You're still grossing me out the way you talk about these girls. It's disgusting. These kids are younger than my two oldest daughters and it's like you're bragging you got to "bang" them. They are human beings who have to live with giving themselves away to strangers for the rest of their lives. Would you want your daughter to feel like that? Like she's just a nicely shaped piece of meat that gets treated no better than a used kleenex? You really need to get help and get over yourself.

And I didn't just mean you weren't meeting her sexual needs. I meant you were so selfishly caught up in your addiction I doubt you thought much about ANY of her emotional needs. You have a lot to learn.

He's a sex addict.
To date he complains about his wife's affair and keeps saying he can't control himself.

Sir, you need to take responsibility for your actions first

If you read the article that Brainy linked, you will see that Dr H is slow to conclude that someone is a sex addict, and that he never concludes this on the basis that the number of his affairs is extreme. Is isn't simply the number of extra-marital acts that make the affairee an addict, nor the fact that they are with prostitutes and would therefore be seen as cold an unfulfilling to the rest of us. He writes,

"That's the dilemma that we face when trying to decide if someone is a sex addict. Must a compulsive sexual behavior be proven to be unhealthy and cause guilt before it can be considered a sexual addiction? Or, is the simple condition that it upsets his wife reason enough?

I've counseled many men whom we would all agree are sex addicts. Some of them have broken the law by compulsively exposing themselves in public for sexual gratification. They ruin their marriage, their career, and their self-esteem with such behavior. They also feel very guilty about what they've done. Most psychologists have no difficulty diagnosing these offenders as being addicted to sex."

It seems to be the element of compulsion that is significant. and most importantly, this must be felt even when the marriage is improved so that the man's sexual needs are met within it and he has promised not to hurt his wife with the behaviour again. When the multiple incidents of sex with prostitutes is exposed, and when the couple is working on marital recovery in the way the Dr H prescribes - if the man has endured the humiliation and shame of exposure to those particular acts, and if he has lived through months of his wife's hurt but also through her committed efforts to provide him with love, sex and care - if the man still feels a need to seek sex with strangers then he is probably a sex addict. The problem is, in the majority of marriages where there has been that type of sex, the couple accepts the "sex addict" definition and gives up on the marriage. Perhaps, as in the case of Tiger Woods (which he discusses in the article), the offending spouse undertakes a period of therapy in order to try doing something, but if the conditions that allowed the adultery to take place are not addressed, there is no hope for the marriage to be saved and the couple divorce even after therapy, as did Tiger Woods and his wife. As Dr H says, they never made the commitment that he would have encouraged them to make, which would be to give the marriage a try under new, stringent conditions; that Woods never travelled without Elin and gave up attendance at tournaments if Elin could not travel with him every single time.

In other words, the "sex addict" label is often misapplied and is actually dangerous to most marriages affected by multiple affairs. It encourages the spouses to think that there is some clinical or psychological condition that probably cannot be overcome even with extreme therapy (such as attending a sex addiction programme, as did Tiger Woods). They don't make the extreme lifestyle changes that could well save their marriages and they divorce, when nobody knows whether the marriage could have been saved.

If they make the extreme changes that Dr H recommends, including an all-out effort to meet sexual and all other emotional needs within the marriage, and if both spouses report an increased level of happiness with the marriage, and if the compulsion to visit prostitutes persists, then the man is probably a sex addict. But he isn't a sex addict simply because he has had sex with 80 or 800 prostitutes, and using that lable on the basis of the story we have been told here is irresponsible and self-defeating. Suggesting a sex addiction group could simply be a way of substituting one addiction for another; I have heard many stories of addicts substituting alcohol addiction for AA meetings which themselves become addictions, and continuing to ruin their marriages by neglecting them.

This poster should write to Dr H for sepcific advice, but as I said, Dr H addressed this issue on yesterday's show, and he addresses it in the article linked. Nowhere does he suggest therapy as a first step, or adopting the mantel of "sex addict" without first radically changing the marriage to see what difference, if any, that makes.

This poster will not be able to make those changes for both their benefits unless he tells his wife about his lifestyle, so he needs to confess.

Very good advice.. I will tell her..Im not making excuses by waiting till next week, it is simply the only free time we have to actually sit down and talk due to our schedules this week and with the holiday. I will tell her and very soon..

Sounds like you need some new friends. I don't know of any friends who are routinely 'banging whores while their wives are at home...' and if I did they would no longer be friends.

You have a lot to learn about valuing and protecting your marriage. Until then, start with dumping these friends.

Do you all have children? What kind of role models are you being for your children? What are you teaching your children about the worth of women, worth of marriage?

