ArmyMama,
Thank you for your encouraging words, I also think I've done the best possible move given the situation (getting worse by the hour...)
I thought that he would leave me alone once I am gone.
Now he writes me emails in capital letters to express his disaproval of my behaviour ( that I do not want to talk to him, keep him updated on my girls school/home situation etc)
I informed him many times he HAS TO contact my cousin/sister but he is unwilling to.
I think that now I plugged all the holes incl my work email account. What a pain he is!

BrainHUrts, yes my daughter knows about the affair, I told her many times that her father had a choice to end it and carry on and he made a chose to stay with OW, not his family.
She is only ten, but understands it in her own way. Once she is bigger she will be able to see it in a daylight.
I have no intention to cover up his crimes and minimize the part the OW took in our situation. I feel my daughter has a right to disaprove of her. .

I am currently trying to find a flat to live for my girls and me, but it is very difficult at the moment.
I am still losing weight and once everything settles I am going to start my social life again.
Right now I am at my sisters, we had a small party and I had too much wine, feel great though.
Feel that every day is getting better.
Not seeing him/listening to him makes enormous difference to my well being.
I have no idea how I managed to stay around him for four weeks while he was seeing the OW in my face. HOrror time, thankfully behind me.

Then you do not answer his emails/whatever unless they go through her, that simple.

Ok so all plan B holes are plugged up? There is no way for him to get through? Did you send your IM this IM Training School

Good job on your self care in Plan B. Keep it up.

BrainHurts, very goood idea, will email him the info on IM school.
Also he asked me to keep him updated on the girls progress, you know school, what they are up to at the weekends etc.
I was thinking to set up a website and to upload photos and comments from the girls, it cannot be a blog as I don't want him to interact and leave comments, it's just for him to know what's happenning with them ( absolutely no photos and info on me)
Is this ok? It would be my D's diary?
What do you think, is this still plan B?
It would be easier rather than call everyday my sis or cousin.
Also I would give the link to my Ds friends so that they can see photos. My FB is blocked so he cannot comment/see anything there.

Hey CZ, I am new to your thread, have to catch up and I am posting not being familiar with your sitch. However, I have been in Plan B for 12+ months... so want to welcome you!

Its good to send your IM the training school thread. It really helps the IM understand what is required.

In Plan B... Hell no!!! This would be an action to enable your WH.

He needs to learn the consequences of continuing his adultery and not following the Plan B guidelines for recovery. See, if you put up photos etc of your DD, your WH will know you are doing this for him. Plan B is about YOU. Not him. It is about you healing. To heal, you need to think about you, not think about how to meet WH's EN's. You are no longer responsible for him or his needs... he has to put on his big boy boxers and look after himself and his kids.

A reality of adultery and D is that WH will miss out on a lot of DD's life. Don't shield him from this. Let the consequences of adultery hit him like a ton of bricks. It may or may not turn him from this life, but you will know you did everything you could for your marriage and family. In Plan B, this becomes very important.. that you know you put up a fight for what you believe in.

Read the parallel parenting thread... hopefully someone will link it if it has not already been linked. You are not co-parenting with WH. If WH wants to be updated on the girls progress, he can contact the school and ask to be included on reports, etc.

Don't try to help him be a father.

And good job on plugging up the holes for contact.

And just to add.... If your H comes to England at Christmas, he is on his own for arrangements. Don't find him a place to stay or offer to leave your home so he can stay there with the DDs. For the same reasons as above, your H needs to figure out how to get things down on his own. These are consequences of his actions.

AM

CZ, if I understand correctly, your IM is a relative?

This is not ideal, but can work if they have strict boundaries.

Please get them to read here. They can always post questions if they need to... your IM is key to Plan B.

I worry that you are keen to hear of information on your WH. That his attempts to contact you and throw you crumbs might meet an EN and hinder your recovery. I have been there, and desperately wanted those crumbs at one point. It was all part of withdrawal, and it took me a good while to see that any contact just hurt me more.

A good IM is key to a good Plan B. As is self-discipline, but you are showing spades of this.

Oh, and how about getting your kids a Daddy phone. Let your IM pass on a message that WH can contact the kids at a set time each day on that phone. The kids answer, all you have to do is ensure the phone is charged and on. It has worked for others, although sadly, the WH often fails to maintain contact.

I hope other BS's with kids will be along to give advice. Check out Scotland's thread, she is the mama Plan B'er.

Tried to block him from my gmail, but did not work and of course another email came today... Needless to say I set up a filter and his next email will get deleted b4 I am able to see it.
He is coming for Christmas, his OW is probably paying for the ticket as he said that he has no money for petrol. Pathetic...
I emailed him that he is welcome to spend as much time with the girls as he likes wherever he is going to be staying ( won't be my home/ my cousins/ my sister;s)

Caracal, thank you for your comments.
We live in two different countries, more than four hour flight between us.
He signed documents to allow me to leave his country even though he surely regrets it now.

