Hello there the exposure plan has been a trickle as and when I have spoken to friends but surprisingly my husband has been self exposing to friends particularly in the last 2 days. I am being careful to protect my parents from all this due to ill health and another serious family issue already in progress completely unconnected to mine. One thing at a time in their case is enough.
Meanwhile having sat up with my husband on another sleepless night far more information has flowed about our marriage, feelings, the affair, depression etc and although it changes nothing it is a plus that we are communicating. As far as the other woman's husband goes I haven't got a clue how to contact him and am not interested in doing so due to a 3 year time gap and living on the other side of the world from him and his wife .
I have had some very very bleak days recently and am grateful to read all the posts and his needs her needs to understand how and why an affair starts.
This is a bit random but apparently my husband broke own at work yesterday after a very unpleasant night here at home where we once again had very little sleep and we both cried. Anyway his boss took him out for a coffee and my husband confessed all only to have his boss confess to him he is a survivor of having an affair and working through it with his wife. It appears their chat helped my husband understand more of the pain he has caused and if nothing else accept that for me to leave and return home with my children would be completely understandable although not what he wants.
It's 5am now and I've been up since 1am and have the girls up n an hour so time for coffee.

Thank you all for being there for me .

Hi 1366. I'm sorry to hear about the events in your marriage. Your writing sounds British - are you? I am in London.

You whole lifestyle in UAE sounds problematic. How long are you there for? Do you ever go back to your country of origin?

On the plus side, though, as I understand it, most expats make good money there. If I were you I would book an appointment for telephone coaching with the Harleys. Somebody provided the link in a post above. It would be perfectly possible for you to agree a mutual time for posting - especially since one of the coaches, Dr Jennifer Chalmers, lives in New Zealand and can deal with different time zones. The coaches are Dr Chalmers - Dr Harley's daughter - and his son Steve. The cost of the coaching is about $200 an hour, but they will give you a practical plan and steps to find out more about the affair and put an end to any inappropriate behaviour that continues, and make your lifestyles more compatible. Your H's shift work, for example, is a great problem as it means that the two of you as essentially living separate lives. A successful marriage is one in which the two spouses are integrated and interconnected.

You need to know about your H's affairs and who they were with. You don't even know if those women are still around him, posing a threat to your marriage even now. I don't see any way around a polygraph, if he doesn't see that it is his duty to tell you the facts about the life you have been living with him. I would not let the cost of a polygraph be a reason for not doing one. If you were likely to come back to the UK or USA (or somewhere where the tests are easier to arrange) soon, you could arrange one for your next visit home.

Until you know the details of your H's secret second life, you cannot know that he is able to take Dr Harley's first recommended step, which is to end all contact with his affair partners. The other steps towards rebuilding your marriage (or building a good one for the first time ever) include transparency so that he can no longer have a secret second life (SSL) and meeting each other's emotional needs but especially the four intimate needs of sexual fulfilment, affection, conversation and recreational companionship.

But it starts with honesty from him. What can you do about that?

Hello yes UAE can be problematic as there is no safety net. We have been here 18 months and I go home upto twice a year.
Yes the telephone apt is an excellent option and thank goodness my husband is no longer working shift work which has been a huge problem for the last 10 years so that's a plus.
Thank you for all your thoughts and pointers all make sense and I have taken steps to cover all areas which has moved us into a transparent and more positive honest approach to our marriage.
Hope on the horizon , much work needed to be done yet though.

Dear all,

I have been stupidly carrying on as if all would be ok in my situation and how wrong I have been.
Tonight I have found out my husband has been unfaithful on me yet another time approx a year a go.
He also continues to go out with work colleagues etc and drink on. Weekly basis to approx 3 am . Meantime declaring his love for me and need to have. Happy marriage ge etc etc.
Pleased fom the dark hole Im in what I do.? Please talk me though the exposure plan o family nd friends nd guide me forward. I am a wreck.......

Okay.
First, I want to let you know that I pray for you, your husband and your
Marriage.

The first and most important step in killing affairs is exposing them. Both families should be informed of his infidelity. The employer should also be informed because they are creating conditions that allow this to occur.
If you know the identity of the affair partners expose to their families also

If you are members of a church the church officials should also be notified.

It is important to expose all at once, in a "nuclear exposure"

Please visit the Notable posts forum and click on Exposure Letters for sample exposure letters.

Have you exposed? Who are these OW? Are they married?

Please read this and let us know what your plan is.
Exposure 101

Firstly I apologies for the awful spelling previously, it was late and I am a wreck.
I have spent the night exposing via private message and email to both my friends and H friends and family and by phone to my family. Thank you for the thread , it was invaluable.
The other woman is a someone he met on a trip back to his home overseas with friends to watch a rugby tournament. The first was someone he met in a bar one night. I don't know either women or they families etc. Both leave in different countries to us and having spent all night checking his laptop and phones I cannot find any evidence of continued contact. One affair was 9 months ago the other 3 years ago.
He has expressed for some time now he wants a fresh start at our marriage and loves me and wants me way before I discovered and he admitted to these affairs/ fling.
Please keep posting to me I just have hit rock bottom.

