You can't start recovery until she writes the No Contact letter.
And after divorce she probably will knock on his door and move in with him.

The problem is that you can't make lb deposits while she is in an affair or in withdrawal

I'm OK on the love bank. I still have umm..."thoughts" about her and want to be with her, so the love is still there. I guess her account with me was overflowing.

I would assume the sessions you speak of would be full sessions; i.e. The $225/ type? That might be a bit steep for us right now. I can do it, but it would probably be a big LB with her, so I would be concerned with that aspect. I guess I'll contact and see (unless you have other info).

Thanks again.

Falcon,
Why do you not listen to the vets here?
Really, you are going to believe OM just because he defriended your wife on FB and you havent found anything else. A very dangerous assumption and tactic.
It simply does not work that way.
You must expose to all on FB, her side and his, read up on it and do it.
As stated above, all triggers must be elimiated.
A NC letter is a requirement.

I wish I had the opportunity to spend $225 to save my marriage.

I'm not worried about spending $225. If it's 2 sessions, that's double. My main concern is whether or not spending this money will just make her go ballistic and end up doing more damage. I guess I worry about her just saying "no" and being out the money with a more pissed off wife. I can deal with her being mad...I just don't want to sabotage any other efforts.

I've been willing to spend money on MC from the start, but she's been very adamant about not wanting to do MC. If anyone has had a similar experience and managed to get the WW to do the MC anyways...I guess some reassurances would help me in that regard.

I may go ahead and do this anyways.

Let me reiterates that I am personally willing to spend a grand if needed, but I don't want the money spent to become another wedge that makes things worse...this is what I am trying to say...Not being a tight wad, so don't misunderstand me.

Thanks.

Your situation the way I understand it:
(so far)

Your wife does not love you right now and would leave you in a heartbeat if OM said he wanted her for himself.

Your wife assumes (correctly ?) that you are willing to wait an eternity (or close to it) before you take legal actions to end an unhappy marriage.

Your wife's miserable treatment of you is grossly disrespectful as she feels entitled to treat you with disrespect.


Worse than what?

The Harley approach can be "sold" to your wife by others, not by you. Often they can get the reluctant WW to talk to them by telling her they can help YOU <~~~ the BH adjust to the new reality.

Interesting. Thanks again Pep. I've been looking into this and will look at scheduling soon if I don't get her to shift gears shortly.

She has admitted that she still loves me, but not to the level required; i.e. My account with her may be low, but not overdrawn. Not sure if that is the case or not. She has tended to be rather nice lately until this little issue. I need to get a better feel of where her thinking is at right now.

I know she feels guilt, as she was getting the teary eyes going when we had our conversation last week. She had previously rejected my attempts at reconciliation outright, but the last time she didn't and listened intently. I had actually expected a "no" from her (well...actually I expected a "hell no"), but didn't get that. Her mood shifted noticeably the next day. With all the fog I really can't tell where I stand. She really hasn't made a bunch of demands. She still wants divorce and thinks he's waiting for her, so in that respect you are correct. So giving S. Harley a try seems very likely unless I make a breakthrough (which I doubt).

Keep me on the straight and narrow folks. Just not so much with the 2x4's.

BTW, I am not willing to wait an eternity. I told her as much last time and let her know my love was fading. I was looking at the end of October, but if she is not fully withdrawing, which appears to be coming and going (probably FB more than anything), then I may stretch the plan A time frame out a some more. It will depend on how things go. Once I go plan B I will have to see. I'm not prepared to stay in this thing too long, but if I believe it can be turned around, I want to give it the time it needs.

I will reiterate that I'm not going to wait forever.

Good. Thanks for keeping me straight.

Just commenting here on my observations tonight, so hold the 2x4's!

Tonight she expressed some hesitation on the assumption of liability. She thought it would only be $11 more, but I told her she has a smartphone and our current plan is a grandfathered plan with a discount. She apparently wanted it because she didn't want me to see what she was texting (she thought this was how I saw her texts) and I told her I could only see numbers and that I wasn't really interested in constantly monitoring her. She had her second thoughts facial expressions going, so I think this goes back to her concern about monitoring her. Could be a red flag, but digging further continues to show she isn't communicating with him, nor vice versa.

What really stood out today, though, was her attitude towards me. Don't know if the de-friending did something, or if it was my body language last night and how that impacted me, but, for the first time in a very long time (I'm talking at least a year) she was 100% nice and had no animosity toward me at all. Even the one Sunday back a couple weeks, she had brief moments where she would snap at me. That day was really good, but this was totally different. Even on her call with her parents she seemed normal, unlike last week. It's hard to actually tell people what the difference is like. We sat really close in an office waiting for a meeting and laughed at some stuff. We looked into each other's eyes at times in "that" way while talking to each other and to an individual we were meeting with. We talked a lot at home as well constantly looking at each other. The laughs and the way she responded to me was like old times...easy and natural. I wasn't expecting this at all after yesterday.

I am really trying not to make anything of this, as the last time seemed to indicate a false recovery. I don't know if this will continue or not and what precipitated this. This was literally a night and day difference from even the one Sunday. If she had been acting like this before I wouldn't even comment. I guess it's hard for me to wrap my head around the way she is thinking right now and wonder if she is starting to re-think things, or is just cuckoo for coca puffs. Even when she asked me how I got the information I got, and I told her I wasn't sure I wanted to let her know right now, she acted like she understood and didn't press. No snapping or anger at all. I'll see how she is tomorrow and pry a little. I amazed more BS' don't go insane with all of this nuttiness that goes on.

Your story is similar to mine. I'm like the back to the future guy.
In my case my ww wanted her own cell phone too, after I tried to install spyware on her blackberry unsuccessfully.

