This article was a VERY interesting read. It really helped me see and understand some of my own behaviours as a teen and young adult. I was raised by a single mom .. and had almost all of this happen to me.

Here is the link to the main article

http://www.gillistriplett.com/rel101/articles/harmful.html

WHat ya think?
Edit to add text from the article in question.


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Raising Boys Wrong�
In the state of Georgia, as in most urban areas, two thirds of the Black children born, are born to unwed mothers. Most of those boys will grow up to be unproductive men in our society. For irrefutable proof one only needs to examine:

The high school drop out rate amongst boys from single-family homes.
The incarceration statistics for boys raised by single moms.
The mass number of single mothers who have trained their boys to devalue and disrespect the entire female gender

Am I blaming society�s ills on single mothers? No! Am I attacking or demonizing single mothers? A thousand times no! I am dealing with a critical issue that has devastated multiple generations. One that has not been properly dealt with for too long. I have watched this particular group of single mothers reek havoc and sow seeds of discord in the lives of countless children. I had one incident in which a woman, (I�ll call Racine ) was dating a man, she got pregnant by him and they moved in together.

Like many women who give themselves to dishonorable men, Racine assumed that she could change him and that he would eventually marry her. She was so convinced of her abilities to alter his conduct, that she got pregnant, AGAIN! You should know that Racine was in the church while this disgraceful chain of events took place. After their second child, her live-in boyfriend just up and left. He coldly and calculatedly abandoned her and both of their kids.

It is no secret that this is the norm for single women who get pregnant by their boyfriends. But like many women, Racine chose to ignore those irrefutable facts. She somehow believed her situation would be different than the countless single women who are left pregnant and alone every year. Before bolting, her enigmatic lover prepped his family, friends and co-workers not to divulge any information of his whereabouts to his ex.

For three months Racine pleaded with his family and friends to tell her what happened. After constantly listening to her forlorned cries, one of his family members couldn�t take it anymore. She broke down and told Racine the truth. Her Night In Pining Armour had dumped her and hurriedly married some bimbo. When Racine heard the heart traumatizing truth, she promptly joined the (BSMC), Bitter Single Mother�s Club. She turned into an angry and vengeful single mom.

Her means of getting revenge against her ex was to physically abuse both their children. She would do things such as force them to sit outside in the freezing cold for hours at a time. She would choke her older son, ( I�ll call Joseph ) while swearing at him and cursing his father. Because of her physically and verbally abusive behavior, Joseph learned to hate females.

Because of how his mother abused him and his little brother, Joseph detests the female gender with an unforgiving passion. Like his mother had been drilling in his ears for years, he followed in the footsteps of his father. He got a female pregnant while in high school, but instead of abandoning her and baby like his dad, he married her. Not because he loved her, but to prove his mother wrong. Joseph had taken on the same vengeful and abusive spirit as his mom.

In less than two weeks after saying, �I do!� he physically assaulted his new bride. He has been abusing her ever since. Even at my behest, his wife refused to file charges. She felt as though she could change him. Their little girl will be 5-years-old in 2004 and Joseph has never held a conversation with her because of distrust and hatred of all females. The only things he has said to his daughter is, �Shut up! Didn�t I tell you� No! Sit down and, go get me a��

Joseph kicked her across the room one night when she attempted to stop him from physically assaulting her mother. Did you comprehend what you just read? You just read how generational curses are started. Even worse, Joseph�s daughter is a likely candidate to believe that all men are dogs and become an angry Black female.

What you are reading are not aberrations. These incidents happen everyday. I could share with you so many other cases and incidents such as the large number of single mothers who for various reasons refuse to divulge to their kids who their true biological father are. These women don�t realize how their callous insensitivity has damaged their children.

I realize that what I�m sharing may be painful and may open up some festering wounds. It may even spark some dissenting and harsh responses. However, until we openly deal with this issue by shining the Light of God�s Word upon it, healing can never come. And the devastating curse of misogynistic men and angry boys will continue.

Some of you will read this article and say, �What about the things the men are doing and why didn�t you mention how daughters are affected when they don�t have a dad?� I�ll deal with the dishonorable men, deadbeat dads and daughters in another session. I cannot cover all of life�s issues in one article. Right now, our focus is the ten harmful things certain single mothers do to ruin their son�s lives.

