I'll dig deeper, but keep in mind that her honest communications with her enabling cousin, including trying to get him to contact her back through that cousin, have all failed. Cousin admitted no contact back in response to her own attempts. The wife has been adamant about being alone since exposure, over being with me, obviously because she is still upset with me over exposure.

I'll take the threat serious and dig further, but all I am seeing is direct comments between her and the cousin admitting no contact, and that has been crying over missing him, which I have seen. Keep in my mind that one trait of my wife is shear stubbornness. She started down the D path and sees stubbornly headed there no matter what, at least at this point. I will dig deep and make sure, though.

Just asked the OM to de-friend my wife in FB and let him know the impact this is having on my kids (he has a son and daughter as well and went through all of this with his ex). We'll see if he does this or not. I also threw in a "no contact means no contact" comment to put a little seed to make him wonder what I do and do not know.

I'll update when I have more info.

Falcon,
Why are you treating this with kid gloves. Man up and shut it down. Asking the drug dealer to stop supplying drugs to the junkie = brilliant(do you really believe that will work).
Also, first rule of waywards = don't believe a word they say/text (that includes the enabling cousin)
Snoop more, you are being cuckholded.
Still Plan A if your intent is to stay married.

He just de-friended her (YES! Should have done that sooner - sound of me smacking my head). As I have mentioned, and became to much trouble for him to be worth pursuing. He was fishing.

What really sucks is when I look at pictures of the guy on his timeline and see that he is much shorter than me, fat, and bald. I guess it's true what I have heard about waywards finding someone else beneath their station and a lesser person than their spouse.

One less problem to deal with. I really believe all the evidence continues to back me up that he is done with her. The trouble of her and the effect on my kids, which he got to see with his own, I think cemented the deal. I'll keep looking deeper and seeing if I can find something, but I'm pretty confident that it is over on his end. My wife may just be in the "I'm better off alone because I am so damn stubborn" mode, which means I need to start the full on press to woo her back to me.

Falconrap,

You just shot a pit bull with a bb gun, when you needed to take a flame thrower to his life. Expose the OM to all of his facebook contacts now, your WW is addicted to OM and OM knows his has something better than he could have ever hoped for.

Your WW is now going to try and find out WHY he defriended her or go with a secret facebook contact.

OM has NO empathy for your family!

God Bless
Gamma

I understand the norm, but go back and read my posts from earlier. The man was backing off before I even knew, well before the ILYBNILWY speech. People told me he wouldn't back off, yet he did. He was fishing and he had to stare at his kids everyday and see what the results of divorce are. Every piece of communication I come across states he refuses to make contact again, even through an intermediary. I asked, and he de-friended my wife as I expected he would.

I will keep digging, as I understand and feel the same paranoia, but I believe she had long started becoming ore trouble than she was worth for him. Best case they couldn't be together for a year because she can't afford to pick up and go, and he can't afford to help her. The fact they didn't go PA whe n they met (at an open gas station for 20 minutes, no less) indicates he never sealed the deal, and likely for good reason.

I'll keep looking, but I am pretty confident in my Intel.

If she is asking to sever your cell accounts, she intends to carry on her next affair -- either with the same guy or someone else -- without your knowledge.

In Plan A, you're not such a nice guy that you are an enabler. I would refuse with an "I'm not enthusiastic about that". If she wants an Assumption of Liability, she can do it herself.

Keep up the good work meeting her intimate emotional needs. Spend at least fifteen hours a week with her. Are you doing that?

Dude, why are you making this so hard on yourself?

Suppose you wanted to calculate the total number of degrees in the outside angles of a regular polygon. You could do all the work and diagram all the isosceles triangles within it, and do all the work to figure it out. Or, you could just use the work done by some Greek thousands of years ago, and no the answer is (n-2)x180, where n is the number of sides. You want to "discover" (and spend time doing so) what has already been documented.

We here know that a WW, having invested "love units" in her POSOM, is much slower to "write off" the investment as shabby and toxic. (WHs get out usually a lot faster.) WWs have the ability to become "love camels", keeping their affections for their APs simmering long after the source of their EN-satisfaction has been removed.

What is often needed is a "shock" to her system, and the the best one is very often the brutal rejection of her, from the POSOM, as a result of his reaction to the effect on his life of exposure. (The worst WW situations are the ones in which the POSOM is a single "player" who cares not at all about being exposed.) You have failed to hurt POSOM enough to generate that effect. The "defriending" might be a start to this. You'll see.

The next best "shock" is a realization that your "stick" is not to be withheld indefinitely. For her, at this stage, to demand that you spend $$$ to enable her to restart her affair at the time and instance of her choosing basically means she has no fear of your ever pulling the pin on the dissolution grenade. She's treating your efforts with contempt. We see that from out here. The answer should have been, "We'll deal with separating the cell contract as part of the divorce process, if you keep up your adulterous plans."

BUT...you evidently have to trip over every stone, run into every pot-hole, on the road that we have already driven. It's almost too painful to watch.

