You and your family are in my prayers. God bless you.

I am so sorry PM. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. God bless.

PrincessMeggy,
I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate it and I feel the love in your posts. It has been one of the hardest times in my life and very painful. But it's a different kind of pain than I experienced in 2002-2003. Now that I'm living it, I can say without a doubt, that the pain of adultery is worse. Surprised?

With adultery, I didn't know where he was, what he was doing, or if he would ever come back. It was a pain of hurt, sorrow, anguish, fear, and betrayal, with a little anger thrown in. I cried a lot back then too, but it was different.

Please don't misunderstand or misconstrue. The pain and grief I'm experiencing now is no picnic. I miss him so much it is stunning. My grief comes in waves and sometimes I don't think I can go on. I fall into a weeping puddle at the slightest trigger, and after 35 years, there are a lot of memories to trigger. I've lost so much weight over these last few months and it doesn't seem to be slowing. Sound familiar?

Since we recovered, our marriage had grown stronger and sweeter. Our lovemaking was better than ever, and it had always been good. (God, do I miss that connection with him.) During these last few months, even though there were some battles we had to face, I know without a doubt that my husband loved me and would have preferred to stick around so we could do all the things we wanted to do now that the kids are grown. But it wasn't to be.

We got the official diagnosis back at the beginning of August. They told us then that his colon cancer from three years ago was back, but this time it was with mets to his liver and lungs, that it was inoperable, and chemo might help shrink the tumors, but probably not. He chose not to do chemo again and to try and fight it through natural remedies and plain old prayer. I don't blame him. Last time, the chemo made him 10x worse IMO and I suspect that the surgery they did, stirred up even more cancer cells, but that's my layman's guess. He thought so too. They said we had 6-18 months. We didn't even make it to four.

I cared for him these last few months and watched him literally waste away right before my eyes We went into hospice within the first couple of weeks. He had faith that God would heal him either way. He would either get up out of that bed or he would go home to be with the Lord. It was a win/win for him. He was more worried about us if he died. I was angry and had little faith in God when we first found out, but over the months I cried out to Him, and he proved Himself very real to me with a series of events. It was if He was saying, "I hear you, and I see your tears. Let me comfort you." and He did.

What is amazing to me is that in October the year before, I won our trip to Hawaii (my life-long dream) and I was able to buy him a Harley for Christmas last year (his life-long dream) ---all within a span of a couple of months. We took our trip to Hawaiii. February -- not knowing what was coming. We reconnected and refreshed on that trip like never before. I think both events were a gift from God.

On the night of my husband's death, he was surrounded by me, his mother, and all of our children. We held vigil for hours, watching him slip away. We were fortunate that we were able to keep him at home. When he died, I thought my heart was going to break in two. I crawled up on our bed next to him and wrapped myself around him and wept. We hadn't been able to hold each other because the pain was too great for him. Before, all we could do was reach out and hold hands, or I could gently rub lotion on his feet, etc. I kissed him that night and said, "Later baby" because he always refused to say "goodbye" to me (long story from his childhood).

We held a celebration at his funeral and it was wonderful. We celebrated his life and all the lives he had touched over the last few years. I've been to his grave once, but he's not there. I believe he closed his eyes here on earth and opened them in heaven and I feel he's watching out for us.

I will never "get over" our marriage, his death, or our memories. I know this. There is not another man on this earth like him, he was one of a kind. I can't imagine ever remarrying again, it would have to be a thunderbolt kind of deal.

All this to say to each of you-- treasure the gift of your marriage. Work on it. If you're going through adultery in your marriage right now, you are very fortunate to be reading my words on this site. Marriage Builders helped my marriage grow after the fact. I didnt discover it until we were back together and while my husband never really joined in, he was open to the concepts and recognized and appreciated the change in me as a wife as a result of what I learned on MB. I have no doubt had I found MB while we were going through it, we would have recovered much sooner.

If your marriage doesn't recover after trying everything you can, then still keep the MB principles close to your heart if the day comes you ever remarry. I doubt that day will ever come for me, but if it did, MB membership would be second on my list, after being a Believer.

XOXO

What a sad, sweet story, PM. I know how much you loved your husband and happy for you that he got to spend his last days with you. My gosh, it all happened so fast. You must be reeling, my friend!

I hope to see you real soon here.