If you are a single mother, this is an opportunity for you to look in the mirror of life and ascertain that you are not setting your son up for manhood meltdown. If you answer �Yes� to any of these test questions, make no mistake about it, you are indoctrinating your son for failure. He will develop a corrupted view of manhood, so take these test questions serious.

1. Do You Poison Your Son�s Mind Against His Biological Father?
Some women knowingly and intentionally perform this evil scheme. Others do it unintentionally. While boys are young, this vengeful act seems harmless, but as they grow older, they develop bitterness against their fathers. This root of bitterness, (See Hebrews 12:15 and Romans 3:14) will manifest itself in other areas of these boy�s lives. They play out their parental distress by becoming overtly rebellious, joining gangs, committing crimes and engaging in other self-destructive activities such as domestic violence and homosexuality.

As Founder and CEO of Mastering Manhood, I constantly meet men who were turned against their biological father by their moms. I have listened to men tell how they thought about killing their dads or wanting to hurt him just to get even for being abandoned. In many cases, their dads did not abandon them. Some of these mothers refused to allow the child to interact with his father as a way to punish the boy�s father. These mothers were being plain evil by fueling poisonous lies of child abandonment.

If you are a single mother, don�t speak offensively about your child�s father to your child. Even if it is true! You may be angry at him for not marrying you or for breaking up with you, or for whatever reason. But you must understand; by poisoning your child against his dad, you are accomplishing two damnable feats. You are embedding:

A spirit of discord into your child�s heart
a spirit of hatred and malice into your child�s heart

2. Do You Instill In Your Son: �The All Men Are Dogs,� Mentality?
You may hate the father of your child. You may hate all men. You may feel justified in your malice because of how men have treated you. However, all men are not dogs! Good men do exist! A portion of the men who become dogs were trained to be that way by their disgruntled mothers. These boys listen to their moms speak hypercritically, denounce and condemn all men until they develop a disparaging complex about being a male.

Once those seeds are planted in their impressionable minds and hearts, these boys lose hope about being an honorable man. Their mother�s words become a prophetic utterance. Albeit a negative one. Single moms, you must find ways to encourage your son and put a stop to words and actions that dismantle his vision of being a decent man. All men are not dogs!

3. Do You Play The Dating Game?
As a single mother, you cannot afford to play the worldly dating game of love, sex and relationships. When you become a revolving door for hordes of males, you indoctrinate your son to systematically devalue and disrespect the female gender. By watching an assortment of males freely enter into and abruptly exit out of your life, your son learns firsthand how to become a playa player, pimp, baller and shot caller.

As he witnesses your failed relationships, tears of regret from your manifold sexual liaisons and learns how you were dumped, played, dismissed and disgraced at the hands of detestable males, his conscience becomes desensitized to the well being of all women. As you play the dating game, you persuade your son that males were called to be pimps.

As a single mother, if a man refuses to respect you as a woman and honor the fact that you have a child, he is not worthy of your companionship. You need to know that a man should not date you if he is not prepared emotionally, psychological, physically and financially to take on the responsibility of raising your child. It is an absolute waste of your time for you to date or court a man who:

Doesn�t want children
Doesn�t like children
Is averse to raising another man�s child
Is not interested in getting married
Has it made clear that his objective is to dishonor you sexually

As a single mother of a boy, you are largely responsible for how your son will treat the next generation of women. Take that charge serious. Don�t set your son up for sure relationship, marital and manhood meltdown. Set before him an example of honor, respect and virtue.

4. Do You Engage In The Sleepover Trap?
Time and time again, I meet single mothers who allow men to spend the night, move-in or do long-term layovers. When boys see their moms engaging in such shameful activity, they become indoctrinated to see women as sex objects, booty calls and casual sex partners. Especially when they catch mommy in bed or on the couch with strange flesh.

5. Have You Made Your Son The Man of The House?
As cute as it may seem, your son IS NOT the man of the house. He is your child! Most single mothers will never understand the psychological damage they cause by anointing their sons to be the man of the house. By falsely convincing their boys that they are men, these single moms pigeonhole their adolescents into a pressure-based environment God never intended for them to be in.

