I wish you luck. I don't know if you read my whole thread but the OM got divorced last year (apparently his wife cheated on him). I did expose, but I wasn't able to do FB exposure on him at the time. The only reason I don't want to do it now, and some others here apparently don't hear me on this, is that my wife is clearly going through withdrawal now. If he gets pi**ed and contacts her, she's back at day one again. This is a calculated risk, I know. The reality is, I could expose him the rest of the way, he could throw her under the bus, and she could do the NC, and yet, all it would take is for them to break it later and we are back at square one again.

If I thought the guy wanted to keep contacting her and trying to get her, I would have gone ahead, but he had been backing away and bailed without so much as a whimper. My wife HATES that. It's been eating her up that he bailed so easily. I'm convinced the guy had someone else on the side and didn't want to go through with this, especially since they didn't go PA. Considering they live 1000+ miles apart, and this was their one chance to seal the deal for a long time, the fact they didn't (we are talking about a guy and we all know SF is the biggie for guys to connect) basically says it all. He had his chance and decided not to go there, knowing full well he likely wouldn't have another shot for at least 6 months. If a guy has it in for a woman, and has a chance to get some now or wait 6 months to see if it is still available, if he really wants it, he's going to take it then and there. He didn't.

This is the reasoning for why I haven't gone further. I see no need to push my luck at the moment and risk OM contact when he has refused to contact her to this point, and she has stopped trying.

Hard to keep track of all the stories I read. I get your point. You don't want to give up the progress u made. But I don't think u are weighing the benefits of nuclear exposure compared to 1 mth recovery. These people seem to know what they are talking about. Generally what they say makes sense to me. At the very least you should insist on the no contact letter. You have a chance here. My marriage is over unfortunately. I don't have any qualification to give you any advice. I only stepped in to encourage you to take the advice u get. Further exposure will stir the pot a bit but the payoff may be good and it definitely won't make things worse than they already are. Either way you have a long road ahead for recovery

@falconrap: I totally get where you are at. Right now, you're trying to win her back; she's not yet ready to enforce extraordinary precautions, because she's still totally in the wayward mindset and not yet ready to begin recovery.

Dr. Harley recently re-wrote "His Needs, Her Needs" to include a section on exposure after an affair. At the time he wrote Surviving An Affair with his daughter, exposure was a more controversial technique. After years of study, he's come to the conclusion that widespread exposure of an affair typically marks the beginning of recovery.

I did exposure, and then two weeks later I finally got in touch with OMW and exposed to her (a second round of exposure). Predictably, OM called my wife and launched into a screaming tirade which she passed on to me, asking me to "prove" my claims. It's just noise, but it was necessary noise. His extreme angry outburst toward my wife was basically a paved runway of Contrast Effect for me to land the Jumbo Jet of Love. Calm, collected, and professing my love and desire to be married with her, I fought for my marriage.

And changed my name on this board around the same time

That's what some are suggesting here. It's extremely unlikely to force her into the arms of her affair partner, even though that's the risk we all run. You did a limited exposure, and it seemed to do the trick. Were I you, I would make sure I have all the resources I need to do a nuclear exposure if you find any signs of contact between your wife & OM, or if she begins developing a new relationship. My wife has my assurance that, should infidelity ever recur, I would immediately perform nuclear exposure to all family, friends, co-workers, and her church, then file for divorce immediately. I couldn't take the heartbreak again.

The primary purpose of exposure is to drive a wedge into the affair. It's one of the few tools a betrayed spouse has at their disposal which has the capacity to do so. Typically, Dr. Harley's recommendations follow this idea: if the affair is LONG over, exposure is useful as a tool for the betrayed spouse to obtain support from a limited group of family & friends, but the primary point of exposure -- to blow up the affair -- is largely moot. By "LONG", I'm talking years. Not days, weeks, or even a few months.

There's a giant exception, though. Any children of your marriage older than three should know about the affair, no matter how long ago it was.

