I've gotten a couple of texts today and when I got home I saw that he had dug up old emails that he had sent and forwarded them back to me.
I haven't responded.
I had a great day and am feeling good about the situation. I know that I will probably have a few more meltdowns as 12/22 draws nearer, not because I miss the man, but because I'm grieving for all the dreams I had when the relationship was new.
But, life IS good. I do have to say that in all the time we were separated and then divorced, although on some level I could not let go, I never really wanted to put myself back into the mess I lived in with him.
Also, my daughter said I could go back if I wanted to, but it would be w/o her. She is strong and has seen what not to do. She isn't a pushover. I could never choose any man over her and I have not forced her to be around him at all even though he did adopt her. He now refers to her as my daughter or child, as in " I saw your child today". Or, "is your daughter at the house?"
Oh well. Life does go on.

When are you going to block his email and phone (since you refuse to change your contact information)? Do you want to live another 10 years like this?

I just don't get it!! He is getting married in 19 days.
Last wk, I sent a final email asking for forgiveness for anything I did wrong in our marriage and I wished him happiness and success in his new marriage.
Got some texts back about how he was so stupid all these yrs thinking there was a chance to fix our relationship when there wasn't and about how I should have been honest.
Then I get one about all the health issues he has and about how he isn't excited about the wedding or Christmas or anything else and told me not to respond as he didn't want me to lie about caring about his issues!
Then some snippy ones and then a "I always have, still do and always will love you." Then Thursday what was supposed to be a final one that said he read back over email and "I again realized ur wanting all to end w us n how u feel bad for me. I'll not bother you again. Uv made things clear w ur past actions n words. There won't be any more phone calls where U can hurt me again!! I hope ur happy w the path uv chosen and taht God does give you someone u can finally love. Goodbye Punkie Pie."
That was Thursday. I did not hear from him after that - until this morning. Emailed me a tax question. I answered back with the information he requested - no more, no less.
And I got back" "Gotcha! I appreciate u responding but sorry I bothered u. I'm done."
Then, "At least I can follow u n know how to do something with dignity (guess slap at me as I said I wanted to end the R with dignity.) Enjoy each other n y'all take care (guess he meant me and my daughter). I'll make sure to bring ur spreader back or will get brother to do when we're not here - along w/money. (He borrowed fertilizer spreader weeks ago and I knew he was waiting for an opportune time to bring it back. We've always purchased that together and he normally brings back soon so was figuring he would wait until he could make a statement with bringing it back.
What on earth is all this about? I want it to end? Did he not propose to someone and is he not getting married in 19 days? What could possibly be his motive? If the marriage doesn't work he'll have me waiting in the wings to take care of his paperwork? Or is he planning to keep me around in case he needs something? Or is he planning to continue talking to me until the day of the wedding and then cut off conversation?
I know him so well except for this part. I just don't understand how he could do this to his fiance. And, I'm now wondering if this is what he did to EW #2 as she was keeping his checkbook when we got married!
Boy have I been stupid!!

Because he knows you're still playing the game with him. He is manipulating you and you're letting him. He will continue as long as you keep allowing it.

Why don't you know you deserve better? He is just playing you. I wish you would close all contact with him.

Do you enjoy the drama?

No, I DON'T like the drama. Actually, that is one of the issues that has kept me from trying to reconcile w/him. There's always some issue brewing in his life: extended family, customer, supply store, child, etc.
These last few weeks of limited contact have been peaceful and I like it that way.
I guess I would like to understand the game he is playing as I never want to be here again for the rest of my life. I suppose though that it is a predictable ending to a marriage filled with manipulation.
What I don't understand is the righteous indignation from him about me wanting it to end when he is getting married in 2+ weeks! I also wonder if I would even know about that yet if someone else had not told me.
I am happy that this is ending and hope that I will be fortunate enough to have someone else in my life at some point. I'm a relatively happy person just about all the time. There are times though that I do miss having someone in my life. I enjoy traveling and seeing new things, even going to local events and wish I had someone to go with me. Around the holidays it's always bittersweet to be single, especially when everyone around you isn't.

You allow this in your life.
I strongly encourage you to visit a counselor with the goal of being able to emotionally separate from him.

The most effective way is to plan B.

Either that or agree to date him on the condition that he learn about MB principles. He'a not married yet. But as soon as he is married you should have no contact because as crazy as it sounds, you could actually end up being his affair partner

life2short, I find it ironic that your username is nothing like you. And yes you DO like the drama or else you wouldn't keep signing up for it.

