I do want back in her life. Not to control. Again these are just words, I know I have a tremendous amount of work to do. As far as what I tried to fix it, that week was spent begging and pleading and filling her ears with words. I've learned a lot about myself reading these forums and everyone's great advice. I really do love the honesty.

I feel she believes me on the ow as far as what happened. I didn't hide anything from her. I believe we really do have a lot more work on this subject.

Thanks for all the good advice markos, I'm reading everything now. My phone wouldn't load the forum. I hope my wife gets to see the end result of all this

Sorry, not just markos, everyone's help. He was just very specific

My wife text me some today. It was a little more than casual. She asked how my counseling went and what was said. I just answered that i would tell her whatever she wanted to know but i didnt think she wanted to hear about that stuff yet. Then she didnt pursue. She did say I could text in the morning if i wanted. Thats the first time she offered that i make initial contact. Im trying not to get too excited about it but its hard

i'VE BEEN GOING OVER ALL YOUR ADVICE AND READING AND LISTENING. I'm at the q&a and wanted to know what am i supposed to do as far as answering her parts. I wish I would have found this site before the messes ive created. Even if we begin to work things out i'm afraid she will never be willing to do Dr Harleys plan.

It turns out that a husband working the plan without his wife's support can actually have great success, if he is very patient and sticks with it long enough.

So, you start now, you do what you can, you take extraordinary precautions to prevent another affair, you become transparent and honest, you only make decisions that take your wife's feelings into account, you eliminate demands disrespect and anger from your behavior toward her, and you spend time with her in conversation. Do not demand that she follow Dr. Harley's plan; just keep at it and see what happens.

Great job so far.


Do you mean these 23 articles/Q&A columns?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5505_qa.html

Just read and reread them and put them into practice, for now.

Do you mean Dr. Harley's questionnaires? Skip those for now. We know what the main problem is: love busters. Eliminate them. Eliminate independent behavior, demands, disrespect, and anger. Eliminate dishonesty. As far as meeting emotional needs, probably all she is willing for right now is conversation, so give her as much of that as she is willing to receive. Other than that, it's pointless until the love busters are gone. You cannot fill a love bank while you are kicking holes in it.

Have you listened to Dr. Harley's radio show yet?

yes i have, wasnt financially prepared for this separation so not too many extras right now. i already have the book love busters and keep rereading the parts you suggested. going to the book store before work to see if they have "surviving an affair"

Shes agreed to leave the house this weekend so i can spend time with the kids. Im very excited about it. We talked this morning for about 45 minutes about plans and what not. I slipped up a little over something she discussed with my mother. She said she felt everything was about sex. Which is my fault because thats how i used to think. I tried to assure her it wasnt and said i could live sex free for as long as she wanted. I know, BIG mistake. She didnt respond much and i turned the conversation back to the weekend plans. i think we ended on a good note. Any advice for this weekend would be greatly appreciated

Nervous about tomorrow

Invite her to join you, be gracious and wish her a good weekend if she refuses, take lots of pics for the kids to show their mother, maybe something with a nice message in it? Or help them make something for her, perhaps a photo collage of her and them. Pictures you took but aren't in would be perfect. Make her miss the family. Ask if she needs help with anything around the place while you're there.

Don't get phased by the word No and a cold shoulder. There's nothing better than a man who can take 'No' graciously and confidently without melting or getting annoyed. Taking a no well means you're listening and accepting her choice.

Should I apologize for talking about personal issues today when we talked or let it go?

Apologise for what? You offered reasurrance she wasn't ready to hear. So drop it.

Keep it light and pressure free. Keep it about demonstration, not words.

Just be the lighthouse.

Sorry indiegirl just real nervous.

There is nothing to be nervous about. Your brief is really simple. Be a nice guy...that's it.

You aren't going to achieve a lot in one day any way, so no sense putting a world of pressure on one day.

No need to walk on egg shells. You have a plan.

Indiegirl, I love your responses!! bnmt, just keep plugging away. NOW, you know your part in the demise of your marriage. Now that you know, you can own it. It seems like you are well on your way to owning your wrongs. It is very humbling isn't it? I now see that even my angry outbursts at my husband, which I justified b/c of his behaviors, are/were wrong. It is very humbling and very empowering to admit and own your wrongs in a way I never imagined. You have found the right place to turn this all around. If you are willing to do the hardest work you have ever done in your life, follow the advice these people give you, you will be such a better man for it and a much better partner/husband in the long run.

Just be the loving, accepting, understanding, empathetic, non-judgemental, non-angry/resentful husband that your wife has always needed. The big bad world is mean and unaccepting enough. We don't need that from the person we give the most impotant role in our life to. We need loving acceptance, honesty, security and protection from our spouse. Just be that tomorrow. You messed up, so it will take some time to make it better. She has to see your actions, period. Just be who you were supposed to be all along, and give it some time. It takes time to earn trust back, however it was lost.

Ok, sitting in the woods with my son while he hunts. I made sure she had left for work before I showed up today. Me and the kids went downtown for awhile got back and my wife showed up. She was joking around with the kids included me in on some. Then cleaned the house for 2 hrs. I helped on a couple of little things without trying to seem pushy. I kept things simple and pleasant talked about the kids and a little about finances. She's being so nice I'm worried ill slip up. She left for the evening but tomorrow we have to sit down and talk about the kids. I asked her this morning via text what time she wanted me gone by and she said she didn't have a time

What time she wants you to be gone by? Are you leaving your home?

He has moved out at request because of his AOs and affair.

Ah, alright, I see now.