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DR Harley doesn't recommend just ONE need being met during UA, like conversation: During the time you are together, create activities that will meet the emotional needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation and recreational companionship . But I would hold off even on discussion of SF, for quite a few dates. After that you can talk about her willingness to work towards SF. You must both be strict that she needs to feel enthusiastic and must not be hurried. Her expressing a willingness, and helping you solve this issue even without actual SF will meet that SF need for you. We can coach you here on your progress. After much neglect and lovebusting, you MUST be patient. When I apply the fifteen-hour principle to marriages, I usually recommend that the time be evenly distributed throughout the week, two to three hours each day. This is key. Or she will just disconnect from you during the other parts of the week and feel ignored on those days.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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So, I had to re-think, thanks to this site. I asked her if we could take 2 nights out of our week to sit together and chat with no iPads, TV, etc. She was in agreement with that. Then I asked her the big question: ...if doing that would lead to more sex...she responded by saying definitely! You understand that you have just told her that you are willing to turn off the electronics and talk to her in exchange for sex and not because you love her and want to spend time with her? Please, really be careful about this - you have BOTH fallen into a common trap of new parents. Man wants sex, but doesn't seem to want to date/court wife to get it. Wife is tired and exhausted, doesn't want sex, but will do it in order to make him happy. Neither is really doing it out of romantic love but rather obligation. Wouldn't it make much more sense for both to just be so in love that they can't resist? One of the best moments for Mr. Alis & I were waiting for the afternoon nap so we could get right to it! Instead of an exhausted obligation at the tired end of the night. That's not love, that's "the motions". I will say, as a busy mom, it would greatly hurt me if I felt my husband only wanted to talk/spend time with me in order to have sex with me, rather then just because he wants to spend time with me. We MUST BE IN LOVE to have sex, as women. MUST. Not negotiable except for prostitutes or women with self-esteem issues. Your issue is certainly one that can be resolved - but it can be resolved by meeting BOTH your needs in an enthusiastic manner, rather than fulfilling another "obligation".
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So, I guess lay off the talk of sex and just give her as much undivided attention as I can?
I'm sorry, men just get so frustrated over the lack of sex that we think it will never happen...
Think of just building it properly and the rest will fall into place? Am I thinking this right?
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Right!! How much UA have you got scheduled for week ahead? What ideas for dates? We're always available to give tips 
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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So, I guess lay off the talk of sex and just give her as much undivided attention as I can?
I'm sorry, men just get so frustrated over the lack of sex that we think it will never happen...
Think of just building it properly and the rest will fall into place? Am I thinking this right? Did you read the article I posted about "how to get the sex you want in marriage?" Harley suggests that it should be an EVENT. And sitting on the couch having 30 minutes of conversation when you are exhausted is not what he means. Fifteen hours per week of UA time to MAINTAIN and 20-25 to create.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Think of just building it properly and the rest will fall into place? Am I thinking this right? That is exactly right. But this is not something you can pencil whip and resolve in a day or week. The fact that she doesn't want to have sex is the canary in the coal mine; an indicator of deeper problems. Your marriage is structured in a way that the love can't possibly be sustained. The first sign of an erosion of love is a lack of desire to have sex. That happens when couples don't spend at least 15 hours per week ALONE meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If your wife is the one to get up to attend to the baby during the night or very early morning, you may want to help in that area so she can get more sleep.
Does she take any vitamins? Has she lost the baby weight? Is happy with her appearance? You may want to consider things like diet, exercise, or vitamins that may also make a difference in her energy level.
Good luck to you!
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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That happens when couples don't spend at least 15 hours per week ALONE meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs.
What exactly are her top 4 intimate emotional needs?
Last edited by sprucy; 10/01/12 07:24 PM.
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That happens when couples don't spend at least 15 hours per week ALONE meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs.
What exactly are her top 4 intimate emotional needs? The top 4 intimate emotional needs are affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. Those are the 4 that create romantic love and are the 4 that should be focused on during UA time.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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