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Oh and you are not in recovery sir.
This is an active affair. I have to agree with you...but like i said at this point..I am not even sure if i can go into recovery with since this problem is now grown to include in-laws. I know this will be an active affair (at least in her fantasy mind) because she hasn't expressed remorse for her actions. Either way, like i said. This will work out together or I will be happier by myself with the 3 kids. These in laws may have been married for 40 years but they are stupid. What loving parent moves in and lives with their married daughter that long? Next thing the fil will be talkin to you about sex with his daughter. They need to go. I suspect they are enabling her in more ways than you know. My fil bought my ww a phone so she could have her own affair phone I also talked about boundries to recovery. Spending 15hrs a week....inlaws says no way you can spend 15 hrs a week...I was like WTF man... I know they are enabling her, the only part where they are with me is on the NC agreement. Everything else, they believe is no value (like boundries). They are toxic..
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You sir, have swallowed the whole "somehow/someone/something" ideology that has the country plunging toward second-class status.
"Someone" will fix the economy. "Something" will turn back global warming. And you think that "somehow" your marriage will get repaired as you ignore the necessities that provide any hope to such repair.
YOU must be the "someone", dude. The only thing that has any promise of getting WW off her infidelity merry-go-round is your pulling the "STOP" lever. MIL and FIL love their little girl, and stupidly "trust" her to behave in the future, so cannot imagine her going heels up while OM bones her silly. Paint that graphic little picture for them over dinner some evening, explain that THAT is what you are fighting, and tell them to STFU or get out of your house.
Or, don't. Hell, it ain't my marriage that's in the balance here. If you can't summon the strength and "honey-badger" mentality to impose YOUR standards on this dysfunctional trio, why should I care? As i said, I have been following the plan. Except when the inlaws decided to jump in, listen and provide their feedback. What I am saying is, every time i take the right step, another stupid roadblock comes up. I already exposed it to everybody I already have her agree to the NC or i will file. then her parents step in to enable her...So my next step is to tell them to STFU and leave.
Last edited by LostSoul76; 10/01/12 09:51 AM.
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And she has not agreed to NC.
She refuses to write the NC letter.
We judge actions, not words.
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As i said, I have been following the plan. Except when the inlaws decided to jump in, listen and provide their feedback.
...and, oh yes, when you agreed to affair-enabling marriage counselling. And mentioning "sleeping on" her refusal to write the NCL!
Face it, dude, you have followed the plan when WW deems to proper to do so! When you finally understand that she/they get ZERO input on the HOW, WHAT and WHEN, you will then have a chance of MAYBE following the plan.
...another stupid roadblock comes up.
Let's make this also clear: A "roadblock" would be your mandatory service deployment mid-recovery. A "roadblock" is not your WW resisting your demand for passwords, distracting you with her ideas of recovery paths, and her parents taking her side.
I refer you to the "Prayer of St Guido", which I shared on another thread:
Dear Lord, when a door closes before me,
give me the strength to kick that sumbitch open,
and the courage to admonish and discipline
the villain who slammed it in my face. Amen
But not to worry: "Someone" will remove your roadblock, right?
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Saint James asks in his Epistle, What is faith without works? It is dead.
The same for your adulterous wife saying she will end contact yet refuses to write a NC letter or agree to transparency such as email passwords. Her words without actions are worthless.
Your inlaws probably have had affairs in their own independent lives and they just ignore it and expect you to do the same.
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My mil lived with us.
I politely told my wife that her mother would need to move within 30 days.
My wife progressed her affair from EA to PA that month.
If you stand your ground your wife may run off to OM.
But what choice do you have?
You make radical changes or accept a life of betrayals and inlaws living with you until death do you part. Which is a terrible example for kids
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then her parents step in to enable her...So my next step is to tell them to STFU and leave. And you should tell them to leave...maybe use something other than STFU though  Get rid of the inlaws - If WW moves out with them, fine...that is her choice. If she doesn't not stop the A you may find yourself being the one to move out. If your WW ever files for D, she can ask for exclusive use of the house, her enabling parents can stay there as she would likely also argue it's easier for you to move then her and them...and keep the kids too so you are the odd man out. You can even present WW/inlaws with rental info of a few places to live. Look into a few places in a decent area and suggest they take a look. No matter how you do this, you are going to be the bad guy but your inlaws need to go. Try to be "nice" but if the inlaws stay, your marriage is going to suffer and limp along.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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And she has not agreed to NC.