Many of these undeveloped boys feel such emotional duress, that they resort to doing the unthinkable to meet their mom�s fanatical demands of manhood. These teenage boys freely talk about selling drugs, robbing people, car jacking and committing other crimes to take care of their household. It is not their household! Nor is it their responsibility. Never call or christen your son to be the man of YOUR HOUSE! For the love of God, he is not YOUR HUSBAND, he is YOUR CHILD!

6. Are You Feminizing Your Son?
To feminize means to cause a male to assume feminine characteristics. The way single mothers feminize their sons is by doing things such as:

Having him with them while they go shopping for women�s clothing
Taking him to the beauty salons while they get their hair and nails done
Having him in the bathroom and bedroom while they primp and pamper
Buying him feminine toys such as girl�s bikes, dolls, etc.
Providing him with feminine clothes, makeup or accessories
Involving him in feminine activities
Calling him cute, primping and pampering him
Piercing his ears and giving him earrings
Belittling or minimizing male-female gender differences
Bringing feminine or homosexual males into his life or presence

Single mothers who allow or inspire their sons to engage in activities that cause him to be feminized are partly responsible for the mass number of passive and effeminate males in our society.

7. Are You Training Him To Be a Man?
Get this irrefutable truth engrained into your mind and heart as expediently as possible. A woman cannot train a boy to be a man any more than a man can train a girl to become a virtuous woman. A man has his limits when it comes to raising and training girls.

He can read a thousand books and attend countless lectures, but he will never be able to fully understand or explain to a girl what PMS is, a woman�s hormones or what to expect when she gets pregnant. Most men won�t even attempt to broach subjects such as a woman�s broad range of emotions and feelings, her weight or looks, tampons or why women break out and cry at certain events and situations. It takes a woman to talk to a girl about those critical facets of her life.

In the same token, as a woman, there is only so much that you can instill in or teach a boy. Accept that fact and do not try to cross your boundaries. There are certain things that boys need psychologically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally, that you as a woman will never be able to impart to them. You will never understand or be able to help your son understand:

Masculinity
Testosterones
The male ego
A man�s penis
Why men are territorial
Why men love a good battle
A man�s need to conquer
A boy�s rites of passage

Like most females, you will spend an eternity scratching your head trying to understand why men gravitate towards brute competition. Since you will never comprehend these masculine things, you will never be able to properly communicate them to any male. Including your son!

SO STOP TRYING!

Leave the manhood training to the men!

8. Are You Emasculating Your Son?
Some single mothers ruin their sons by emasculating them. To emasculate means: 1. To castrate. 2. To deprive of strength or vigor and to weaken. These single moms accomplish this catastrophic emasculation process by:

Impeding the boy�s natural gravitation towards things that boys love to do, (i.e. rough sports and aggressive play)
By constantly scolding, condemning, yelling and screaming at him. This commonly used tactic erodes a boy�s self-confidence
By being a domineering or overbearing mother. These single moms not only bruise their son�s male ego, but they mutilate his male identity and condition him to be a cowardly passive male
Constantly seeing his mother crying or throwing temper tantrums. When a boy sees these seemingly harmless emotional outbursts, he becomes conditioned to respond to the issues and pressures of life in the same manner as his mom.

9. Have You Made Your Son Into a Momma�s Boy?
I constantly meet single mothers who delight in the fact that they are raising momma�s boys. Let me put things into proper perspective by first defining what a momma�s boy is. He has been raised and taken care of by his mother. She has dressed him, cooked his meals, did his laundry, put a roof over his head, babied and spoiled him since birth and still does so� although he is a grown man.

She has come to his rescue, fought his battles, spoken up for him, lied for him, blamed others for his sins and protected him from harm and still does so� although he is a grown man. She has bought his shoes and socks, paid his bills, bought his groceries and got him out of jail and other jams and still does so� although he is a grown man.

In their strange and contorted mother-son relationship, neither of one them is willing cut their now grotesque umbilical cord. By the way their mothers have raised them, these males have been indoctrinated to believe that women exist for the sole purpose of serving and taking care of men. They have no problem with moving in with a female and sitting at home, watching television while their wives, girlfriends and baby�s mothers work two and three jobs to pay the bills.