I went through this BS last year.
What part of No Contact don't you understand? She's friends with him so they can see each others pictures.
My wife would block the OM, then unblock, then delete facebook, then restart it.
It is a HUGE red flag that she is even on Facebook.

In my experience, Facebook is deleted (permanent deletion) or the affair is still active.
And If she refuses to end Facebook it's because she is still "in love " with him.

BTW there are also dozens of chat apps available for affair partners to communicate.

I'm goin to read through your thread some more. But it sounds like you are still in an active affair situation

Will do. I understand and will give her more resistance. The assumption of liability was something I didn't even understand what it was about. She may be "planning" to continue the affair, but her OM isn't and I'm hoping that the removal of that trigger and the rejection it represents will drive the point home to her that I already seeded her with.

I understand you frustration with me NG. I'm trying, I'm just not the kind of guy that likes to get confrontational with women, because I can go ballistic when I'm pissed. I have to be careful and try to do things in as calm, yet forceful, a manner as I can. We all know how difficult it is. Just keep feeding me with suggestions as things come up, don't dwell on the other stuff. I know I need to get tougher with her and I've been doing that at times. I just need to be more consistent.

I'm going to keep digging and work to fill the pot holes. I wish I had thought of the FB thing earlier, but I just started realizing, thanks to info from others, that this may be triggering her and relapsing the EA in her mind. I will reinforce the boundaries, put a little more stick into action, and continue to amp up the level of carrots.

I just read your whole thread. She never agreed to write the No Contact letter?
Calling him to defriend her likely wont work.
My wife's affair partner gave me "his word" that he would never contact my wife again.
Today I am divorced and she is living with him!

Until she writes that letter you are in an active affair

Stop speaking for the OM. You don't know what he plans on doing

Have you done a background check on this OM?
If not you need to do so.

Apologies to all short, overweight, balding betrayed husbands reading this.

Be careful .........

I'm not trying to speak for the guy. I have seen no contact, and he was backing off long before I knew. When a guy is doing this, he's usually not all in, and has determined that the woman is not worth the effort. This is how I read the guy from the start after reading quite a bit if their communications. She repeatedly had to coax him back into responding. It very much looks like he never really had it for her. And just fished, got what looked to be a sure thing, but the complications probe on piled up and made it not worth it to him.

I can't help that everything I look at, and everything he has done, indicates this. I was very weary of the potential that he wouldn't want to end it, but I could tell by their communications that he would break it off and run when exposed, and it appears that he has. I can't find anything that shows otherwise, and I've been looking for weeks. I simply forgot about the FB friends thing. She has been of the mindset, and stated such to her cousin, that she was planning to keel going down the D path and then show up at his door sometime mid next year or so. She clearly isn't convinced that he doesn't want her, at least not yet, but I planted some seeds and hope the defriending kicks it up a notch. I'm going to have to really work on getting her to start to have some more feelings for me and amp up the guilt, or she'll just keep on going down this path.

I think this is all about how she thinks we are hopeless and that she can win the OM over when she shows up there.

She has made a mistake that will help me rule out what she is and isn't doing, but I don't want to discuss it yet. I'll keep digging to see if I turn up something different.

The fog continues as long as your WW holds out any hope that OM will return to the affair.
Her Facebook account feeds this fantasy.
Her enablers also feed this fantasy.
She might be keeping letters or mementos that feed her fantasy fog.
Music CDs they shared will delay recovery.

In other words, all reminders must go.

OK. Assuming you are 100% correct. What does this say about your wife?
It says she is deep into the fantasy in her own mind. Which supports my previous post.
All reminders, 100%, must GO before she will recover her senses and be able to function as your wife again.

If this lasts much longer, my suggestion is the following:
You make a phone call appointment to the Harleys for yourself. They will eventually give you ideas of how to get WW to agree to talk to them. They have experience when it comes to getting a WW to focus back on the M. NOT individual counseling by normal means. NOT typical marriage counseling. They do affair busting counseling.

At least put it in your war chest as a weapon to pull out if this lasts another 10-14 days. It does not get easier if you wait. Your WW is in full-tilt romance novel mind-set. Watching her do this will drain your love bank dry.

Be careful. How is your love bank, by the way?

Thanks for the advice, Pep. My love bank is holding on. !e had a good marriage before all of this. It started going down hill this past year (mostly since April). So I'm hanging in there.

I'll see if I can try the phone appointment thing. I'm a little concerned about costs at the moment, but whatever will work to get her to at least consider working on the marriage. I know I can save this thing if she will just be willing to try. That, of course, is the toughest part of the BH/WW equation.

Right now, all she has is triggers like FB, songs, a particular movie, and any texts, emails, and photos she has. Getting her to get rid of that stuff is going to be tough unless she is willing to start focusing on the M.

Thanks for the help and I have some homework here.

Pep, are you talking about the phone counseling with Steve Harley?

Yes.
I worry am concerned about your love bank.