I am to the point that I don't know what to do anymore. Two years ago I found out that my husband had been having an affair the entire time we were dating, and they broke it off when I found out I was pregnant. This was about two years into our relationship. I found the pictures and videos he had taken when my daughter was three weeks old. After threatening to leave him, he finally told me it was a one time thing. After going to marriage counseling, he admitted it was an ongoing affair, when they were not seeing another they were having a cyber affair. This spring I found nude pictures of her in his email, he swore that they were old pictures, even though the date shows they were a week old. Then the beginning of this summer I found a memory card in his wallet full of videos of him with the same girl. The date on the videos said they were from 6months previous. My daughters name was tattooed on his forearm and he was wearing his wedding ring. Now I feel used. I have stuck with him, even of at times it was because we have a child together. Last week. He went on a business trip, and when he returned I found texts in his phone insinuating that he had tried to get a girl to sleep with him. When I confronted him, he claimed that he had put those texts into his phone sent to a fake number to see if I was "snooping" through his things again. I feel as if i have every right to look through his phone because of what he has done. He has no proof that he had planted the texts, and due to his past, I chose to kick him out. He has been gone for a week, and we are trying to get back together. But how can I trust him anymore? He says that the reason he started the affair again was because I was too wrapped up in our daughter, then one and a half. Maybe i was, but I feel as if he should have talked to me instead of going back to his old lover. I do love him, but i don't know if we can make this work. His second affair happened after we went to counseling. I just don't know what to do anymore. Ill accept any advice anyone can give me.

You did the right thing by kicking him out.
You are allowing him to face the natural consequences of his actions.
Others will come along soon and discuss how to kill the affair.
I encourage you to see an attorney immediately. You need to protect your legal rights. File for separation, and child support.

Thank you HDW for the advice. I have been feeling for about the past year that I needed to leave him, but i am still in love with him. I'm so lost and hurt right now. In order to get him to actually leave, I told him that I don't. Want this separation to be permanent, that i wanted to save our marriage. Which I do. But i am afraid that nothing will change. He does not want to admit he did anything wrong, but i feel as if he is trying to put all the blame on me.

MB has a program that may save your marriage.
The first step is to kill the affair through exposure. Expos� to the other woman's friend, spouse and family and your friends and family.

I encourage you to speak with an attorney because you need to be protected in this situation. You need child support and orders to protect marital assets.

Others will be along soon to help you with exposure.

Right now he is in a different state than us. We happened to be staying at my parents house while he was on his business trip, so when I found out I made him find his own way back to the state we live in, because we had driven in my car. All my daughter and I have are a few clothes. Everything else is at our home, 9 hours from here. I don't think he would do anything, but then again I never expected him to be constantly cheating on me.

Welcome to MB.

Who is this OW? Is she married? Do you want to save this marriage? How old are the both of you? He will have to quit that traveling job if you were to recover.

Read this Exposure 101

Hello BrainHurts. The OW (other woman, right?) Is someone he claims as his best friend. They had me so convinced nothing was going on between them that I let her become a close friend of mine too. He claims the reason he kept sleeping with her is because he loves her and cant resist her. He says that is why he took this job in the first place and moved us to another state, away from my family and everyone I know, because if he sees her again he knows they will start up the affair again. She is not married, but has a live in boyfriend.

I do want to save my marriage, but right now I cant tell if its because I want to be with him or if its because i do not want my daughter to grow up without her father.

I am 26, those is my second marriage. I left my first husband When I found out he had a girlfriend and she was pregnant. My husband is 35, I am his third wife.

Did you read the exposure link I posted to you?
Ok so if you want to save your marriage the first thing you need to do is expose this affair.

Does OW have facebook? Go and copy and paste all of her friends and save it for later.

You need a plan to expose all at once. Are you ready to do this?

I don't know if I can do this. My family knows (obviously) and some of my friends. But I don't know if i can tell everyone. He has begged me not to tell his family. And I'm worried that if i expose both of them, that he will run right back to her arms.

You NEED to Expos�.
Otherwise you are enabling his behavior

I copied all of her friends. Nice to see that she is friends with my father -in-law and brother-in-law. Why should I expose her if she has not done anything to me that I know about for the last almost-year? I confronted her right after I found out about the second affair on Facebook, and not ten minutes later I got a call from my husband yelling at me. I basically told him it was none of his business, and kept sending her messages threatening to send copies of the videos to her boyfriend. She begged me not to ruin her life. I know that if I expose both of them now, I will feel guilty for ruining her life. After reading a lot of the MB writings about infidelity, I know that I am considered a giver. I already feel horribly guilty about leaving him, but even his best friend says I'm doing the right thing. But I don't know if I can handle exposing them. I don't want people to look at me and know I can't keep a man from cheating on me. I don't want that pity

You help people by allowing them to face natural consequences.

They are the ones that did this and the fallout from exposure are consequences from their choice to have an affair. You didn't do this, they did.

Her boyfriend has a right to know about his life.

I will do it

Keep up the momentum on exposure! You should feel NO GUILT for exposing, as the everwise BrainHurts said, it is a consequence to their affair, not to your exposure.

And why ON EARTH would you feel guilty for ruining this POSOW's life??? YOU are not ruining her life. She is the one who chose to have an ongoing LTA with YOUR HUSBAND, if anyone ruined her life it is her. Meanwhile you, the innocent wife at home, also had your life ruined by no fault of your own. No choice of your own.

Don't you feel a single bit guilty about exposure. You are doing what you need to do to end this affair and protect your marriage and family. Her welfare is of no concern to you, just as your welfare was never of any concern to her.

Are you married?

FYI This is such a standard wayward lie to cover up an infidelity, he might want to get more creative next time. I bet the vets on this board have heard this exact same sentence hundreds of times.


You DO have every right to look through his phone. You are his wife and there should be no secrets between the two of you. He should have a life that is completely transparent, regardless of whether he has had an affair or not, but even more so since he has. The fact that he doesn't is a big red flag.


Dr Harley says that you should not have trusted him in the first place. He believes that all people are wired for an affair, and if the conditions are right will have one. That is why you need to set up your marriage in a way that does not allow an affair to be possible. Such as having complete transparancy with each other.



You are 100% responsible for YOUR PART in creating a marriage that was ripe for an affair, but you are 0% responsible for his choice to have one. Never let him convince you that you have responsibility for his choice to engage in an affair.

Yes we are married. Our third anniversary is later this month.

If you are to recover your marriage and affair proof it in the future, this is one thing that will need to change. Your WH (wayward husband) can have NO OS (opposite sex) friends. None.


Do you know how his other marriages ended? Were you with him prior to his last divorce?

I am going to try my best not to feel guilty through all this, its just hard not to. My husband told me the reason the affair began in the first place is because I refused to have a threesome with him and the OW. Said if he can't have us together he will have us apart. Y'all are right, I need to expose the affair. Im going to tell her boyfriend and his family. I would have rather been told of the affair rather than finding the videos that I did. He has got his family believing that I am just on an extended visit with my family. I'm tired of feeling like I'm living a lie