X2

(i forgot to add in about your strong children)

Thanks Brainhurts, it's a shame the A is so entrenched that their stand will not have the same impact as it may have had closer to DDay. At least there is some "resistence" to the A and hopefully it will start making some dents.

It saddens me to see the damage to their relationship but hopefully the benefits of personal growth outweighs this. Its amazing how a wayward's personal character traits can change, how someone can be a loving devoted father pre A and not be able to see the damage their behaviour causes during the A.

I have had to lodge a formal application for spousal maintenance at court as he has refused all requests via lawyer, won't even agree to arrangements I have secured with the bank re his defauting. The Affidavit notes he "was and is having an affair with a co-worker" and left the family home to live with OW. There is some solace in knowing that the A has been officialy recorded as the reason for our seperation. On a sad note the judge did not see the threat of foreclosure grounds for an interim without notice order, but at least reduced his time to respond to 3 days. She will review the application in 4 weeks and a hearing date has been set in 5 weeks time.

At least the consequences are "starting to fall", hopefully this will cause LB and impact waywardville.

Apologies Logan's Run I missed your earlier post.

To be honest I've has more downs than ups ... I should have posted here, the support would have been helpful but I cocooned instead. I've tried to stay strong for the children and help them through the grief of loosing their grandmother. The have had so much grief, loss and trauma in less than 1 yr. Having said that they are amazing and I am very proud of them.

I miss my mother, she had become a close confidant, someone I could talk to 24/7 and not feel I was burdening. She was always willing to listen and to her credit she never badmouthes Isildur although she hated the devastation his actions had caused. I know she struggled with the pain he inflicted on me and the children and his lack of concern. She would often say "I wish I could shake him back into reality" She also struggled with his out of character behaviour.

Although I'm moving forward I still struggle with the loss of my husband (the man I knew loved, admired and respected) and a marriage I valued. It has been hard reconciling who he is at the moment with the man he used to be. I think facing mum's illness and death has heightened the emotions. It was painful to think he couldn't support the children or be there for me.

Receiving communication from his lawyers the day mum died was tough. I've been trying since March to finalise the Separation Agreement (based on what he offered) so to receive communication which not only reniged on the intitial agreement but was worse didn't help. I couldn't believe he would intruct his lawyer knowing mum was critically ill and fighting for her life.

The following day I received a demand from the bank wanting the arrears (Isildur's defaulting) repaid. I have spent the last 3 weeks negotiating with the bank and trying to access funds to repay the arrears.

For the first time I removed my wedding ring and wore it on my right hand ... this only lasted a short time maybe an hour.... I didn't even recall replacing it on the correct finger. I even reconsidered my feelings about reconciliation ... how could I reconcile with a man who showed no concern during my mother's illness and passing? Fleeting thoughts but they were the first I had considered this avenue.

I tried to remain level headed and not base any decision on my reaction to my mother's death.

I think apart from loving the man he was and understanding the pyschology of waywards, something inside of me is not ready to close the possibility of reconciliation when the A ends. I know he had poor boundaries around OW and our marriage was not affair proofed but it was a happy marriage that I valued and he was a wonderful loving husband and father. It would be so much easier if I didn't have a marriage I valued or he was a neglectful husband/father with IB.

I am growing each day and amazingly still keep finding inner strength but I still feel the pain.

My nails have been many colours .... even colours I would not normally wear.

No worries Happy.

Your post leaves me at a loss for words. With the pain of the devastating effect of the affair in adition to loosing your mom, i cannot even imagine having to go thru that. Yet you sound so strong. I have found such strength being a mom. If it was not for my little ones, i might have curled up into a hole and faded away. They are my saving grace. They must be for you. We are truly blessed.

In addition to the BS surviving the affair, we have to work through the loss of a dream (hopes, the future, of our marriage). Whether the marriage was happy or full of turbulence, it is still a loss.

Have you done any IC? I am, it is helping and my current workbook (assigned by my IC) that I have been assigned is dealing with losses. If the mods allow, maybe I can post the name of the book for you. It might aid in your healing.

Happy, thanks for the updates, and sorry for all you and your children have been through. Sometimes the strength we find in ourselves is just in making it through one bad day after another. Once we get through, we can look back and see the power in the journey.

I haven't really heard anyone talk about this, or if it is even a valid form of protection, but this is what I have done.

I logically get how adultery is an addiction. I have read about how it works with the brain, and it makes absolute sense. During my substantial reading I read about addiction (all forms) because it was something I never fully understood. Like your WH, my xWH is really really really bad and getting worse with time. We have many kids and now he sees them one or two days every couple months. Several of my children are sick, and have had some extremely traumatic events that would shake a healthy father to their core, yet my xWH wasn't phased one bit and has DONE NOTHING to console or help the children heal. He is a real and I mean real POS today.

