Guys,

I know i have my own thread, but i consider that as more my personal journal and journey and wanted to post this as something that has recently come up but i feel is not specific to my situation.

So during a recent councilling session one of the things my wife said was that she likes it when i do something without been asked for example hovering. Now in the past this is something i had always taken for granted and never appreciated her doing etc and now i have started doing things like this more often. The issue is that one of my top EN's is that of admiration. So whilst i have been doing the hovering etc without comment from my wife i have expereicned what she has for so long and i admit i dont like it and want it to change. The issue is that i don't want it to stay like this going forward in our marriage either, i want things to become shared and equal.

I want to feel needed and wanted and would like her to start asking me to do things as well as me just doing things as well. The problem is that she is saying that she doesn't want to have to ask me to do things etc. and likes me just doign them. So how do we resolve this issue, where she doesnt want to ask so that she can feel that i am doing things naturally etc, and i want her to ask so that i can feel wanted and needed. Either one of us has to concede or we end up back where things were in that she would do it and then feels like i am not helping or i am doing and not feeling wanted.

It almost feels like a situation where for her to fufill my EN it would feel like a LB on her side and for me to fufill her EN it would feel like a LB on my side. At the end of the day it still has to be done but how can things like this be best resvoled ideally where each of us could feel EN's fufilled and no LB's

thoughts?

Off the top of my head, you could try saying something like, "Would you like me to hover today?" Would that work for you?

What do you mean by "hovering?" I don't understand your post because I don't understand the use of that word.

ok, I don't understand what it means to hover but I can answer this part. You should first understand that you should not do things that make you unhappy. That is called sacrifice and leads to resentment. If you don't enjoy doing it, you should stop doing it. In this situation, you and your wife should negotiate a solution that makes you both happy. No capitulation, no compromise, but find a solution that makes you both happy.

It's vacuuming, Melody.

how did you know that??

Let me see if I have this right; you need to feel that you are hoovering 'for her' and she sees the activity as general domestic support. Nice but it does not give her 'wanted and needed' feelings towards you. Does not really matter why.

When you POJA this, ask her for some things you can do that will make her feel you are wanted and needed and that she feels comfortable asking for as you love to be asked.

Keep looking for things until you find one that works for you both. Never make assumptions!

We are English

Sorry British term but yes it's vacuuming, regarding it making your happy etc its does make either if us happy or unhappy it's a basic chore n necessary. The point I was trying to talk about n illustrate is where doing something fulfills one persons en but creates LB in ther n vice versa so something has to give as its something that has to be done

Dave, a good way to avoid this issue altogether is to divide up the chores in a way that pleases you both. That way you are not left to read her mind and she is not left unhappy because you didn't help. Take out the guesswork. For example, in my home we have a cleaning lady and all the other day to day stuff is split up according to who doesn't mind doing it. If you don't like vacuuming, how would you feel about doing it on just certain days and she does it on other days? Or she does it all and you do another chore that you like better?

I think Steve Harley helped CWMI and her husband split up chores so she might be able to help you do this.

CWMI is an AMERICAN.

tried that but that would be me asking which she doesn't like and becomes a LB to her also I don't get my EN fulfilled of feeling wanted n needed

But it's not creating a double lovebuster, though. A lovebuster is doing something annoying, it isn't a lovebuster if she doesn't DO something. Needs should be met enthusiastically. For example, if your wife says she "needs" you to stand on your head and you don't like doing it, it is not a lovebuster for you to decline. For you to do that would be sacrifice, which is how incompatibility is created.

I would stop asking and sit down with her and work out a housework schedule. Negotiate the housework with her. The division of housework should be done in a way that pleases you BOTH.

Yes sort of right, knew this was going to be hard to explain lol basically I want to feel wanted n needed (EN fufulled) by been asked to do things etc she feels her EN fulfilled when's she doesn't have to ask me to do things and I just do them. If she asks then it becomes a LB to her if I ask her or just do it it is a LB for me as I don't feel wanted/needed

I think this is a valuable topic applicable to any couple

Melody in part I agree with you but I didn't want this to become specific on housework I was just using it as an example but say we did sit down an agree to she does X and I do Y etc. even then she is getting her EN met of me doing Y without been asked but I lose out as I don't get my EN fulfilled or feeling wanted/needed

I agree it's not a double LB so how about this then

I have a need to feel wanted/needed/useful my wife can fufill this by asking me to do things. She has a need to feel supported and helped by me doing things without been asked to go them. So if she fulfills my needs her own go unfulfilled if fufill hers my own go unfulfilled.

I know this all might sound silly etc but I feel it's a valid topic

That is not the ONLY way to meet your need of admiration. You find a way to meet needs that makes you BOTH happy.

I explained how you avoid asking her, you make out a housework schedule that makes you both happy. There are several other ways to meet your need of admiration. If you like being asked to help out, then find a way that suits you BOTH.

Are you learning the POJA out of the books? Which book do you have?

Ah, I meant Dave and I are English. Post overlap.