I also believe regardless of where he lives... he is STILL in constant contact by phone/text/in person with OW. I told him he can't have me at all as long as she is in his life. He told me he knows he can't trust himself and if he came back he would still see her. So... got me some paper and a pen and a stamp... lol... my brother is changing my locks right now. I already took away his keys but this seems better and more like YOU DON'T LIVE HERE. I even changed the name on the door back to my maiden name.

Thats great Loki! Have you thought anymore about changing your number and sending him a Plan B letter?

My offer as an IM still stands

I let him know I am probably moving out of state at the start of next year. Depends on how my job situation goes. Life goes on... with or without the WS in it.

Loki, how are you doing?

Plan B worked I guess... Or at least got a reaction. I feel like I might have more control over this now. I refused all contact except through his mother. He kept trying and I kept ignoring. My birthday came and at 12:01 I got a happy birthday text. He said he would be stopping by to leave things I "need" (i.e. he told me that he got me everything he wanted to get me while we were married so now it's just "practical" gifts such as kcups and other essentials - I said I didn't want a gift when he said this) outside the door (I took his keys in July). I said I was good and didn't need anything but thanks for the thought. Went about my business. He is so deep in his fog I believe nothing he says. He said he's done with her right now (the right now part has my red flag meter up) and moved back in with his mom. He said he needs to think and can't do it there. Do I think he still sees her? Absolutely. I said me or her so he is now pretending he doesn't see her. I've been here. But he came over on my birthday. Uninvited. He gave me a diamond heart pendant. I don't know what it means. He keeps trying to be in touch but of course makes no plan to see me (the compromise being he is talking to me what more do I want.. uh, my marriage back moron) I am feeling less and less connected to him. I feel he is HER boyfriend now and not my husband. Not sure if he's had some fear of losing me in him or just manipulating the situation. He SEEMS sincere, he tells me all his moves and whereabouts without me asking. I refuse to ask where this stands or what we want because honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. I've done everything and STILL he chooses his cake. He said he is confused and doesn't want a divorce but doesn't want to leave her either - that was until my breakdown on the phone about 6 weeks ago... I said I was done... I was not going to play second best to this trash and that when he wakes up and regrets what he's done NOT to call me because I will be long gone and if he continues the way he's been treating me I will also probably hate him. Then he did the about face that I am skeptical of. This has gone on so long and involved so many people who kept it from me I don't know what I believe or who I trust anymore.

When he first "left her" if he really did... I was getting a lot of calls/texts from my "so-called" friends who are also connected to OW. I refused to respond. I did tell my MIL that I would appreciate if her son would stop dragging me into HIS drama and to tell the skank's friends to STOP calling me I have NO comment about what he's doing and don't appreciate their fake friendship where they tell me they are there for me but are really just digging for info to give POSOW. How do I know this? Because they NEVER call me except when he makes a move TOWARD me. Not once have they called to see how I am. Not once have they called to just say hi. During ALL of this. But he stops calling OW or moves out on her and suddenly they are calling all my phone numbers being all so concerned about MY well being? no. POSOW wants to know if he's back with me. How stupid do I look?

I think I am just going to speak to a lawyer now.

I don't think he will ever really change. I think he will always in some way remain with her. Sad. I did all I could now. I returned the gift he gave me. I will not take any more calls and we can communicate through lawyers from here on out.

She is disgusting. Everyone agrees. My sister said I need to wake the F up already. She took my husband, she took my money (he is getting a settlement) she took my furniture (we planned on new stuff and picked it all out during false recovery last winter) and now she will be living the life meant for me in the house we were going to buy. She even calls herself Mrs. MYWAYWARDTRASHHUSBANDNAME. So yeah, it's done. She's right. I have no support. Every one of my friends and family said to file. One even said they would pay for a ticket to the DR for me to get it over with that much quicker.

Well, of course that is always an option. But do you think if he were to follow an MB recovery including tranparency, honesty, meeting EN's and spending UA tie together, you would take him back? I just don't want you to regret not giving him that chance. That is up to you and no one will argue with you about walking away. Especially if you have already suffered a FR.

