Another thing he does is I have no real access to any money.
(he puts only partial money in a joint account but JUST enough to cover mortgage and bills)

I get a bit of Child Support from my ex but no way of having enough to call. Money is very very tight for me.

I guess I could write them on the radio show.
What would they say that would be different though?

I know I have to separate from his actions. Plan B is in order.

Surviving till then will be hard.

Thanks for responding Brainhurts. I guess I just wanted someone to know what I was going through more than anything.

Of course I feel for you and I do know what you're going through and please continue to come here and post.

So why do you have to wait for Jan?

So what are you able to do for yourself? Exercise? Do you work?

Elaina, I would suggest to talk to a local women's shelter, I think they can help you effectively protect yourself from his LBs in the meantime while you get your ducks in a row for Plan B. You don't have to stand there and take his treatment. Like for example you don't have to get in a car with him or stay in a room with him while he is having an AO and saying things that hurt you.

It took me a long time to come to understand that. I used to reread the Conversation Is Boring article daily, it helped me identify conversations that were going badly ahead of time, and I'd try to switch the conversation back to something we both liked to talk about, and if that didn't work I'd go take a walk. Even then I would get caught off-guard a lot.

Also, focus on making great memories for you two and the kids, planning fun, light FC and UA time, that spaces the AOs further out too, making the situation more livable for you and the kids. It's hard, I hope you get as much support as you can. Many others have been where you've been, better days are ahead for you and your family.

Well, from my first marriage where I was in danger... I learned a TON about how to avoid AO as much as possible. I won't stand there and take it....it is just stressful on me even when no AO or DJ's are happening.
Since he took me out to that park and went nuts, I won't do that again.

However; his constant AO are mostly at my kids and that means I have to come in and rescue them
Which means he then AO and DJ at me while we try to leave, get away. No matter how hard I try to keep it from happening, it still does.

The one abuse shelter in town is packed with women who are in danger and I don't fit their qualifications for help. I have called them before. Its a terrible middle ground.

I am and will keep trying to make things light and fun as possible but since he hates FC (really, I don't think he likes my kids and is resentful they exist)-I won't push it.

I can't leave until January as I have talked to my soon lawyer, I have a plan in place and money wise, and house wise it can't happen until then. (I want him to leave the house- not us as that would be even harder on all the kids)
To make sure I can have the money to file what I need to, survive until orders come in etc. Won't have it until then.

(Even then the money will be coming from my mom as I don't have extra)
My only other family is a sister who is a missionary in Indonesia and they can't help right now either.

So will you please promise to come in and keep checking in with the board?

What does he say when you ask him to leave?

What other support system do you have?

ETA:Never mind I answered my own question.

Elaina I can imagine those were tough calls to make and I admire the bravery it took to make them. I don't know who else in your community can speak to your H on the kids behalf in the meantime, maybe neighbors, friends, someone from the school or house of worship. Folks do this stuff to kids because they think know one knows. Maybe if there is someone who would take an interest to check in with your family it would make a difference in the meantime.

Thanks NED, I moved here 2 years ago when we married so I still only have a handful of people that I know.
He has a zillon acquaintances and no friends it seems. I can't think of anyone to speak to and the few times I have mentioned someone to talk to -it has caused a HUGE AO as he tells me it is "ungodly" to speak of each other to others.

We have people that comes over but he is always Mr. Perfect when anyone is around.

To answer other questions. I haven't worked since we got married. For relaxing, I read like crazy, take walks, and practice archery. I play a ton with the kids.

E

So I had something weird happen last night the I would like to talk about.
My H came to me and started asking about having another child together... I was a bit taken back. When I told him no way, He was like, but we have such a great relationship and are doing so much better now.

I said I don't know what is going on but we are not ok, very far from it. He went on and on about how if I would just start being Godly and only thought about good things, forgave him and stopped being "stuck" on things in the past we would be great. As he was going on, he did not use an AO but to me I get nervous and it was still full of DJ's.

