I could change my home phone number, but he seldom calls on that one. I can't change my cell as that is my work cell - refuse to carry two 24/7 and I can't change that number for work reasons - everyone has that number.

Best I can do is just not answer, not respond, etc.

You say that he will call me when he starts having problems with the new marriage. I wonder the same. For the sake of the innocent fiance and her two little kids, I hope I'm wrong. I've just watched him too many times and 6 months is way too soon to be jumping into marriage. Per him she's pushing the date and said she knows what she wants and doesn't see the need to wait. Don't know if that's true or not. With us it was him pushing, pushing, pushing. I wanted to wait two years, but he kept pushing until I gave in.

I have thought about joining a running group that I actually ran with a couple of times. Might look into that seriously. There are some other meet up type clubs as well, but I am shy and don't have a single girlfriend that I could get to go with me. Seems that when you're single the rest of your world is married.

At the very least block his number so you don't see him trying to make contact at all.

Can you change your number and send your work list/customers the new number? Every time he breaks through you will start the healing process all over.

Why does he contact you for now anyway?

I've tried over the last few weeks to limit contact - not initiating - since I found out that he was dating.

He will call out of the blue to ask a question about insurance or the deadline on a tax return or some other such question.
Yesterday he called me and we had a LONG conversation that ended in the usual argument over why we could never fix our issues.
He told me that he had tried for so long and then that he loved me and wished that we were the ones getting married, but that he knows that isn't going to happen so he's making the best of the situation.

There are too, too many people in and outside of my organization that would make putting the new number out too difficult.

I just can't imagine him continuing to call after the marriage so worst case he'll call up to the wedding and then that's it.

He will continue to call with "reasons".

Will you at the least block him?

Do you enjoy him calling you?

Life, plan b would really help in your healing. In the 10 years since you divorced it does not sound like you have healed, as you continue contact with him and you are still emotionally attached to him.

The comment you made that worried me was "I just want to find someone myself and move on". Do you feel that you need a man in your life to feel complete?

Brainhurts,
In a twisted way, yes I do enjoy the calls. I don't enjoy the outcome, but it is nice to hear a male voice on the other end of the phone that isn't related to me by blood. Stupid? I can answer that one - YES.

Logans_Run,
Need man to be complete - No. 95% of the time I am very content with my singleness. About 5% of the time I feel that it would be nice to have a man in my life. Not necessarily to be engaged or married to, but to have a male companion to go places with, share interests with, etc. I don't have that, in large part due to my XH as he would always start accusing me of being interested in any man whose name I said more than 2-3 times in his presence!
I actually have very few friends and none that I do things with outside of work. I have my immediate family - sister, niece, etc. - but that's it. I've done that to myself.
So no, don't need one, but would like one in my life as a companion to accompany me to events, etc.

I can tell you that I get a sense of peace when a few days have gone by and I don't talk to him. He is a cup is half empty kind of person in that he is always complaining about something: he doesn't feel good, his son made him mad, had an argument with a customer, had a hard time with a clerk at a local store, having an issue with a vehicle or piece of equipment. Always something.

So, when I don't talk to him it is very peaceful. I have a hectic life at work, but much slower pace at home. Just me and DD.

I just have a hard time letting go of the dreams, but know that reality with him is far from the dreams I had when I entered the relationship. It IS time to move on and maybe him getting married is the only way I can do it.

The best way to do it would be plan B I think
If you don't plan B you may still remain emotionally attached to him even after he gets married

I don't believe (based on a post of your further up) that he will stop calling once he's married. It doens't sound like he's getting started on a very good foot with the marriage. As Dr. Harley says: once he's married, the biggest source of his problems will be his wife (and him hers). Expect the contact to increase.

You better have a plan in place. or else you're looking at 10 more years of this same pattern. - not a good thing to teach your dd -

opt

So what are you going to do to make sure you don't talk to him?

If he still has an avenue to contact you, I think you will give in and talk to him.

I think you should move out of the town your ex is in and make a fresh start.

Stop talking to AND ABOUT your ex. You have talked a lot about what you are going to do/should do FOR YEARS and then nada. You won't be kicking yourself if you STOP wondering about your ex and his life.

Sorry to be harsh but you allow this misery.

No offense taken. I rely on folks here to say what needs to be said and to state the obvious. Hard sometimes to see clearly when you're in the middle of a situation.

Selling a house and buying in another part of town is an option, however I don't know where I want to be at this point. I've looked at selling and may lose as much as $30,000 when I do.

I'm not sure where I want to be so I have stayed here as it is safe, convenient, inexpensive.

Yes, I have talked about this for years and a part of me is glad that he is taking this step as that will shut the door - at least for me. I'm not interested in maintaining a relationship with him after he marries or even right now.