She refuses to write the NC letter.
We judge actions, not words. Even better. She is going call and I am going to be on the phone. Then we are going to send a letter to re-enforce the phone call. I want to be on the phone to hear his voice when she says she is going to work on the marriage. Ya i want to hear this guy's voice when he hears her saying it and then i am going to interrupt and say "f-off" and hang up.
Last edited by LostSoul76; 10/01/12 12:32 PM.
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As i said, I have been following the plan. Except when the inlaws decided to jump in, listen and provide their feedback.
...and, oh yes, when you agreed to affair-enabling marriage counselling. And mentioning "sleeping on" her refusal to write the NCL!
Face it, dude, you have followed the plan when WW deems to proper to do so! When you finally understand that she/they get ZERO input on the HOW, WHAT and WHEN, you will then have a chance of MAYBE following the plan.
...another stupid roadblock comes up.
Let's make this also clear: A "roadblock" would be your mandatory service deployment mid-recovery. A "roadblock" is not your WW resisting your demand for passwords, distracting you with her ideas of recovery paths, and her parents taking her side.
I refer you to the "Prayer of St Guido", which I shared on another thread:
Dear Lord, when a door closes before me,
give me the strength to kick that sumbitch open,
and the courage to admonish and discipline
the villain who slammed it in my face. Amen
But not to worry: "Someone" will remove your roadblock, right? I am going to disagree, the MC does not enable the affair, he is totally against it. The guy preaches alot of core values from this site. He even downplayed the term "Soul Mate", saying there is no Soul Mate and only people who are in the "Fog" says this. I wouldn't be with this MC, if he wasn't saying the right things. Hence why i dropped our 1st therapist.
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then her parents step in to enable her...So my next step is to tell them to STFU and leave. And you should tell them to leave...maybe use something other than STFU though Get rid of the inlaws - If WW moves out with them, fine...that is her choice. If she doesn't not stop the A you may find yourself being the one to move out. If your WW ever files for D, she can ask for exclusive use of the house, her enabling parents can stay there as she would likely also argue it's easier for you to move then her and them...and keep the kids too so you are the odd man out. You can even present WW/inlaws with rental info of a few places to live. Look into a few places in a decent area and suggest they take a look. No matter how you do this, you are going to be the bad guy but your inlaws need to go. Try to be "nice" but if the inlaws stay, your marriage is going to suffer and limp along. This is what I am terrified, I am afraid the in-laws and her, will take custody of my kids. I may have to talk to a lawyer to figure out my options.
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And she has not agreed to NC.
She refuses to write the NC letter.
We judge actions, not words. Even better. She is going call and I am going to be on the phone. Then we are going to send a letter to re-enforce the phone call. I want to be on the phone to hear his voice when she says she is going to work on the marriage. Ya i want to hear this guy's voice when he hears her saying it and then i am going to interrupt and say "f-off" and hang up. That is not better. His voice will be an emotional trigger. She needs to write the letter and you need to mail it certified mail.
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As i said, I have been following the plan. Except when the inlaws decided to jump in, listen and provide their feedback.
...and, oh yes, when you agreed to affair-enabling marriage counselling. And mentioning "sleeping on" her refusal to write the NCL!
Face it, dude, you have followed the plan when WW deems to proper to do so! When you finally understand that she/they get ZERO input on the HOW, WHAT and WHEN, you will then have a chance of MAYBE following the plan.
...another stupid roadblock comes up.
Let's make this also clear: A "roadblock" would be your mandatory service deployment mid-recovery. A "roadblock" is not your WW resisting your demand for passwords, distracting you with her ideas of recovery paths, and her parents taking her side.