I have a lot of emotions swirling around in my mind right now. The biggest though is seeing just how much he HAS NOT changed, although he has spent considerable time trying to convince me that he has.
So, no chance of reconciliation there.
No, I don't like the drama. I actually get nervous every time a text message pops up on my phone. Same if phone rings and it's private caller. I have to answer as this is how my reception staff phones appear. We have them blocked on outgoing calls so that those numbers are available in order to minimize calls to the front desk.
I am glad this is happening as I have been emotionally unable to extricate myself from this mess. Maybe this is how it had to happen. Trust me, I am glad.
Just the knowledge that he is doing this to someone else is sickening. I wish I had the guts to tell her what's going on, not to have another chance w/him but to keep him from destroying someone else's life.

There would be no harm in sending her a Facebook message.
Just keep it factual and avoid any disrespectful judgement s

Jedi_Knight,
I would never have the courage to contact her. I wish I did as I truly believe he will do to her what he did to me, but I am afraid of what he would do to me. He has her snowed and I have no doubt she would show him whatever I sent her. Sadly, this will happen and she will end up regretting it. Or, maybe he has learned from his past mistakes as he so often tells me. Recently, he told me that he had hoped I would be the one to be rewarded by how well he had learned from his mistakes!

I'm grateful to all who have responded back - even the 2x4s. I think we all have issues that, when read by others, are no brainers to solve. If we could all make the correct choices in a given situation, close doors, walk away this forum might not exist.

I am very comfortable in my current circumstances. I have an amazing DD, no debt except house, good health, good job, good retirement plans in place, some good friends although not close by, good family, great faith in God. I'm in a good place. I am lonely and my desire is to meet someone that I can spend the rest of my life with. I'm a young middle-ager! I love to travel and want someone with similar interests to spend time with and would eventually like to remarry. Maybe third time will be the charm. I just need to pay attention to red flags and take it slow - not allow myself to be manipulated into anything.

She would never believe anything anyway so it would be quite pointless but what about taking a leaf out of the MB book and tell her he has been contacting you? If you printed out and mailed one of his messages to her with a note saying that the contact leaves you feeling uncomfortable in the light of their marriage plans, she can hardly be anything but grateful.

And that would tell her what she needs to know anyway.

No. NO NO NO.

Do NOT contact his fiance. This is not your concern. All you will do is give him more reason to keep messing with you!!!

PLEASE STOP COMMUNICATING WITH HIM AND ANYONE CONNECTED TO HIM.

(Yes, I am "yelling" because I am so frustrated from reading this thread!!!)

If you don't want to contact her then write a plan B letter and send it to him.
Now you may go through like a withdrawal or a grieving time. I'm going through one now because I am recently divorced.

Then you may want to consider joining a Dating club like match or eharmoney or one of the many others.

But you need to cut the tie soon

I would like a Christian perspective on this statement:
"Tomorrow isn't for sure so I want you to know that I'm very sorry for all the bad things I did and pay for it daily. Also, I love you still and wish you would've given in a bit and tried to experience what forgiveness is. Maybe one day you will know how to."
As a Christian, I have really struggled with this issue. Does true forgiveness - the kind that Christ affords us - equal reconciliation? By this I mean does the fact that you forgive someone for their ill treatment of you and their infidelities
also mean that you FORGET what they've done and you move forward as though nothing happened?
A part of what kept me from attempting to reconcile with my XH was the fact that everyone knew what he had done. He had multiple affairs, although all but the first one occurred after we separated. Honestly, a part of me was embarrassed by what he had done and I felt that a) it was a reflection on me as a wife - I couldn't keep him happy at home - and b) I was afraid that people would think I was stupid for going back to him after what he had so openly done.
Add to this the fact that I don't think he has changed, although he's the first to say that he has, but I just haven't noticed.
So, when I read the quote above I hear him "say" that we didn't reconcile because I didn't forgive him, it makes me wonder if I did truly forgive him. And, if I did truly forgive him in the Chrstian way should I have been willing to reconcile?

Personally, I think that MB principles are Christian based.

Forgiveness in MB philosophy would require "just compensation."

I don't know if someone more familiar with Christianity would agree or disagree with that.

IRL, usually when someone who has done something to harm someone else asks for "forgiveness," they are really just looking for a way out of taking responsibility for their actions, and have no intention of changing their habits; MB philosophy accounts for that and puts protections in place for the victim as well as the perpetrator.

This particular quote sounds like a lot of blame-shifting to me; not the kind of personal responsibility of a truly repentant individual.

