Congratulations, litigator! Hope ya didn't beat my firm
That's what I like about you!



This is SO SAD, but I am very proud of your son for handling it the way he is. He's being honest about his feelings, not getting pressured into expressing something he doesn't feel. Ugh, but it's got to hurt him - and you too - watching him suffer. It's one of those things you wish you could protect them from.

This isn't quite the same thing, but my daughter has been filled with grief over losing her kitty. It breaks my heart to see her so bereft, and all I can do is hold her while she sobs. I can't bring her kitty back, but I can offer her my love. It's so hard to watch your children lose something irreplaceable.

You know, I'll bet your son will be a GREAT DAD someday.

Thanks Zhamilia! It's amazing how much of DS's sadness has dissipated already, he's on to a wistful stage. So it isn't as bad in some ways as when he was sad, but the problem is that unreasonable wishes can leave a person to feel constantly lacking. I haven't quite figured out a way to help him through this, other than gentle honesty. So when he wished about his dad coming to soccer games, I said, yes, that would be nice, but where dad lives now is too far away for him to see your games every week. And he's been worried about death a lot lately, and what happens after. I don't know how related that is to his dad leaving or if it's just developmental for a five year old.

Sorry for your daughter's loss--how old is she? It is never easy to watch our kids learn the hard lessons about life.

Thanks for checking in on me, Zhamilia. Sometimes it's hard to be a participant here while I'm just in plan D, it's not nearly as interesting as plan A or B and doesn't garner much support. Maybe I should move my thread? But I still feel like I'm surviving the affair...it's about blooming where I'm planted now.

Jen, I don't have kids and you may want to take this with a grain of salt. But if I was in your shoes... I would not want to make any excuses for your WH's absence to your DS5. Lets face it, a WS is pretty used to making their own excuses let alone a BS doing it for them! I would simply reply that "yes, it would be nice for you if he was here, I wish he was here for you".

And I think you should remain in SAA for a while longer. Don't underestimate your input here... I am reading and I bet so are many others.

I, too, have thought of moving my thread. I will wait for the official D papers and then do it. I still think the occasional update on SAA helps many others in SAA though. I can think of many updates I followed post-D. For personal and marital recovery.

I am curious though... why after experiencing adultery in your second marriage... do you not enter and remain in Plan B?

Jennifer I have 3 young children and I don't lie to them about their mother.
I have made it clear to them that mommy left us to live with OM. And I just leave it at that.

Please don't misunderstand and think I've lied to or misled DS, or excused HAM's behavior and choices. DS knows it was dad's choice to move away, that dad moved away to be near OW, that it's wrong because mommy and daddy are still married, and even that dad could move back (he even knows we have an empty house he could move into if he was going to pay the bills there). But the soccer game his dad came to DS didn't know he'd be there so he was just pleasantly surprised, and I want him to know that won't likely happen again.

FYI.
I posted a Parallel parenting custody agreement in the parallel parenting / notable posts thread from State of Indiana.
In case you wanted to look at it for custody agreement language

I think you handled this just right for your five year old. He will always want his Dad to "surprise" him when he needs his approval/involvement/love (probably for many years), and your gentle honesty sounds perfect to me.

Good point about death, and it may be both his Dad & his age.

I am glad you are still here posting and writing! I remember your radio show last (January? Dec?) - and how hard you've fought to get to this place.

Have a great week!

So, not a ton going on, but figure I'd give a brief update. HAM visited DS again this weekend. The girls really respond poorly to him, but in an aloof way. He came up during 11yo DD's soccer game, and as DS was crawling on him, DD2 got into my lap with her back facing him and started playing with my phone. Later, during DS's game, Dd1 moved away from him and kept playing with my hair and saying how pretty it is. At the end of the game, she didnt go up to do the parent tunnel and dd2 grabbed my hands, neither wanting to risk getting paired with him. I didn't either. But, I know it was good for DS, and the girls and I had a great evening together.