Their understanding is, �What�s the problem? That�s what my mom did and that�s what women are supposed to do!� When it comes to marriage and relationships, I advise all women to avoid momma�s boys. One way or another, these males are going to cause you heartache. Especially if you attempt to snip their umbilical cord. Single mothers who truly care about their son�s future will not raise their sons to be momma�s boys!

10. Do You Avoid Finding Strong Male Role Models For Your Son?
By having no strong male role models in their lives, boys are prone to gravitate towards:

Having a distorted sense of self-worth
Feeling irrelevant in our society
Rebelling against authority
Being passive males
Having a deep sense of vulnerability
Wondering about their legacy
Not respecting the female gender
Not understanding, respecting or embracing manhood
Not understanding, respecting or embracing marriage
Not understanding, respecting or embracing fatherhood

As they reach adulthood, these harmful traits make men become societal undesirables. As a single mom, you must make seeking out strong godly male role models for your son a top priority. Start with your child�s father. The only reasons you should keep your son away from his biological father is because his dad:

Is an alcoholic, drug user or drug dealer
Is wanted by the police or other authorities
Has harmful mental or other psychological issues
Is a thug or is involved in other criminal activity
Is an abuser, molester or perpetrator of domestic violence
Has threatened physical harm or violence
Poses a safety threat to you or child in some other fashion

Barring none of the above, you should not prevent your child�s from interacting with his dad. After the child�s biological father, look at the men in your family, church, after school programs and organizations that are passionate about raising boys. Be clear on this irrefutable fact: your son needs honorable men in his life if he is going to properly transition from boyhood to manhood.

If he has no godly strong male role models, your son will go from boyhood to adulthood, while skipping manhood. Don�t deceive yourself into believing that you can raise your son without men, you cannot.

I leave all single mothers with this final charge.

Malachi 4:6
And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.

Did you take note of what the Lord is doing? He is restoring the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers. Don�t become a stumbling block against this powerful move of God. If you have bitterness, unforgiveness or hatred in your heart toward the child�s father or toward the entire male gender, let it go!

If you are hiding a dark secret such as: paternity fraud, you gave birth to a child by a married man or you really don�t know who the father is. It may be painful to come clean, but you must. Lying to your family, deceiving you friends and defrauding others only exasperates the matter. In the end, your deception will come back to haunt you. Most likely when you least likely expect it

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MNG

It's a shame that an article that COULD have some value completely discredits itself with the "are you feminizing your son?" speech. Sorry, I couldn't go on. Unless someone wants to provide me a free babysitter, then my son will see me shop for my clothes or get ready in the mornings!

Oh i get that for sure .. Cant blame moms totally for being single. But there is a pattern with some or many behaviours.

MNG, I didn't have time to read the whole thing, but the general theme seems much like a book I read a few years ago titled "The Wonder of Boys." It is all about the disaster of boys being raised in fatherless homes based on research. I don't think I ever understood how critical fathers are to boys until I read that book. In fact, when I researched this issue, something like 70% of teen homicides were committed by boys from fatherless homes. It was a real eye opening read.

Wow .. really? I gotta get me that book. THanks ML! Thats a crazy stat!

hahaha When my son was 18 months old, my mother brought him a baby doll, much to my husband's horror. My son promptly threw it across the room and turned his riding pony upside down and started spinning the wheels. That was the end of baby doll!

That A boy! .. see .. he KNEW what the proper course of action was .. probably thanks to his dad :P

The Wonder of Boys [Bargain Price] [Paperback]
Michael Gurian
Michael Gurian (Author)

Amazon.com Review
In the thoughtful and provocative The Wonder of Boys: What Parents, Mentors, and Educators Can Do to Shape Boys into Exceptional Men, therapist and educator Michael Gurian takes a close look at modern boyhood. Gurian asserts that the biological and neurological differences between boys and girls need to be accounted for and nourished in order to raise healthy, happy boys. In discussing boy culture--and the roles of competition, aggression, and physical risk taking--the author concludes, "It's not boy culture that's inherently flawed; it's the way we manage it." If the natural, testosterone-based impulses of boys are squelched or ignored, Gurian posits, such biological truths may find their way to the surface in other, more negative behaviors. He suggests that boys do best when they are part of a "tribe," three families that include: a birth or adoptive family; an extended family of friends, teachers, peers, and mentors; and the "family" of outside culture, media, religious institutions, and community figures. The Wonder of Boys offers advice on how to understand and build strong father/son and mother/son relationships, stresses the importance of healthy discipline, and suggests methods of teaching boys about sex, relationships, and spirituality. Parents and teachers of boys will find this book to be an insightful read. --Ericka Lutz
http://www.amazon.com/The-Wonder-Boys-Mi...onder+of+boys#_

Dr. H talked about a study on the radio show about children raised in single father home's compared to single mother's.