However: I thought you were going to Plan B this guy??!! Why are you still communicating with him??!! When are you going to start doing something different (like follow the MB methods), instead of doing the same things and expecting different results??!!

opt

Opt,
As I close this chapter of my life and start the next one, I don't want to carry forward any lingering doubts about whether or not I made the right decision. As my XH was/is a master manipulator I want to close the door feeling at peace over the decisions I've made.
At church this morning, I almost felt like a spotlight was on me. Sometimes you just feel like the message was meant for you and I occasionally hear a pastor say "you aren't here today by accident." The scripture was Luke 2:10 "... I bring you good tidings of great joy...". But, he talked about focusing on what you have and not what you've lost.
I've lost a lot in my life. Parents, child, husbands, friends yet I currently have so much to be thankful for. I've been over-analyzing everything the last few months and don't want to continue that. What I want to do is put it all to rest. I don't want to lock it in a room where I occasionally take it out and look at it. I want all the rooms to be swept clean.
I want no lingering "would of/could ofs" regarding this relationship. That's the reason for the question "does forgiveness equate to forgetting and reconciling" as my XH seemed to suggest. I realize that none of us have all the answers. I certainly don't have many, but I appreciate the sound advice I am given here.

okay, L2S, I hear you.

I feel I've come out the other side, so from that perspective I can say that you may never get the satisfaction of closure you are looking for. I've read that here too. Divorce just doesn't offer the kind of comforts we often wish for.

I don't know if I would advise this for you at this juncture, but I see Plan B (with a clearly written letter, with conditions for return) to be the only solace. I know when I have my "what if" moments (few and far between, but still occasional glimpses), I think that would have been a good process to have implemented - it would have left no doubt about her wants/intentions to return with humility and gratitude.

In the end I think you know that your ex would never really have been capable of joining the program whole-heartedly, consistently, and for any substantial length of time (yes?). That's what I come back to with my ex -- she has not really changed much in 2.5 yrs of being single; if we hadn't divorced I would still be in essentially the same marriage. I did not want that.

opt

Opt,
I think we had similar marriages in that what we WANTED wasn't what we HAD. There were good times, but it seems that the bad overshadows all the good. I don't relish the prospect of remaining alone and growing old by myself, so I have remain attached to the only person that somewhat filled the emotional need to be loved and wanted. Trust me, I have some issues as well!!! He's not the only one.
Funny, to wake up and realize how many precious days, weeks, years I've wasted to end up at this point - alone!
I agree that the marriage wouldn't have worked for any signficant length of time. For us the trust and respect was long gone. Hard to rebuild when you don't even have a foundation to build on.
Trying not to dwell on the sadness of it all. Trying to stay busy and tackle little projects, then fall in bed and pray for sleep.

A lonely marriage is worse than being alone on your own terms.
And there's no reason to believe you will grow old by yourself. People meet and develop strong, romantic, loving, caring relationships at all ages. I know that if you take more time with the principles here, and maybe through other sources as well (many concepts and philosophies are reflected here anyway), you will gain a strength and confidence to really move forward.

Do you post on other people's threads? I find that helps me stay sharp with the material. It helps me live it. Then when situations come up, with wife, or kids, it's more natural to refer back to the principles I have written or read about.

I think with your experience thus far your words will be very encouraging to others.

opt

You know, I've been doing pretty well with all this. Today, I get the following text:
As I work through my thoughts and wants and wishes I find myself wanting to postpone/cancel a wedding. I do KNOW WITH ALL MY HEART N SOUL that it would never be possible, but if you were the other person, there'd be no doubt. Ur a super person and never another like u. I promised I wouldn't bug you but wanted to tell you that!! U r the best thing I've ever screwed up!! I wish you wellness, lots of love n truly hope the road uv chosen bring u real n true happiness this time. Goodbye (my name).

YOu know, I cannot permanently escape him. He is the cousin of my niece's husband. There is going to be a time when we are going to be at the same whatever at the same time. It will be inevitable that I am going to run into him.

I've been doing pretty good but time is winding down and he is getting married one week from today. I know - I KNOW - that this is the right thing for me to do. Stay silent. Back away. Shut the door. But why do I feel so empty, so sad, so scared???

And, what game is he playing? Yes, I know .......... plan B. I know. But that doesn't explain why he would say what he is saying. I know I wouldn't see/hear it if in plan B, but my question is WHY??? What's the point? Where's the gain?

He is telling me that he isn't sure about this marriage. Then he is either lying to me - why?? - or he really is rushing into this.

If I were engaged and found out that my fiance was saying this to an exwife or even ex girlfriend, I would be devastated.

Please somebody tell me I am right to let this door close. I'm not saying that I want to be at the wedding and stand up when the pastor says" If anyone hear knows any reason why these two..." but I want to know that this man will never change.

Oh, listen to me. I'm answering my own question. He's walking the isle in one week and still talking to me like this. Grrrrr.