I can only communicate to my WW through her attorney. Sent one "Yay separation great idea" ltr no response. Sent reconciliation agreement proposal month later, no response. Worn out ready to throw in the towel file for abandonment divorce. Can't sleep, refuse to take Paxil. Satan is winning so far. We were supposedly very religious.


H:41
WW: 38
ILYBNILWY: 2/2012
Thrown out: 6/3/2012
1 previous "threat" to leave years ago
3 kick [censored] kids, spiraling from mild anxiety to mild depression

Thrown out?
Who, when, why, where, how?
Most likely your WW has an OM. What have you done to find out?
Are you legally separated?

NAF - you're in the right place with marriage builders. I get the impression that you're familiar with the concepts by your sig. Can you give us more details?

1) What are your wife's ENs and what have you tried to do to meet them?

2) What are your love busters against your wife? How effective have you been in avoiding them?

3) Is your wife having an affair? What have you done to try to break it up?

You sound pretty hopeless. It is *possible* that your marriage is doomed to fail, unfixable - but this statically *unlikely.* Most marriage failures are due to lack of knowledge and application of effective relationship principles - doing the too much of the wrong stuff and not enough of the right stuff. If this is the case for you, there is still lots of reasons to hope.

My first bit of advice not knowing much of your story is consider NOT agreeing to any divorce paperwork or preparation until you've given a year of EFFECTIVE effort with EFFECTIVE coaching - by the sound of your post I wonder if the clock has even started on this.

Anxious to hear more...

BWS

Hi notafeeling, welcome to Marriage Builders.

How long married? Is your wife having an affair? What were the reasons she gave for wanting you to leave?

I'm afraid that my ww will read this forum. Should I just pm each person individually? I have already done things to make things worse so I don't want to keep moving 1 step forward and 2 back. I am hoping that someone here has had the experience of complete silence for 6 months and they can share what they were successful at doing to break through and secure a reconciliation attempt. So I will just try and pm each person. Then later I will post what was said in the pms. Just checked all of you have pm disabled.

The pms are turned off on this website.

What have you done to make things worse?

1. Saying I love you. 2. Demonstrating to her family members through communications that I am weak, needy, impacted by this more than the wife. 3. Gave the appearance of withdrawing as I have cut contact with many of my family members. Some have lied to me. Told her private conversations that I told them to keep private. Most of them are fine with divorce and would encourage it so I think its best to try and do things on my own or with Church members and Christians who think divorce is wrong.

Hi, NAF,

It sounds like you need to get a plan ready to save your wife and your kids. Years from now, if you fight for them, they will look back and thank you.

Have you read this?

How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages

Don't worry about that. If that happens, we'll still support you. For now, just don't tell her about this resource until we suggest it.

You are probably completely anonymous. Most people don't give anywhere near the level of detail to prove who they are.

Please just use the site the way everybody else does. It has worked for hundreds of people. Listen to us, answer questions, follow suggestions. It works!

1. 18 2. Unlikely but I want to file divorce as I think she will answer Court discovery questions truthfully or it could affect her professional license and employment. 3. She didn't state the reasons so based upon interpretation from bits and pieces she has said in the past - I'm old tired of so much sex, not a teenager anymore. You are a sex addict. Said I have been abusive to her our whole marriage.

She may have gotten mad at you for doing this, but that does not mean you have made things worse by saying I love you. You should not judge yourself for expressing affection.

It sounds very much like your wife is having an affair.

Have you ever been abusive? Demanding, disrespectful, or angry? Do you have any addictions? Have you ever been unfaithful?

1. Little Domestic Support - She does most everything, I bring home money. I allowed her to take too much of the responsibility when we both should have been getting our hands dirty with the bills, finacial hassles etc, attractiveness?, After a big meal i have laughed with the children about my gut. She didn't seem to laugh much. I am 5'8 150lbs so not obese.
1a. I have and will try to meet them, I feel like whats the use I need to move on. One pastor told me based upon talking to her there is not a chance in the world she will ever be reconciled to you.
2. Selfish Demands (isn't this a matter of degree or intepretation?)She would say sex. Disrespectful Judgments, rarely but she has squaked about my judgments of other people. Which to me I was just sharing my feelings and more she did that the less I shared my feelings with her about people and just tried to talk about other things. Angry Outbursts, she would say yes. I would say they are rare once every 6 months, more and more in the final year, month, week and days prior to separation. Dishonesty - NA mostly. Annoying Habits - she has serious hatred as 18 years and I still forget to put the toliet seat down. She slammed it down days before the separation, seriously, Independent Behavior-She does this, makes all sorts of decisions, plans leaves me completely out of them.
3 Unlikely
3a. but I want to file divorce as I think she will have to come clean, I am certain she would be afraid of a perjury charge.