I understand his position that he wants to know what's happening with his daughters. Regardless of what he did, when I put myself in his position I think I would go crazy not knowing what's happening in their lives.

I also appreciate that he needs to feel the consequences of his stupid, thoughtless actions but at the same time I still think he deserves to know about my decisions regarding his children.
I will have a videophone from tomorrow so that he can contact them directly without me interacting and they can keep him updated.
My D10 keeps messaging him all the time so I told her she can open a blog for daddy and friends.
My sister will send him regular texts regarding schooling etc.

I am dreading him coming in December, he'll have no money, I am worried what on earth he can do with two small kids in freezing cold. I am worried about my girls, not him. Although I do feel sorry for him, seriously. I see him like a little lost boy.
I don't have much feelings left for him as a man, just pity and lots of anger...
Now more pity than anger. Soon probably only pity...

I feel I am moving very fast emotionally, I read other threads that BS suffer for months or even years, don't think I am capable of doing it for so long.
I am already planning to go back and finish my uni, start salsa and learn Spanish properly.
to be fair there are so many things that I want to do, that there is no time for crying and worrying.

On top of this there is a NEW year coming and this always marks for me a new start, this year more than any other.
I am surrounded by wonderful people who offer so much help and support, I am so so grateful to find this forum too. Even though I don't know you guys I feel blessed.
Big thank you to all of you!

Doesn't he talk to the girls nightly? I would set up a time each night that he can talk to them. If he wants to know how they are doing in school he can ask them or call the school.

The reason he doesn't have all this immediate information is the consequence from his affair. You are still making it easy for him.

He needs to feel the consequences.

Please read this. Parallel Parenting

You had another break in Plan B. He will not respect your boundaries if you are always talking to him.

This is why I suggested for you to CHANGE all your contact information. I knew he would just set up another account to get through.

He carries on his affair for almost 2 months in front of your face before you can leave and now he doesn't respect your Plan B.

You are allowing him access by making things easy for him. I worry you will remain in this limbo because you want his continued drama.

Change your email. I understand about the work email, but have you asked your company for a new email address?

BH, thank you for your comment.
All email addresses private/work have been changed/deleted. There is no way for him to contact me now even though he tries by asking my DD to pass the phone to me ( which I refuse of course)
I had a hiccup in plan b, but I think now it should go smoothly.
I still feel affected when he phones and speaks to the girls ( but I am NOT dying anymore to know what he says) also I told my girls that mummy doesn't want to be informed about anything regarding their father as it hurts mummy very much.
He doesn't respect my boundaries, he lost respect for me a while ago.
He went out and stayed half of night with OW while still living with us at home.
Disguisting...
I will not stay in this limbo, I am sure that this is it now.

He also wrote that when he has info about our girls he will not contact me anymore. I do not believe it at all. I feel he needs contact with me.

I need to find a way of not seeing him during Christmas period. Will probably drop off my girls at my sis's and he will pick them up from her place/ same the other way round.
Will try to have good time anyway, just need to organize logistics and have a few cases of wine. And lovely company ( family and friends I mean :o)

Ok I'm glad you plugged your holes. I know how painful this is and I know you will heal when you're not in his drama.

Yes, set up a drop/off through your IM during Christmas. It would be like if you were in Plan B living in the same country. You would need a drop off/pick up point.

He will continue to find reasons to break Plan B. You need to be proactive and cut all that off before the pass.

Have your IM send the school contact information. If he wants to find out school information he can call them.

What school information does he want? Is this stuff your IM can pass?

Girls are not at school just yet, I am waiting to hear from the admission office which takes up to four weeks,
My IM can pass all the details, there is no need for him to contact me.
I asked my daughter not to share any info but my D10 got excited after todays call and told everybody that daddy said he misses them v.much and is coming to live with us in London.
( not sure wether he'll still keep the OW and string her along....) or maybe she is coming too????