Anyhow, I started to uncontrollably shake from being so nervous, especially my legs. I just could not stop. It startled him enough that he did at least stop talking and went away. I took me awhile to calm down but was up almost all night with an upset stomach.

1) what on earth is going on? How can I not be communicating that things are bad and he be on such a deluded state that we are great, lets have a kid????
2) I just don't know what to do with my physical state now. Darn this...

Elaina, we have several posters whose marriages have come back or are coming back from similar situations where the H's AOs were what was killing the marriage, so I hope they can weigh in. I think this would have been a good opening for you to share your vision of what you want for your kids - an AO-free home where your kids learn thoughtfulness from both of you. And that your kids don't have that now. That you want to believe in him, but that his actions undo your efforts to try to believe in him. If he's coming at it form the religious viewpoint, you probably know the scripture better than I do, that if someone wrongs you, you let him know so he can fix it. But if he refuses, you take him to some other folks and try to set it straight. Your H is thinking this can all be swept under the rug with no one finding out about it, but that is what makes it fester is no accountability to anyone whose opinion matters to him.

"If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector." Matthew 15:15-18

Then after that is the parable of the Unmerciful Servant. The king forgives the servant a huge sum of money, and then that same servant refuses to forgive a fellow servant a small debt. Your H still hasn't gone to anger management, and expects you to forgive behavior that hasn't stopped yet.

My ex did this, refused to make the changes our marriage needed, instead focused on red herring (let's get a dog, let's move) and then the issue became how inflexible I was instead.

I think this would have been a good opening for you to share your vision of what you want for your kids - an AO-free home where your kids learn thoughtfulness from both of you. And that your kids don't have that now. That you want to believe in him, but that his actions undo your efforts to try to believe in him.


Thanks for the input. I have numerous times told him my vision for what I want the kids to be raised in. He agree's with me but I have not seen actual action change yet.

We tried another talk after Church Sunday where he says he will fill out paperwork in Dr. Harley workbook. We will see.
I go through times of almost having a full panic attack in his presence to being ok trying to keep things light and fun. My emotions are on a roller coaster.

He was in a bad mood tonight. My son was brought to tears. After H was asleep, he came to me begging me to leave him again. My son just cries and cries.....(this is not usual)
I can't sleep.

I have had a full week of sick kids so its kept me busy.

On other news, I found that he made a new post over in the Other topics forum. I am apparently using MB as a weapon.

Your uncontrollable shaking sounds like panic attacks. I encourage you to visit your doctor

Thanks HDW,
I am already on meds. I only started the end of October though. I have been on them before.. they are not magic and if I continue to put myself in situations that honestly "scare" me... they don't guarantee I won't panic out.

I personally feel that a Normal human can start to panic out when faced with disrespect and anger. I think it is a sign my body is trying to tell me. I just have no way to leave now.

I wish I would have found MB before.

Stress does weird things to the body. I have all my life been a warm blooded person, never cold. The last few yrs of marital stress I started to get cold really easy. So bad I finally went online to research what would cause this and read 'stress' and then it all made sense. Weird.

Now, whenever we have conversations about topics that are intense/stressful I get cold and have to get a blanket. Sometimes my teeth even chatter.

There are ways to leave. People leave marriages all the time. Even during wars and famine.
You need to create a "exit plan" if you want to leave and plan, step by step, how you can accomplish that goal.

Elena, how are things going? I see your husband is posting again.

Yes, that is me. I changed the ages and number of our kids to protect our identities from "the internet". .. you know how that goes.

Thanks for the link, I am reading through it now. i don't even know where to begin to go looking for an "anger management class?" There isn't anything in the phone book :-)

Can any counselor do it, or only certain ones?

Has anyone heard anything good or bad about these folks?

http://certifiedcourtclasses.com/Anger_Management_Options.html

I have texted Elaina77 and asked her to check in again. I have not texted the link to the other thread, though: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2759986