Here it is: MATERIAL REFERENCED: Fatherless America by David Blankenhorn

Dr. Harley's Radio Clip on Fatherless America Study at 7:20 Mark

I am listening to it right now ... thanks! Your so fast at digging up clips Brain.

Whoah .. Dr. Harley stated that children raised by fathers statisticly turn out just as well as children raised by both parents.

I am not surprised... I lucked out I think. I ended up being one of those kids who looked at his situation and did my best to assure that my childhood was not repeated for my childrens sake.

I WISH when i was growing up that I had the guts to stand up to my mom and move in with my dad .. I would cave in to my mothers guilt about staying with her because I felt so bad for her ... but when i visited my dad I felt like I could go home and stand up to my mom ... but i think I would have needed my dad to help hold up my back bone. Which never happened. IT was not until the last 10 years that I really got to know my dad .. as prior he was just a weekend dad (every other weekend if i was lucky).

The good side is that if I did move in with my dad .. I would not have MrsNiceGuy right now as we have been together since I was 16 and she was 15 .. we leaned on each other for support and got our own place by 17 and still finished highschool while maintaing part time after school jobs to pay rent so we could get away from the crazyness that our home lives were. My school was very accomodating during the process of those last 2 years of school. And we did it without govt assistance.

I had to get away .. i was put in a parent role as soon as my brothers were born and was told I was the man of the house. It felt wrong the way my mom put the burden of my bros on me ... my wife opened my eyes to how unhealthy it was. I felt bad for years for abandoning my brothers .. like i had abandoned my own children.. is that weird?

So .. Yeah .. I guess I was a statistic. >.< technicaly speaking. Both the article and Dr.Harley are almost bang on in this instance.

Thanks for that clip Brain .. Hearing it from Dr. Harley brought it into a much more logical perspective.
***EDIT***
MNG

MNG,


Dig into The Art of Manliness blog good and deep. A good year of digging and reading should about cover all the bases, and there is at least that much material to absorb.

Oh I do .. I have been browsing it for some time now. Good stuff in there for sure!

I have to disagree that a boy liking a doll is improper ( if your comment mrniceguy was not meant tongue-in-cheek:)

My son has three sisters and he definitely has been influenced by their play to the extent that he requested ( and got) a baby doll as a three yr old and still now at age six plays elaborate and imaginative games with his sisters and play figures from the dollhouse. He also has a tender, empathetic nature that lends itself well to this play.

However, he is one of the most athletic boys I know and most days will find him wrestling on the playground at school, playing soccer and " wipeout" ( where you run as hard as you can against an opponent to knock them down lol) Loves trucks and cars etc. He also gave his cookie to a friend who was sad at school the other day. Sigh.

Point is its not the doll that's the problem, it's not shopping with mom that's the problem etc. These are just external harmless activities unless used for selfish purposes by the women in a boys life. That's the heart of the matter and what I feel the OP was referring to.

GH, I agree with you that there is nothing wrong with playing with dolls or shopping with Mom. The issue I had was that my mother is a radical feminist who likes to turn little boys into little girls. [she believes gender preferences are all constructs of social indoctrination] Most boys don't like to play house, that is typically something little girls like. It is just how we are wired. The male brain is very, very different from the female brain. That doesn't mean there won't be little boys who like to play house and little girls who like to play army. The exception doesn't disprove the rule.

Here is the boy who tossed the doll aside TODAY :

So handsome he hurts my eyes! And is he about 10' tall?

Yup.

Thanks ladies! He is 6'4".

We need to start a thread entitled "10 totally understandable things all 'moms' (if we must spell it wrongly) know to be true about their utterly heartbreakingly handsome wonderful sons".

I'll go first.

Mine is heartbreakingly handsome and is the nicest person I know, not counting my daughter.