You definitely need to ring, the OW will certainly be on the lookout for any communication. You need to get onto this asap as WH & OW have probably put a spin on the A and cast you in an unfavourable light ... it's all about protecting themselves.

ecb, i am worried that you seem to tell your WH everything. you should NOT let him know of your plan to inform the OWHs, and you should do so as quickly as possible. there is no good time for this news, so just bite the bullet and do it. your WH doesn't sound onboard for recovery at all. you need to kill these As and get this show on the road. what is your plan?

That is really offensive. Would it be appropriate for me to say that since you are a cheater you must see a spouse's response to an affair as "drama" as another way to minimize what you did? Would it be appropriate that as a abuser you tell a victim that their actions are responsible if they get abused in the future ("you're most likely going to get a lot more of it")?

There is NO woman on the planet that wants this "drama." I will also remind you that it is the cheater that loves the drama! The excitement of an affair, the chase, the thrill. We are just at the mercy of your "drama" - dragged through so you can "have your needs met."

You also have no idea the work we have done to eliminate the possibility of the affairs. That wasn't the purpose of this posting, but if need to know I can tell you since you seem hell-bent on telling me all the things I haven't done.

"Leverage" - that is also offensive. Maybe you refer to your marriage arrangements in this way, but I don't use "leverage" in my life. And my goal will never include "negotiating good behavior."

You also speak as if there has been no exposure - I have told every detail of his behavior to our friends and family. He has told every detail of his behavior to our friends and family. That took strength from both of us. This was the last part and I came here looking for advice from those that have done it.

In fact, I did the opposite of thriving on the drama. I didn't let the drama of my rage and anger have me storm through their doors. I didn't let it have me say and do things I would regret. Instead I worked with my therapist, prayed, read, and reflected. And after six weeks of doing that, I am ready to consider exposure.

And finally, being a cheater doesn't make you an expert on what it feels like to be cheated on. You can never understand the destruction and pain your actions inflicted on your spouse. So don't judge me for struggling with having to call another person's spouse and blow-up their world, while I am in the horrendous process of trying to piece my world back together.

ecb, a couple of things you should know:

GO is a valuable and appreciated member of this community, and his input to you was a question, not an accusation. He did explain why he was asking the question, given some of the inputs he (and we all) had read on your thread.

You are wrong about there possibly being no woman who exeperiences "guilty pleasure" at the opportunity to play the tragic part of the "scorned woman". We have seen it played out here several times. (And men, too, btw)

You have the ability to prove your position (which, btw, I disagree with GO on, and support you on) that your...dilatory...response to the advice here is more due to confusion than preference. Contact OWM, directly, and personally. Today would be a good day to "elect" to defend your marriage.

Exposure is still needed, absolutely. For one thing, most of the time nobody will be motivated to end contact until exposure. For another, having lots more eyes on you keeps you honest, so if your misdeeds get revealed, you will be much more likely to stay faithful.

ecb, my wife had a long-term affair with one of her co-workers. I can assure you, I was terribly victimized by it. For over a two-year period, my wife was unreachable and in a constant state of conflict with me. No matter what I did, I couldn't seem to reach her, and I didn't know why I had lost the heart of the woman I loved. It was a wretched time in my life.

I'm convinced other co-workers of my wife knew what was going on and assisted her in hiding it from me. I would've given anything to know the truth. Whether the call came at home, at work, during church, while I was sitting on the john -- not important. More important would've been for me to know as soon as possible. That was urgent, critical, emergent information about my life that was being intentionally withheld from me. That greatly exacerbated the cruelty and pain of the adultery.

Yes, the OWHs are victims of your husband. Please tell them WITHOUT DELAY!

I know you said you're going to, and I thank you for that.

ecb, when you come back please consider starting your own thread and let us help you when you expose the affairs. You will need all the support you can get.

No, it would be off the mark for you to say those things. I certainly appreciate that you don't want drama. My interest here is in helping you to give yourself the best shot at minimizing the drama you might be facing in the future.

I can only go by your words; and your words (prior to your most recent post) indicated a reluctance on your part & on your husband's part to expose the affair to the other betrayed spouse, a reluctance which I simply think is very counterproductive to your own interest in preventing a resumption of the affair. That doesn't mean at all that I think you'll deserve that outcome if you fail to inform the other woman's husband -- of course you'll not deserve it -- but it is still an outcome that your choices & decisions can make either more, or less, likely.

That's right, ecb. Nowhere have I ever said that I'm an expert on that. My wife (who has worked for over two decades in neonatal intensive care units) has compared that pain to the pain a parent feels upon an infant's death. I've said in various places over the years that I know I can never get to the center of that pain.

Ecb, Gloveoil is a valuable MBer, he has helped many FWS through recovery and provided an insight into waywardville for many BS. I would have appreciated his input on my own thread and would welcome any comments from him even if they may be painful to read ... "forewarned is forearmed".

I have followed many of his posts as they provide a useful insight, there are times he may ask difficult questions but he always has a reason which will help your recovery. I have never read a post where he professes to know the pain a BS feels, he has however shown empathy.