We never took time to ourselves, date night, we allowed our children to dominate most every moment. My regret is that I would have never allowed that to happen knowing what I know now. Some of the things are just stero-typical to most divorces or walk away wife syndrome. Those I know I could have corrected or fixed so they would not have been a problem or would have been a less significant problem.

What have you done to prove to yourself that she is not having an affair?

I would suggest privately gathering evidence before that step, so you know what to expect.

2. Verbally abusive but just in last 6 months before separation. Never chronically. Before that never any profanity ever.
3. I am laid back never demanded she fulfill wifely duties cleaning, upkeep, decoration. But at the end 1st time in our marriage she refused intimate relations and then within days I did demand.
4. Never until last year before separation.
5. Mildly every 6 months, yelling only last year before separation.
6. No. However, intimate relations with her was so enjoyable that in last 5 years increased frequency as escapism due to increasingly extreme work stress.
7. No.
1. Why does everyone say that? She is allegedly a very religious person. She has very few opportunities as Church is so public so many people, few areas like a closet or private area to do such a thing. In 18 years, I think it would have come out. The kids are always surrounding her, how could she get away? She was a stay at home mom but I don't see how she could get away to have sex. Now an emotional affair I can see. She could talk with men on the internet. She has already made claims having her attorney imply that I was engaging in stalking behaviors. Her work is so demanding she has no free time but I see that a pushy guy could probaly force himself on her. What can I do about that? On the other hand she has told others that our marriage is over she doesn't love me anymore.

WHoah ... Please do not dismiss the fact she may talk to men on the net .. If your wife is talking to other guys about how horrible your marriage is ... that is a HUGE red flag. Your wife probably has a need for intimate conversation ... and likely gets it from other men in her work place. ALso about the church thing?? My wifes mother had an afair with someone from her church .. they spent so much time togther doing things for the church that they bonded .. and had an affair ... in fact she left her hubby of 20 years for a man 10 years older .. who was married .. and has no job all because they felt they were soul mates due to the UA time they spent at church.

I would slap a VAR in her car ... and slap A keylogger on her PC. Get teh goods man. Dont sit around and wait for her to tell you one day out of the blue she is leaving. Be more proactive .. its your marriage at stake here. That is if you want to save it. Feelings Follow actions ... and its my bet that your wife has a point of comparison... we call that the contrast effect. MY Wife was chatting to guys online all day when i was at work ... she never left the home .. but their conversations did so much damage to us that we almost divorced. My wife (whos #1 EN is intimate conversation) would be all talked out and annoyed by me when i got home .. so there was nothing left for her to talk to me about so I couldnt make any love bank deposits and fix our issue til I found out it was all related to her getting her need for conversation met from other men .. online. Read my thread if ya like .. it was only after MB .. and me finding out that EAs are just as damaging as PAs ... that i began to questions my wifes internet activity.


JUst saying ..

MNG
edit to add that .. my wifes mother ALSO .. stood up in front of her church and proclaimed she was NOT having a naffair and that we were all crazy ... yet she is going to marry the guy in November ... hmm ... shes been going to church for more years than i have been christian and every time she would visit .. i was bible this .. bible .. that ... scripture this .. and scripture that .. and would always point fingers at my wife and I how un godly we were ... ESPECially when she found out my wife was preggo before we got married .. 14 years ago. I didnt become christian until 2002 ... So .. Christian or not .. do not trust blindly that its not happening ...

The reason everyone says your wife is having an affair is because you have been a good husband and the facts do not add up. There is no real reason here for her to want out of the marriage. People do not get hit by the "fall out of love" fairy and suddenly not want to be married any more.

Understand that we have all seen this hundreds of times on this site.

That would be just as damaging to her desire to continue the marriage. It would be just as damaging to your marriage.

This was the same kind of affair my wife had, by the way.

We can help you get the best chance at recovering your marriage, but to do that, we need to talk to you about why she wants out of the marriage. Don't be so defensive.

I am going to repeat this question, since I don't see any answer from you. Maybe I am missing it.