That being said ... every single addiction follows this same path. The more the HIGH wears off, the more lengths the addict will go to get that HIGH. As my xWH follows the script ... it looks to be the case. He is mirroring the true (extremely addicted) person.

Granted I am in Plan B, but over the past several months we have had court and a bunch of crap with this that has put him and I in the same room (with our lawyers). All I have to go by is how he is treating our children because I never speak to the guy or even see him unless we are in court.

I don't think about reconciliation one bit anymore. The only reason is because I am putting my xWH in the category of deeply messed up addict. Someone who does what he has done to our children has to be messed up (FUBAR) in the brain. He has to want to fix himself before he can even begin being healthy for my children and I. My xWH is bad, and as time continues he gets worse. He is not even close to the man he once was ... he is just a shell ... and really really F'd UP!!!!

I will never ever make excuses for this deplorable behavior out of him. He owns this 100%, but I do have compassion. If in time he decides to clean himself up, and get the help he desperately needs, then I would take him back.

I no longer wait around for him, and actually finally just hit the spot of enjoying dating. I have had a couple of dates with some really great guys. It may be too late already for my xWH, because I have zero expectation he will pull his head out of his rear.

That being said, my compassion and empathy still run deep for him. I am human. I loved this man deeply. All I want for him now is to become a good and decent man. My kids need that, and I want my children to have a good father. His behavior has been some of the worse I have seen out of a wayward, but my ability to forgive (have compassion & empathy) are still trumping his horrific actions. I hope that means I have grown.

To end this long drawn out post ... I simply put my xWH in the category of addict. Today he is entrenched in a dark, depressed world where he is trying to escape all forms of reality, responsibility, and accountability. As you know a place many addicts enjoy hiding out. Maybe it is still the wrong approach, but I do feel somewhat sorry for him and his life because all I know is it is a very lonely place to be.

No matter what ... he knows he had a wife and many many children that loved and adored him beyond anything in this world. Someday he will remember this and I am 100% positive (beyond a shadow of a doubt) he will regret this as the biggest mistake of his life.

Logan's Run - It has been tough, like you my children have been my saving grace and have given me the strength. The kindness others have shown has also helped, although at times when dealing with wayward behaviour this kindness has brought a tears to my eyes. I can understand regardless of the quality of the marriage it is still a loss. I just feel if I didn't value my marriage or my husband hadn't been a wonderfull, loving caring H pre A it may be easier to let go of what I had. I was content with my life, marriage and family and felt blessed pre A. I have been going to IC which has also helped me come to terms and deal with the trauma.

Jen - you are spot on. Sometimes we need to focus and appreciate the strength we have getting through each bad day. There are times where it is overwhelming, yet like you say when you look back over the journey you can see the progress we make.

Lovinmykiddos - It is painful watching the impact on our children. I'm sorry your children have had to face traumatic experiences without his support. Its sad waywards become so detached. I'm glad you have been able to move forward with your life.

I've spent the last few weeks trying to access funds to pay the arrears on our mortgage. I've also been actively looking at returning to the workforce.

Isildur's lawyer wanted to delay the hearing date for spousal maintenance as she has a 2 day hearing on the same date. My lawyer refused on the grounds that the matter was urgent, simple and there was time to instruct an agent. We agreed to bringing the date forward.

The court's only available date was next Monday but Isildur is unavailable on that day as he will be in Noumea. This trip supports his claim "not financially viable" and his associated stress. Hopefully 7 nights in Noumea will relieve that stress ... nice to know the money he refuses to contribute to the mortgage, rates etc is being well spent

Sadly yet again his behaviour shows how hardened Isildur has become. How can he justify this trip knowing how dire mine and the children's circumstances are. Isidur is the complete oppposite of my H. He has lost his integrity, identity and his soul. It is really painful knowing he will be in Noumea whilst I struggle to meet payment of our joint expenses, mine and the children's expenses and he intends to defend my spousal maintenance claim. The frustrating thing is my claim is only for my share of our joint expenses and is short term (we don't have long term or ongoing payments here) and he has the means to pay .... he is on an senior executive wage.

"he is the complete opposite of my husband"

When my wife went absolutely "wayward" It was suggested I view her as an alien that took possession of my wife. And it helped me a lot in plan b to view her that way.

But the truth is our former spouses aren't posessed by aliens or other devious creatures. My ex wife IS the same woman. Your husband IS the same man. They CHOOSE to BEHAVE and ACT in a different manner.

