What did Dr. Harley suggest?

He just said to lay low to get the best outcome I can then after the divorce ill be in a much better position to plan b her. Basically he agrees that our marriage is over so now the goal is to get the best outcome in plan d.

Anyway I said earlier another month, well that turned out to be just slightly less. The hearing is on the 29th. She arranged that so that she can adopt our foster child on the 31st.

Tomorrow ill start working on taking my name off of all of the bills. She wants to be independent, well request granted. She is on her own now (except for the money the state forces me to pay her for spousal support, and money she will probably get for adoption.) It's sad to see the the system at work, getting paid to divorce your husband so that you can be a single mother.

I'm looking forward to the closure, I don't like divorce one bit, but things are getting better. I've learned a lot and I'm thankful for that.

Five days left. Time seems to be passing very slowly. She managed to convince ds11 to go to her house for Christmas so I'm home alone. It's hard not to be sad. I figure I'll take the opportunity to get some housework done. I live having a clean house, but who has time being a single parent?

Ok, it's all over. I'm divorced. After the hearing we talked for a minute and she told me I was a crappy husband. I responded with were you a great wife? She said take care and walked off.

Most things with my now ex wife is one sided. The issue was never how disrespectful she was or her cheating the entire marriage, it was always my fault for turning things around on her, or not being positive about her decisions.

Honestly I couldn't help it. I don't think I'm the type to turn everything around since I don't do that with other people, and because I've let a lot of things go, but with her it was see everything my way or I walk. It's very manipulative and I struggled to let it go.

I guess I was just looking for her to acknowledge that she played a role in our dynamic, otherwise she would just wrap up the blame in a nice little bow, hang it around my neck, and split.

I guess it doesn't matter anymore, time to move on.

So now I'm working on a very strict plan B. I don't want this in my life anymore, it's completely messed me up, and I was already messed up.

I have the ability to block her phone from sending me calls or text messages, and I also have the ability to build voice mail systems. Here is my idea: Block her from contacting me directly, then setting up a number she can call that says:

This number is provided for emergency or time sensitive situations. All other communication needs to be emailed <ak1's email>. If this is not an emergency please hang up now. If you need to leave an urgent message, please do so after the tone, and I will be immediately notified. Thank you

The system then messages me with the recording, and sends a copy to my email.

The idea is to force her to only contact me in the event of an emergency (to satisfy the court) as well as record everything. I can call her back, txt, or email my response.

So my question is, would this be a jerk move? No doubt she will view it as me being a jerk and get nasty, so I can't rely on her opinion to know if this is acceptable or not, and honestly I can't tell right now either because I'm just so frustrated and just want her out of my life.

Thanks,
ak

I think that she can contact you about an emergency via a third party.....an intermediary or two. That should suffice for legal reasons (but ask your attorney for sure).

You don't need the phone stuff or the message on it to her. That is kind of silly.

Sorry about your divorce.

Sorry about the D ak.

Good idea to go into Plan B. Can you get an IM for all contact and then you will never have to talk to her?

How old are your kids? Old enough to talk on their own phone?

Have you hear this?

I found an excellent radio clip from Dr. Harley, of why it's a good idea to go into Plan B after divorce.
Radio clip on Plan B after Divorce at 5:25 mark

Sorry about your divorce. I understand how it feels to want your x to admit they blew up the marriage, but wayward fog rarely allows for that.

I am 3 years post divorce and never went to plan b. I have had to pull back on communication and interactions with him when I feel the old stress returning. I try to do it without him really noticing because he is the type to react with escalation if he feels slighted.

ak, your best bet is to get an IM. If the IM does it correctly, this is the easiest job in the world. We can help your IM. In your scenario, you still have to listen to her voice and read her emails, which will keep you triggered. She will still have the ability to send you longwinded and upsetting screeds that waywards are notorious for.

I have been an IM for some people and I can even tell when they have listened to voicemails on the answering machine; it brings on the doom and gloom right away.

Do you have a family member or close friend who would agree to be your IM?

If you can pull off a REAL Plan B, you will see an amazing difference in your mood and attitude. I have been in Plan B with my XH for about 8 years now and I am amazed at how much better I feel. I no longer feel a second of resentment or sadness. I never think about him!

