I had a counseling session yesterday that was good, it helped me get to the bottom of a lot of the stressors in my life and also how fear of the unknown is crippling me. Then I had a planned conversation with HAM last night to try to resolve the divorce and you know what? IT DIDN'T BOTHER ME! No tailspin, no trouble sleeping, in fact, after the fairly fruitless conversation, I think I know what my "next right thing" is as my counselor keeps reminding me to focus on.

I've retread a lot of my thread. I haven't always followed the MB path exactly...but I've done what I could. And I am at a place where I feel the personal recovery ahead, even where I might be able to let go of some fears (like the fear that HAM could harm our son) that are basically nothing but fear. I have built a good network of support over the last year. I have exposed HAM and Tramp. I have provided for my kids and continue to focus on their needs. I can do this.

When you ask yourself, how could HAM abandon his son....
That is when AlAnon principles can help you. The first Step is to acknowledge that you DON'T have control.
You can bang your head against the wall and be just as productive.
Does is really matter WHY?

More important is how you allow HAMs behavior to affect you.

Yes, thanks HDW, that's exactly where I'm at. I actually brought out my codependency anonymous books and have been going over the steps and doing daily readings... Just getting my grounding. I wish I could go to coda meetings but the closest is an hour away, and when I've gone to alanon it hasn't helped a ton (my codependency was an issue before I met my husband and he's never drank around me).

JV, remind me again why you aren't in PB.

I was and my IM quit.

The you find a new IM.

Thank you for the suggestion. I haven't found someone local who would be able to and no one on here has volunteered, so I don't have that as an option. thankfully, I am moving along in my personal recovery and the contact I have had with my WH has had a minimal effect on me lately. The anxiety over how I might be affected by him has been much worse than the reality. That in itself was a healthy thing for me to realize.

I understand that the contact you have with your WH seems like it doesn't affect you very much, but being someone who is on the side where I have ZERO contact, I can tell you that there was a slip once, where my IM accidentally sent the whole email, and it affected me more than I could have ever believed had I not had the experience in PLan B previously.

I am sorry that no one stood up to be your IM. What type of IMing would you need? I would be willing to do it for you, if you need it so you cna get yourself into the safety of Plan B.

Hi Scotty, thank you for offering to help! What I would need is an IM willing to establish firm boundaries about visits/phone calls, and we have a lot of residual issues to deal with in the divorce. I'm probably going to have to let my lawyer go soon because he is not doing what I ask and then will have to take over that side of things. I will say my lawyer thought the judge would not like the IM thing here because it limits meaningful communication about the child. And right now our son is struggling in kindergarten and I might unenroll him and put him back in preschool for another year. It will be more expensive but I have a lot of people advising it.

I think your lawyer is correct.
To an outsider, an IM sounds a little weird. But your lawyer and outsiders aren't emotionally involved.

I reached a point (largely due to AlAnon techies about emotional detachment) that I am able to have "limited contact" with my ex wife. I keep the boundaries high. And prior to any response to an email from her, I ask myself: "how would my attorney respond? If the Judge reads my response will she approve of it?"

But I'm good at not being emotionally attached.
I attended a business Best Practices focus group a while back and a project manager said "Don't set your people up to fail". That is, don't ask someone to do something you know they can't.

In your case, the fact is you struggle with codependency issues. You NEED to be away from your husband. I understand you've had some good days with clarity but you need to protect yourself from the bad days. You need to focus on YOURSELF and your health as much as possible.

I encourage you to use Scotty's IM services. She's experienced and well versed in MB Plan B principles.

And as for the image of using an IM, explain it the same way I explain "limited contact": "I am following the advise of a national expert and limiting contact so I can focus on my children's well being and remain emotionally available to my children". If they have any more questions print out the Parallel Parenting article for them.

HDW, thanks for the response, I'll try that if/when it comes up again.

Right now, I may just see how the next little bit of time goes. I do have to move forward on some aspects of the divorce, and it might involve some contact with HAM. If I go back into Plan B with no cracks, I want it to be as it was for six weeks...absolutely no cracks. So I don't want to be wishy washy about it. I'm not sure if I'm ready to restart it in the next couple of days. I want to try and get some things resolved first. And, maybe, test how good my emotional detachment is. This isn't my first rodeo...my first husband was wayward and even married his affair partner...and without marriage builders I did a great personal recovery after plenty of distance, counseling, and learning about boundaries. I feel confident I can get there again with WH#2 (oh, what a sad statement!) Personal recovery is my goal at this point. Anything else really keeps me in an anxious state of hoping and expectation. I need to just keep focused on me and my kids, on moving forward. I also do have some confidence that if my WH were to ever truly come out of the fog, it would be apparent, as he would want to make amends based on his own previous work with the twelve steps. He's obviously very much in an entitled, dry drunk world right now. I have a feeling one day he'll come out of that, but I'm not waiting for it, and honestly, I probably won't be willing to risk another heartache for myself and my kids if he did. Especially the girls...this just hasn't been fair. They have no sense of what marriage should be, and what fidelity is. And sadly, they are all too aware of it, I'm afraid at this point they'll just assume all men are cheaters. We did talk about it a little at dinner time tonight, actually, and it was good to tell them that marriage didn't have to be this way and that with good boundaries and a healthy romantic love marriage can be successful. I hope they will one day know that in a more than intellectual sense. My son at this point is not aware enough to understand the deeper dynamics of infidelity.

