Please read.
Extraordinary Precautions

If your WH will not protect you and your M with boundaries and EPs I fear you will experience a False Recovery. Trust me, they can be more painful than the first Dday.

Please read.
False Recovery

I'm reading surviving an affair right now.

Today WH seemed much more relaxed and even had a phone conversation right in front of me and then when he got off the phone, he told me all about what was said on the other end of the phone and who he was talking to. I know that our recovery is gonna be a very long journey, but I have seen some improvement.


Also, I expect my certified letter will be reaching her BH tomorrow. Since I sent an overnight letter on a Saturday, it should get to his house tomorrow and I should receive the confirmation some time next week.

I have kept an eye on his phone records and I don't see any activity between the two of them. He hasn't gotten on his work computer this weekend at all. I have loaded the key logger on the computers here at the house. So far I haven't seen any contact, but not sure if he has another phone, so I'm gonna do a little more "checking" and see if I find anything else.

I'll keep ya posted.

Hi Cn,

Hugs to you as you go through all of this. You have been incredibly brave and strong and are building some real MB muscle.

VERY IMPORTANT NOTE>>>

If a liar wants you to trust them they will

- show trustworthy and transparent behaviour to you in one area so as to get your trust in the area they are still hiding from you.

- confess to one wrongdoing (or even several) in order to appear to be transparent while still carrying on another deception.

AN ADDICT will promise to reform.
And maybe even mean to do just that,
but when they crave their drug of choice again
will stop at nothing to get their fix.

I believe that your WH looks like he is feeling better today because he now knows how much you know. He now believes that he has you under control again and has a strategy to keep you there. He has instituted some great FALSE RECOVERY measures.

DO NOT TRUST HIM ->
EVER ->
NO NOT EVER AGAIN ->

Instead incorporate Emotional Precautions.

He must not be allowed to stay in the home without EPs in place.

Complete and utter transparency in every area is the only hope for your marriage.

Cn, You rock. Keep on listening and working the MB program.

AND, yes, you can count on it that the affair was /is physical.

A man, stops having SF with his wife
but has an affair that is 'merely emotional' going on the side???

NO WAY>

HE IS LYING and HAS THE GALL to THINK you will SWALLOW that.

Chuck that one right up again honey.

It will only make you SICK.

Tell him you have a new rule....

No more pretend honesty from this guy.

He needs a new definition of honesty.

One that includes the TRUTH.
You know, what ACTUALLY happened.

Good post HealthyHeart, well said.

I know that he isn't telling me the truth and I am still monitoring his phone activity. I am waiting for the confirmation that her BH received my letter. It should get there tomorrow, since the postal service doesn't run on Sunday's.

I know that we will get through this, and I know that we have a very long journey ahead of us. And once I receive confirmation that her BH received my letter, I will contact her.

Our families already know and his family is in denial about it, but want to see us stay married. So in a small way, I do have their support, but I am not relying on them. I am doing this on my own, for my kids and my family!!

My plan right now is plan a. I'm going to show him that I am here for him, I'm going to meet any and all EN that he will allow me and I will be taking EP to ensure that the OW is now longer in our life. If he can't give her up, then onto plan b, where he leaves the comfort of his own home.

You are right on to him then.

I'll keep an eye on this thread should you need a friend sometime soon.

Thanks.....I know that I have a rough few to six weeks ahead of me. I will be keeping everyone posted. Yes, I love my husband very much, but I'm not in the fog, he is. And eventually that fog will lift and I will be here to pick up his pieces.

The trouble Cn, is that waywards emit fog everywhere they go... a bit like a notorious bodily function that usually comes with a warning smell but in the case of wayward fog does not.

So, they change the way that your surroundings appear and keep on providing an incorrect interpretation to their spouse as to why things are the way they are.

Let's play the 'WayFog Interpreted' game (contributions welcome):

I want you to go away because, I need my space.
when in fact
I want to have more time with AP

ILYBINILWY
when in fact
I am having an affair and so my normal responses to you have become warped.

I am late because they need me at work more
when in fact
I wanted to squeeze in a bit more time with AP

I am angry and depressed because of your shortcomings.
when in fact
My anger and depression is the normal result of guilt from doing horrendously cruel things to you behind your back.

Cn, I know you get it.

The more that you play this game in your head the more clear the real meaning of his every word will become.

And you will feel (and be!) more and more sane
instead of going loopy from thinking you are going loopy.

In fact in this way he can almost become a thermometer of real truth as you can interpret the total BS correctly. You will see that only his actions including true and complete transparency will indicate a recovery.

