You would need to follow the exact recovery plan in Surviving an Affair

My divorce was final a year ago, BUT it looks as if it isn't truly final and the judgment is going to get thrown out. We can either start over, or not...depending on what happens. The restraining order still stands, but there is a big meeting between the families and lawyers tomorrow to try and hammer all of these issues out, including the restraining order. She does not have a job right now, I'm considering making that a condition for reconciliation.

The financial support thing is a hot button issue for me and I'm not willing to be flexible with it. The reason being, when we first started having problems money was one of her main issues (I was struggling at the time due to the industry that I work in collapsing); so I busted my butt and went without to make sure all of her bills were paid and she had money to spend on herself. So as a reward she chose to have sex with a stranger, make false allegations against me, steal from my mother, harm my relationship with my daughter (which harms/harmed my daughter btw) by severely restricting my access to my daughter, and deceive my daughter into thinking her family would be reunited (which she was looking forward to, btw).

edit to add: I have already filed a lawsuit against her for that money, I won't drop it whether we reconcile or not.

Here is the problem. When we first went through problems, I came to this site. We went over the needs to which her top 2 were honesty and financial support. I made a 1000% effort to meet these needs, and I DID meet them. She made a 0% effort to meet my needs, and also half assed (at best) the time spent together part. All while deceiving my family, me, and our daughter into believing we would reunite as a family.
So...I do want to reconcile, but NO WAY am I going through that nonsense again. That's why to me it is important to have a long list of requirements for her to prove that she is serious before I put my heart and soul into this again.

Some people never learn anything here.

NC with OM for life means for you and your kids as well as your WW for life so no over the hills and through the woods to Grandma's house we go until Grandma or the OM moves far away form the other one.

Seems a little vengeful, but I understand where you are coming from. Well first things first get the matter of the divorce and the RO sorted out. If you do decide to reconcile you would have to
1. Get the truth about her cheating stint while you were engaged.
2. Once you have the details, never talk about the incident again
3. Make a list of extraordinary precautions so that a repeat never takes place
4. Eliminate love busters
5. Find out what each other's ENs are and start meeting them in scheduled UA time of 20-25 h a week.
6. Learn and practice POJA in your relationship

This would be the MB advice to a married couple, since you weren't actually married at the time of the "affair" it muddies the water a little. I'm sensing that you are very angry and your interactions with your "XW" are probably full of Love Busters. You would have to start working the plan in order to have any chance at a successful recovery and so far you have resisted all advice to plan A.

Tomorrow at the meeting do your best to be pleasant, avoiding angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements and selfish demands. Right now she is too afraid to even talk to you and I don't see how you are going to reconcile with someone who you cannot even communicate with, never mind the not so small matter of the RO.

I haven't resisted any efforts at plan A. I haven't been able to legally speak with her. Like I said, I've heard a lot of things through the grapevine (I assume she 'got the word out' on purpose), but I haven't been able to legally respond, at least directly. I haven't had any interactions with wife.

I would be willing to do most of these suggestions, hut not in a million years would I agree to never mention the affair again. That is laughable; not something I would EVER agree to and I really can't believe any sane human being would even suggest it. So I am FORCED to deal with her lies, deception, sexual infidelity (if you or anyone else on this forum insist, I will use the term 'sexual infidelity' as opposed to 'affair'), and I can't even talk about it? Should we change the name of this forum to 'sucker's builders'?

Do you like kool-aid?

The Road is correct. NC means No Contact for all of you. Being around OMs home will perpetually trigger both of you.

No fondness for sugared children's drink is required. Just common sense.

Word is her sexual infidelity partner moved away, so it probably isn't going to matter. However, once the restraining order is removed (probably tomorrow) I plan on contacting him and paying him a few visits.

How do you know this?

And how do you know how to contact him? You know where he is?

From someone that knows both of us intimately. Knowing her, it's possible that he didn't move but the relationship ended...but I'm pretty sure the relationship has ended either way. Also, she has started acting very nice to my family, so I have a feeling she is going to ask to reconcile very soon. It was intimated by another person close to us that is what is going to happen.

Welcome to sucker's builders where you can drink all the kool aid you want.

However at marriage builders the BH is never told to not talk about the affair.

The BH is to have every fact about the affair that they want to know be revealed by their WW.

The BH is cautioned with think before they ask because once a question is answered the answer can not be unheard.

Once the BH has heard all and had the answers explained there is no longer any point to talk about the affair. To heal from the affair it has to left behind allowing the memories to fade.

Continued talking about the affair will only keep those memories fresh in your and your WW's mind. Triggering and upsetting both of forever.

So you want some more kool aid, or you had enough of that stuff?

Is this house owned or rented by the OM's parents?

Or is there any friend or relative to the OM that lives or onws that house?

Does OM still own the house but moved and is renting it?

Then there are still reasons for the OM to show up there from time to time.

Then even if there is no one or way the OM can be connected to that house to bring the OM. There will still be triggers because every time you see OM's house it will force you to remember OM and the affair. Specially when you find out that WW and OM spent time there together.

WW's parents can come and visit your home all the want. G parents want to entertain you and your family then they wil have to buy a new house and move.

Called consequences for having an affair.

And that my good sir is the cold hard truth. In other words Road is right, if the grandparents want to get all mad about you protecting their marriage then their anger should be directed at your wife who had the friggin' affair. If not X them out of your life.

Hmmmmm... this is not resistance to plan A?

I am not so eloquent with putting forward the plans and the advice of MB. I'm really just proposing the advice I've read and seen on here many times. I cannot say that it has worked for me in my experience, so you can take anything I say with a pinch of salt. That is fine by me.

I'm sorry if you misunderstood what I wrote. It was clarified in a post above. You get all the details about the affair that you need and then when you move into recovery, you AVOID talking about the affair.

But really all this is irrelevant as you so rightly pointed out. You are in an involuntary plan B and really there is nothing you can do until that has been removed and/or the divorce has been nullified.

The best advice I have for you in light of that is to focus on yourself at this time. Take care of yourself physically and mentally. Get a new custody order for your daughter sorted ASAP and start living life now.

Well yesterday came and went without a resolution. There was definetely some 'kicking the tires' behaviour from my wife, though. My gut feeling is that if I want to try and work this out, I have to somehow convey to her that the door is possibly open...ie- show her a way home, etc...
There is another mediation session coming up soon, I'm thinking of showing her some attention, eye contact, and maybe saying something about the possibility of a reconciliation.
Thoughts?

Like not talking about it does any good. I'm forced to think about it, but she isn't? I don't think so.

The program works great, for those who've worked it.

There's no requirement that a betrayed spouse recover their marriage after an affair. But if they want to, this program teaches how to do it.

And this forum exists to teach the program.

I think I'd advise your Ex to stay far away from you.