I feel like I gave him the chance. Or chances I should say. I held on. I believed. I tried Plan A which succeeded and he planned to come home (which would have been FR2) and then he couldn't take the pressure one day and called her. Told me he didn't know what he wanted anymore he loves her and misses her then moved in with her. He denied he lived with her all summer long. Until I got fed up sent the Plan B and cut him off. Then he was suddenly moved out (when I said but I thought you didnt live with her he got mad at ME) and now I don't know what he's up to. I am skeptical this is anymore than a game of manipulation for him to get the upper hand/control back so he can turn around and either tell me he wants to be with her again (to see how it goes lmao, he actually wanted me to wait it out to see if they could make it or not, who has seen my husband, cause I don't know who this guy is)... he is so far into his fog I am wondering if it IS a fog at all. Seems when he could really lose me he panics but in the end it always is him seeing her and rekindling. I don't think that will ever end no matter how much I want it to or he thinks he can.

He won't do any program because he is convincing himself that if WE were meant to be SHE never would have happened. So unless he wakes up, which I no longer believe he truly will, we will always have a third person involved. And I am NOT that wife. I will NOT allow my husband to cheat while I pretend not to know or worse, be "ok" with it.

Wow. I just wanted to say that I am impressed with your strength and fortitude Loki. Best of wishes to you.

Me too. And I apologize, I didn't realize that you had already given him a Plan B letter and given him your requirements.

So when do you meet with a lawyer? Do you think you can cut contact with him again or will he just keep trying?

And I would go no contact with the friends who are pretending to have your best interests at heart

So I keep trying to convince myself this marriage is over. For all the things he's said and done. He has been mean and thoughtless, selfish and even tried to blame it all on me. Emotionally I am exhausted. Mentally I can't even think about any of this anymore. My family and friends discourage us saving our marriage so I really can't talk to anyone unless I want to file. They don't even want to hear his name after all he has done to me. His family I've stopped speaking to. But he is in touch constantly. Good Mornings... good nights... random calls and texts during the day. He is trying to "show" me he isn't with her anymore I think. He even tells me where and with who he is all the time. BUT except for my birthday has made no other attempt to see me. He has not tried to talk about whether or not we have a future or even if that is what he wants. When I did see him on 9/17 (first time in 7 or 8 weeks) he was trying to be "normal" and even tried to hold my hand but I don't know if it's everyone elses opinion or the past or what... something keeps telling me not to trust this... that he will do exactly what he always does. Since we are not discussing any of it, I am thinking it's because this way he can say he didn't lie (omission is still a lie) to me about seeing her. I don't know what I think or what I believe. I am scared. I can't get hurt by him again in the exact same manner he's already hurt me. I've told him this but he's made no comment - not even to say he won't hurt me again. So I am not sure what I should be doing now. Divorce just seems logical now. I love him very much. I always wanted to save our marriage but now... I don't know what to do.

Oh... what he always does is this: He acts as if he wants to save our marriage. He says and does all the right things to make me believe he means it. Then we will argue or the affair will come up and BAM he's calling her or looking for her and they resume contact and tell each other how much they love and miss each other then I get cut off with the speech of how he wishes he were different or he felt different but that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but has feelings for her that he can't deny and has to see where it goes.

I am willing to bet... he will do this again. Which is why he isn't talking about what he's up to now. Which is why he won't discuss whether this new episode means anything or if he's keeping me as his backup plan. I think he will see her and resume if he ever really ended that it - which I am skeptical now to believe.

It sounds to me like you aren't too sure. I totally understand when you talk about his cruelty and selfishness. My WH was the same way when he was in the fog. He didn't seem to care who he was hurting, it was all about him. He was completely different from the way he was before. But you know what, I have the man I love back now and he is a better husband than he was before because he has taken extraordinary precautions to affair proof our marriage and we are learning about meeting each others needs and improving our marriage.

What you can do is see if your WH will agree to NC for life with skank ho and live with EP's in place extraordinary precautions . If he agrees and puts them into action then you can move onto trying to recover this marriage and if he slips then file for D and know that you gave it your all. If he balks, then you have your answer, can get out of limbo land and file for D and know that you gave it your all.

Or you can meet with the lawyer now and file. You have support for whatever you decide.

