What little I do know of you, Sunny, you WILL conquer this. I have always been impressed by your ability to assess, change and grow.

Good call on my thread. It's been too long, but I really did want a break. I felt for a while that coming here kept the topic too close. But I'm feeling pretty good these days.

I WISH we had special plans tonight. But the Packers are on, so while the FWH watches, I'll keep an eye on it while editing our latest wedding video project. (We actually did launch our small video business). So, it feels like I'm constantly working.

Cheers!
SP

Ahhh...my hubby is a Seahawks fan. BUT, we DO like the Packers too.

Thanks for the vote of confidence!

October used to be one of my favorite months. It's sad to me that it is no longer...because of the evil 2010. I am really not looking forward to the next couple of weeks - DDay anti-versaries and all. Tomorrow will be the 2 year mark of discovering the email proof of the affair. I was naive enough to believe it was "just" an EA. It wouldn't be until the night of the 15th that I discovered otherwise. Oddly, in my mind I keep thinking that it didn't go that way - that I discovered the emails on a late Sat. night and then the following Friday got the PA confession. But...apparently, it was a week later than I thought. I double checked the date of my original thread to be sure! And...I know the email discovery date for certain because it was the night before my daughter's birthday. I didn't let on about my discovery because I didn't want to ruin her birthday. Crazy how that Sunday I held it together as we went out as a family, etc...

We've been doing so well. Last night I did trigger badly though, as we watched TV. We were watching a sitcom fairly late as we went to bed - one that usually causes no issues - Wings. A possible love interest was brought into the picture and guess what? It was the same *&#*&# name as the OW. These days the name doesn't bother me as much in passing as it once did. However, the name was said repeatedly. And...the things said just made it worse. Things like, "You don't turn down A __insert OW's name__! Maybe a Hilary, but not a ____! A _____ is this. A ____ is that.... A ______ will rock your world.... Crap like that. SIGH.

I didn't say a word. I played with my phone to try and distract myself. H did not say a word either. I'm sure he had to have known it bothered me, but what could he do? When we turned out the lights a little bit later he did scratch my back and snuggled up to me. But...some things are still hard.

I was glad that H stayed home from work today and we ran errands and had lunch together. I needed it!

I haven't said anything about tomorrow's antiversary or the other one upcoming.

This year beats last year - that much I know. I am certain next year will be even better. The "name" and the place still haunts me though - and I wish it didn't! As I've mentioned - it's such a common name. The place, not so much so, but...as I've also mentioned - I now have to deal with the place often as well. Ironically, that's exactly where DD's boyfriend happens to be from - of all places! His favorite college team is the dang team there - the same one that H went and visited the field with Skank.... And it doesn't look like they are going to split - at least not any time soon. (He's a really great guy - not saying I want them to break up.)

If I could get rid of that dang name and that dang town I certainly would! Those 2 things are still the worst for me.

Still staying positive: I'm looking forward to Halloween! Once Halloween is here, the worst is over.

On another positive note - looking forward to seeing the doc on Wednesday and getting my hormones balanced.

I'm so glad that H and I have MB. I can only imagine what H3ll my life would be today if I had not found it! It's reassuring to know that as long as we hold onto the principles and practices here, we are safe and secure.

Some things really do just take time and no matter how hard you try, you just can't rush it. Recovery is like that during the harder moments.

Sunny
My prayer is that you get through this time as smoothly as you have guided the rest of us!

I know too well how the triggers fire from every direction and from the most unexpected sources.

Especially around certain dates.

Our DGS's other GM who lives out of state comes into town to stay for a few days and of all the motels in Georgia she checks into the very one MEE had her PA! Would that be hyper-flooding?

Keep looking forward! The great pumpkin will be here soon!

UGH...same hotel...I can only imagine your horror! I guess I'm fortunate that the PA did not occur where we live. On the other hand, it's made the city/state where it did occur more of a thing. He had to plan his trips there; there was no other reason for him to go to that place. So, it makes it that much more associated with the A and seemed (to me) that much more "special" because it isn't like it "just happened." It was definitely pre-meditated.

Hyper-flooding: not pleasant but sometimes it is an effective tool in fighting down bad memories!

Your mention of the Great Pumpkin made me smile. That's going to be my symbol of hope in October from now on!!!

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10. Okay, I'm calm!

H did not say a word either. I'm sure he had to have known it bothered me, but what could he do?

