When can you go into a dark Plan B?

What's in place? What needs to be in place?

OK biggest problem: I don't have any relatives here, son when he returns my DD home in the evening I am here (at noon it's the nanny). We don't talk but

So do you have an IM?

When can you go dark?

Yes I have kind of an IM. For communication about DD I have thought of Google Calendar . For delivering the kid I could use a neighbor but don't think it's a very good idea. They are not close friends of mine.

OK, Im baffled.

If you have a nanny, why not have her do the handover and you go out?

Where does Google Calender come into it? It would still be you sending the messages via calender wouldn't it? If so, thats direct contact.

You want the schedule to run like clockwork in Plan B with very little need for messages and contact etc. He shows up like clockwork same time every week or he misses out. if he shows up unexpectedly while youre in, you dont answer or call the police.

The IM should only be for getting that routine started and for emergency messages or other unavoidable changes. A calender suggests you expect the routine to shift around. Keep it locked in to same EXACT times and days.

What is a 'kind of' IM? She needs to know how to do the job properly and needs to read the training thread. She must not pass you any unnecessary info, such as 'he misses you' or 'he hates you' etc. Does she understand the role and will she do it?

The nanny is my IM but she works until 6.30 not 8.30. So, she can pass but not receive DD. I am going to ask him to stay outside of the fence when he comes and to park his car further. He is still using his key! I didn't change locks, because of the odd time that I would not be there for a couple of minutes. I am sometimes called in emergencies in my job. I guess I should be using the IM but what if there is a chance I AM going to be late? DD has to sleep somewhere. Of course there is very little such possibility because I am adjusting my schedule.

I read about Google Calendar in the parallel parenting post. But, I understand it's a direct communication, so it's out.

I said "kind of" because she is not educated yet. I mean I told her to just forward the messages. He always keeps it simple and about DD. He never starts conversation by himself anyway. I dont think he cares anyway. Is she supposed to forward the text MSG or just give me the details verbally?

And we never communicate via email, which is a problem when you have a lot to say.
For example, my D papers are coming anyday now and I was going to ask him if he is willing to accept a paragraph about not having OW in front of DD. Do you think it's the lawyers Job? My lawyer didn't want to do it, but I could insist. OR I could accept his word (...)

Some finances like taxes have to be discussed. How am I doing it? SMS? Email?

Just an hour ago he told my DD that he is taking her on his business trip on his weekend. But trip starts on Friday not Saturday when his time starts. I am not letting her go. Do I say that it is because of the Friday issue or because she was recently ill? I don't trust him with her safety also. I am already dreading the 7 days his is going to have her on holidays. His mother once dropped his brother from the balcony!!!

Give me your wisdom Oracle!

You need a proper IM. One who could read the training thread and do this favour for you.

I wouldn't ask an employee to do it. Its a favour and an IM looks out for the BW. Its not a role for a subordinate. It's also a huge conflict of interests. Ask a friend who will do it as a favour.

You can IM by email. Can't one of your friends/relatives back home do it via email? You just need a fairly neutral friend, one who isn't personally involved or related.

Can you move closer to them? Relying on a wayward to help you parent is nuts. Allowing a wayward access to your home is also nuts.

As for your job, what would you do if your H disappeared tomorrow? You'd have to get serious and lay the law down about leaving on time to get your daughter. Or you would change the nannys hours.

Its just you and her now, so a serious, organised routine is a must.

He WILL drive you crazy from this point on. He will try to mess up the arrangements. And he will get very unreliable. So not getting home on time and relying on him to catch what you drop is not an option

Plan Bers accept they're are on their own now and get family or paid help. They allow access but they always have a back up childcare plan for a no show on the part of the wayward. And if he's late, the kid goes to the backup childcare instead.

What country are you in?

The lawyer shoould be dealing with legalities. Get one you like and trust.

Finances and childcare should be sent to the IM. The IM sends you his factual reply after 'spam filtering' out his personal words/garbage/fogbabble.

I know you aren't seeing much of that now. But that's partly because he can reach you! Not being able to reach you makes them panic. And you should have no idea of his reaction once in Plan B. The IM should not reveal his state of mind. The fact you know he is being quiet and appears to 'not care' is part of the problem. You'll heal better not knowing.

Can I send you a pm?

PM's are disabled on this site.

Have you seen this? IM Training School

Of course I have seen it but I have so many questions that I think they would make for a very boring thread if I address them.

This is the best place to ask your questions.

It's better to be educated and do a proper Plan B then make descions that can hurt your health.

Ask away.

1. I just read in another post Dr H's two year rule for the As. It's gonna be two years in November, but it's 6 months since DDay. Do I really need a long or a short plan B? I am going to do it for me and maybe I like it and keep it forever but what's the plan?

2. The nanny COULD be my IM because she is a BW too and by the things she is telling me she made everything wrong after D Day. She can easily see herself as a warrior for me. I WOULD prefer someone else like a friend but Indie said he should be neutral. How do you find neutral ones?

3. Most people return close to parents after D and I am also trying to, but I don't see that happening. We had difficulties in organizing parenting time due to job schedules when we were together, so with D it seemed almost impossible to do alone. I know, I have to spend money on Nannys to have my peace of mind and not rely on him for emergencies. Have you try gardening a huge garden all alone?

4. Should I be very rigid? If he asks to get her for 3 days instead of 2 to take her to my MIL do I accept? I will not, not because of rigidity but because she has to move her a.. and travel here instead of waiting for my little girl to be taken to her as she has always done. She has to face the new reality here, new house, new sports car etc as she was almost an enabler..

5. Once more: my D papers are coming anyday now and I was going to ask him if he is willing to accept a paragraph about not having OW in front of DD. Do you think it's the lawyers Job? My lawyer didn't want to do it, but I could insist. OR I could accept his word (...)

I initially planned to do a six month Plan B, but like it so much it will be permanent. It will be six months minimum I'd say.

I'll leave the nanny's suitability up to your judgement. It sounds like you are somewhat friends. Just remember its common to get annoyed with your boss and you will be placing yourself in her hands.

Be very rigid on timetables. Tell him to give you a suitable notice period of x days for changes. Agree changes if it suits you but don't do him any favours

What does your lawyer say about consulting your H? Get the lawyer to speak with him. If it isn't legal in your country then the lawyer can't do it and it doesn't matter what WH says if its not the law.

Which country are you in?

Agree.

I would also have your lawyer put the part about keeping your DD away from OW.

I am in the country that is responsible for the global recession. WE had the Olympics back in 2004.

And you are completely, 100% sure that I should quit snooping? Because apart from the upsetting part, It can help me let go...

Yes let's get far away from the upsetting parts!!!!

Right now you're very strong, in the battle, you feel fine. But you need to REST from the drama, not feed your poor head more things to turn over and over.

What more can you learn from snooping? You know enough.

As it is you will be spending months processing what you already know. One day, you will wake up having heard nothing of him for ages and you will feel totally removed and detached. The brain gives up pursuit of a topic when
It isn't being fed information.




Wow this is like Jeopardy. Is Greece your home country or just where you live right now?

Yes we can, oops I meant yes it is my home country!

But the same applies to him, right?