Yea.
Dr Harley talked about "the taker" in a recent show. I will see if I can find it and post a link to it here.
He said when the "taker" takes control then there is careless, selfish behavior.

Did she ever write a No Contact Letter?

Here is a copy of an e-mail he sent her before d-day. I just can't keep rehashing those words in my mind. How do I stop it?? How can I just pretend I never saw it and forget every word. If you read this e-mail, what would you think? Warning, it is long. I got it on the temporary internet files because he did a spell check on it. I gather it is not the entire message though. Here goes:

"Your voice cut through me last night like a sword through butter. I was
completely consumed by your voice; you could erase my deepest, most darkest
fears with one word. I would kill a thousand men to hear you laugh, and die
for one chance just to hear you tell me you love me. Even though we are miles
apart I felt as if time and space were non existent. I hated the fact that I
had to upset you last night, but you deserved the right to know what was going
on. If I had just disappeared, you may have thought ill of me. Looking back,
the conversation we had should be recorded in the halls of love, because girl,
you made my head spin, my heart race, and my emotions soar. I loved every
second of our talk, and when you mention even the slightest notion of intimacy
I feel as if the world stops right in that moment in time and we are the only
two people to have ever existed. You complete me.

I wish sometimes that I
had allowed you to fall in love with me, as I am not the man you deserve. I
know you disagree with me when I say that, but it is simply a fact. I can not
hold you in the times that you need me the most. I can not pull you close to
comfort you when you are scared or lonely. And I can not make love to you in
the tender way that you deserve. I have laid in bed awake thinking of how
great it would be to have you there with me, and then cursing my self for not
being able to satisfy your needs. You are such a beautiful person. Too
beautiful for me and my ugly cursed life. I cannot believe that you are even
attracted to me with the despicable uglyness that I am sometimes called upon to be. Pam it is I who don't deserve you.


The only thing that is remains is simply where do we go from here? I have had
such a wonderful time with you, and in just the short time we have known each
other my emotions have soared to levels I previously thought were unattainable.
I live each day now breath by breath, wanting, hopeing, waiting to hear from
you. I find myself a complete emotional wreck until I get just one morsel of
contact with you. Call me a sap but I merely pouring my true feelings out to
you. I know that only time can reveal the true answer at this point, but damn
I would love to have a crystal ball."

End of message now. And now he tells me he made a mistake, that he loves me and only me. He wants to save our marriage and our family. After reading that, it is so hard to move on. What advice do you have for just forgetting that I ever read that?

aussiewife & jessitaylor:

There are several networks that are currently working on documentaries regarding infidelity, and I have been called by them to give them some ideas. The one point I try to make again and again is that a spouse's affair is the most painful experience anyone can have in life. I encourage them to ask those who were the betrayed in their documentary to compare the suffering they experienced with all other tragedies they'd had in life. Our experience is that when those comparisons are made, infidelity tops the list when it comes to suffering. So guilt is a normal reaction for those who have inflicted this level of pain on someone. And flashbacks regarding the source of that pain is normal for those who have been the victims. In fact, I don't hold out much hope for couples where the unfaithful spouse DOESN'T feel guilt because he or she is usually unwilling to provide just compensation for the offense (see my three Q&A column series "Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?"). The just compensation I recommend is to completely eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible, take extraordinary precautions to avoid another affair, and meet the most important emotional needs of the betrayed spouse. When those conditions are met, I've found that the unfaithful spouse experiences very little residual guilt, and the betrayed spouse has much fewer flashbacks.

The problem I generally see in couples where guilt and flashbacks persists is that just compensation has not taken place. The conditions that led to the affair persist, the extraordinary precautions have not been implemented, and/or the unfaithful spouse is not meeting the most important emotional needs of the betrayed spouse. On the other hand when these three conditions are met, the couple will report that they've never had such a good marriage, and that perhaps the affair itself, as painful as it was to experience, provided the catalyst for change. I've written in a number of places that unless a marriage is better after an affair then it ever was before the affair, the marriage is unlikely to survive. The just compensation helps create that magnificent marriage if it's implemented.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

I'll start the letter. Not sure how receptive she will be. Out with the boy hunting right now. Can't help feel like there is a big blow up coming

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent

Probably not tonight. It seems to me she is back in withdrawl. I'm not sure why.

Good man.
Can you commit to having the letter written and posted here for review to give to your wife by tonight?

any suggestions on how to approach my wife with this? Its going to send her over the top.

she isnt on board with this program. I just dont think she will receive it well

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent