Yes sir, that's pretty much what I am doing. I was 307 I am now down to 259. I have cut out lots of things, and limit my daily calories to around 1500. I walk to work....about 6 blocks and I have a very physical job.

FANTASTIC! ... keep up the good work! (see how the word fantastic feels enthusiastic?) Use it often with your wife. SHe will be puzzled... i have been using this word now in my daily chats to co-workers and wife and such and it totally lifts the spirit up.

This is all a process ... and your wife will test you to see if your being real. (took my wife about 4 months to believe me that my new attitude was in fact real) Dont let her negative energy get you down.

DO you guys get out on dates? Your going to need to get out of the house at least once a week or so. You gotta spend time together doing recreational thinks you both enjoy.

Not really. We work different schedules and different weekends. Also it is almost impossible to find someone to watch our daughter. We try when we can. I asked and asked her to please not bring her phone with us. That doesn't happen.

We went out one night, and I was trying to talk to her at the restaurant, and her phone just kept going off with texts, and she would answer each of them. I finally had enough and just walked out. Went to the car and waited on her.

Its like she can't disengage from the electronic world and engage in us.

If you were to ask her right now, she would tell you that we are fine and we don't have any problems.

Yeah .. that sucks .. she is using the phone to get her need of conversation met with someone else. That is cake eating.

I would . somehow accidently drop her phone into a bucket of paint! ( I owuld have suggested water but my blackberry worked fine after i dropped it into a hot tub while it was on .. just took 2 days to dry out)

Then .. go out .. get her a NEW phone. BUT before ya do ... load it up with snooping tools before ya give it to her.

MNG

p.s. In order to be in love your going to have to spend time together. You didnt ignore each other when you courted ... you didnt ignore each other before ya got married. How do you expect to stay in love if your not spending enough time together?

Check out this article.

Not enough time together - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5044a_qa.html

Have you checked the emotional needs questionaire? Love busters questionaire? Here - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4500_resource.html


Whats your wifes biggest complaints about you?

MNG

Here you go. Keylogger Programs

She really doesn't complain about me. Only thing she has ever really mentioned is that I didn't help enough with the housework when she didn't have a job. But I have "assigned" areas now. And I do them.

She also said I brought my work home with me, meaning talking about it, or sometimes I would gripe about something that happened at work. And I have stopped doing that.

Update. She left her phone on the charger and went to watch tv. I took the opportunity to look at it. It was logged into facebook still. I don't know much about facebook or how much is available on the phone, but I read her chat messages and they were all very innocent conversations with her female friends. There were no texts on her phone, but I checked the bill and there were no odd numbers.

I checked her email too and there was nothing suspicious.

I really don't think she would cheat, but I think she is addicted to her electronic life. She has to have her phone in one hand at all times. Even eating supper tonight, she had a fork in one hand and the phone in the other. This is pretty much the norm. I have told her how I feel about the constant phone or facebook, but either she doesn't listen or doesn't care.

Thats great! ... you probably feel a bit better knowing things are innocent (at least they appear to be).

Moving forward.. you lack of time with your wife is going to be your number one issue. Without time .. its hard to love and make time meeting each others top needs. Maybe suggest to your wife to fill out the questionairs on emotional needs and love busters (a copy for each) and have a discussion about them. Tell your wife your unhappy and something needs to be done.

Take a look at this article.

When to tell your spouse we have a problem. - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8115_prob.html

I also suggest you get the book "His Needs Her Needs" and spend some time reading it with your wife out loud and stopping occasionaly for discussion as you read it. It gives great practical examples of every emotional need and how they effect each other. My wife and I both learned more about ourselves and our dynamic reading that book than the previous 15 years of our marriage just trying to figure it out. Combine this with the questionsirs, a new up beat and enthusiastic personality and things began to turn around.

MNG

I guess our main hurdle is getting her off the phone/computer so that we can work together. I have asked her to take a break. She has not. I don't want to get bossy with her and try to force her to stop. I want her to want to do things, not feel forced. I have the Love Dare book here somewhere. I think I am going to try it to see if she might notice and want to quit on her own.

Thanks for all the info. To all of you and Marriage Builders too!

I am going to hold off on the keylogger and checking texts, for now, at least. I want to be able to trust her, and her to trust me. As of now, I have no reason not to.

I will update as things play out. Again thanks so much!

I too did the love dare .. it didnt really work. The movie had more of an impact on my wife than the book did.

His Needs Her Needs was a FAR better book. get that one ... read it together with your wife. YOull get alot more out of it.

Take your wife out ... get her to dress up nice .. and then ask her (make it romantic) politely, to leave her phone at home. If she says no then Tell her in a positive way that you would really appreciate her full attention when your out on a date and that you feel disrespected when she is constantly on the phone. Make a game out of it .. or a funny bet ... like ( I bet you ________ that you cant leave your phone alone for x amount of tim and if you do I will do ______ for you.

Make it fun ... simple .. keep it light.

MNG

Good idea. Can try that for sure. Our anniversary is in 12 days and my birthday is in 5 days. Will be the perfect opportunity. I will work out the babysitter and make all the arrangements, so there won't be any hassle or work for her. Also no excuses.

We are in a rural area without many stores, but I'll definitely try to find the book local, if not, I will order it.

Do you know her top ENs?

I know a few. I am thinking about recreating our first date. I remember everything we did and how she reacted to it. Also her favorite movie is A Christmas Story, and the local theater company is doing a theatrical production of it. I am sure she would love it.

1980, you'll find that Dr. Harley/MB doesn't see trust in a marriage the same way traditional society does. It's more of a "trust but verify" policy.

Take a look at some of the articles Dr. Harley has on the human's natural propensity to commit adultery/stray/be wayward ('we all would, given the right circumstances...but none of us would given the right circumstances'). And also what he says specifically about what blind trust does to a marriage.

~optimism

Not blind trust. I keep tabs on her phone bill and I have spot checked her phone and email. I just don't want to cause more conflict between us by spying too much. I think at this point, in our marriage, if I dig for something that isn't there, she will definitely close down completely.

I have been reading a lot on marriage builders, and last night, we had a small break thru. When she came home from work, I was still up. I turned off the tv as soon as she pulled in the driveway. She came in, on her phone. She asked why the tv was off and I told her I did it for her. She actually put her phone down! We had about a 2 hour discussion about working out our problems......without her phone. I mentioned some of Dr Hurley's teachings, not officially, just casually. She seemed to peak an interest. She didn't give much input, though. Mainly sat and listened to me talk. But she did say that she would try to work on our problems more.

I am so glad I found marriage builders. There is so much information here that I wish I had a long time ago. The only thing is, there is so much good information it kind of overwhelms me. I read and reread to absorb all of it. I want to make sure I understand everything he is teaching, not just read it.

Slow and steady will win the race cope.

It's great to try to absorb it all but it won't hurt to work directly with your W on a specific area of MB. For instance maybe start with the ENs. Develop a plan to work on those first. Perform scheduled "check ins" with your W to get feedback on the successes and the failures.

While you're meeting her needs you can look at your behaviors and try to identify what LBs you're committing against your W.

My W and I are being coached by Dr. Chalmers and this is how she went about our plan.

- Identify your LBs (the ones you know you've been committing against your spouse) and find alternate behaviors
- Identify your ENs and communicate them to each other. State specifically what you want. "I would love it if 4 or 5 times a day you would ...."
- Work to fulfill your W's ENs by doing the "I would love it if(s)"

- After that it was to communicate to each other a few Annoying Habits that we would like changed.

- Next we're going to do exercises regarding successful negotiation. That will help is to work through any obstacles that get in the way of EN meeting and elimination of LBs.
- We will further identify any LoveBusters that destroy love.

Try not to overwhelm your self... more importantly don't overwhelm your W. It's a process and taking it a few small steps at a time ensures thoroughness.

I've been here over 9 years and I'm rereading everything for about the umpteenth time only now in more detail as we recently purchased some of the Doctor's books.