I recommend the following book: Dads housekeeping manual

It's added to the amazon cart. When I get some money I'll pull the trigger, for now I got an offer accepted on a house so I'm pretty tight for a month or two while I recover from that.

My exWW got the house and all of the equity so I have to come up with a down payment out of side jobs and savings. I've been working double time lately and it's starting to hurt, but it won't be much longer and the whole house issue will be behind me.

In the mean time I've been doing better staying away from her, but I still see her when we exchange kids, and I have been using email to deal with the last of our fiscal issues.

Even that minimal contact is really difficult. I had no idea someone could be so bitter, resentful, and blaming. She is very much struggling with being on her own, so she blames the whole thing on me.

I really really wish I had an IM, but I am not comfortable asking one of my friend's wives to do it, and dudes generally just don't want to have anything to do with that sort of thing.

Until I can find an IM I'm going to be stuck with her treating me poorly while she tries to manipulate me into helping her.

Any suggestions on who else to ask? I can put my voicemail system in place, that may help.

ak

I guess it's time for a proper update, a lot has happened.

First of all, my ex wife wants to get back together again. She revealed this 1 week after the divorce the day I got the decree in the mail.

Talk about frustrating after all I went through trying to keep it together despite the advice given by this forum and many I counsel with.

So she basically said that she now sees how nice I was to her and that she couldn't see it before because she was blinded by bitterness and resentment. Ok, sure, but that doesn't resolve my biggest issue with her: immaturity, actually it kinda makes it worse in a way.

I didn't really respond. I went on about my business and bought a fantastic new house. I'm quite happy with it, it's huge, in a good location, and it's just well laid out for what I do.

As time progressed, she moved from being sad and perhaps a little sappy to pushing for reconciliation pretty hard. The trouble is that the way she did this was to blame me for the way I acted early on (bringing up stuff that was 10 years old for the first time) then telling me how great she was to me in the first part of our marriage.

I told her that none of that mattered anymore as any reconciliation will need to be based on current actions and behaviors. That didn't slow her down. Still lots of blaming and now she is pretty needy.

She claims I've been abusive to her as justification for her actions (affair, withdrawal, divorce) but that just doesn't add up to me. Sure, I have my own thoughts and opinions, and sometimes I present them strongly, but I've been working very hard to not be judgmental or disrespectful.

I think she has the post-modernistic mentality that any time I don't agree with her or see it her way she must label me a jerk, egocentric, abusive, <insert your character flaw here> in order to try and get me to agree with her.

Several times I've asked her to stop calling me names, but then she does it all the more then adds that I'm not owning my stuff.

The last email she sent just takes the cake. She essentially blames me for a few things (interestingly enough, the stuff she does), calls me a few names like self-centered and egocentric, then goes on to say that she needs love and if I won't give it to her she will find it elsewhere.

It's frustrating to say the least. I politely told her that her tactic felt controlling and manipulative to me, and that she would make more progress if she stopped talking to this guy I loath (because she was chatting with him throughout the affair with a different guy and thus huge triggers) on Facebook.

She didn't like that much and said she would give him up if I agreed to give her attention, but also gave the impression that she wouldn't if I didn't come take his place.

It's almost like she needs to have male attention, and she wants it to be me, but if not me someone else.

She did start going to church (though I'm not sure that says much since I think she is going to see me), but it doesn't seem like her attitude has changed much.

I find myself in a bit of a quandary with all of this. Going into plan B isn't really an option because nobody is willing to be an IM (dudes don't want to do it, and I'm not going to ask someone's wife), and even if I go into plan B she will surely find someone else which doesn't really bother me except the kids will be affected.

If she truly can change I may be willing to give it a shot, but I don't know how I can ever trust her again because of how extreme she is. I have already experienced the desire for reconciliation on this level only to have another guy in the picture 3 months later. It seems like she is all over the map.

It's like she is searching for a feeling that I'm not convinced I can give her, and after watching her search for it with other men, I just don't see how I can trust her.

Anyway, that's what I've been up to. Any thoughts on how to deal with this?

Have you asked any male MB posters to be an IM? Then all her abusive emails can go through them and you won't have to see the emails.