[quote=Jeff1979]Very good advice.. I will tell her..Im not making excuses by waiting till next week, it is simply the only free time we have to actually sit down and talk due to our schedules this week and with the holiday. I will tell her and very soon..

There actually are bad times to tell her.. We just found out yesterday that her dad has cancer, she is taking it hard. If i tell her tonight about my past it will crush her with everthing all at once.. I feel really bad.. I might tell her tonight after we go visit him.. Her family depends on me alot to help get things done cause he is in the hospital..

Yeah there was still risk of being arrested or getting a disease but I didnt care in the heat of the moment. I was VERY carefull not to get any STDs i couldnt imagine giving my wife anything.. And then i find out she was with 5 guys unprotected lol..

[
There is also ABSOLUTELY NO correlation between the words 1) sex with 80+ prostitutes and 2) being VERY CAREFUL to not get an STD. That is like saying you played Russian Roulette but were very careful to get the empty chamber. Huh?

We both got tested for everything and we are both clean..

Sugar, I re read the article
On sex addiction.
I did not see where Dr Harley wrote that going to a 12 step progra
Would make the program the new addiction.

Reading through Jeff's posts, he says all three of the items Dr Harley mentioned in the article.

Jeff, irregardless of wether you are an addict or just commiting selfish behavior you need to tell your wife. Hopefully you haven't already given her an std.

Like when I used to say I was a very good drunk driver??

Did you get tested AFTER the last time you had sex with a prostitute or ANY other woman than your wife, and after the last time she had sex with any other man than you?

I mean, if you got tested say, around hooker#40, or 60, or even 79...you could still be infected.

PS I spent several years as a domestic voilence advocate and had the opportunity to work with several prostitutes. Something like 92% of girls entering prostitution have been victims of sexual abuse in their pre prostitution days. At that time the average age of entry into prostitution was 14. 14. It is a horrendous crime, IMO, that little girls who have lived traumatic lives end up being routinely victimized by men like you, at least until they get sick enough from their own STD or drug use to die, or get beat to death by some pimp. THAT, is how you are spending your money, my friend.

I have also done extensive research on the sex slave trade. How many of these 80 were in the trade business and servicing you against their will. More than you imagine I'm sure. Makes me sick, and I always wonder WHO are these disgusting MEN who care only about depositing their disgusting fluid and don't give a hoot that these girls are being treated less than dogs. Now I know.

Dude. I commend you for wanting to turn this around. But you have a LONG way to go to truly realize what kind of disgusting life you have been leading. All your comments about how you are a good looking party guy who gets a lot of attention, how you have banged all these attractive prom queens, just tell me that you think there is some glory in this. There's not. You go to church. There is good and there is evil in this world. The world of prostitution is the underbelly of evil, and that is what you have been a part of.

Sugar, I re read the article
On sex addiction.
I did not see where Dr Harley wrote that going to a 12 step progra
Would make the program the new addiction.

Reading through Jeff's posts, he says all three of the items Dr Harley mentioned in the article.

We do not have children, we are 2 good looking social people that would be out at the bar scene 3 nights a week. and our marriage was broken, she went out and found happieness with these men, and I how ever did the same how even in a easier different matter.. at first i met a few women at the bar and exchanged numbers but found that it was WAY to risky to keep in contact with people here in town and have friendships with other women. I would have got caught so it was easier to get hookers.

I was unhappy as well but did not want to throw in the towel in our marriage just yet cause there was still good times and love, so i went and wandered outside the marriage and so did she... Alot of guys want to stay single and just have sex with women instead of commiting. In my case I looked at it like i was single and then thought "well i could buy this girl at the bar I met $30 in drinks, $25 dinner, go though all the role playing and bs then get her number and start texting and getting to know her and then a week or 2 down the road finally have sex with her"..

I thought no way..... way to much work and risk for someone i dont want to get to know and for someone i just wanted to have sex with.. Yeah there was still risk of being arrested or getting a disease but I didnt care in the heat of the moment. I was VERY carefull not to get any STDs i couldnt imagine giving my wife anything.. And then i find out she was with 5 guys unprotected lol..

I agree we have alot to learn. like I said we were our "first loves" we never had any other relationships more than 2 months in out lifes and then all of the sudden 13 years!. We spend all our 20's together and while all our friends were out at college partying and sleeping around we were not. I think it just hit us in our 30's that we better get this out of our systems to see what its like before we are too old,, yeah i know it sounds stupid but when you have no kids and you are good looking and get attention from the other sex there is alot of temptation, and we both failed!..

Alot of people can say "In my first marriage, this and that happened and I learned what not to do".... In our case we are learning as we go on and its a horrible way to learn..