I've been thinking about this for several days now, and I have to tell you that I feel better than I have in years, like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I haven't given enough information for any of you to accurately diagnose my wife's affair, but yet there been several here that have done just that. I especially got laugh from the comment "your wife's had loose boundaries around men for years" or something to that effect.

I'll explain. My wife started her affair shortly before our 2nd anniversary when she was...........18, and I was 37. Yep, I married a 16yr old when I was 35 with the full understanding that she would more than likely want to move on as she matured, and I even told her before the marriage that I would give her an immediate divorce if and when that day came.

My wife's affair was the act of a teenager who had lived an incredibly rotten life (her mother abandoned her when she was 8, her father died of a drug overdose before we were married),and found herself at age 18 under more pressure than most will ever see in a lifetime.

Let's see now, she had been married to a man twice her age for years, was remodeling and furnishing a new house, had been working full time for years, and was involved in our quest and testing for infertility in our marriage, but she decided that she wanted to continue the marriage, and that we have. Years latter, I found that she had contacted him a few time over a 3 year period, though there had been no further contact for quite some time when she confessed this to me. That was over 12 yrs ago, and since then she has been a model person, and seems to improve with each day.

Then a few years ago, she decided to pursue fertility testing and treatment (for me), and at the age of 50, I became the father of a beautiful daughter that I'm certain is mine,and yes, I've seen the DNA test along with every other possible test there is.

So why do I feel a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders? Because after looking at my situation and comparing to many of yours, I've been able to put it all into perspective, and I'm a lucky man.

My wife's affair was the action of a teenager who hadn't fully matured, yet most of your spouses cheated as mature adults who more than likely came from decent backgrounds and who's affair revealed some frightening character traits.

Your spouses didn't cheat because their needs weren't being met, or that they has loose boundaries. The cheated because they found someone that they desired more than you, and their ability to lie, their lack of empathy for you, and most importantly, lack of their conscience from affecting their behavior is what led to the affairs.

So what's your solution? You decide to follow a plan that seems more effective than others to "save" your marriage.

First, you beg your spouse to stay,and then expose the affair to try and remove the object of their affection.

Then you change your behavior to try and meet every possible need that they may have (it's called dancing as fast as you can).

Then you smother them, and watch them like a hawk, putting every aspect of their life under a microscope, checking computer and cellphone histories, reading their emails and face book pages, hide VAR's, and often will have them take a polygraph test (though most credible research has determined they are no more reliable than reading tarot cards, tea leaves, or throwing bones) all the while threatening dire consequence if they ever cheat or leave you. Really? I have never had a relationship like that in my life, and would never want one like that.

Dr. Harley claims that 60% of all marriages will suffer infidelity, and while that figure may seem excessive, realize that most of the marriages surveyed are troubled marriages, but lets except that number for this discussion. That would reflect that while 30% of all spouses cheat, 70% never will.

I'm sure that a significant number of that 70% have same reasons for an affair as the 30% do, needs not met, loose boundaries, desire boredom, but they won't cheat, why? It's because they have too much empathy for those who love them, and that they love. Besides, their conscience would never allow it.

There's a saying "if you truly love something, set it free, and if it comes back it's truly yours". I've done that, and it worked for me.

There are no restrictions on my wife, and she has the freedoms and choices that she has always had, and I wouldn't have it any other way, either someone chooses you above all others, or they don't. When I was 22, my fiance wanted to call off the engagement, and when I tried persuade her to change her mind, she said "would you really want me to stay with you if I didn't want to?". I thought about it for a moment, and then told her to move on. That was one of the luckiest days of my life, as I watched her go through 3 or 4 marriages,not to mention the men she lived with that she wasn't married to.

My wife's affair though painful, was in many ways understandable. My wife has been faithful for nearly 15yrs, and has become a wonderful wife and mother. She has become an educated licensed professional, works full time, volunteers at my daughter's school, is a Scout leader, and each day amazes me at what a truly honest, warm and compassionate human being.

I look at many of your situations, and many of them appear to be tragic if not pathetic, and It makes me feel like the luckiest man in the world.

I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

I don't think MB can help pedophiles

Troll or pervert....hmmmmmm....choices, choices.

If the former....

If the latter.... yet WSs have mental disorders...unless they are a teenager lol...okey dokey...good luck with that.