He will not know or understand how you are able to discern what means what. What amazing powers of mindreading. No matter which new spin he puts on his actions you will come up with the truth.

And your children will have one sane, living in the real world, reliable parent.

instead of the rollercoaster ride that wayward had you all set up take.

You rock. Big Time.

Thank you, unwritten. I do post in fear and trepidation of messing with someone else's life situation and getting it wrong, so encouragement is very helpful.

I completely agree. I have been comparing everything that he says with stuff in "Surviving an Affair" and from this forum has told me. I do not intend to believe anything that he says. But I do know that as time goes on, I will learn how to interpret them all on my own.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. :-D

Update:
Got the certification notice in the mail yesterday that OW BH received my letter. WH came home and seemed upset. I asked him how is day was and if everything was ok. He said that he received a call from OW stating that she wasn't going to be leaving her BH. Will be keeping an eye on his phone records to see if they still talk.

This morning, I was going to let WH have the morning all to himself, but he woke me up and we talked for a little bit before he had to leave. It was nice. He seemed really upset about yesterday. But I guess that's to be expected. I didn't ask any questions or expect to get any information about the A from him. I just listened to what he had to say.

Is he sending a NC letter?

Why is he in contact with OW?

Brain Hurts is right.

You need to now be thinking about when are you moving ahead to Plan B.

You can only handle this plan A for just so long.

He must either write that No Contact Letter and agree wholeheartedly to NEVER again have contact with this skank.

OR you need to go to Plan B.

Brain Hurts will have the link to the
Conditions for Moving Back thread which may be helpful to you in terms of thinking through what should be your minimum requirements for WH to stay.

I recall that Dr Harley's number one recommendation for you was to hire a lawyer to make WH move out.
I also recall that you have stated you cannot afford such a thing.

Perhaps simply changing the locks is your options BUT you need to check with the vets on that and its legality.

DO not stay in plan A too long.

It will destroy your health
and your love for WH
and therefore your desire to repair your marriage.

Good to see you are rocking Affair Land.

More fogbabble interpreted

Skank wants to have her cake and eat it too. Skank will not leave her husband even though your WH asked extra nicely.


WH is distressed that skank won't run off with him.

__________________________________________________________

Please know that this affair continues

and is physical

and will continue to continue

until / unless some major motivation to change is provided.



Vets, please do chime in to advise on this. I would prefer someone better qualified than myself to comment on this.

Thank You.

Oh that poor wittle addict ... he seems so sad his drug of choice doesn't seem to be into him as much as he is into her ... oh cruel world ... whoa is me!!!

This is the time you must prepare ... WH who have a strong addiction to the POSOW will/can/most likely will lose their flippin' minds ... and WILL and I mean WILL stop at nothing to get their whore.

You need to protect yourself financially, emotionally, and in between. WH's are crazy and when they are addicted; they are crazy delusional. They will/can/have been know to destroy everything and then some to keep their fantasy alive.

PROTECT yourself ... when and only when he is willing to say, "I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes." can you know he is ready to have both feet in the marriage.

So it's normal for him to completely withdraw from me and his kids?

YES!! He can't chase his fix and feed his addiciton with the powerful chemicals and feelings that he gets from partaking in his addition if he is connected to you and feeling the guilt of his actions. He has to compartmentalize you and the kids, demonize you, lie to himself that he is justified in his actions because you are this or that. Stop looking at him as sane right now. Addicts are so fogged out in fantasy, denial, projection of blame, lying to themselves to feel better about what they are doing that they ARE NOT NORMAL. He looks normal, but HE IS NOT normal. He is not in his right mind. No person in their right mind would lose everything to do another shot of heroin, or lose their house and job to keep drinking. It is mind numbing isn't it, just how delusional they have to be to continue to do what they do. No person in their right mind would gamble away over $150,000.00 and say anything is right about that. But, they blame their spouses and don't find anything wrong with what they are doing. You might be at a disadvantage a little here if you don't understand the bottom line reality of addiction. But, what we are telling you, and some of what I just wrote will help you. Stop thinking of him as "normal" like you, because he IS NOT!! He is sick!! You are a better judge of that. He has just gaslighted you so much, you don't see it.

Yes, especially if he is having contact with OW. Every contact resests the clock.

Dr. H says 3weeks of Plan A for BW. If he will not commit to recovery you need to prepare for Plan B.

Ask him/her to send a no contact letter to the OP that is written together, approved by you and mailed together. [template below from SAA]

Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OM for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!
How to Plan B Correctly