You are in an active affair. It may be put on hold but it is NOT dead

I know in her mind it was out on hold. She mentioned a couple weeks back to her enabler that she was going to wait until she was divorced and show up at his door. But it appears dead on his end. So I don't think active is the right word, I continue to look and see no signs of communication from him. I think the "active" part is all one sided. But she really changed yesterday. Was similar this morning. None of the dripping animosity that tinged her interactions with me. Know what I mean? I could literally feel the tension was gone, which is something I had not felt in a very long time. Maybe something happened and it clicked. Or maybe she finally just got over her anger with me. I don't know. Now we are planning to go see our son do some activities and she plans to go as well. It would be the first time, other than yesterday's meeting, that we would be going anywhere together since exposure.

I have been giving her a ton of quality time and it appears that it is at least having some affect on her. I'm going to try and really press the affection side as well and see if maybe her feelings for me start coming back or not. Obviously, the whole issue with the OM is the wildcard. I really don't know if she is still hellbent or if something happened and her rational side finally gave up on that dream. I seriously doubt it, but I have a hard time wrapping my head around her sudden and dramatic turn around - two nights ago when I mentioned it would cost $30 more, she snapped back that we were saving more than that on the re-fi coming from someone who has been adamant about saving money - then yesterday being all "well, I thought it would only cost $11 more," almost apologetic and doubting whether she wanted to do it or not. The only thing I personally know changes was that the OM de-friended her. Could that have been the straw to break the camels back, so to speak? Seems a little lite to be able to do that.

I'll keep digging, pouring on the plan A, work on getting her to agree to the renewal plan, and continue to see how she behaves. After the way she treated me yesterday, I wonder if my love bank account with her might have still be in the positive (clearly not at the romantic love level, though). IDK. Just my musings on what's going on, so please no smacking me upside the head.

Let me reiterate that communications between her and her enabler also continue to indicate no contact. I understand the skepticism, and I am a little paranoid about it myself, but there is literally nothing indicating anything is going on. She even noted that, when she wasn't getting any response back, that she would just stop trying because it already got her in trouble and that she was hoping that he would wait for her.

I also have mentioned in the past that she hasn't said she is remorseful, but she has teared up every time we've gone into one of our conversations, even when she was mad at me. So she may be acting and saying she doesn't regret doing this too me, but I'm thinking that she actually does. Her pride is so strong, making her so stubborn, that I never plan to hear an apology from her, even if we fully recover. Just FYI, since I know I never really mentioned this.

Deep down she will know that what she did was wrong.
Every human being has a conscience.
That is because Adam and Eve both ate from the Tree of the knowledge of good and evil. We all have that knowledge. It may be a little voice we can try to drown out with booze or drugs or other vices but it is there.
Her enabler is being used by Satan to destroy your wife and family.

This truly is a spiritual battle for your marriage. I hope you are praying hourly.

Regarding the Facbook that can be created with a different email. Also your wife can call this guy from a pay phone or affair phone. The NC Letter needs to be pushed for. It will also help nail the coffin shut for your wife

I am praying at least twice a day, often more. Early on, when I couldn't figure out what was happening I would pray for guidance and sure enough, that next day I would find a new revelation. For about a week and a half I've been using a personal version of the hedges prayer to ask God to block all paths away for me. I've also prayed for her to see what she should do in her dreams...for God to guide her back in any way he could. So far the OM seems intent on not communicating with her. I know it's possible for her to use a tracphone and other methods, but, as I said, it appeared he was backing off anyways before she told me anything. I believe he's moved on. Perhaps she is now realising that after the de-friending.

In any case, I will continue to pray as often as I can that she see the right path for her is back to me. I will push for the NC letter as well as trying to fill her EN's as best I can. And I will continue to be vigilant.

Thanks.

There are hundreds of examples of WW being nice again once they get their fix of the OM in some form.
You are reading way too much into things. So far you have nothing, you wife is wayward.
You focus on this FB de-friend and the phone conversation as major milestones, they are not.

The mantra that will be repeated to you is: waywards must display action not words.

I understand what you are saying but 1) she was getting her fix before exposure and wasn't this nice too me - at all (hasn't been in over a year), 2) I'm not reading too much into this, just wondering if there are any indications of a change in her thought process, 3) I don't consider the FB de-friending and phone AOL thing to be major milestones, just things I have observed. Sometimes posters here read a little too much into my comments. I'm a problem solver, and brainstorming has always been a big tool of mine. I throw things out here fore opinion and just to get a sense of what things may or may not mean.

Sometimes I think if my wife jumped on top of me, rode me like a stallion, professed her love for me, and committed to my renewal plan that some would still tell me she is a wayward. I can understand why, but I'm not posting from that perspective.

Makes me reluctant to want to post what I am seeing for others to comment on. I have no idea if she will continue to act this way tonight, or tomorrow, et al, but I do know how she was yesterday. It wasn't the "nice" she was when she was getting her way and getting her fix of him. This was zero animosity towards me nice. At one point, the way she was looking at me was the way she used to look at me years ago. It's hard to put this into words, but the difference was so stark I felt it was worth posting on here just to get a feel of what happened. No delusions on my part. Not changing a thing and waiting for her to commit to me.

Can you please email Dr Harley and ask for his opinion?
There is no cost for this

One day of spectacularly "nice" behavior and zero animosity means very little (next to nothing) in the long range scheme of things. See if this attitude change is maintained for 2 weeks? One month? Keep in mind the powerful addictive nature of adultery. The brain chemicals do not automatically switch back to normal.

Keep vigilant. You are not even to the point where I might say "Trust but verify.".