Burnedout,

So what was it keep you on edge for so many years, was it the insecurity created by having a more attractive wife than yourself?

God Bless
Gamma

It wasn't insecurity over looks, but rather the fact most perpetrators of pedophilia born marriages fear the day (they always know is coming) that their "victims" grow up and realize they are a victim of abuse and abandon their captor.

Actually, his wife's "betrayal" as a teenager played right into his abusive hands. HE got to be her victim and ensnare her further into his clutches. He likely enjoyed having her "cheat" on him so he could make her feel guilty and push her shame buttons at regular intervals telling her no one would put up with her behavior and love her as much as he does.

The pedophile also overcompensates on the independence and freedom side. Pedophiles rarely overtly/openly control their victims because it's to easy to spot a "pedophile" that way. Instead he says she can do what she wants with whomever she wants. As that gives him more opportunity to shame her when she messes up (and they always mess up). Instead a pedophile will secretly monitor his victim and use passive aggressive methods to manipulate their victim saying things like "I stood by you when you had an affair on me so you need to stay with me while I get old and infirm". Pedophiles need the marriage score sheet to always balance out well in their favor, thus, independence and independent activity is ENCOURAGED.

BTW...her "cheating" isn't adultery either as she was too young to consent to marriage to a 35 year old in the first place. This marriage is void (or voidable).

See the cunning manipulation in this paragraph. As a pedophile he knows she'll "move on" once she matures (and realizes she's a victim of his sexual perversion) but cons her with a "Marry me so I can legally take care of (read have sex with) you in this state and I'll give you a divorce anytime you want". Then low and behold within a couple years (after given so much freedom and supposed trust) she predictably cheats on him and he gets to be all sad and indignant about it and shame her into staying with him for 15 more years.

I hope she's reading along here and can extricate herself from this sick relationship but I highly doubt it. My guess is that he studies MB (and psychology in general) in secret for appearances sake. So he can pretend to be the great husband and father saying all the right things at the right time without revealing that he's the one pulling all the strings hoping to keep his victim with him as long as he can. If he keeps her till death...he'll never be confronted for his behavior and never have to answer to anyone (including himself) for his likely psychosis.

I tried to work a timeline on this "relationship" and it's this sentence that has me pegging your "relationship" as having started with this girl when she was 13 or 14 years old and you were 32 or 33 years old.

(19 years ago she cheated and she cheated on or about your second year of marriage and you've "been together" 23 years.)

Kind of ironic that you'd claim it's her supposed boundaries that first attracted you to her (as if) because rational people understand that teenagers don't yet possess the cognitive ability to establish and enforce proper boundaries. That's why there are laws against pedophiles even if the minor seemingly consents because they are considered too young to consent (statutory rape). However I can see that they may have seem adequate to someone that completely lack ANY sense of boundaries themselves.



edit to add: looks like I overshot...based upon further reading it appears from what he's posted that the 23 year relationship takes her back to age 14 or 15.

Ah, the untermenschen theory of infidelity: If you're biologically defective (wired wrong), an untermensch if you will, then you'll cheat. But if you're an ubermensch (wired right), like burnedout here is, then you're in the clear.

Thanks for clearing that up for me, burnedout. It lifts a great weight off my shoulders. Thanks to you, I now realize I couldn't have helped cheating when I had my affair 4 years ago. Wasn't my fault! It was just different brain chemistry, or different genetics or something. Different "wiring." It wasn't bad boundaries, bad choices, selfishness or any of that quaint, old value-laden stuff. I guess I was just wired wrong. Well, whaddya know! Nothing for my wife to take personally, then, right? No need for all the fuss or tears.

But gee, I wonder why the hell it ever took me 41 years to cheat? And I wonder why the hell I ever stopped after 11 weeks? Because after all, I must possess those "certain traits", right?

Thank God for the internet ... Great to have someplace that a fella who had his eye on little girls can go & talk about character as if he invented it, as if his own pile doesn't stink...

35 yo man dating a 16 yo girl.

Worse then this movie:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9S7kg1IhZ7M

Oh. My. God. They married when she was sixteen. There had to be a grooming period prior to that. All pedophiles groom their victims. That means...doing the math...he was working her when she was...fourteen. Maybe fifteen.
I have no use for this poster. I'm done here with this thread. :::dusting hands:::