Thank you MelodyLane! We listened to this clip too. It just makes me sad (and WH) that he will have to leave his job, but I know that even if OW is no longer working there, the workplace itself will be a trigger for me and jeopardize our recovery. He's talking to his principal tomorrow.

Glad they helped.

Dr. Harley recommends for a couple to take a vacation after this.

Recovery After an Affair

SM, what happened in his discussion with the principal? Did he quit his job? When is he getting out of there?

We are going to bed to talk.

SM, since your husband does not understand how crucial this step is, it will be up to you to protect yourself and make sure he follows extraordinary precautions. Working at a place where he can easily walk right next door and see the OW is a non starter. It will never work. He remains in the same environment where he had an affair and carried on flirtations with other women.

This is not even negotiable and if you want to remain married you are going to close this deal.

5 long years of hell.

There is no point in mailing a NO CONTACT letter if he has daily contact with her.
Basically, he's using the "professional / only work together " excuse. Others use the "we will stop having sex and just be friends" excuse.

At this point, if he refuses to leave his job and commit to never having contact with her for the rest of his life then you are in a false recovery.

These online courses you are ordering arent going to help your marriage until the affair is dead and its not dead until there is NO CONTACT.

I suggest you email the Radio Show for advice and start preparing to enter Plan B

I agree that the no contact letter is negated if he goes to work with the OW every day. However, if they signed up for the online program they don't have to email the radio. They have access to Dr Harley on the other forum.

The online course will help them because Dr Harley and their assigned coach will help them end the contact.

Update: LongHaul/WH quit his job as a teacher this Wednesday. He no longer works with OW!

He is also selling the motorcycle and has agreed to stop drinking. (The drinking wasn't a HUGE problem, but we don't want any issues.)

Main problem now is MIL. She has been blaming me for the affair since the beginning and doesn't agree with MB (exposure, quitting job). I don't mind that she disagrees, but she has been VERY vocal about it to me, my husband, and our daughters (11 & 14). I have asked her repeatedly to keep her opinions to herself, I've demanded it, argued about it, written a letter about it, etc. Nothing seems to change.

My H told her just yesterday that he WANTS to do everything he can to be with me (quit his job, sell his motorocycle, stop drinking), and that even if he can't get a job and we lose our house, AND I end up leaving him in 2 months anyway - he'll be glad for the additional 2 months with me.

Yesterday her attitude was STILL negative. She STILL questioned him asking how I was falling short in the marriage to cause the affair. She doesn't think her son is being a man.

I was really close to this woman (I thought). I am SO hurt by her actions. I am angry about her trying to turn my own children against me. My daughters have told me "Grannie seems like she wants us to be mad at you. Grannie is mean to you. Grannie acts like you are the one to blame for everything."

My oldest daughter is saying that she doesn't want to go to church because of Grannie. (MIL has been harping SO much on how I just need to pray and forgive, that it has turned DD14 off.)

At this point, I want no contact for any of us with her. My husband says nothing she says changes his mind, but I worry that if she starts saying these things on a day that he's feeling worried, or not as close to me, that it will be damaging. I also want him to be much more firm with her about what she's done.

I am very angry, but I really have been attacked by this woman. When she found out he was quitting the job, she called her best friend. Then the best friend called my husband to talk him out of quitting. They (MIL and best friend) have told me that I'm wrong to "drag the children" into this.

My question is - am I being too harsh to want little to no contact with MIL? I know it is his Mom, and I do know that she loves my girls. I don't know what to do. FIL has been great. Even though he probably doesn't agree (I don't know), he has only been encouraging and hasn't interfered.

Your marriage and your children are a package deal. Supporting your marriage and your families choices is a requirement of contact. It's really not that complicated for her to understand. It's your H's job to convey this information accurately to his dad and his mom.

I've been there! It's not a catch 22 for anyone... It's just a matter of what's best for your marriage.

I'm so exhausted.

LongHaul and I are arguing. I asked him to please post on the forums. He said he would.

We walked in here and started reading his old thread. He got angry on page 2 and refuses to post.

I feel like I need help. It can't just be me trying to talk to him and get him to change.

From those of you that have posted - does posting on the forums help? (This is mainly directed at former waywards - I know posting/reading here helps me.)

Other than he DID quit his job, I feel like we haven't made much progress since D-Day, which was 11/19.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. Progress will be made slowly.

Did you ever read Tarzan? When he first saw letters he did not know what they were. It did not take him a day, or a week, or a month, or a year, but very slowly he learned to read.

It will be like that with your recovery. It will take time. A lot of it, and a lot of care.

I'm upset.

LongHaul has agreed to talk to his parents, especially his mother.

He plans to write a letter explaining what we are doing (MB) and that he doesn't want them to say anything (positive or negative) about me.

It's a good start, but I also want him to communicate to MIL that she has mishandled this. I want him to point out to her that she has hurt me and the girls, and has damaged our marriage with her actions and words.

I tried to explain to him that I want him to protect us from her and that she needs to be told by him that what she has done/is doing is wrong. I can't describe why this is so important to me, but it is. Maybe it is because MIL has been continuously telling me that everything I'm doing is wrong. I want him to stand up for me.

He does not want to do this extra step. I don't know how to practice the POJA, because his current plan isn't enough for me. He says I want him to "attack" his mother (his words, not mine).

Because he doesn't want to do this step, he's committing LBs. He started talking about something my Mom did 4 years ago - again. When I realized that I didn't handle it correctly, I called my Mom and talked to her about it. I don't understand why he's bringing it up AGAIN. I mean, I could keep bringing up the affair too, but I didn't.

