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Men shouldn't be longer then 6 months in plan A.
But you need lots of work to get to the point to actually do plan A. You need to work on yourself first.
The thread 'Carrot and Stick' is a good read for you then.
The core of plan A is that you do not expect any changes from your WxW, that is not going to happen, and definitely not within 1 month, or 5 weeks.
You can not control another being, but you can fix on your anger and hurt.
The posters that post here to you have 1 thing in common. They are recovered, whether with their marriage, or individually. There are Vets here that are excellent at helping with busting up and exposing affairs, there are Vets here that can help you get into an airtight plan B, there are Vets here that can help you with plan A, there are Vets that have plenty of legal experience, including lawyers, dealing with a spouse that has mental disorders, serial cheaters, etc. There are men here with full custody, there are women here with full custody.
And they are all willing to help you, but cannot control you, are you willing to 'surrender' to that?
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You should really work on eliminating your Lovebusters as a first step.
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Cliff Notes version:
- wilderness is divorced. To wilderness� understanding, the divorce was caused primarily by his MIL�s interference in his marriage
- Following the divorce, wilderness continued dating his ex-wife
- wilderness understood that his dating agreement with his ex-wife was exclusive and a prelude to re-marrying. It is clear this understanding was not mutual as the ex-wife took a boyfriend
- Posters here have offered condolences for wilderness� pain in feeling he�s been cheated, but also pointed out that they were not married, and therefore she is a free agent and is not guilty of adultery
- wilderness is very angry that his ex-wife is not sorry that she�s dating other people
- wilderness says he wants to reconcile with his ex-wife, but demands that she publicly acknowledge his interpretation of their history as a condition.
- Though he believes his MIL�s interference caused the destruction of his marriage, wilderness seems to think that, somehow, bringing his own mother into it at this stage will be helpful
- wilderness apparently believes his ex-wife should be punished in some fashion for breaking his understanding of their agreement
- wilderness is demanding that his ex-wife change to accommodate him and cannot seem to acknowledge that he can�t make her do anything, that the only control he has is to change himself
- Since the posters who�ve been trying to help him are not supporting his approach, which seems to be driven by emotion, primarily rage, wilderness has resorted to becoming combative and insulting to the posters here, calling them �wayward� and accusing them of supporting affairs and being actively engaged in them
- When asked to validate his position, wilderness comes across as very confused and starts retracting his accusations
- wilderness doesn�t appear to be seeking help, but instead, appears to be looking for ideas on how to extract retribution on his ex-wife
- wilderness does not appear to have delved very deeply into the materials on this web site, as his posts seem to lack the quality of coherence normally extracted by this point in a thread
That should just about bring you up to speed. Shes dating him. They agreed to work on getting back together. While she dates OM and keeps that hidden. That is cheating.
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 Thank you WarHorse. I can sleep tonight. Goodluck to you Wilderness. I don't think you'll find what you are looking for here---but we have sure tried to offer you some sound advice. Wilderness is cheated on and all you can do is rotflmao.
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Move it to the dating forum. Good grief. This thread is becoming a huge distraction.
me: FWW/BW
Married 20 years, 4 kids
We made it.
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I really don't want to do plan A. I can barely stand the thought of her right now, no way do I want to be nice to her while she is with another man. Plan B might just work.
Jesus Christ is come in the flesh.
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Move it to the dating forum. Good grief. This thread is becoming a huge distraction. I suggest that you ignore it if you feel that way.
Jesus Christ is come in the flesh.
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You're using the Plans as some kind of smorgasbord, dude. STOP IT!
What do you want?
- If you want to reconnect with your ex-wife, you're going to have to understand that right now you are one of her two (or more?) options. You do NOT get the right to "veto" her seeing other men. That disappeared as the gavel came down on your marriage the first time. You will have to show here that you are the better of her options, and quite honestly, given your history with her, that'll be a helluva trick!
- If you want more equitable custody arrangements, get a lawyer and open up a suit to pursue just that. BTW: Doing this, especially as it will cost her $$$ to oppose you in court, will probably stamp "cancelled" on the previous initiative.
- If you want condolences and hand-holding about the crappy way you and she have together structured your situation, with no real goal in mind, that's NOT what this site is about. We FIX, not MOURN, things here.
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The only 'right' that I care about is 'right' and wrong. What she did and is doing is wrong in every conceivable way. I'm telling everyone here right now, I'm calling it- she WILL be back. But no way in the world would I take her back after she has slept with another man for months. Maybe I can tolerate a month, but it depends on what happens between the two of them. We'll see. I guess I'll go with plan b.
Jesus Christ is come in the flesh.
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This just keeps getting better and better. Found out today that my XW/XF has been stealing money from my mother for a year. (she worked for my mother up until last week)
I am urging my mother to have my XW/XF arrested.
Jesus Christ is come in the flesh.