I'm not familiar with your journey. But sometimes we go through terrible times. The Psalmist declared that God was with him even as he walked through the shadow of death.

Infidelity is a terrible thing to experience. I've experienced it as you have and it breaks my heart. But as I write this I look at my children in bed and am so thankful they are healthy, and I see hope for our family even though their mother has left.

Everyone has challenges in life. For some it may be infidelity. For some, like my uncle, it was beig held prisoner and executed. I received a letter in the mail from an organization with pictures of starving children in Africa. There is so much evil in this world. Edmund Burke once said "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing"

Evil surrounds us. And people fall to the lure of it all the time. My wife did. Your husband did. They weren't posessed by aliens that made them do it, they chose to.

All that we can do for our children is to be on guard against the evils of this world and endeavor to "keep the course," as the Apostle Paul said and not allow ourselves to fall into evil. Jesus taught us to pray the lords prayer and ask God to "Deliver us from evil"

So glad your children have one sane parent in their life.

((((happy))))

HDW - Yes they make their choices, they change their beliefs to suit their choices, they re write and denigrate but their personality and characteristics change also. It's hard reconciling their behaviour with the person they were when it is the so out of character. I wonder sometimes how many challenges we must endure for me it is the infidelity and recent loss of my mother. What I struggle with is not only the enablers, conflict avoiders but the lack of holding waywards accountable, even the law appears to depend on how it's defined and applied... it's not always fair, just or moral.

BH - as always thanks for your support... I do appreciate it

Is it common for waywards to continue to deny the A even in Court documents or proceedings? I suppose it is part of the wayward mindset, but are they really willing to commit purjury to maintain the fantasy? Isildur is defending my claim for spousal maintenance. It's amazing the inaccuracies and distortions of the truth. Do they really believe their b/s or is it part of their justification and entitlement? Seems like his memory has suffered as well, seems to have confused dates, even our car is suddenly "younger". Amazingly my budget is not consistent with expenses during our M, apparently we didn't purchase clothing for the children .... wonder what they were wearing all those years. I only hope the judge can see the fogbabble.

Oh happy, I really feel for you with the challenges you are facing. Being betrayed is made so much more difficult because of the enablers, social views and the law. Know that you are meeting these challenges with integrity and grace. Your children are learning from you, you truly are passing on invaluable life lessons.


I, too, am going through the difficulty of reading each solicitor letter that Gollum uses to defend his waywardness and pour out his entitled "woe is me" mindset. I have learned to be grateful for Plan B, because Gollum is certainly using the solicitor venue to justify, explain and blameshift. I can't imagine the turmoil I would be in if I was on the receiving end of this directly.

I have recently been thinking how odd it is that each letter I have received, I initially read in disbelief... surely he is not still the same... surely he will come to his senses and recognise how evil he has become. But no... he simply continues. I think Gollum will learn his lessons very late, if at all. I pity him for that. I see how I have learned and grown... whereas he has regressed and stagnated.`

As for twisting and having memory lapses. Gollum has been a humdinger for that. It is amazing how he can recount a conversation word for word to his solicitor when it might give him an advantage, but anything that undermines his POV... ignored.

When he got my date of birth wrong... I realised he has become the falling down drunk, at the height of his addiction. I can remember my old schoolfriend's DOB that I haven't seen for over a decade, so his forgetting mine suggests a lot to me.

He has also discounted the fact that I saw a marital asset after he allegedly sold it... he has produced a receipt from a friend to back up his selling it, so is now prepared to have his friend perjure himself on his behalf.

It took me a long time to accept that a wayward will stop at nothing for their own benefit. As for wanting the wayward to acknowledge the A... Gollum never really has. Even when he admitted to having an OC recently... no mention of an A or adultery or skank.

My thoughts have shifted. I no longer want to understand or explain Gollum's behaviour. He is choosing to do what he is doing, and he can live with that. As much as I hate who he has become and what choices he has made, I am very sad that he could not fix what he broke, and now will not have the chance... I pity him.

To try to make a point out of all of my jumbled thoughts of late... I realised trying to understand a wayward's thought processes and boundaries was not helping me. A wayward's thoughts and boundaries will shift, just as an addicts do, to ensure they get their fix.

Once they cross the moral line, the rest becomes a slippery slope.

Isildur will make his choices, and suffer the consequences. Distract yourself from wondering about his wayward consequences, and just let them fall as they may. Make your choices based on the consequences for you and your family, and what is right.

And know that each time you are shocked or disappointed by a wayward's actions, it is because you have good boundaries, morals and integrity.