I've been sick, and that is a bit of a struggle as a single parent, but I manage as well as I can. Overall, things are still going well. We do have to negotiate the end of the divorce, and I'm struggling a bit with some things, like will HAM be responsible enough to have DS by himself, and how would DS handle being away for long periods of time? HAM didn't look quite so scraggly this time, seemed more together than he had been. I don't know if there is much use in fighting on the visitation issue...I'd hate to fight a losing battle. So I'm trying to come to some peace on it all.

Oh, I guess there was one funny irony...HAM's computer was stolen last week. As a friend said, karma....the computer is what got him into this mess in the first place.

He's out of state. He will probably slowly phase out of the kids lives.
Go with standard order, every other weekend.
One month in summer.
He is responsible for transportation.
Will he agree to that?
Are you negotiating pro se with his atty or him directly?

Thanks HDW. I have been debating fighting for restrictions on his visitation because of his depression and erratic behavior.

WH and I spoke last night about visitation, and are fairly close too an agreement. I want to know where he is staying when he comes to town and what his child are arrangements will be when DS is with him and he's working. I also wanted his summer visits to be in smaller chunks, and he agreed to that, but wants six weeks total (I offered two two-week visits). I asked him about the girls as well, because they were bothered by his last visit. He denied responsibility for their feelings and said it was because I lied to them and told them he was having an affair, which he insists he wasn't. Whatever, I just ignored it. I did say I'm not going to be willing to let the divorce finalize until we know the extent of the financial damage to me so it can be accounted for.

It will be nice to have all this behind me.

So today at church, a friend (father figure style) was talking about his wife in such loving terms...not on a pedestal, but as his companion through thick and thin. I got a bit teary eyed, I feel robbed of that opportunity for companionship, at least anytime in the foreseeable future. I intend to follow Dr. Harley's advice of not entering a new romantic relationship until my kids are grown, but it feels like its going to be a long 13 years.

to you Jen. I completely understand how you feel. I feel a touch of sadness at various events where there are families and/or couples.

You can be proud knowing you are a good mother.

Did he specifically tell you to wait 13 years?
I thought he recommended 2 years post divorce

No, on the radio show I was on, he specifically said he recommended that, as a single parent, with all the challenges of blended families and confusion for kids, that I shouldn't even try to have another relationship and just concentrate on the kids. There was a long discussion about it on Scotty's thread, too.

Thanks, happyfuture! I do concentrate on the parenting and am doing pretty awesome...girls got straight As, one just was at a weekend church conference,the weekend was filled with fun: Saturday market, soccer games, powwow, fundraiser dinner for my work, birthday party, church...busy and fun, with lots of time with friends.

I do think I might take the little guy to a counselor...he keeps worrying about me dying or leaving.

Jen, It is normal for young children to worry about you leaving after one parent has left the home. My DS7 became anxious about me leaving, I kept reassuring him that I chose to stay home, I chose to be with him. I thought telling him I loved him wasn't enough reasurance as his father had loved him before he left. Counselling is a great idea.

to you for being such a wonderful mother. The children are lucky to have you ... a stable sane parent

Thanks for your perspective, HF, I'll definitely try that and I'm going to put a call in to the counselor I've taken the girls to and see what she thinks.

Yesterday I had some good talks with a coworker yesterday and reflection. I'm actually very glad at this point that HAM is out of my life. I can give the kids what they need, do what I need, and really have life back on a positive track. I am fortunate.

I feel the same way Jennifer.
Sometimes it is like a breath of fresh air to get out of a toxic relationship

Haven't posted in a bit so figured I'd pop in for a quick update! I'm feeling so good and peaceful these days. I'm not in plan B but it certainly did the trick of getting me past that frustration over not knowing what was going on in HAM's messed up heart. I do still think of him a lot, daily I'll admit, but I am no longer wanting my situation to be different. Now I'd just like to get the divorce done as quickly as possible! My attorney is still being useless on that front. And yesterday I beat him in court...time to fire him and take this over, I think.

What types of interactions are you having with your WH? If you insist on keeping in contact with him, I would suggest emails, and do as Schoolbus would often advise and answer with only 5 words. I still would suggest PB. Take care of yourself, and those babies.