Oh, I don't know....maybe TURNED OFF THE $(?$%{% TELEVISION? Then maybe have sat next to you, or better yet pulled you into his lap and kissed you, while telling you that he was sorry that everyday occurrences now have the ability to hurt you?
But since I'm now so clearly calm and in control, I have one for you, too:

Remember O & H? Were your lips so magically sealed that saying, "Honey, that kind of trigger still bothers me. I hope you understand, and will help shield me from them," was beyond you? Seriously, doesn't the man you're married to have the right to the same, if not MORE, information about your feelings than you share with us?

So, instead of a marriage-reaffirming interaction (possibly leading to other forms of hormonal readjustments), you sat and stewed, and he sat and "guilted", and nothing positive happened.

Barkeep, it's after Noon somewhere in the world!

Sunny,

I used to sit and ignore it and fidget and stew but realized what sense is there that I sit and feel bad, and SHE sits and feels guilty, and neither one of does a thing about it?

There are probably only a few things about MB that I get right consistently...opening my mouth when something on the radio, tv, etc. is making me feel uncomfortable is one of them.

Better yet, doing so has created an atmosphere where my W is usually beating me to the remote, etc. to change it or shut it off before it becomes even reaches the point of becoming a trigger -- for either of us.

Be well.

Well, NG, when you're right you're right. It all happened so fast... the bad part in the show was over so quickly that I guess we both were just a bit shell-shocked. I said nothing. H did DO something (10 minutes later) but he said nothing as well. Of course, he knew how I felt - I'm sure I didn't need to tell him, but it would have been beneficial to do so. And - it definitely would have been beneficial for me to hear him say he was sorry. I do believe he tried to show it in the extra TLC, but sometimes you need to hear the words.

I guess we need to talk about this, in some regard - but to do so in a manner that makes it about the here and now - not about the past. That should be a fun line to figure out!

I agree with NG, I was thinking the same thing, change the channel!!!

SunnyD, I don't know what the Dr H advice is about this, or how the vets feel, I would def like to hear people weigh in. In regards to 'antiversaries' and other dates, times, places, etc. that are A related. I feel like we all work hard to not bring up the A but I hear people all the time on the recovery thread talk about antiversaries and such. Its almost like a date we put in our calender, if not remember in our heads, like its something special. I would think the same manner of 'never speak of it again' advice could apply to antiversaries too, don't talk about them, don't let yourself think of that date in anticipation, etc. Don't give it POWER. Its just a day, afterall, and not one that is special in any way that deserves to be commemorated. And although I know that is not anyone's intention, it sure seems like it is done, nonetheless.

My first antiversary I was not a part of MB yet, I don't remember what I did that day and it didn't really stand out to me (although in the back of my mind I knew it was there). My second antiversary which was just a month plus ago, after being on the boards for awhile and reading about everyone's antiversary, was MUCH more in my mind. In fact, I couldn't quite remember the DATE of it, so I looked it up on my calender (as in went back to 2010 so I could figure out the date, I KNOW how dumb is THAT). I actually made sure I wouldn't forget that it was, indeed, my antiversary on that particular day! Dumb dumb dumb. Something the old UW would have done, but didn't, and now the new UW who has gotten gloriously gifted at allowing no bad things in her head or out of her mouth is actually researching the date to make sure it is not forgotten.

I think we all need to take the power away from that day.

I have personally done the same with places. The city where H's PA took place is a city H and I happen to go to/through a lot for our hobbies, which used to suck. I would see the road signs coming up to it and start to get all shakey and quiet. IDK I just decided I was NOT going to let that POSOW take away a city from me, or make me shakey and quiet because she did not deserve that power, so I took it back. I just mentally said, I am going to think about all the great things this city reminds me of, which is in the case hobby related things that make my life beautiful. Ya in the back of my mind its still there, but I don't allow it to take over my thoughts anymore.

So much of this game is mind control, of your own mind, I find. You have the ability to give something power, and you also have the ability to take it away.

Yep - you're right, Help. Sitting there shell-shocked did neither of us any good! We've hit the remote before and turned things off... but it's usually when something is more blatant. This, as I mentioned to NG, just happened so fast that it really was like a quick bombing. It was said and done so fast... but man, did it hurt!

This just makes me realize that H and I need to get to the point where we can discuss this stuff more easily. Wow - I thought we were there - we are not. We have done a great job making things about the present and future...but we have to do a better job sharing our feelings in an appropriate matter.

I really took to heart the directive of "not discussing the A or triggers" but you have to maintain the O&H too.

Good to see you again, HfD!

You, too, Sunny...and it makes me very happy that you are well and keeping tabs here.

Just for clarification - the bad segment was probably about a minute - and then it was done. It's kinda like, by the time it all registered - it was over. BUT...we still should have turned off the tv and had some sort of discussion right then and there. (As it was, it was 10 min. later when we turned out the lights... no discussion....then H scratched my back...)