I'm not going to agree with the others that a lack of larger-scale exposure spells certain doom for your marriage, but it's important to make sure the affair is known to those who can support you, at the very least. This includes your wife's parents, your children, your parents, close friends, the other man's wife or girlfriend (if any), and the other man's parents. Those circles of influence are extremely important to your recovery. And if those people don't know, they should; it's vital to their understanding of what's going on around them.

Thank you DNM. What you sad is exactly where I am. If I sniff any contact, I go nuclear on his a**. She's already been exposed to those who care the most. I believe in exposure, as it is a tool described in the bible. So I am not afraid to use it. I just don't see the point in doing it now if the guy is out of the picture and she appears to be going through withdrawal. I appreciate you comments and support. My only point in bringing up SAA to the others was that it showed that you can recover even without exposure, in fact, it can be done after the WS has left to be with the OP, assuming it blows up as it likely will, and you did Plan A. That's why I got so defensive about everything.

Paranoia is running pretty deep in me about this thing, so I will continue to look for any signs and act accordingly.

Interesting enough, she has left her FB logged in two days in a row now. She's really doing some odd things (not affair odd, just letting things go, as in she's not thinking straight right now).

Roller coaster fun: Nice wife was back today. Can I start a pool on tomorrow's version? I'm hoping nice wife sticks around, but not counting on it.

What knowledge are you privy too?
This is an anonymous forum.
He defriended her after you asked him to. That means NOTHING.
Dr Harley supports exposure. He encourages it.

HDW, I know you re meaning well. I did expose. I just didn't expose him to his FB friends. He backed off because he was already backing off, which is my entire point. I got to read and watch the whole dynamic of him constantly pulling away from her. He was pissing her off by doing so, but she always managed to find a way to get him to finally respond. It's pretty obvious too me that he had someone else he was going after without all the strings.

This forum may be anonymous, but if the wife sees this thread and figures out it's me, I don't want everything I know exposed here yet.

The whole point I made with SAA is that exposure isn't necessary (again...I did expose) as some here feel like nothing can workout I you don't expose. That's false. What is required for marriage to recover is for the WS' affair to end. It can end naturally or through exposure. Once that is done, healing can begin. Healing starts when the WS begins going through withdrawal, which is what my wife appears to be goin through now. At this point, the OM hasn't been communicating with her, and I don't want t risk a restart since I believe he's done with her (goes back to the info I know).

Just ran across an FB conversation my WS had with the enabling cousin back in January. I hand't seen this one before, but it tells me where I stand. Basically, my wife said our life was good, that I only occasionally got on her nerves, but that she was fine with our life. It was the introduction of of the OM into her life, via an FB post from him on his wall remembering the time that made out and got caught that started all of this. He fished and scored, but then backed off. This validates what I was starting to believe, that she didn't lose her love for me. She mentioned the spark was gone, so somewhere along the line we failed to keep the romantic love at a level necessary to keep things strong. Gives me hope that I'm not starting at ground zero as I feared I might be. It also helps me understand how she was able to be like she was with me on Monday and yesterday.

I've been working the conversation angle, and getting some results. Today I'm going to turn it up a notch on the affection side (I've been instigating light touching with regularity and not getting push back). I am thinking about texting her today and letting her know how much I miss her and how I feel about her. Any insights, especially from the ladies, is appreciated. Otherwise, full steam ahead.

How much fog babble is she still spewing directly to you?

She really hasn't been spewing fog babble recently. It almost seems as though her head is clearing, but it's hard to tell. I just started amping up my affection for her by sending her a text and a YouTube video link to the song that we chose to dance to at our wedding. Since she seems to want her man to tell her how he feels and not hide the emotions, I told her how I was tired of not letting her know how I felt, that I missed her terribly, was thinking of her everyday, how it hurts me to think of our dreams not having a chance to come through, and how hurt I am thinking that I may not be able to live my life with her.

I plan to start slowly leaving messages and sending her an occasional text. If she responds favorably, I'll ramp it up further. I think she is at least open to the possibility of me winning her back, even though I expect I could get a rejection response - which I will ignore if I do. I'm not going to just give up and not fight tooth and nail to keep her. She's already rejected me, so trying to win her back can't do anymore harm. If she is coming out of the fog, which she seems to have done on Monday, and some yesterday, then this is the time, I believe, to start putting my cards on the table.

