Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? Is there any way you could not allow any contact with your girls until he does it following your rules? (one call a day, set time and not late, no upsetting or emotional blackmail.)

Czarne. I know it's hard for your sister but it would be best for everyone if she were able to remain neutral ... easier said than done I know. May be best if her contact was limited to emails rather than telephone calls to avoid conflict in front of your girls.

Please don't second guess your decision to leave Spain. You made the decision to leave based on what was in your best interest and the best interests of your girls. It would have been extremely painful remaining and subjecting yourself and the girls to his cruel behaviour.

WH may love his girls deep down but remember waywards put their own selfish interests first. Even the most loving, caring, wonderful father pre A will place his selfish needs ahead of his childrens. This is my WH to a T, I would have never dreamed he was capable of this, it is the complete opposite of the father he was pre A.

When you start to second guess your decision remember the benefits ... your daughters are not exposed to OW and the A. This is a blessing.

thank you so much to all of you for your advice.
I have an appointment with a solicitor on Monday, will see what he says.

WH keeps saying that he is moving over here next year, he thinks it is so easy, just finds a job, flat and voila!!! Hope it will take him a long time, so that I have nothing in my Love Bank left and we can just be friendly...

He is definitely coming for two weeks this Christmas, will be staying at his friends' somewhere. Will do my best not to see him at all.

I have a feeling that his affair will last way longer than 6 months.
I though that he will wake up the minute I am gone, but this has not been the case unfortunately.

I had this mortifing dream last night, woke up wet from sweating and crying.

I went to OW house and it had hundreds of rooms with odd doors, all closed and thousands of stairs going in weird directions and I heard my girls crying and calling me.
And I was running everywhere opening the doors and couldn't find them.
Each time I thought that it was the right door the voices were getting farther and farther away. Hate dreams like that.

HappyF
So true, my WH was a wonderful dad too, always putting his girls first.
Then he didn't even give me a chance to try again and keep the family together. He told me that children cannot be brought up in a loveless marriage, I said that there are ways of bringing the love back, but he was not interested ( he was already deeply involved in his affair).
His affair changed him tremedously. Strange thing is that he thinks that I am now a horrible person???

Its bad enough dealing with OW when your awake, its sucky when they creep into our dreams.

A do change waywards, they even change their beliefs to maintain the A. They become selfish, willing to sacrifice or do anything to maintain their fix.

This is part of the wayward handbook - all BS are mean, horrible and nasty. WS will even bait BS to provoke a reaction, so they can say "my BS is so mean" Any time a BS interferes with the A they are mean. In a wayward's mind these are justifications for their behaviour.

WS also need to justify leaving their children, how else could they put their selfish needs ahead of their children's welfare. Many WS will say things such as "they will get over it", "lots of people get divorced and the kids are fine", "kids are better off"

I'm not sure if you have seen it but the Soulmate Schmoopies is well worth a look. It's a very funny take on WS & AP, good for a laugh and it helps put into perspective the wayward behaviour.

Here.
Soul Mate Shmoopies

FWIW, my WH was once an awesome, hands on dad as well, and has accused me of all sorts of things. DON'T let yourself believe it!!!! I have a family history of mental illness so when HAM started accusing me of all sorts of things, I even worried and wondered. Counseling for myself was essential as well as for my kids when they've needed it. Have your girls started school yet? How are you doing with fun, busy, distracting things? Have any of you started counseling? Also, journaling was helpful for me as well. When you're in plan B, you have to plan A yourself, as in pampering and nurturing. Don't doubt yourself and realize it will get better!

just back from doc's office , cried there like crazy, got more ADs and councelling referal.

JV,
yes, my girls started school already, they really love it, actually way more than Spanish one as there is hardly any homework!
I am trying hard to keep them busy, we went ice skating, pottery painting and Camden market in the past two weeks.
Need to keep them busy all the time.

WH calls everyday, but the girls are much better now. It will certainly change again when he comes over in two weeks. " cannot wait"!!!!
It breaks my heart seeing how much they miss him. My D10 told him over the phone that she knows that he made a terrible mistake, but maybe we can fix it. She said that everybody is looking at him, my parents, his mother, his sister etc, even his father is looking at him from heaven and asking him to make the right decision.

It will be my first Christmas with a broken family. So sad.
I cry all the time, lost three stones in two months and cannot sleep again.
When will it end?

Czarne,

I am sorry you are feeling so badly right now. It is good that you visited the doctor.

I used to have a dream where I was in a hotel and every door that opened had the OW's face at the door. And then there were the dreams when I murdered her in the most violent method - wait a minute, I was awake and those were thoughts not dreams.

Your daughter is wise beyond her years. Give her a hug.

My H had to REALLY stretch to make up bad things about me. One of his complaints was that I made him travel on vacation. I MADE him go skiing in Austria and I MADE him spend New Year's at a historic resort. He actually loved those trips. I was in Plan A without ever knowing it. In all the time we have been married, the only time I called H a bad name (a gaslighting POS) was after he had a farewell conversation with OW on his last day of work with her.

I never believed it when other people told me that I would feel better with time. But, they were right. You will feel better again. It will happen sooner if you can make your Plan B dark, dark, dark.

AM

I don't know about your case.
But to a child, moving out of the country is a HUGE major issue. Especially if you didn't plan it with them.
Divorce is like the end of the world to a kid.

The yelling on the phone? That's your cousin unable to control her angry outbursts. It's inappropriate.

You need a routine for these girls. Have them call at 6 pm. Every day.
Late night phone calls aren't answered and then he will start following the rules.
Ask the cousin not to speak about him in front of the children.

