Hi all,

Well here's my story. My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years, together 14. We are young (32) and have 3 kids together ages 7 months - 4. The end of July, my husband dropped the ILYBNILY bomb but said he just needed more time to figure things out. Wasn't sure if he wanted a break or not. It was followed by 2.5 months of hell, where he had one foot out the door but didn't want to leave. I admitted was a completely [censored] the year before due to pregnancy and post partum depression. But I bent over backwards and did all I can to make him happy and fall back in love with me. He kept saying he was confused, needed time to think, etc. Three weeks ago I found out he was having an emotional affair with his ex girlfriend from middle school. Apparently they've been in touch for the past SIX YEARS!! but purely platonic friendship but he never disclosed it to me. But in July, when both our marriages were in a bad place, they turned to each other for emotional support (her husband was deployed- so cliche). Anyway, the affair ended the day after I found out because I told my husband I was leaving. I ended up talking to OW who is quite nice (we have mutual high school friends) and was very remorseful etc etc. She has since reconciled with her husband who returned home.

My husband and I are doing all we can to make it work. I've read numerous books, read every article on this website, read old posts, etc. The thing is (we are 3 weeks post affair today), I simply cannot get past the pain. We are in marriage and individual counseling. He is contrite and is willing to work and do all he can to make this marriage work. Both of us can't see a future without one another. But everything that happens, as more facts leak out (things I think of to ask him that I didn't ask before) I just get more and more upset. For example, he travelled to Germany on business when the affair was just starting and he spent all his free time there talking to her instead of talking to me. He basically distanced himself from me without telling me why. Started sleeping on the floor, stayed at work late, worked weekends (to talk to her). And he's still going through withdrawal. I know I can't ask for him to turn off his feelings for OW right away but I feel so insulted that every day I look at him, every time he tells me he loves me, every time he hugs me, he still "has feelings" (won't use the word "love" for her anymore) for another woman. I know we aren't "supposed" to separate but sometimes I really want to not be around him until he is 100% over her. I feel like I can't begin to heal because the affair is still going on in my mind. He still cares deeply for her. Our MC is vehemently against us separating and wants me to give him time. But I feel (and yes I know its only been 3 weeks, but to me my life has been hell since July) the longer it takes him to get over her, the further I am pulling away from him for my own protection. I don't want to not give this rebuilding 100% of my heart and effort, but how can I when he still cares for her? How stupid can I be?!

And to answer the questions: they both ceased contact (agreed that they wouldn't contact each other anymore regardless of their own relationships so as not to jeopardize the other's relationships). We live states apart so it wasn't even an affair that would have logistically worked out anyway (she also has very young kids and neither was willing to move). So OW is no longer a threat (but I did enjoy getting info from her). I exposed the affair to my entire family (who we are closer to), his family and our close friends.

I know this isn't nearly as "bad" as some of the situations going on here, but my hurt still runs deep all the same. I can't help but compare myself and also his actions towards to her all the time. Like when she got upset over something, he wrote her a beautiful love letter (the one that exposed the affair). When I got upset last night, he yelled back at me because he was "getting frustrated." I'm at the point where I feel he love(d) her more than me and there is just no reason for me to put in all this work. He treated her like gold and even NOW after knowing what he's done he doesn't treat me half as well as he did her. Obviously I'm making a lot of assumptions but this is how I feel. And let me add, my husband is a VERY good man. I understand that she was filling some emotional need that I wasn't at the time and both of us are eager and willing to work on building a more successful and happy marriage. But I just don't know how I can get past the pain in order to do so. My love bank is in negative territory after being told for 2.5 months that he didn't love me, didn't want to kiss/hug me/have sex with me unless it was on his terms, wasn't sure if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, etc. And for the past 3 weeks just knowing his heart isn't fully into this rebuilding. I told him I always thought if I was cheated on, he would be begging and professing his love for me, sending me gifts, etc and he said well maybe if the affair had fizzled out on its own accord but he can't do that because he was still grieving her. He does say that every day it's easier to get over her, but both of us know we cannot move forward until he's over her 100% because he doesn't want this to happen ever again. He said she's always had some "power" over him. I just don't know how much more I have to give to this marriage.

toomuchsd, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that bring you here. I promise you things will get better if you follow this program. It takes a while to get over this, so you aren't going to forget it any time soon.

I would strongly urge you to get the book Surviving an Affair and diligently follow the program in the book. I know of NO OTHER marriage program or even marriage counseling that can recover a marriage after an affair. None.

The first thing that has to happen is that once you have the full truth of the affair, you MUST never bring it up again. Bringing it up makes it much for you to recover and for your husband to fall back in love with you. Talking about the affair makes your marriage very unpleasant.

Here is how Dr Harley describes his program:

Also, have you informed the OW's husband of the affair?

Welcome, I know how much pain you must be in.

Does everyone who matters in your lives know about the affair? Does her husband?

Thank you for the prompt replies. Yes her husband knows, he was actually overseas so I told her I'd wait until he came back to tell him. OW ended up telling him (but he already knew from phone records).

