So I finally put my foot down. I said if you want to save the marriage then you need to stop the affair (NC letter), if not I am filing a divorce.

she said fine and then walk out. Came back later (when I canceled the phone) and said why am I doing this. I proceed to tell WW, since she walked out, i am no longer playing nice anymore. Getting tired of being stepped on. I ignored some of Plan A rules (didn't remain calm). Essentially i said you want to save it. End the A Air i will go to court for full custody.

Right now she agreed to end it. However she is resisting the NC letter, she wants to talk to him. I said, no.

She keeps insisting to call him to end it. I told her let me sleep on it.

My concern now is if forcing kid situation, will that ultimately backfire on me?

She is in an active affair.
At this point evening she wrote the NC letter I think she would open up secret communications.
It's a good thing you stood up for yourself. But there is nothing to sleep on.

I wouldn't bring it up again. Maybe ask her tomorrow morning if she has written the NC letter (use the one from SAA).
I wouldn't threaten divorce again or talk about it again.
If she doesn't write the letter and agree to recovery then you can file.

And stick with the SAA program.
You really need to stay out of marriage counseling until the affair is dead

Well we established a NC agreement however her patents are pissed I am demanding her to do stuff.

Funny thing is....after all this I am not even sure if having the inlaws live with me and trying to fix this is worth it. I think my WW may have opened my eyes how I have been unhappy.

Talk about missed up.

You are at war with the Devil. He wants to destroy your family.
If your in laws don't support you fighting for your family they are part of the enemy.
I really liked President George Bush when he said "If you are not with us you are against us"

Same applies to your marriage

Send them packing before their toxicity leeches into your house and you start living in a toxic dump.

I said if you want to save the marriage then you need to stop the affair (NC letter), if not I am filing a divorce.

Right now she agreed to end it. However she is resisting the NC letter, she wants to talk to him. I said, no. She keeps insisting to call him to end it. I told her let me sleep on it.

Let me paraphrase:

LS76, sternly: "You either write that NCL or I will file.
Skank, defiantly: "No, I want to talk to him instead!"
LS76, meekly: "Oh, okay."

That last line should have read: "Sorry you feel that way. What happens now is all on you."

"Doot, doot, doot, doot,
another one bites the dust...."

Lostsoul, my wife also resisted the no contact letter.
She wanted to write it herself. She actually wrote a type of love letter to him.
The affair was still active.
I proceeded with divorce and she moved in with him.
You do not want to deal with a false recovery.

There are posters that have been in false recoveries for years. They must provide a steady cash flow to their local pharmacies because they live a life of fear and anxiety. Don't become one of them.

Keep the bar high

Please read this and read all the way until the end, because there's another very informative thread attached.
False Recovery

Also we'll help make it easier for her. Have her follow the templates from here.
No Contact letter samples

So She finally agreed to a No Contact letter, however....her parents where with her and i said i want access to her passwords/email etc to insure she isn't continuing the affair...Well the parents say "You need to trust her". The parents been married for over 40 years and they believe old tradition works.......

At this point, i had no choice but to agree because if we go to courts for custody of the kids, they will interview the in-laws who live with us and they probably will just make up lies to help her daughter..

As for false recovery, if i feel it ain't working or i find out she is contacting him. Its over. I am already at that stage because i think the source of my own un-happeniness is my living arrangements with her and the in-laws and it remained suppressed until yesterday's talk with her and the in-laws. I realized, how can i make 3 people happy...

Right now, she aggreeing to a NC letter, is a step but after what she did, i know i can't trust her or her feelings for the OM for a long time.

This is the problem....if i send them packing, there is no doubt at the state of my WW is in, she would leave because she would justify this for leaving vs the A.

Screwed...

I was going to write a scathing post about how you need to man up and that you don't want a false recovery, until I looked up and read this, and realized it said everything I wanted to and in a much less angry way.

Your inlaws also have no business butting in to your marriage.

You are better off having your wife move out if she won't do what she must. Why would you want that flaunted under your nose all the time, anyway? Why would you want an unrepentant WW who won't do what she must to regain trust that she threw out the window??

My inlaws live with us....for the last 6-7 years of our marriage (since our 1st child). If i kicked them out, my WW will have another excuse to leave.

At this point she agreed to a NC. I don't have access to her email but i have access to phone logs. The guy lives thousands of miles away, so i don't have to worry about daily visits. Her job does not require business travel. Of course she could always use a different phone but if i find it, then i know she contacted him.

Now i have to see how our recovery goes but even then, i am not sure I can be in the same situation again (living with the in-laws).

I am almost positive that is our root cause of our downfall (butterfly effect), I like her in-laws but i can see them critizing me, cause less private time, cause more stress on my WW (when we have 3kids and both work).........

So is there a guide how to recovery with (in-laws and WW)..haha

You cant. There is a reason why from the beginning of mankind God commanded men and women to leave their parents and cleave to each other as husband and wife.
I can sympathize with your situation. My mother in law lived with us for a third of our 10 year marriage.
I read an article about pets and marriage. Sometimes people will get a pet as a type of buffer in the marital home. In laws are the same way.

These people are toxic to your marriage while they live with you.
You have a right to a personal boundary and it is okay to say that they need to leave in 30 days. It may drive your wife out. But you Stand a better chance of full recovery even if she moves out versus trying to kill an affair and recover while they are there.

Oh and you are not in recovery sir.
This is an active affair.

I have to agree with you...but like i said at this point..I am not even sure if i can go into recovery with since this problem is now grown to include in-laws.

I know this will be an active affair (at least in her fantasy mind) because she hasn't expressed remorse for her actions.

Either way, like i said. This will work out together or I will be happier by myself with the 3 kids.

Please take and DO the advice you are given here. There is no way to only apply the things you feel comfortable with.
Be a man, act like a man, not a mouse being afraid.
All that post here have experienced the fear and rationalization that you are going through.
Heed the advice, the people here are trying to help.
You keep making excuses.
Sorry for the 2X4.

These in laws may have been married for 40 years but they are stupid. What loving parent moves in and lives with their married daughter that long? Next thing the fil will be talkin to you about sex with his daughter.
They need to go.
I suspect they are enabling her in more ways than you know.
My fil bought my ww a phone so she could have her own affair phone

You sir, have swallowed the whole "somehow/someone/something" ideology that has the country plunging toward second-class status.

"Someone" will fix the economy. "Something" will turn back global warming. And you think that "somehow" your marriage will get repaired as you ignore the necessities that provide any hope to such repair.

YOU must be the "someone", dude. The only thing that has any promise of getting WW off her infidelity merry-go-round is your pulling the "STOP" lever. MIL and FIL love their little girl, and stupidly "trust" her to behave in the future, so cannot imagine her going heels up while OM bones her silly. Paint that graphic little picture for them over dinner some evening, explain that THAT is what you are fighting, and tell them to STFU or get out of your house.

Or, don't. Hell, it ain't my marriage that's in the balance here. If you can't summon the strength and "honey-badger" mentality to impose YOUR standards on this dysfunctional trio, why should I care?