It's good to have you back, I always welcome your words of wisdom and appreciate your support ... glad you enjoyed your China trip.

When faced with continous challenges & the "evil" of A it's nice to be reminded that I have remained true to myself and maintained my integrity,grace and more importantly been a positive role model for my children. I tend to overlook the self growth as a I deal with a hardened wayward.

It's sad his actions still inflict so much pain for the children and I. Refocusing on the positive ... it validates the marriage and family we had pre A. We still have love and compassion for Isildur, we have mourned the loss of what we valued and remained loyal to those values.

I think (certainly in my case)recovery during Plan B is made so much harder by the protracted legal issues ... a consequence of wayward behaviour the BS endures. I have spent the last 8 months trying to formalise through lawyers the offer he made 11 months ago. During that time he has walked a path of destruction and become a hardened wayward, inflicting pain along the way.

A rational mind would question why they delay and create more problems if they are so happy and have moved forward. It seems waywards also have difficulty letting go but are motivated by different reasons ... they like to maintain control and even negative behaviour somehow satisfies an EN and maintains a connection with the BS.

Yes waywards make their choices it's a shame they are unable to accept ownership for their choices. Iam amazed at the decline of Isildu'r character, intergrity and morals with each new challenge he presents. I know when he eventually faces reality he will struggle with his behaviour and the consequences of his appalling behaviour, this will be his pain to bear.

My struggle is no longer trying to understand wayward behaviour but dealing with the impact his choices have on the children and I. So much has come to light recently that validates my concerns, suspicians and instinct. The legal process seems to reveal some new painful detail such as discovering Isildur & PEGI set off today for 7 nights in Noumea.

It's hard accepting he can spend the money on this holiday but continues to refuse to pay his share of the mortgage and related joint property expenses. He is defending my claim for spousal maintenance based on his inability to pay maintenance but is holidaying abroad. He has even transferred the blame for our current financial situation although this is not the case.

Happy, sorry you're stuck in this protracted legal battle and faced with Isuldur's lies. I had a lot of nasty letters from my exhusband in our divorce, he accused me of so many things (even his family wrote letters on his bahalf with crazy accusations, like that I hadn't been a good enough provider). In the end none of his insanity prevailed. I think waywards are so out of touch with reality...they believe their own twisted explanations and self justifications and assume everyone else will, so they aren't even very careful to make it make sense.

I'm dealing with all the delays in the divorce and have to keep reminding myself that this too shall pass.

I really value the MB family, when things reach a low point you receive valuable support, help to refocus on the positives and reminders of the progress we have made. to MBers.

Jen,thanks for restoring some faith/hope in the process. You are right being out of touch with reality they lack the ability to see their justifications don't make sense.

Isildur has claimed my budget is inflated compared to pre separation ... one of his justifications we didn't purchase clothes for our children . I don't know what they have been wearing all these years ... maybe it's a case of the "Emperor's New Clothes"

Came across a great quote I thought was appropriate for MB

"Strong people stand up for themselves, stronger people stand up for others"

Just back from DS7 school fair/gala. He had a great day despite the weather .... after a week of sunshine it rained.

Felt sad after the fair though, seeing lots of father's with their children and lots of families ... this used to be us.

I know it's a combination of everything, DDay on the horizon, mum's death, the legal stuff but it has been a real emotional rollercoaster.

Tomorrow is the anniversary (not really a great word) of his bomb drop when out of the blue and the first he'd ever expressed he was unhappy or there was a problem, he announced "our marriage wasn't working and he didn't know if he still loved me" ... of course it wasn't working he'd introduced a third person into it!

Your sadness is natural, and normal.

It takes a while to get used to seeing others with what we had, and thought we had for life given we had made vows to that effect. But it does get easier.

I was with a friend today whose DDay is coming up... she is worried. I encouraged her to plan something that will replace a bad memory with a good. It may take effort on her part to enjoy this day... but the following year she will have a pleasant memory.

What can you do for yourself tomorrow happy... even a small indulgence?

I help with DS7's class reading programme in the morning and then I'm helping with their swimming class in the afternoon. I'll have to plan some small treat, bigger dates to follow....Wedding anniverary on 23rd (our 21st) and DDay 26th which is the date scheduled for the spousal maintenance hearing.... just my luck

I guess I just have to dig deep and find some extra strength. Really tough at the moment, DS19 has his final exams and I've been trying to put on a brave face, he has no idea of whats going on ATM, if he knew he'd worry and I don't want it to impact his exams and chances of uni next year. The threat of foreclosure had a negative impact on his trials.