He's saying that it is "never enough" - words I've heard quite often the past several years.

I'm really at a loss for what to do, as I'm very upset and angry and I can see this heading down a bad (familiar) path.

SM, the solution is to do nothing until you BOTH arrive at an enthusiastic agreement. That means there is no contact until a decision is found.

As far as the issue with your mother, I say HUH?? Don't you folks have enough problems right now without muddying the waters with unrelated problems? Are you kidding me? Now you are bringing forth old grievances? MY GOD. Please stop it. He should not be bringing up unrelated, irrelevant issues from the past. When your house is on fire, you don't discuss the price of tea in china, you put out the fire.


He needs to be willing to do what it takes to help you heal. Is he not willing to do that?

I truly don't know.

I'm not sure if anything is any better. LH seems less angry today, so I suppose that is an improvement.

It got more heated last night while he writing his original post. I came into the room. When we were talking about his Mom, I was trying to explain how she treats me. The last argument I had with his Mom was in our driveway and very heated. WH said, "Well, when I drove up, all I saw were YOUR arms flailing around."

I tried to tell him that it wasn't all me, and I think he just repeated the above statement.

I inferred this to mean that he was blaming me for it. I had an AO (yelled) and told him that SHE isn't the victim here, I am. I just had to leave the room, I got so upset and didn't want to do anymore LBs.

He wanted me to read his first post last night, so I did. It was the FIRST time I'd ever seen/heard him say that he also wanted an apology from MIL. It makes me wonder how sincere he is about that.

He said writing everything down gave him clarity, so I do understand that. But then, when we went to bed, he started bringing up the 4-year old incident with my Mom again. I told him that I refused to be engaged in that nonsense. (This is how most of our arguments over the past years would escalate - he'd divert it to an attack on me, which then I would endlessly defend.)

There was a little more talk, but I just went to sleep.

It looks like he got up last night and posted more, which I am VERY grateful for and it looks like he got some really good advice.

I hope he really reads it closely, because one of the things he said this morning was that the current situation with HIS mother was what was muddying the waters. He admits he may be "twisting" that. OK...

But, then he started talking about how "other people" wouldn't go to the lengths that he has. It is one of the same themes he's always used when we argued - tries to tell me how good I have it.

Luckily he had to leave to take the girls to breakfast & school so that line of discussion didn't have to continue.

This weekend and Monday went so well. I started triggering on Tuesday (and didn't want SF). He became very distant from me, which just made me feel worse. Then later I suggested that we post/read the forums. He made a negative comment. I just don't have the patience for that attitude. I'm really glad that he posted anyway. I DO know he's trying, but sometimes I feel that he's "putting on a better face" on here than he is in person - to me. More "words", I suppose...

Then he called me on the way to work yesterday morning, which I really like. I mentioned that I didn't sleep well. He asked me, "Did you get up and get on the internet?" I said I didn't. Trust me...this was definitely a "loaded" question. He constantly complains about my internet time. The thing is, he'll admit that I'm "much better" than I used to be, but then still talk about all the nights he'd see me on the computer. (He could see me from the window while he was outside drinking for hours with "the boys". )

And I HAVE been on MB a lot since finding out about the affair. I have said that we can negotiate my time on the internet. I am definitely open to that. I have admitted that there were times BEFORE D-Day, when he'd come in from outside drinking and expect me to come to bed (SF), that I just wouldn't do it because I resented the feeling of being "fit in" his schedule. I agree this is an issue that needs to be addressed. I just feel that it is another way for him to "muddy" the waters when he brings it up during a totally unrelated topic. And he brings it up a LOT. I told him yesterday when he was talking about it - how would he like it if I brought up the A & 5 years of lies as often as he brings up my internet usage? It's like his "winning" card, if that makes sense.

Stronger ... LH knows your position on his mom. The goal is to not try and educate him or disrespect him because you have said your peace.

LH's action concerning his mom will be met by POJA. For now let it lie until POJA can properly be applied.

Same for internet....the time should come after all your UA time, which should between 20-25 hours/week.

Again negotiate this time with him. "honey how would you feel if I had so much time on the internet weekly/daily/hourly/etc.?"

Until you both come to an agreement it may need to be something that sits there.

About the affair ... it also needs to be put aside. Before it can are you 100% confident you know everything, you have 100% truth? If not get that ASAP, and then let the affair/his 5 years of lies be dead.

Resentment is the hardest pill to keep swallowing. It will take you years to get past it. For now take it daily...i.e. Longhaul healed me today by doing this. LH helped heal me today by doing that ... etc. In time it will lesson, but if and only if LH does his part in healing you.

The issue is you and LH have been expecting the other to sacrifice at each other's expense for years. This is continuing today because it worked for years in your marriage to win the argument. LH had the added manipulation, lies, and deceit to go along with it. So the added layer of resentment you feel is compounded. I can also see how your resentment for him can put you into that same place of ... "You owe me this BUSTER!!"

When that level of frustration comes and you want him to sacrifice for you dig way down deep and know this is the exact moment for POJA AND PORH. Try with all your might to start negotiations ... "Honey how would you feel ....?"

We took the girls on a weekend get-away. We had separate hotel rooms, so plenty of UA time.

I was feeling very sad, depressed on Saturday, but apparently hid it well until the evening.

LH has been very loving and helpful, and asked if there was anything else he could do.

Overall, I think it was a really good weekend. We didn't get to our online MB lesson like we should have, but hopefully we'll do some catch-up tonight.

I'm trusting that all the sad feelings will get better with time and working the MB program.

At this point, I do feel that LH is fully committed to helping me heal. I hope we are able to maintain the momentum.