The whole situation just really hurts and I get angry with myself when I look at all that has happened yet still talk to him. I need to re-read Plan B and start making some progress toward that.

Just don't talk to him anymore.
It's a withdrawal process.
I feel your pain.
If in doubt you can email Dr Harley for advice and he will answer your question

The "Start Making Progress Toward...." is problematic language. Rarely does it hold. People start making progress towards many things - smoking addiction, dieting, fixing their porches; and things never get done for real.

I suggest making a plan and starting it all at once, and radically...with abandon. Think of possible scenarios and what actions you will take (or not take) in response. Write it all down. Let others know what you are up to so there can be some accountability - get some support as you are recognizing you need help in this area and your current approach is not working and is not healthy.

After they have their nuptuals, I would expect you could put an end to the contact with a phone conversation with the new wife about any further calls. I think Dr. H would agree with this type of thing -- he had suggested my fiance speak with my ex about why we got divorced...

opt

BR is right. I think you should look at it again. Make it a project to focus on. Find a house suitable you can afford. Don't be so sure you will lose money -- you never know what can happen, unless you don't try.
In the big scheme of things, several thousand is worth your sanity and opportunities to get into a better (possibly more lucrative) plane of living. Once your head is clear and creativity starts flowing, 30k is nothing!



opt

There is a part of me that wants to call the second ex-wife. I now believe that he most likely did the same thing to her that he is now doing to me. Texting, calling, making comments that could be construed as him still being in love w/me, etc.

My biggest thought though is: WHY?? He is getting married in 25 days. Why would he do that? To what end?

If he did continue to call me after the wedding and I called his wife I would be very afraid of what he would do to me.

He's a real piece of work that one!! I feel very sorry for the fiance as she has no clue who this man is. Right now she is so head over heels and he is on his best behavior. He's wooing her kids, he's leaving her little notes on the car, cards, texting her that he loves her, etc. I know because he did the same with me. He is going to turn her world upside down. If he doesn't, I will be very surprised. This is the same man that was already having an affair when we celebrated our one year anniversary and I married him after having known him only 7 months. I didn't know it until about 3 months later. I just knew that something was wrong and I blamed myself.

I have been looking at houses online. I just have to make sure that I am making financially sound choices as I am just a few years from retirement and want to ensure that I am debt free at that time. I would be if I stay where I am.

My gut tells me that this isn't the last house I will own, but I don't have a gut feeling about where I want to move to. I don't want to make a rash decision that I will regret. I bought this house under duress and did it as quietly as I could because I didn't want him to know what I was doing. I made a mistake in the amount I paid for it because I was too concerned about what he would do if he found out.

You can't control The actions of other people.
Only your own actions.
I would like to share with you the Serenity prayer:

God, grant me the courage to change the things I can change,
The strength to accept the things I cannot change,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I'm feeling much better about the situation. Maybe this is what had to happen for me to close the door and move on with my life. A counselor once told me that for my sake I should be the door closer, but I didn't take that advice.
I still can't understand - but would like to - what his goal is when he is calling and texting me. Talking about the past, talking about how he tried to get me to come back but I wouldn't. I don't understand what he hopes to gain or what his intent is by doing this.
I don't want it to end bitterly.

Trying to figure out a wayward's thinking will make you crazy. He doesn't respect you because you've allowed him to continue using you to meet some small amount of EN. He won't respect the new wife either because has no boundaries and doesn't protect his LB by having OS relationships.

Please start respecting yourself and finally close that door and don't allow this for 10 more years.

Do you avoid conflict?
Conflict avoidance:the kiss of death

l2s,
From your descriptions and posts, he sounds like a person who doesn't understand the concept of having his EN's met by ONE person. Perhaps he doesn't think it is possible. Maybe he had bad modelling as a child (was his dad a philanderer?).
This may explain why he cheated on you almost immediately, and continues to develop and maintain a relationship with you while engaged to another woman. You are meeting some emotional need he has that he has also decided his fiance can't meet.

Just a theory. Maybe he's just one of those gregarious types that feels good when he has a lot of women around him/in his life (my late exFIL was like that).

Bottom line is, like JK says above. You can only control your own behaviors. That means you can only control how you respond to other's actions.
You also can't control peoples' RESPONSES to your actions -- if he becomes bitter or vengeful based on an action of yours, that is NOT YOUR FAULT, but a conscious choice he is making to act in that way.

The law is there to protect you from the agression of fellow citizens. I suggest you keep 911 (or the local police department) on speed dial if you are truly afraid for your safety based on his reactions to what you might or might not do. You can't control his actions, but you can protect yourself against them, and you must.

I also don't mind pointing out that you are now essentially the OW. And will be by definition in 24 days; if you continue to communicate with him on this level.

opt