(((hugs)))

I'm not sure which is why I've done nothing. If I could wave a magic wand over him I would. I am beginning to wonder if he is in a fog or if this is what he wants. At first I was thinking he might be in one because of how insane and all or nothing and manipulative he's been, but what if that is who he is and I never saw it before? What if this is not a fog and he's just a big old jerk? Thats so possible and everyone tells me to just cut my losses and run or have a lifetime of him having her on the side or worse, putting ME on the side. So far that IS what he's done. Put ME on the backburner while he flaunts and lives with his new "wife" lol... she can now tell me to go away, does he even realize that? smh...

Over the weekend I hope to detail my summer. It was up and down and so very painful on so many levels and it helped me heal and learn to live without him. I am sure on a personal for me level that's awesome but doesn't really sound too positive for my marriage...

Since I told him I will not play second best to a skank or be my husband's "booty call" on his whim and I said a lot I don't even remember... all my emotions all my pain all my thoughts came out in several messages about a month ago. None too nice about what he's done to me and how he's behaved. It made him move out of her house. But it hasn't changed anything. At first I thought it did because he came bearing birthday gifts and tried to hold my hand but yesterday I decided to ask some questions, because it's not like he will be forthcoming. He did make it a point to tell me where he was and with who etc and has done that for about 3 weeks now but I am sure not everytime was true and I am sure he ran the same lies on me before... but I don't know if thats me being jaded and skeptical he can tell me the truth ever or if I am having a gut feeling.. anyway... here's how it went...

He called me yesterday to tell me where he'd be. He would be at a friends who lives in an area where cell signals are bad. I've suspected before that he says he's there so his unanswered phone/ignored texts don't look suspicious to me. And for 2 weeks he said he would be playing some card games where he had to turn his phone off and would let me know I would not hear from him all night. Yes, my red flags went up. But we have NOT discussed reuniting so I let it go and kept my thoughts about it to myself. I think he wasn't playing cards. I think he wasn't at that friends house. I think he was with her and that he tells her the same thing he tells me. That we don't speak. And that it's her he wants... I also think on my birthday a phone call he received while sitting on MY couch was her. Why? Because he always says who's calling and this time he answered the phone and told whoever that he was "in the middle of something" and would get back to them... So back to yesterday...

I got the call that he would be at the "bad cell signal" friend's house ALL night. mhmmm So I texted him to just answer yes or no then asked if he still sees her. He said he saw her 2 times in the past 3 weeks. I asked him why he was even bothering me then. I said I told him I would not be any part of his life as long as she was. I said I told him I would not deal with this nonsense anymore. I asked him if this meant he was still trying to "decide if he wants a future with her" and he did not respond. I asked if the 2 times was 3 weeks ago or like yesterday... he did not respond. I think he had plans to not instigate a FR exactly because he never said he wanted to reconcile with me but his plan was to regain his upper hand and keep us both by stringing us both along until he couldn't anymore and stays with her. He chooses me every time but then goes back to her, so I think maybe he should just go be with her now and leave me alone.

I don't think he wants to change. I don't think he wants to get rid of her and I don't think he wants to los me either. I don't think he will care if he does lose me, I don't even think he'd notice right away honestly. I think he has gotten used to being a cake eater and will not change now. I could be wrong but I have been here for so long now with him doing the same thing again and again it's hard not to give up hope and remind myself that THIS man is NOT my husband anymore and the man I married might never have existed at all.

Doesn't sound like it to me either. So stop wasting your time and move on with your life. Change your number and make that appointment with the lawyer.

How are things, Loki?

Hi Loki,

I am sorry you are in this situation, and in such pain. I am confused, I thought you said you were in plan B? What you are doing now IS NOT plan B!


Did you give your H a plan B letter? If yes, what did it say? It should have clearly stated to your H that you would have ZERO direct contact with him unless and until he ended ALL contact with OW, then he would write OW a NC letter (that you approve and send together), and make all needed changes to make it impossible to ever have contact with OW again, EP's.

You are listening to his FOG BABBLE! This plan you are currently in will not work, you are setting yourself up for a FR, and not protecting your love bank.

You need to ask the mods to move this thread to SAA. They will give you step by step directions.

Please read this.
False Recovery