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t/j to livingwell, can you go make a post about Spy Agent in the Operation Investigate forum and write what you like about it? thanks...
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Physically I know where he is, but no, I can't track if he is texting or talking to anyone. He just started a new job & is still finishing up at his last one & doesn't have extra time (he is home by 5/5:30 & interacts with our family). I watched the cell phone records for months & nothing was different, but I know people can chat through google, etc, so no I haven't tracked that. We have had many people have affairs who never were away for one night from home. Every second was accounted for. First off, people don't have to meet in person to have an affair. A full fledged affair can be conducted over the phone/internet. And secondly, most of the affairs we see are workplace affairs with coworkers. They can meet just about anywhere during the work day and their spouses are never the wiser. Even the dumbest WS can hide an affair. The fact that your husband wants you to "trust" him blindly is a huge red flag, especially with his history. Do you have full access to his phone? Could you sneak some spyware on it? What about his computer:? Or does he have them both locked down like a thief?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So you recommend spyware on work laptops? What if I screw something up?
ML, I'm not sure yet that an affair happened.
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I watched the cell phone records for months & nothing was different, but I know people can chat through google, etc, so no I haven't tracked that. Not saying he is doing this, but a common way to hide phone calls is to buy a pre-paid affair phone.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have access to his phone, iPad, our home computers. I haven't tried to get on his new work's laptop.
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So you recommend spyware on work laptops? What if I screw something up?
ML, I'm not sure yet that an affair happened. I understand you are not sure an affair has happened. That is why I suggested a polygraph. That should give you the assurance you need. And he should welcome it because it will clear his name.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Your husband says he wants to be trusted, right? If so, then a polygraph will help enormously in that regard.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What's weird is the counselor I saw said even if someone is innocent, most people fail polygraphs, so he didn't recommend that??!!
I agree that it would be the easiest way for him to clear his name with me.
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Oh & I agree that affairs can be emotional/happen on-line, but I don't think my husband believes/gets that.
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What's weird is the counselor I saw said even if someone is innocent, most people fail polygraphs, so he didn't recommend that??!! That is not true. Police stations give them all the time. A good polygrapher is very effective. We have had great success with polygraphs and even Dr Harley now recommends them. Typically, if someone is hiding something, they CONFESS it all before the test. People hate flunking them so they would rather confess. THAT is the main value of the test. If you give him one last chance to answer all your questions before the test, you will likely get all your questions answered. We have had enormous success with this tactic.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Oh & I agree that affairs can be emotional/happen on-line, but I don't think my husband believes/gets that. Thats ok. What matters is that YOU get that, and that he understands you won't tolerate it. Does he have any opposite sex friendships?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have access to his phone, iPad, our home computers. I haven't tried to get on his new work's laptop. Be patient, even the cleverest cheater slips up eventually. I caught mine out by detecting a single phone call. It was the one time that he forgot to use the prepaid card . .
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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t/j to livingwell, can you go make a post about Spy Agent in the Operation Investigate forum and write what you like about it? thanks... Will do
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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Okay, I dismissed that as an option months ago, but researching that & getting it set up is better than meeting with a divorce lawyer.
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Okay, I dismissed that as an option months ago, but researching that & getting it set up is better than meeting with a divorce lawyer. Call your local police station and see if they have any recommendations. Former detectives/FBI agents are typically the best testers. Set up the appointment and don't tell your husband until 2 days in advance. At that time hand him a list of questions and tell him you are giving him an amnesty period to come clean before the test but that you fully expect him to pass the test. Even though the tester will only allow about 3 questions, your H will not know which 3. So you can ask as many questions as you want on your list.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Does he have opposite sex friends? No, not really. All of my gut feelings point to his cousin's out of state girlfriend. She's very needy & "cutesy" & online all the time & very caught up with my family - my kids, etc. It is most likely innocent, but it's still annoying. I'm sure if she's flattered him, he has enjoyed it. I finally deleted & blocked her from my FB so I didn't have to see her dumb comments.
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Has he cut off all contact with her?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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See, i would be getting keyloggers on his computers and spyware on his phone to watch for any contact. Additionally, I would ask him to take a polygraph.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hello, sigh, and welcome (back) to Marriage Builders.
The thing I would like your husband to know is that the Marriage Builders program achieves trust when it is followed. If your husband wants you to trust him, and feels that this is a need of his, then he can have that after awhile if he will follow the rules of this program.
I'm going to try to go dig up a couple of my older posts on trust and how this is achieved. I would advise him to continue to listening to Dr. Harley with you, because Dr. Harley talks about this periodically.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Here is what I would like your husband to know: i love her. im stressed. i feel that she will never trust me. i just want to be married to my wife. Trust is an emotional response to certain conditions. The condition is you have to act a certain way for quite a long time. Either you aren't acting the right way, or it hasn't been long enough yet. Be patient; it will come (if you are acting trustworthy). And, believe it or not, you can have a good marriage without trust. The good marriage can come first, and the feeling of trust can come later. One problem we often see is people wanting their husband or wife to trust them in bad situations. This is a mistake, since trust is an emotional response to people acting a certain way. An example: suppose I go on a business trip with a lady coworker, and ask my wife to trust me. I am acting in an untrustworthy manner, so it's a mistake to expect my wife to feel the feeling of trust when I act this way. I can instead expect her to suddenly start feeling DISTRUST if I even suggest such a thing! Another example: I change my email account password and don't tell my wife. A couple days later she tries to get into my account and discovers she can't. She asks if I've changed the password, and what it is. Instead of telling her what it is, I tell her to "trust me." It's a mistake for me to expect her to trust me, since I'm not acting in a way that causes the feeling of trust. She will never trust me as long as I act like that! Act right and be patient. It will come. In the meantime, work on the complaints that the two of you have about your marriage. (Original link for the historians among us: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2641721#Post2641721) So the thing is, if your husband is willing to act in certain ways and is consistent about it, then in Dr. Harley's experience, you will eventually feel trust. It's up to your husband to make you feel trust, not you.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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