And yes I've exposed the affair to our family and friends. Nobody on OW's end knows but I don't think that's my business. Her husband doesn't want anyone to know.

I don't see how I can not bring it up anymore! I keep thinking of new questions. I know it's best for me not to, but how? Especially if I'm living with daily proof of the affair (husband still caring for her.). He says he's in love with me he was just in a fog and can't imagine life without me etc etc. how can I stop comparing?

I strongly advise you to call him personally. OW are notorious liars so her word is worth nothing. I would call their home, disguising your # with *67 and ask for him. Tell him all about the affair and offer to send him any evidence you have.


Did the OW tell you this?


GEt all your questions answered NOW and agree to stop bringing it up. You will recover much faster if you stop it. This will help you work on your marriage so he cares for you MORE. That is the goal here. The OW cannot compete with you if you stick with us.

Bringing it up over and over again makes you unpleasant to be around and makes you miserable. So stop it!

But first, call the OW's husband and have a chat with him. Give him your email address and phone # for any follow up questions.

My husband and I have agreed to give me a week to think up of any possible questions I may have regarding the affair. Then next weekend we will have a marathon session where I ask, probe and dissect with him. Then hopefully I can stop bringing it up. I agree its not putting us in a good place.

I have facebooked with OWH. I was also sent a chat transcript where she told him what had happened. And I actually have chatted with her a few times since then to ask a few questions. I have to stop communicating with her, I know.

I just don't see an end in sight to the pain of knowing my husband loves someone else. Do I even WANT him to pick me? How can I be sure this wont happen again in another 14 years?! I'm still young enough so that I can rebuild my life and find someone else.

How about setting aside 2 hours for this and once that time is over, then agree to never bring it up again?


Just so you know, it is not uncommon for a cheater to stage such contact. I can't count the times an OW/OM has emailed from their spouse's email or facebook account pretending to be the BS. A cheater will go to great lengths to prevent her/his spouse from finding out. Just to be safe, I implore you to pick up the phone and CALL the OWH and talk to him personally. No warning, just pick up the phone and call.


We do see an end in sight and know how you can prevent this from happening again. Stick with us and we will help you with all this. Many of us here are in passionate, romantic marriages that are much better than before the affair. We also learned how to affair proof our marriages so we are no longer basing our trust on blind faith, but on complete transparency.

Get the book I referred to above and we will help you go through this program.

Hope is not a plan. You must agree to STOP bringing it up. You will continue to feel like bringing it up and you must resist that temptation. The more you resist it, the faster you can feel better.

It is pretty obvious the OW is pretending the BH knows and also staging contact pretending to be him on FB. You need to speak with him personally.

If he really knew he would have some questions for you! And you SHOULD have phone contact so you can exchange your stories for verification.

Waywards are usually not historically bad people so us betrayeds make a common mistake of trusting and believing them. But think of how much deception they have already committted!! They are happy to do more.

Once the A starts they will do anything to cover their hide.

Dont warn anyone you are going to contact the BH personally. Call his home as ML advises out of the blue and introduce yourself. If the waywards know ahead of time, they will spin a story of how she is being stalked by a jealous wife.

So we just got into a big fight. He wrote a good bye letter to her but expressing his love and sorrow after the affair was exposed. I want him to write her another letter following the marriage builders guideline. He is refusing because he says its too late and he doesn't want to contact her. Am I crazy? I don't want her (or him) having this feeling of regret/lost love in the back of their minds.

It's not too late at all. It will be a good will gesture that will help you heal faster. That is in his best interest. He should view you as the patient and he is the doctor. It is up to him to render care to his patient's wound. The letter should be re-written and approved by you:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html




[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

And stop fighting!! No, no, no, no fighting!!

No, you're not crazy, and he has no business talking about love and sorrow while ending a disgusting affair.

He needs to send a letter that is approved by you. Is he not on board with recovery?

Have him come here and talk to me if he's serious. I've walked in his shoes. I know where he's at, and I know where he still needs to get, and I won't sugarcoat things when I call him out on some of the bull**** that wayward husbands try to get away with when they're still in withdrawal. Have him ask for me.

He is refusing to budge on sending the letter. I sent him the coping with infidelity 4 part article 3 weeks ago and he still hasn't read through it. I don't know how much of his heart is in this and frankly I'm not sure how much longer I can wait. I don't WANT to fight but he won't see things from my point of view. He said a letter now would only interfere in their lives.

Call him yourself.

Why not pick up that phone right now and call the OWH? I have a feeling that he doesn't even know about the affair, which leaves the door wide open. Your H's letter left the door open for he and the OW to pick right back up.

No I'm certain OWH knows about the affair. Additionally this affair is done at least for now. I just don't know 5, 10, 15 years later when the kids are grown up. He said if I asked him to write the letter 3 weeks ago he would have but now 3 weeks later he doesn't want to interfere in their lives. He's unwilling to do it.