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I AM in plan be since 10/3. I even changed my sig after realizing that previously that was not a plan B. I am holding on. Its been 10 days (if you dont count the exposure to OW parents done be a letter). I feel better already. I just have a lot of thoughts regarding past.
Me: BW, 41
WH: 46
Married 7 years, together 12
DD: 5
OW: 39
D-Day: 11 April
Plan B since 10/3/12
Divorced 11/12
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I promised to translate my PB letter. I think it was good. Of course you may think otherwise but if you think its of any worth I publish it here for the purpose of helping others. It is an emotion filled letter. Here it goes:
"This is a long due letter. I should have given it to you in August or much sooner, but even now, I think that I owe it to you.
I have told-and showed-to you before that I know my part of responsibility for everything that has happened. I allowed a big void to be created in our relationship and the void started to swallow feelings, needs, moments. The void was insatiable and impatient-always is. I managed for a brief time to show you how much I still believed in us and how much I wanted to give you what I deprived you of. I NEVER imagined that we had to move on conventionally.
I want to explain my present stand because you have to know. The last five months have been the most difficult in my life. The pain was unbearable. Unexpected and inexplicable. Then there was anger, there was paralysis but a decision also. A decision to penetrate your armor and hold your hand again. My armor was disassembled in one night. A lot of times it seemed that we were going to make it, that love was still there. I fell in love with you, I hated you, I fell in love again, I hated you again. But, my strength was less than my pain.
That�s why we needed and need now to stay away. Not because, as you sure think, I see you as my enemy. It is quite the opposite. I want to protect my feelings for you from all the ugliness that was inevitably surfacing. As long as the other relationship exists, all this sea of emotions was being spent aimlessly. I realized that we should not spend anymore; even those three months may have been too much. It was unfair and unequal for us to not have the chance to be ALONE, without the other interference standing at the end of the telephone line or at the turn of the road, totally blurring your sight. Some people marry drunk. We got our divorce drunk, literally or metaphorically.
I have asked you to stay as far away as you can. I am asking this again, but I explain: when someday you feel free, when you�ll need to discontinue what triggers the pain, your wife is here and she loves you. Then the strength will be bigger that the bitterness. Then wisdom gathered in those five months will blossom. And then you gonna erase our names from the statistics and put them in another statistic, personal and absurd. And one day we gonna stand on top of the highest peak, naked, strong and free. Ugliness drowns those who surrender. Love is a wild horse. And we used to know the art of riding it. We even took a third traveler with us. And promised her the world.
Now, let reign silence. If someday you leave the other story behind you PERMANENETLY and for EVER, only then, believe it, you will be able to ask yourself if you truly WANT TO. If I am still HERE then, come back to me".
Me: BW, 41
WH: 46
Married 7 years, together 12
DD: 5
OW: 39
D-Day: 11 April
Plan B since 10/3/12
Divorced 11/12
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Posts: 11,650
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Faith this is too much about you. Waywards don't care about you. Try a sample Plan B letter from notable posts.
More logic, less emotion
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Yes, I delivered a very matter-of- fact note 7 days later. Just communication details.
Anyways, I thought It was good. But, you are probably right as always. (sigh)
Me: BW, 41
WH: 46
Married 7 years, together 12
DD: 5
OW: 39
D-Day: 11 April
Plan B since 10/3/12
Divorced 11/12
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Posts: 11,650
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Just check out the letters in notable posts!!!!!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I did that! My letter was inspired by them. Only more poetic garbage. Now it's done and over with the second brief note 10 days ago, thank you.
Me: BW, 41
WH: 46
Married 7 years, together 12
DD: 5
OW: 39
D-Day: 11 April
Plan B since 10/3/12
Divorced 11/12
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Posts: 167
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Just a question reffering to the original title of my thread. Long term affairs are more resistant right?
I noticed that only those that included a "live together" factor had chances of faster break up. If they are just "lovers" they can go on forever, not beeing immersed to reality. Am I right?
Me: BW, 41
WH: 46
Married 7 years, together 12
DD: 5
OW: 39
D-Day: 11 April
Plan B since 10/3/12
Divorced 11/12
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Posts: 11,650
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It's not necessarily living together that will break them up.
