He will never be completely transparent. He will work hard on it for as long as he thinks is necessary then revert right back to his old ways. It is a tired old song and dance at this point. I think as the day progresses I am realizing that it will never change and I either accept it and live with it or I accept it and move on. Unfortunately, I feel like as though we love each other and we are certainly best friends but I feel he wants more. supposedly he has never been with anyone but me but that is so hard to believe at this point and I know I have only been with him.

I would lay out your conditions and either gets on board or he gets out. Complete transparency, absolutely NO computer anymore and he gets a dmb phone with a new number. I would have this all laid out for him. He does not get to negotiate.

I would add passing a polygraph to your list of conditions. Call around and get info on that.

I would also expose the affair wide and far. Expos� those emails to your children, family and friends. Let them all know what he does.

JEF. This is a plan based on emotions. We do not advise that and it leaves weasel room for him to continue to gaslight everyone. He will try to sing and dance his way into staying. Given your long history with him, you might just break down and give in only to suffer further heartbreak.





Melody has given you a well thought out plan based on ACTIONS. It puts the ball in his court and HE can be the bad guy if he doesn't want to agree to your conditions. It also lays the foundation for affair proofing your marriage and earning your trust.

Exposure will go far in turning him around. It has a profound effect when the wayward has to face the ugliness of their actions and explain it to their family and peers. It holds them accountable for their choices.

Naw, Ava should call about 9:40, saying she wants him naked and "ready" when she rings the doorbell.....and then send his Mother to visit, with a key!

Have the "nanny-cam" catch THAT as well!

(..and then post it here!)

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I am still on the fence of what to do. I have not been able to eat for days and my brain is mush. I know I will get over it, the past shows that I always do. My husband is in the navy and he is always around a computer because that is a condition of his job and he gave "ava" his work email. I will never have access to that email. He keeps his home email open and I know the password and that is because he creates secret emails that I don't know about. I do appreciate all of the information and advice. I have to have some time to think because at first I was so angry but now I just don't care anymore.

Oh my, JEF. You do understand that the US military views adultery as a crime, don't you? I'm sure your husband knows.

You might want to consider drafting a letter for his commander, letting him/her know what your husband is doing and that he's using his government assigned e-mail account and his government-owned computer to do it.

I mean, if you really want to get his attention . . . something to think about.

EDIT: if you go this route, make sure you also send a copy of the letter to the Navy equivalent of the JAG or Inspector General. If the commander doesn't have oversight he may help your husband sweep it under the rug for a variety of reasons.

I have thought of that OWH however he will be able to retire from the military in less than two years. I am angry with him for sure but I don't want to screw up his career because that will hurt our boys. He is eligible for retirement pay after twenty years and if it were just me and him I would do that in a heart beat but my kids should not suffer because of that. That is money we will use to send our boys to college. I wish it were that simple to just give the info to his commander but I do have the boys first and foremost to think about.

You're in a position that your husband hasn't actually committed adultery (that you know). Your husband's commander might just give him a warning/wake-up call.

The fact is, your husband's behavior is putting his family's well-being in jeopardy. If he doesn't stop, there's a good chance you'll lose everything anyway.

Some of the MB veterans can give you more precise advice, but this is a solid case for exposure if I've ever seen one. Yours is a situation where strategic exposure of your husband's illicit activities may prevent a larger tragedy down the road.

You've been able to keep your cool so far. Keeping thinking this through logically and don't let fear, uncertainty, and emotion hold sway. To a great degree, you're in a position to take control of this situation and limit the damage your husband is in the process of creating.

OWH you are right I don't have any evidence of adultery, although the suspicions have been there for years. I am trying to keep cool and level headed but it is so hard not to go off on him.

Hope to hear more from MB veterans with some more helpful insight or advice.

the subject came up in conversations with my husband and "Ava" regarding marital status. He said he was married. I want to get rid of "Ava" and all trace before the meeting so my husband does not suspect. Any thoughts on if it is a good idea to have her tell him she does not want to get involved with a married man? Then have her disappear. He now has a new secret email, which is always how it starts with him and it is safe to assume that with the new email and the taste of almost stepping out will tempt him to contact other people. We have eblaster on the home computer that he does not know about so I can monitor other things with him that way and I plan on getting eblaster for his phone and installing it immediately.

Well I let my hot head prevail again...very disappointed in myself. I emailed him as Ava and said I was not comfortable carrying on in the direction of meeting up because he was married. then I did something even stupider and told him that what did it for me was seeing her post a good job babe on his post on the fitness site then I said that person is your wife right? I have since tried logging on to my account with the fitness website and my account has somehow been deleted. I sent him an email asking him if he was having problems logging on to his account and he said their site must be down because he can't log into his either which is a flat out lie because I logged on to his account right after I found out mine was deleted.

I forgot the most important part, I emailed the conversations between Ava and him to my account at the fitness site. I don't know if he saw that I had emails from "her" or not but he did not mention it so he may have missed that and thought by deleting the account she could never contact me.

JEF,

So, you are not willing to work through the military to apply pressure to stop your husband's behavior. You canceled the fictional meeting tomorrow when you could have caught him and you no longer have copies of the emails. Your husband actively trolls for women and you have been accepting it for quite some time. Exactly what type of assistance are you looking for from MB?

AM

I have all the emails printed out, I did that immediately. I don't know at this point what type of assistance I am looking for. Maybe I just should have stayed off here and continued to bury my head in the sand. I am so quick to act before I think and I thought this time I would follow advice but apparently not. And, no, I am not willing to get the military involved. I do not want him kicked out of the Navy so close to retirement.

Since you're burying your head and when he does bring one of these OW home, I hope you get STD tested every few months to at least protect your health/life.

Yep you are right about that. I am too weak to carry out any plan I have to really catch him so I guess I might as well be introducing him to people to have affairs with. I don't need anyone to tell me how stupid I am for letting it go on.

I concur with BrainHurts. Your husband is perfectly willing to bring stange women to your home (and bed). I think a wife has to have her head buried very deep in the sand to accept that. I am sorry for your children.

AM

That seems to be a reasonable assumption.

Get the spyware on his phone and see what turns up, but I would still proceed with confronting him and drawing the line in the sand.

Ok, we've all had a pity party or two so we understand your hesitancy. Now take a breath and get back on the horse.