I refer you to the "Prayer of St Guido", which I shared on another thread:
Dear Lord, when a door closes before me,
give me the strength to kick that sumbitch open,
and the courage to admonish and discipline
the villain who slammed it in my face. Amen
But not to worry: "Someone" will remove your roadblock, right? I am going to disagree, the MC does not enable the affair, he is totally against it. The guy preaches alot of core values from this site. He even downplayed the term "Soul Mate", saying there is no Soul Mate and only people who are in the "Fog" says this. I wouldn't be with this MC, if he wasn't saying the right things. Hence why i dropped our 1st therapist. I will say this again. First you kill the affair. Then you work on recovery. You are just wasting your money. You may as well us your inlaws as the counselor ; they seem to have more control over you. You just like the counselor because he says that adultery is wrong
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then her parents step in to enable her...So my next step is to tell them to STFU and leave. And you should tell them to leave...maybe use something other than STFU though Get rid of the inlaws - If WW moves out with them, fine...that is her choice. If she doesn't not stop the A you may find yourself being the one to move out. If your WW ever files for D, she can ask for exclusive use of the house, her enabling parents can stay there as she would likely also argue it's easier for you to move then her and them...and keep the kids too so you are the odd man out. You can even present WW/inlaws with rental info of a few places to live. Look into a few places in a decent area and suggest they take a look. No matter how you do this, you are going to be the bad guy but your inlaws need to go. Try to be "nice" but if the inlaws stay, your marriage is going to suffer and limp along. This is what I am terrified, I am afraid the in-laws and her, will take custody of my kids. I may have to talk to a lawyer to figure out my options. You're going to lose custody anyway if they stay. Tell your wife you want to be a better husband and her parents will need to move out within 30 days so you can devote more time to your family. Do it today.
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...the MC does not enable the affair, he is totally against it.
Saying one is against infidelity is like saying one is against injustice - the point is not the intellectual moral opposition, but the efforts willingly spent to defeat it!
But....you're there, and we're not. So let's submit this gentleman's commitment to an arbitrary pass/fail exam, okay? The next time you're with him, ask him whether in-laws, tacitly enabling their daughter's illicit activities, should be ordered to remain out of it, or upon refusing, evicted from the domicile.
If his answer starts with, "Well, that would depend...." dump his sorry well-credentialed butt.
(And who said NG was not fair?)
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Lost .. you have come a long ways. DONT let your backbone fall off now. Stand firm and get your inlaws OUT of your home. You are an adult now and they should have NO control over you. Be respectful .. but firm. Tell them 30 days ... if they complain about that .. tell them they can leave now if they would prefer. HOw can you get ANY UA time with "parents" living in the home with you?. When you courted your wife .. did your parents hang out with you while you tried to get in some "alone" time? .. I bet often you stay up with them after kids are in bed because you feel obligated to entertain them... or they make you feel as such and use guilt on you.
They will get over it ... I promise. Leave the parents behind .. and CLEAVE to your wife sir ... listen to my wedding song .. i posted it in the poems section in HHH's audio therapy thread. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS but you .. your wife .. and your kids. The inlaws are toxic.
MNG
MNG
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Also .. if you want to get her passwords .. put a keylogger on your PC.. if she will not give them to you .. just take them.
I have an older version of the leylogger desktopshark that doesnt REQ activation after 3 days if you turn off the updates on it when you install it. Or just pay the 10bux and buy a single computer licence for it. OR use the 3 day trial on the newest version.
MNG
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Now i have to see how our recovery goes but even then, i am not sure I can be in the same situation again (living with the in-laws). You are allowing your in-laws, who are long-term guests in YOUR home, dictate the terms of your marriage. Explain to them politely that you do not wish for them to insert themselves into your marriage, and promise them you will not insert yourself into THEIRS. If they can't respect the man who is head of the house where they live, they need to leave. If your WW leaves, she will have confirmed who has priority in her life. Now i have to see how our recovery goes but even then, i am not sure I can be in the same situation again (living with the in-laws). The chance is good that your in-laws have contributed to the state of your marriage. I would make it a requirement that they find their own home. No more living with mommy and daddy.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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