Sorry, yes the first was married and the 2nd had a boyfriend apparently.

Please see my other reply but I have exposed to all family and friends and his boss who he has already confessed the first affair to.

The woman back home is probably a big threat to your marriage.
If he saw her during a rugby tournament he probably knows her.
Has he disclosed her complete identity to you?

There are probably other one night stands you are not aware of

Dear MB,

I'm back again it's been over a month since I posted and I thought I had been doing ok working on surviving my husbands affair but I haven't really being doing well at all.
Our grand plan to start afresh in the new year turned into a disaster and its time to ask advice again and offload all my thoughts.
Last night , New Year's Eve we had friends over for a BBQ which I wasn't sure if I was upto as I had a low day as I call them full of sadness and loneliness.
Anyway too much alcohol ended in my husband ignoring me and me abusing him for ignoring me. Ironically our version of events are quite different but nevertheless it was a mess.
I am so up and down emotionally feeling angry at him and some days I feel ok, he tells me he loves me and wants us to be happy and if he wanted to leave me he would have done so long ago. I fear he is only staying as he doesn't want to lose our girls but his actions most of the time show he is really trying to please me. However I don't get the texts during the day to check on me and he seems to never find time for us to talk and make plans for the future and share what our needs really are.
I am so close to chucking the towel in but my intuition tells me it's not what I really want and it's not the best decision for any of us as a family.
I know this sounds silly but where do I start , what do I do to work through surviving an affair the best way. I have the book Im slowly reading, he isn't but keeps promising he will. We haven't seen a counsellor, should we? I am not happy personally with my appearance, job etc but can't find the right frame of mind to get off my butt and make a change. I feel like everyone who knows me is seeing me as a moaning , cry baby or mad for staying with my husband.
I'm just a confused, frustrated, depressed, lost 46 year old who can't find a way out. Please, please help me..... I'm hoping to post daily as I need to feel I have a friend, sadly I have no established friends or family around me due to only being here 3 months and not being able focus on making friends in fact I've been avoiding it as I don't want to be pretending Im a normal happy housewife.

The woman he saw after the rugby tournament I am positive he did not know before, I have traced her back to Italy and having viewed conversations he met her whilst she was on a vacation.

Yes naturally I fear over a 9 year roller coaster marriage there are probably numerous one night stands or affairs. I can't prove it and Im sure he wouldn't admit it. A polygraph would reveal but do I need to know this now?

Please can someone confirm my messages are getting out to the forum for all to view?

Yes, they are in the forum.

Many posters are spending the day away from the computer (as I will soon).

Keep reading Surviving An Affair and reading the articles on this sight.
Do not expect your husband to read it right now.
Do not see a counselor at this point.
Do not let your intuition guide you but follow the plans in the book and here.
Logic will therefore guide you to a better place than your emotions (intuition).

Do your best to follow the plans which includes being inspired to get happy with yourself (exercise, eat well, yet be gentle towards yourself while doing so).

1366,

Can you fill us in on what things you have already done? Please re-read all the previous advice and then tell us what things have been done. It seems as if you exposed your husband's behavior to some people. What was the result of that?

What snooping methods do you have in place to ensure that your husband is not currently in an affair or having one night stands?

I am sorry you are feeling so badly. You will feel better if you take control of the situation.

AM

Glad Im getting thru ok and A happy New Year to you all.

I will keep reading and being back on MB is lifting my spirits somewhat too.

I hear your advise and thank you

Yes I have exposed my husband to his sisters, my sister, my friends and his friends.
He is telling new friends around him one by one which I don't actually understand at all and it surprises me, can anyone give me any insight to this please...is it guilt, searching for help, fear they'll find out anyway??

I am reading Surviving an Affair and I have all the other books too but my H keeps promising to read but doesn't. He will let me read to him though when he is in the mood to listen,

I have full access to his laptop, iPhone, blackberry etc so I do periodically snoop, I haven't found anything accept to I found a message to a good friend of his saying " sometimes you have to sacrifice happiness for the sake of the children" in response to explaining he was working on our marriage. I read that he is not that willing to stay married but its opposite to what he says to me.q
My husband has not been going out and goes to work as per usual, I know I can't guarantee there haven't been any quick shags but it seems unlikely. We live in the UAE so he is on the back foot to have an affair or one night stand but that's no guarantee I know.

I won't to take full control but just need that nudge in the right direction, Im almost reading but still not sure what to do.

I haven't told my 6 and 8 year old daughters or my ailing mother. Please advise on this too?

Should I tell new friends or work assosiates too, we are new to the country and Im not sure if I should spread the news or its a need to know thing. .?