Just wanted to let you know that I received finally SAA and HNHN and read SAA twice already, this is a phenomenal book, very straight forward, easy to read and as if it was written about me ( surely most of you have this feeling).
I am reading it for the third time, along with HNHN and love both of them.
If Only I read them b4....
Yesterday I got a msg on FB from my friend in Spain that went to see my WH and pick some stuff that I left for her, she told me he said he is moving for good to London in December.
Then my daughter said the same ( hate to hear things, they really stir my head up) that daddy is very unhappy and wants to come now.
He still did not contact my IM so it is possible that he wants to come to the UK to live on his own but have access to the girls.
I am not ready to have him around just yet.
I love England and I am starting to enjoy being on my own. I know it is one of many stages to go through and it will change sooner or later, but nevertheless I feel really well.
I have reduced antidep to half pill at night and will come off it completely next week.
He phones up every day to speak with the girls but doesn't ask me to the phone anymore. It used to bother me a lot him calling, now I am happy that he is daily in touch with his kids.
I used to ask my daughter how is daddy, but haven't done it in a week, don't feel the need to know. however news that he is coming to London freaked me out a bit.
Hopefully this is one of his foggy plans that won't go through.
I don't know anylonger if I ever want to be with him again.
The more I think about what he did and how he did it, the more distant I feel.
I cannot imagine the work you have to put into restoring a marriage....

Keep taking good care of yourself, and set up your life how you would like it. It took me a long time to stop making decisions based on 'if he wants to reconcile down the road, how should I do x, y, z now?'. But it has been very healing to move past that and make the decisions and set up my life in a way that benefits me. Now you have a clean slate to make everything new for you, to avoid things which trigger thoughts of him, etc.

So, I would suggest trying to focus your energy to the life you want, and avoid even thinking about how any choices you make now will impact things based on decisions he might make (such as relocating to London).

JV, thank you for your comment, you are so right. I so think about him when I make decisions regarding MY life.

I have been living a life which benefited him only for so long that switching to ME-mentality feels unusual, weird and at times uncomfortable.
I lost myself in so many ways, stopped having interests, stopped taking new courses, stopped making friends, put enormous amount of weight on, generally stopped caring about everything, no wonder he left for another woman!
Would love to make decisions that are me-oriented and do it naturally. Guess will take time as everything else.

This will also help you keep the bar VERY high for IF you decide to work on recovery.

You're doing so well. Since you're in Plan B I would ask mutual friends to not mention anything to you about your WH. Protect yourself and close all those cracks.

I picked up the phone this morning ( he normally phones in the evening) and of course it was him.
I just passed the phone to my D10 without saying a word to him
My D got very upset and started shouting while on the phone that I could at least say hello to daddy and that I am making things worse ( because I am not nice to him).

I tried to explain again that I cannot speak with him because it hurts mummy very much.
I was very upset.
could kill him if it was not a criminal offence...

I know. It's sad.
My kids tell me the same thing often.
They don't understand plan a or b.

It's important to understand that divorce is like WW 3 to kids. Literally.

HDW, I think my girls seem really ok. occassionally mention that they miss daddy.
Problem is that he calls everyday ( yesterday three times!!!!) and stays on the phone for at least 20minutes with them.
They are very upset each time and I have a feeling that he shares HIS feelings ( I miss you so much, I am so sad without you here,,,) with them rather than helping me to make them stronger.
He should be saying: listen to your mummy, I am sure you will love your new school, you are going to have wonderful new friends, what fun have you done today... etc rather than his emotional burden ( that he can share with OW that he is living with!)

Also he should be killing himself working to support them in here! I have not seen a penny from him yet, but he has the guts to send me the bill breakdown from Spain!!!

Since I am in plan b I could not speak with him directly on the phone, but my IM will email him today what I think about it and to make him aware that he is hurting the girls yet again.
I don't know if he is so stupid or so selfish or both.
Getting really tired of it all.
On top of this he is coming definitely in DEC but thankfully not for good but "only"!!!!! for two weeks.
He emailed my IM ( sister) that he booked his ticked and that he is still looking for a place to stay ( as if my sis would offer him her sofa!)
The cousin I am living with ( which is really like my third sister) said clearly to me that there is no way he can stay with us, which I am so grateful for as I have my weak days I might jeopardized the entire plan b when he comes.
She is very right as he cannot come here, pretend to be a family again and then leave and mess my head and the kid's feelings.
Then I am left with the girls in pieces and it takes time to return to "normal".
So as advised b4 here there will be pick up and drop off organized so that I don't have to see him at all.
He has no money, I have no idea how he wants to support himself in here for two weeks, he just has a flight ticket.
His behaviour is so unreasonable and erratic... If he was ok financially he could have booked a hotel for him and the girls and spend fun time together.
I am worried how it is going to look like.. his holidays in here.
Also I need him to give me the girls' ID cards, just in case he has another psychotic idea and wants to take them out of the country and return to Spain. I have all their passports ( they have double nationality) but because Spain is in EEC, they can travel with ID cards which he has ( my mistake, completely forgot about it!)
Also as soon as I organize schools and residency here, will need to see another solicitor to sort out my custody.
So many things to do and so much time and money wasted, all of this could have been avoided, makes me mad thinking of this all!