In her communications with her enabler, is there still "follow your heart" "soulmate" "it was meant to be" crap?



OK. No need to repeat this. Just go ahead and express your feelings towards her. You do not need to justify why you want to express your love. Just express.



OK. No need to repeat this one either. Try to keep things positive and hopeful and optimistic. Not every message needs to be overtly romantic.

Not saying you did damage. Just giving you tips to continue.

Are you funny? Can you be funny? Try getting your silly on and making time together fun and filled with laughter.

I think it's time to start singing and dancing around the house. Unexpected and unnecessarily joyful is good.

I think it's time to plan a family indoor picnic dinner.

I think it's time to invent/play car-ride games with the kids.

I think it's time to have a funny face contest after a family meal.

I think it's time to make Halloween cookies and decorations.

I think it's time to set up a treasure hunt inside the house for after school.

Get my drift .......?

She's really not communicating much these days. Even on her FB account she's stopped posting the inspirational quotes and only focuses on re-linking stories unreleased to relationships. I thinking may be at a crossroads right now.

As to my text, I wanted to start off with that, but plan to just do small things going forward. Any ideas or boundaries on texts would be great. She does, however, love these kinds of texts and having songs sent to her (it's what the OM did from the get go).

Funny? Oh...I'm quite the clown at times. I still get her to laugh and can certainly continue to do that. I like the other ideas you mention as well. I want to make sure I focus on what is special about her in my messages (text and physical), to make her feel special and get that draw that I got from her when I did that when we first dated. It's what the OM did as well.

Thoughts Pep?

Plan A is less about deliberately educating the wayward mind (if that's at all possible) and more about showing/demonstrating for the wayward what an awesome family/spouse he/she risks losing if he/she fails to recover the marriage.

Be on your A-game at all times.
Avoid love busters if at all possible.
If she is receptive towards romantic overtures, cautiously continue.
If she is cold or indifferent about romance, use other emotional needs to make love deposits.

Thanks.

I will continue to do what's been working and see how she responds to the text and music video I sent. She hasn't responded yet, which I expected. If she didn't want to hear this from me, she would have sent back something quickly telling me such (sent this stuff an hour and half ago). If she responds, I'll let you know, and how she does.

If she is receptive to the texts, I'm thinking, over the course of the next several days, of sending one here and there stating what I love about her, like "I love your beautiful smile, it lights up the room" kind of stuff. If she responds positively to what I sent, does that seem about right? Or too much?

I'll work on doing things like you mentioned above as well.

Call her parents. Tell them how much you love your W. Talk about her in *glowing terms* to anyone who is likely to repeat it back to your W. That is a ~sneaky-sideways~ way to make love bank deposits.

I get what you are saying. I can't use her the parents right now, though, because she was mad at them for getting into her personal business (she refuses to go up and see them for Thanksgiving, as we had planned earlier in the year). But that does give me some ideas.

I want to start to pour it on, but not too quickly as I don't want to overwhelm her and drive her away. Over the last month I slowly started ramping up the conversation and the occasional light touch (like gently putting my hand on her back when asking her to move or get by her). So far I think it's having the intended effect. Not sure yet if I can turn her around without plan B, but I am encouraged so far.

I'm not sure either (obviously). I do know that Plan B is a hella' lot more effective if the faithful spouse does a Plan A that makes the wayward feel empty and missing out if Plan B becomes necessary. So far, so good!

She finally responded and told me she thinks she lost all love for me over the exposure and believes she could never go back to the way things were now. She thinks its because she's mad at me and the whole alpha/beta male thing that I originally looked at being the cause (it's not that - it's the EN's). She thinks it's because she is still mad at me, but did say she doesn't know.

Quite frankly, it is clear she still is upset at the emails I sent out that she knows about. I hope she will eventually get over those, since she did forgive the OM for cheating on her. Seriously...is what I did even remotely comparable? Especially after she had the EA with him? Could this still be the fog? To think she is that mad over me, but yet as able to be really nice to me for a couple of days this week just boggles my mind.