Personally, I don't try and remember the dates or WANT to give them credence, it just happens in my own head. Trying to "forget" just seems to make it worse. lol. But, I do agree: you either give those dates/places/names power or you take it away. Sometimes I am there. Sometimes I'm not. I've always been a date-related person, which doesn't help. In the past it's been a positive thing - being able to mentally relive good times in my mind - years following a special event. This time though, it is a negative.

As I've advised others, I will do the same: try to replace the negative with a positive and reclaim the date. I've tried to reclaim the name by thinking of all the people I LIKE who have the same name. I can't really reclaim the place since I've never even been there... but I do try and think of it as being the place DD's BF is from and not Skank City.

The mindset change about the date just is going to be one of those time heals all wounds things, I think. Last year I tried to make a positive memory from this time period but unfortunately, the negatives from 2010 are overriding those thoughts.

Having said that, I truly do believe actions change feelings. I will do some things today that are positive towards our marriage - and I will talk to H about what I need - and I will trust that action will get us through this, and make us better.

Thanks!

I have to say, I've worried when I haven't seen you post in a long time... so I've been glad to see something here and there from you lately. I'm sure the services were very hard for your wife but it seems like you two are learning and progressing - a very good thing!

See I have that going for me, I don't EVER remember dates. I would forget my own birthday if not for facebook. You know I fret often about not being 'girly enough' and that is one thing that I hate, not remembering dates, don't like to shop so I don't buy gifts, don't send cards...just one of those things that is expected of a girl. Finally it is working to my advantage!!!

And, my H had a ONS, and I am always cognoscente that I have FAR less things to recover from and forget about than many BS's do.

Thanks, Sunny.

On one hand, "Life" just gets busier once the school year starts. On the other, I think stepping away from the forum from time to time is actually a good thing for me, mentally and emotionally.

I try to add my insight when I can, and hope -- for good or ill -- that it helps others.

I agree - it's hard being a "girl" sometimes! lol

I can certainly understand that! I step away some too, if it's causing me to focus on the past. On the other hand, cruising the Recovery forum can also help me to stay on the narrow path of recovery.

Just posted this (well, something similar) on Unwritten's thread about my doctor visit yesterday. Thought I would post it here too, if anyone would like to discuss. I know some of us 40-somethings have had conversations about aging, libido, hormones and all that stuff.

I am looking forward to a healthier, more energetic self! The doc says not only should my physical health improve, but my mental health too! I start my diet plan officially next week, after a session with the nutritionist!

Sidenote: the triggers came and went pretty quickly, all things considered. I'm back to being my "sunny" self. lol


I spent 3 hours yesterday at my new "wellness doctor" as well as 2 hours last Friday. I've learned a lot in a short time about hormones, nutrition, and how it all affects the body and brain. This doctor is one who left traditional medicine because she was tired of prescribing drugs to people to cure symptoms and not working towards getting them well. The focus is on getting one's own body to peak performance as the well oiled machine it was intended to be.

In talking to her about my issue, she explained to me that your body can test normally (on blood tests) for something, but that doesn't mean it is being utilized in the body properly. A lot of us suffer from adrenal fatigue and don't even know it, for instance. We go to our doctors saying "something's not right" but tests come out ok. So, the doc says, "eat better; exercise; get sleep." Do we follow that advice? no - not usually. lol.

This doctor does a full work up (blood tests, EKG, etc...) but also spends 3 HOURS with you discussing all your symptoms. Then, she prescribes vitamins and supplements as well as a diet plan to get your body cleansed of junk and to help kick it into gear. Sometimes she prescribes bio-identical hormones, if needed. The vitamins and minerals she prescribes are targeted towards your personal symptoms, not a one size fits all. It's a very holistic approach to good health.

It's worth noting that she and I did discuss other things that affect libido. You know, the emotional stuff as well as body image, stress, state of the marital union, underlying resentments (even subconsciously) etc...

Couples have come to this doctor for infertility - after everything else has not worked - and have successfully gotten pregnant.

Anyway, I just found it all very enlightening. I guess she's our area Dr. Oz. LOL

Thanks for the info.

So did she add anything to your vitamin/mineral regimen? Or were you good?

She added A LOT. Upped my Vitamin D; kept me on ground Flax... Fish Oil... a good multi-vitamin...B complex...and several things I can't think of the name of because they're more complicated. lol CoCu10?

And some progesterone cream and a thyroid "activator" of sorts. It's not thyroid medication but something that helps the thyroid work better.

And some cortisol drops...and an anti-yeast type medication. Yeast overgrowth is a serious problem in most of our diets.