The main thing is that the BS should stop meeting needs. The BS meets parental needs, PA needs, affection needs, the OW might only be providing one or two very small needs.
While he has both women, all he notices is that she provides 'more' or 'extra'. But when he loses the support of BW, and the majority of needs he enjoys, he will expect OW to fill her shoes and she wont be able to.
But the MOST important thing is to protect you from the drama and to stop you from thinking about all of this. His poor choice is his problem now.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I don't know if I can post it here. I just read '31 reason to stop an affair'. It is short and VERY good written . Has anyone had experience of giving it to their WS or quoting it that is of any worth ? I am sure they are struggling with questions that are answered in this assay. Isn't it good to have it or will it go un-noticed? What do you think?
Me: BW, 41
WH: 46
Married 7 years, together 12
DD: 5
OW: 39
D-Day: 11 April
Plan B since 10/3/12
Divorced 11/12
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A checklist will not change his mind.
There are also brochures on why not to drink alcohol, the bad effects of drugs, etc.
Addicts only care about one thing: Their addiction.
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Faith,
You are still trying to educate your WS out of their affair. It isn't going to happen.
Please really pay attention to the pre-written materials here. They also protect you from "yourself" in that it helps you avoid making mistakes such as trying to educate the wayward or writing letters that do not communicate in a succinct manner.
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I don't know if I can post it here. I just read '31 reason to stop an affair'. It is short and VERY good written . Has anyone had experience of giving it to their WS or quoting it that is of any worth ? I am sure they are struggling with questions that are answered in this assay. Isn't it good to have it or will it go un-noticed? What do you think? He won't care. He might care about the logic when his life is falling apart, but only maybe.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Yep. You can't educate a wayward spouse.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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It is really a pity that I didn't post here those first months. All we BS keep doing the same mistakes.
Me: BW, 41
WH: 46
Married 7 years, together 12
DD: 5
OW: 39
D-Day: 11 April
Plan B since 10/3/12
Divorced 11/12
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Posts: 167
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And you people are doing an incredibly noble thing. Thank you.
I am so sorry for my weakness.
Me: BW, 41
WH: 46
Married 7 years, together 12
DD: 5
OW: 39
D-Day: 11 April
Plan B since 10/3/12
Divorced 11/12
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Posts: 11,650
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It is really a pity that I didn't post here those first months. All we BS keep doing the same mistakes. Yup. ALL of us. I'd give my right eye to have gotten here when I first got suspicious. Two years of winging it!! Actually, I could have done with the site when I got engaged. And you people are doing an incredibly noble thing. Thank you.
I am so sorry for my weakness. You're in Boot Camp now. We'll beat all weakness out of you with our 2x4s and get you a cape of power for your victory!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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My WH has taken our DD for the second time at the house of her best friend. That little girl has a mother whose husband is away in another country. She is a friend of mine. My WH knows that she knows he left us for OW. And yet he is not ashamed to go there and stay for two hours as the children play. Maybe he thinks I didn't tell much, or maybe he is trying to look good to her.
I didn't ask her for details of their conversation but I find this odd. Should I do anything about this? Should I openly ask her? I know that she is not a person that will try to do anything for us, we are not that close. It is an awkward situation and I don't get how he is not ashamed to go there.
Me: BW, 41
WH: 46
Married 7 years, together 12
DD: 5
OW: 39
D-Day: 11 April
Plan B since 10/3/12
Divorced 11/12
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Posts: 11,650
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You should ask all relevant people to support you. If they do, great.
If they don't, you've learned something about them.
I cut out everyone who was not supportive. Feels much better to only have friends who have standards!
She has very poor boundaries by the sounds of things. Inviting a known cheater to her home while her husband is away? Is he ok with that?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Posts: 167
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Or maybe I should inform her husband ?
Me: BW, 41
WH: 46
Married 7 years, together 12
DD: 5
OW: 39
D-Day: 11 April
Plan B since 10/3/12
Divorced 11/12
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Or maybe I should inform her husband ? Yes
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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