Oh, I'll be back. I have a lot of stuff to share, heads to bang, and tears to dry for others. I just need a little time... because I want to help and encourage, not hinder anyone. I'm too much of a mess right now, but I'll be back for sure friend.

I worded that badly. What I was trying to say is that i will be seeing you soon I hope. I am headed your way in a few weeks and hope to see you..

Oh, lol. Yes! Just what the doc ordered. Just let me know when and I'll be there

Will do!

May God bless and comfort you

Princess,

You have such a beautiful way with words (you made me tear up). I have read your whole MB journey and thank you, for continuing to share even through your pain.

Peace to you, friend.

PM, your words made me cry, what a wonderful life you made for each other. Thinking of you.

Words can not express the pain I feel for you.

Thank you for everything you have done for me, and the countless others, even during your time of grief.

When I wrote this in the early days of my grief, I didn't know the extent of the pain yet to come. It appears that I was in my own "widow's fog"-- an automatic defense that kicks in, otherwise we wouldn't be able to handle the full brute force of the pain that comes from losing a spouse when there's a loving relationship.

It's been nearly three months now and the fog has cleared, leaving raw reality in its wake. For me, this pain and grief is worse than anything I've ever experienced in my life. Had my DH and not been so close and in love, I think the pain might have been a little less, but there would have been regret too. I even experience a little of that.

We spend our entire marriages building a good marriage and meeting (or at least trying) each other's need to maintain romantic love. My DH and I had that, in spades. It took a lot of work and time, but we got there. We were best friends. Death doesn't change that for those left behind. Love is not a spigot that you can just turn off. I have so many questions but I'm dealing and I'll get there.

I'm so tired of this grief (already!) but I know I have miles to go. Just today I woke up curled in a ball crying my eyes out from a dream. But with tears comes healing, whether consciously or subconciously. My grief is unique.

Your grief is/will be unique too. Why mention you? Because every good marriage will still have an ending through death. Think about it. Being prepared for that ending is something we don't think about. I sure didn't.

As for my current path, someone told me yesterday that "joy" or "depression" is a choice. Clearly, this person has never lost a spouse. In fact, her husband is a cancer survivor. I'm not depressed, but I am sad, very sad, and so scared sometimes. I DO have hope. My faith in God sustains me. Being a widow is a whole new world. It's also a time of great loneliness, even when surrounded by people. What has really amazed me is the abandonment by "friends". People who were involved in our lives on almost a daily basis who have now disappeared. Where did they go?

Thanks for reading.

Thank you for coming back, meggy. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain.

Bu please tell me these things did not happen? This is a misprint, surely. Why would someone ever say to that to another? And why would our friends abandon us after a tragedy?


I cannot understand these former friends, but I hope that there are still good friends and family taking care of you.

I'm very sorry for your loss

No misprint Sugar! I was speechless when she said that to me. Part of me wanted to retort back but I just walked away.

I've read that's it's common for new widows to be surrounded by people who care and then after a few months they see (or wonder why) she's still grieving so hard. Feeling helpless, I guess, they stay away. I know now that when it's happening, or at least in my case, I didn't really "hear" everything being said to me.

When things calm down a little after awhile, is the loneliest time and grief intensifies as reality settles in. I can't blame them, I've been guilty of the same, not fully understanding the depth of the pain. It's like those of us who have experienced infidelity in our marriages. Before, we didn't understand the magnitude of the pain. Afterwards, we get it.

Someone from work sent this to me today. As I read it, I had to nod my head in agreement. While not all applies to me now because I've passed some milestones, I can still very much relate.

12 Ways To Support A New Widow

Time for an update. It'll be six months on the 10th and I've been to hell and back. It's true what they say, the deeper the love, the deeper the grief. It hasn't helped that my children have basically fallen apart as well. My late husband was truly the glue that held out family together.

I'm not there yet, but I am healing. It's a slow, slow process and I miss him like crazy. I'm not too crazy with this new life of mine, but what choice do I have? I'm still a young woman (well youngish) and I can't imagine feeling this way for the rest of my life.

Continued prayers for my family would be much appreciated. I haven't made any major changes, but I'm about to. Scary, but necessary. Miss you guys but I'm going to try to start coming around more to pay back all the love and support I received through my journey. Xoxo!

...try to start coming around more to pay back...

Good to see you managing your new situation, PM, and also good to hear you plan to post more often.

As far as "paying back", I can assure you that many folks here (including this poster) would aver that you have a positive balance in the "support supplied-over-received" account!