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This just keeps getting better and better. Found out today that my XW/XF has been stealing money from my mother for a year. (she worked for my mother up until last week)
I am urging my mother to have my XW/XF arrested. You cannot control your mother's actions but make sure you stay 1,000 miles away from this. Your XW would not be the first to take revenge on you via your child.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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If you want help to go into Plan B we can help you with that. Why don't you email Dr. Harley? Get a lawyer and take care of the RO? Get a lawyer and fight for custody of your DD? If you want help with Plan A, we can help you with that. MB is Plan A (even though she no longer is your Wife) to your best as you prepare for Plan B. What direction do you need help with? Have you read this? The Art of War by Sun Tzu
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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If she worked for Mom, let Mom do whatever she must do.....you stay out of it.
Indeed.
See that lawyer right quick to guard your child from being used as a pawn in any way here.
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If she worked for Mom, let Mom do whatever she must do.....you stay out of it.
Indeed.
See that lawyer right quick to guard your child from being used as a pawn in any way here. I already have seen a lawyer. And worse, my X is already using my daughter as a pawn. I didn't get to see her on thanksgiving and she is keeping her from me until further notice. I really don't get it. How can anyone act this way? SHE lies, cheats, deceives, steals, etc... and she is somehow mad at me? And the worst part is that my daughter is the one suffering because of it. She has proven herself a horrible wife, mother, and person at this point.
Jesus Christ is come in the flesh.
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Have a lawyer do what he needs to do to let you see your child.
Focus on that right now.
Focus.
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Hello all,
Brief recap of my situation, an update, and then a list of potential conditions for reconciliation to follow.
Sitch: Married 3yrs, DD3, possibly divorced a few months ago (seperated), but supposed to reunite as a family 1/1. Affair discovered in November. Restraining order and false allegation of domestic violence (she claimed I threw a coffee cup at her- that didn't make contact with her- and they charged me with felony assault with a deadly weapon, this despite no evidence, no witnesses, and no sense whatsoever to her allegation). Well, it turns out that there was most likely a conflict of interest in the original divorce; her attorney formerly represented me in another matter. There is a good chance I can get the whole trial thrown out and start again! We are trying to negotiate this between the lawyers and families. On top of that, I believe through 'the grapevine' that her A is over and she wants to try and reconcile...I'm not 100% positive, of course, but it's likely. The word is that she is scared to approach me directly for fear of what I will say (incidentally, should I get the word to her that the door is open through family? Thus far I've been totally silent about what I want).
Anyway, here is a list of conditions I put together, tell me what you think-
1. NC letter to OM.
2. Full disclosure of the A and lies associated with it.
3. Lie detector test concerning the A and the false allegations, at her expense.
4. A confession in writing and notarized that she filed 2 fake restraining orders against me and made a false allegation against me to the police.
5. Agrees to have all conversations with me recorded until further notice and puts it in writing and notarized (to protect myself against future false allegations).
6. Repayment of money given to her for financial support during her A (payment plan ok).
7. No unaccompanied visits to her parents house (OM is next door neighbor of parents).
8. A public acknowledgment to mutual friends/family that she badmouthed me to- that she lied and created a distortion campaign against me.
Thoughts?
Jesus Christ is come in the flesh.
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My immediate thought is that you should post this to your existing thread! It's better not to start new threads with individual questions about an existing situation.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Jesus Christ is come in the flesh.
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Hello all,
Brief recap of my situation, an update, and then a list of potential conditions for reconciliation to follow.
Sitch: Married 3yrs, DD3, possibly divorced a few months ago (seperated), but supposed to reunite as a family 1/1. Affair discovered in November. Restraining order and false allegation of domestic violence (she claimed I threw a coffee cup at her- that didn't make contact with her- and they charged me with felony assault with a deadly weapon, this despite no evidence, no witnesses, and no sense whatsoever to her allegation). Well, it turns out that there was most likely a conflict of interest in the original divorce; her attorney formerly represented me in another matter. There is a good chance I can get the whole trial thrown out and start again! (whcih could leave the door open to R) We are trying to negotiate this between the lawyers and families. On top of that, I believe through 'the grapevine' that her A is over and she wants to try and reconcile...I'm not 100% positive, of course, but it's likely. The word is that she is scared to approach me directly for fear of what I will say (incidentally, should I get the word to her that the door is open through family? Thus far I've been totally silent about what I want).
Anyway, here is a list of conditions I put together, tell me what you think-
1. NC letter to OM.
2. Full disclosure of the A and lies associated with it.
3. Lie detector test concerning the A and the false allegations, at her expense.
4. A confession in writing and notarized that she filed 2 fake restraining orders against me and made a false allegation against me to the police.
5. Agrees to have all conversations with me recorded until further notice and puts it in writing and notarized (to protect myself against future false allegations).
6. Repayment of money given to her for financial support during her A (payment plan ok).
7. No unaccompanied visits to her parents house (OM is next door neighbor of parents).
8. A public acknowledgment to mutual friends/family that she badmouthed me to- that she lied and created a distortion campaign against me.
Thoughts?
Last edited by wilderness; 02/27/13 09:49 AM.
Jesus Christ is come in the flesh.
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I just read your entire thread. Confusing! So when was the first D final? I have not seen anyone require repayment of financial support. If you are planning to reconcile that makes no sense. On the other hand if you want her to pay back the debt owed to your mother I can understand that. Is she working elsewhere now?
What happened to the restraining order?
Me BW: 30
WH: 33
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