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MBradio@marriagebuilders.com is the email addy. I think it should state all the facts concerning her affair. By not doing so you are shielding her from the consequences of her affair. Thats not very Plan A like.
Last edited by TranquilDark; 02/27/13 04:48 PM. Reason: add more advice
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While I agree that it should state all facts regarding her affair, I don't even have all those yet. I can't imagine she will set down and right the resignation letter with those facts in it if she won't even tell them to me... She is supposed to be turning the letter in tomorrow when she meets with her supervisor. She is supposed to request a good reference if needed and a copy of her HR file.
Thank you for the address for Dr. Harley. I sent him an email and will wait to see what happens.
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HER letter of RESIGNATION should only give the reason as "Family issues.." etc.
There may be legal repercussions if she cites the A (or A's) as her reason.
Dday- Feb 1998
Recovered!!
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Dr. Harley on telling the children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside. _________________________
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I am not a vet but as a BS and reading about Plan A by not mentioning the affairs in the resignations because of legal repercussions isn't that shielding his WW from the consequences of her affair(s)? She didn't think of that when she was in the midst of her affair(s). I fail to see the MB in that. Please clarify. Did you expose to your children? Updates?
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Not much to update; did a major remodel in our home and have been doing the painting to get it finished up. WW did submit her resignation letter to employer last week. It did not mention anything about the affair(s), but did say that she could not work there any linger and make her family the number one focus. Employer is aware of the affairs. They had slews of evidence in the business emails; they log every email in and out. Employer has asked her to stay on for about 3 more weeks until a replacement can be found/trained. Employer also asked her to consider working at one of their other business's in town. I told WW that it was not a good idea.
We have one child; I "exposed" to him during the AO I spoke of earlier. I have not taken the time to sit down with him and talk about it in a normal conversation.
We have two major problems. First, WW cannot and refuses to be completely honest about what was going on and refuses to discuss it further. Second, we are not getting anywhere close to the alone time together that we need. Maybe only about 7 hours per week. WW and I have discussed this and she says it impossible when we have DS. I've asked her to read Dr. Harley's viewpoints on getting the time in for couples with children and she hasn't looked at them. We both love DS, but my WW, IMO, uses him as a crutch.
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I was also waiting to hear back after I emailed Dr. Harley back on the 27th. I have yet to hear anything back from that email.
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I was also waiting to hear back after I emailed Dr. Harley back on the 27th. I have yet to hear anything back from that email. Email again and if you don't get a response hit Notify here and ask the MODS to let the Harleys know.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Thank you all for your advice to contact the radio show. I spoke with Joyce (very nice and genuine person) today and am schedule to be on the show tomorrow!
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Thank you all for your advice to contact the radio show. I spoke with Joyce (very nice and genuine person) today and am schedule to be on the show tomorrow! Fantastic. Let us know how it goes.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Ill be listening! Hope it helps you!
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Did the radio program today. I am a little more encouraged. Dr. Harley requested that I ask WW to complete the 3 main questionaires and have her send them in to him. He offered to speak to her personally if she was willing. I'll see if I can encourage WW to complete them this weekend.
It will be interesting to see how WW reacts. She already thinks I'm a "quack" because I post for advice on the forum. Not sure how she will respond when I tell her I was on the radio program...
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Obviously I don't know how many people on this forum listened today, but I wanted to comment on something Dr. Harley spoke about. He said it is his impression that my WW wants to be independent and that may be part of our issues. WW is independent in some areas, but in others she is extremely dependent on me. I would even say that I am pretty independent, but it hasn't carried me into an A. We have some work to do if I can just get her to jump on board with MB.
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Calling names is immature and a DJ. I don't think she is ready for recovery. That's just an opinion. Remember even though she agreed to try recovery she is still very very foggy! Trust but verify.
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Calling names is immature and a DJ. I don't think she is ready for recovery. That's just an opinion. Remember even though she agreed to try recovery she is still very very foggy! Trust but verify. Who called who names? Where?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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WW never actually called me a quack... I have mentioned the forum in the past couple weeks and she wanted to know if all the people on here offering advice were certified. She has, many times, told me I was crazy because I thought she was having an affair.
I'll also admit that throughout our troubles, I have resorted to name calling. Not that it's excusable, but I never used a name that didn't have a definition that fit. I am trying to work on controlling this part of me.
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Obviously I don't know how many people on this forum listened today, but I wanted to comment on something Dr. Harley spoke about. He said it is his impression that my WW wants to be independent and that may be part of our issues. WW is independent in some areas, but in others she is extremely dependent on me. I don't think you understand what he means by independent behavior. Independent behavior means she has a belief she is entitled to do what she pleases whether or not it harms you. Your wife has a belief that if having an affair makes her happy, she is entitled to have it. Would you agree? I would even say that I am pretty independent, but it hasn't carried me into an A. And are you in the habit of making unilateral decisions that HARM HER and just saying "screw you" when she objects?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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WW never actually called me a quack... I have mentioned the forum in the past couple weeks and she wanted to know if all the people on here offering advice were certified. She has, many times, told me I was crazy because I thought she was having an affair. We certifiably give MARRIAGE BUILDERS ADVICE here. We don't give "advice" based on our personal opinions. According to the TOS, posters must give MB advice to posters in need.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The fifth Love Buster is Independent Behavior, the conduct of one spouse that ignores the feelings and interests of the other spouse. If your decisions are made as if your spouse doesn't even exist, you will find yourself running roughshod over your spouse's feelings and your Love Bank account. Since it's usually scheduled and requires some thought to execute, the simplest way to overcome it is to take it off your schedule. And if you follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, Independent Behavior will never find itself on your schedule in the first place.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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ML,
Thanks. I didn't grasp his definition of independent behavior. No, I am not in the habit of making decisions of that that harm WW.
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