather to stay at his parents with him or not. His mum wants me there and is more than happy for me to stay but also wants to do whats best for our marriage and i'm taking her slight hesitation seriously because i trust her wisdom.

Argggh why is everything so stressful!

I hear you Mike, it might be DJ but it sounds like you are keeping score.

I would guess your W might possibly think the same thing.

Yes, I agree. In a recent radio program, Dr. Harley was very clear that a BS can not assert a superior moral position over a WS and have any hope of achieving R. As to exactly when a BS looses the "get out of M free" card, I don't know. I seem to have misplaced mine, and I stopped looking for it a while back.

Well, it seems to me you have answered all the above questions with the parts I have bolded. With a proper marital recovery, the value of the extra cards lose their value over time. Then, when they have no value whatsoever, you can consider yourself fully recovered.

Time and effort...

oh, and love!

Of course, the flip-side to having a defined expiration
date to such an option would be the warped incentive
provided to a still-uncertain BS to "use it or lose it",
like the new-car "lemon law".

Probably not moving the discussion forward much, but.....

Hi all

Just a quick check in.

Couple of 'anniversarys' this week. Our DD is officially 3.5 years old! And the not so exciting 1 year D-Day (#1) anniversary.

We are now living under the same roof for 9 days a fortnight. Seems to be going fine so far although H has been on night shifts last few days. He's got days off now so looking forward to spending some more time together.

Thanks!

Update continued...

Although to be honest i'm not entirely sure how 'good' our current situation is for our recovery. We are living under the same roof but in seperate rooms and with his parents and their boarder. So no space to ourselves. I can see that because of this our SF/UA time is going to be greatly reduced.

Unfortunatley, until one of our job situation's change there is no other option :-(

Even our communication is limited further being under the same roof. Last night i was txtg him - we were both in the house! I get the feeling he is wary of showing me any affection around family members. So cuddling/massages on the couch after dinner is now non-existent.

I txted him last night and said we should spend a night away in a hotel! He said yes so we just need to plan/save now.

Why are you in separate rooms?

Put on some lingerie, sneak into his room (you are his wife) and give him GREAT sex.
Do it every night.

I have a feeling if he wanted this they wouldn't be in seperate rooms.

Seperate rooms at H's wish. He wants his own space still (see comment futher up thread).

I'm 100% sure he wouldn't say no if i did the above... tonight would present the first opportunity though since he's off work for a few nights.

There is a joke as old as time itself. That men have two heads.
Let his smaller one do the thinking.

I would place my bet that you are correct, that he would NOT turn you down.

So do it. Take drastic action.
But remember this is appealing to his needs. Most men love lingerie. Spoil him and make him desire you.

The expiration date is defined; if your marriage is not better than before the infidelity occured within 2 years of the establishment of NC with the AP and recovery beginning, you are better off to divorce.



BV,


Chin up. Look your best every day.

Rather than throwing yourself at him, entice him subtley with your feminine wiles. Small touches, lightly flirty comments, quick suggestive texts. Look good. Smell good. Be confident and not morose.


CONFIDENT women are sexy, weepy puddles are not.


OK?

What joke.

Fact.

Yeah, yeah... poor men.

We whom God cursed with two heads, and only enough blood to use one of them...

Scarey concept (expiration date)... considering i'm still not seeing any willingness on his part to make it better.

I am trying - very hard. It's harder living together as i have to be conscious of every little thing. Good in alot of ways, but exhausting too! And when i get no reciprical effort it makes it even harder.

I guess it's going to be very difficult to concentrate on recovery properly until we are living together full time in our own space though.

That's why I suggested you try to meet his sexual needs.

Been awhile since I updated.

Things all going very well and we are about to have a two week period with the house to ourselves while H's parents go overseas. We are both looking forward to it. Planning on getting my parents to babysit as well so we can really get some quality UA time.

I have a question thats been nagging at me the last couple of weeks... been reluctant to post it because I'm thinking there will be some of you that might jump to conclusions....

Anways - here we go!

How long does it take to get rid of memories of the affair/OP? I certainly don't count the times i have thoughts of the OP but they are possibly once a day. Let me make it clear though. When i'm reminded of him somehow, or a thought/memory pops into my head i am very disgusted. My hate for him has grown so much over the last few months (seems to grow every time i have a thought about him) that i'm afraid of what i'd do if i ever saw him!

Am I going to have to live with these random thoughts about another person that disgusts me for the rest of my life? I'm not a hateful person by nature. I don't want to NOT hate him. I just don't want to every think of him again!

Any other WW/WH out there want to tell me their experience?