What do you all think?

Statistically children of divorce have a lower success rate in personal marriages than their peers from married homes.

The exception is when a divorced parent remarries;

Children learn by example.

I'm glad I'm still reading the forums (daily) and still listening to the radio program. I still learn so much and, even though it's hard sometimes because of triggers to my own emotions, it helps me keep reflecting on my marriage.

I was listening to a clip this morning and thought about the premarital counseling I had with HAM and our pastor. She asked if there were things we would change about one another. I said yes, although if seems silly, it really bothers me that HAM leaves the seat up in the bathroom as I find it unsanitary. He, of course, said he didn't want to change anything about me. He also felt like he shouldn't have to change, that I was expecting too much. What a red flag!!! And you know, that darned toilet seat issue (among a few others where he showed absolutely no care for me) stayed around. My husband, whatever good qualities he might have had, was never a buyer.

Taylor Swift has a new song, "We're never ever getting back together.". My daughters thought it was silly to make a whole song about and that she at one point says softly, "never say never." I asked them who they thought she was writing the song for, and they said the boyfriend. I said, "I think she's writing it for herself...to remind herself that her standards are high and she won't be treated that way again, even if part of her misses him.". I really think this is where I am at now, too. I am not interested in going back to the husband I had. And I can see him so much more clearly now. And me more clearly, too, in that my standards were too low to begin with. One of my codependency readings for the other day was about words v. actions, and not believing mere words, even if they are what you want to here. I need to keep working on that.

Are you going to accept Scottys IM services?

At this point, I've decided not to re-enter plan B. HAM came to town again last weekend and the limited interactions I had with him were fine. I've had some drama at work this week (that was sadly all my own fault...but taking responsibility and ownership of my mistakes and poor choices has been freeing and healthy). I'm doing Teakwondo 2x a week and loving it, and even broke a board the other night. My life is full of blessings and I appreciate the beauty of it all. HAM saw me at my best...happy and free. He meanwhile looked like the inwardly tortured mess that he is. I think he's starting to realize it.

Yesterday I ran into the marriage counselor we went to briefly. She wasn't even able to get started with us because of HAM's dishonesty and gas lighting. She was saddened but not too surprised by the way HAM up and left and hasn't provided for his son and completely ditched his step daughters. She was very glad that the kids have me, and said how lucky they are. I'm the luckiest of all though, because I have a chance at an honest life. With HAM, I didn't even know all the lies I'd been told even from the beginning, and all the ways he held back from a true marriage. Now I do. And that truth is a blessing.

Now make sure you don't look and cling to someone like him.

Hi JV! Hope you are doing well...you are an inspiration of strength!

~Z

Thanks Zhamilia! Life is actually very full and good. I'm enjoying my own activities, the kids are doing awesome, work is very good (had a big trial last week and got everything we wanted).

Still have shaky finances, but that will settle out eventually. Still have the house almost in foreclosure, but again, not too much to be done about that. I am at peace despite it. I find that when obstacles arise, I just focus on finding a solution.

I'll probably be meeting with my attorney this week to get ready for a final hearing. I also sent a long letter and a few momentos to HAM. It was a chance to reach out, one last time, to appeal to him to step up and be a father, to apologize for my own failings, and to remind him of the vows we took. I have no expectations, the ball is in his court if he wants to get his life back. It was, in some ways, my closure, that I feel I needed to tell him that he could still get out of the mess his life is and get back to the ideals he once had, and that his son needs him.

DS talks about his dad a lot, trying to hold onto memories. He can be wistful at times as well, "remember when dad came to my soccer game? I wish he would come to every soccer game.". But HAM is only calling about once a week, and usually he tries to get off the phone after just a few minutes. DS often doesn't reciprocate the I love you's...he knows love is a verb, and that his dad isn't showing his love. None of HAMs family ever acknowledged DS's birthday...he's the only grandchild but they make no effort to be in touch with him. But my family is involved.

So, all's going as well as it can! And I feel good that my personal recovery is going as well as it can.

This sounds a lot like a Plan B letter. This would have been a perfect way to enter PB.

Will you be entering Plan B after a D?

Not a formal plan B with absolutely no contact and an IM, but minimal contact, and nothing that would constitute EN meeting. If he moves back to the area or it starts to effect me I can do it down the road if need be.

Interesting the idea that it was like a plan b letter...I think that, having run my plan b letter through review here and made a lot of changes, it didn't quite feel like my words. But also, at the point I entered plan b, it was a desperate time for me. Now I'm coming from a position of strength.