Make sure you have a schedule for the girls.
Get a good bedtime routine in place.
At this point that is the only thing that will help your girls feel safe and secure: a routine and schedule.

JediK
I did not move the girls out of the country, I moved them back to their country. They speak fluent English, have friends and family here. It was very smooth.
they are at the new school now, and very happy. I am very happy here too.
Cannot imagine living back in Hell again ( Spain),
My cousin angry outburst was not appropriate, I agree, however she is under a lot of stress not only because our situation but her personal problems too.
She just couldn't hold it anylonger.

WH has a very irregular work, so calling everyday at 6 is not possible. I advise him to call at 4pm, right after we are back from school. This way my girls have still time to cool down and are emotionally stable when is their time for bed.

I agree, routine and schedule will definitely help. I am moving hopefully next month, then I can start putting things in order.
Right now is a bit difficult.
Thank you for all your posts ;o)

Is your cousin still your IM? Is there anyone else who could do this if you think she is too emotional?

SugarC,
My sister will do it for me, she is very upset with him, but will try to keep neutral.
My cousin told me she could tear him apart with her bare hands, she cannot believe that he can blame me for everything and not see the fact that all that is happening is a simple consequence of his selfish actions.

My girls are so excited to see their dad again. Spoke with him yesterday and kept asking him to choose between us( family) and the OW, he kept repeating that he chooses them( girls).
But of course will continue with OW...
I think he is an emotional wreck right now and if he really chooses to live in London, then hopefully his relationship with her fails.
Or the opposite, they will be able to keep dreaming....

Glad to hear about all the fun things and that you all are settling down! When you have a WH who did not support himself let alone the family, it's got to be hitting his affair pretty hard. After all, what benefits can he give OW in the long run when he's a burden and they don't even have kids together? My guess is that he calls daily and is so clingy because he is emotionally immature...he needs someone to act as his mommy. You did it, but OW doesn't do it, so he's trying to get his own children to do it. Have you called the radio show? The time I was on might be helpful for you because I think our WHs are similar. It's linked somewhere in my thread and was almost a year ago...12/11/11 I think.

Do you have a plan in place for time sharing when he comes to visit? What can you do to set the ground rules?

JenniferV
thank you, found it and listened to it!
Here is the link:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3393#

OW is emotionally immature too, so I guess they match well.
She has several properties and inherited some money so she doesn't have to work.
I know she is supporting him financially until they hit it big in their MLM business that they are working together on.
She (OW) is also financially supporting her ex partner that lives with them all, the father of her younger daughter.

I find it strange, as my WH always said that he could never be bringing up anybody else's children, yet he is doing exactly that. (OW has a D4 and S7)

I know he has no money as his PT job is not sufficient, he is supposed to be sending me some now in Dec, will see if this happens.
He told my D10 that OW paid for his ticket to London ( he has no shame), If he could not afford 120 euros, then you can imagine what position he is in.

I guess that OW will get tired with it at some point, but the damage to our family has been done.

When you reference the OW being emotionally insecure like your husband, it reminds me of the following from Dr Harley:

"Just speculating, but people often choose mates that fit their self-concept. �In other words, a person who doesn�t think much of themselves (usually with evidence to support their conclusion), pick someone who is similarly unprepared for making a contribution in life. �When they marry someone who is capable, they feel very uncomfortable around that person, in spite of the care that they provide. �Your wife may have chosen a man who is similarly unprepared for life because she feels comfortable around him. �I recall counseling a woman who was married to a very famous surgeon. �She had an affair with a man who gave blood for a living, and moved into his 17-foot trailer. �He was someone who she could relate to, unlike her very successful husband. �In spite of his willingness to make changes in his career to accommodate her needs, she never felt comfortable around him.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley"

Jedi K
I think there is some true in it.
However if you are a person with ambition, motivation and aspirations in life, choosing partner who is more capable would give you an opportunity to grow by him/her, rather than somebody who you can relate to.

Yesterday my D10 cried for half an hour on the phone with WH asking him to come back, that she misses him putting her to bed, kissing and hugging her etc.
Then she told me that she didn't like how daddy forced her to kiss and hug the OW outside the school, while in Spain.
I asked what she meant and she said that when I was dropping her off at school and she already new about the affair, she did not say hallo to the OW.

OW then texted my WH that my daughter ignored her and that broke her heart????? and she cried all day?????
My WH then asked my D10 when picking her up from school ( I wasn't there) to hug her and say good bye.

How can you put your OW feeling first rather than of your child, it's beyond me.
How horrible it must have been for her.

I also heard when he spoke with my D10 that "it isn't always what she says" ( which means that I am making things up)

Today is one of those days that I am questioning my sanity.
Why on earth would I want to be with somebody who hurts his own children?

Do you still want to be with him? Even for people who have children, Dr. Harley doesn't always say to try recovery...it's okay to accept what happened and move on.

That's a good question.
A similar question they ask in AlAnon is Why do you cling to toxic relationships?

I struggle with post divorce and I have 3 children. They all miss mommy.

But I see all the pain and destruction her affair has caused and I don't think I could ever trust her again. The only way I would even consider reconciling is if OM died.
Your poor girl. After The visit I would consider ending the phone calls. They are too emotionally upsetting for the girls. There is no benefit to them. This is an excerpt of an email from Dr Harley. It applied to my unique situation but you may want to email him for your situation:

"I understand how you want your children to have a reasonably friendly relationship with their mother. �But under the circumstances, I�d suggest that instead, you create a wall of protection around your children as long as possible because of your wife�s thoroughly uncaring behavior toward them. �Let them know the full truth about her lack of care for them because of her love for another man. �Don�t embellish the story, just give them the facts. �Sooner or later she will probably try to restore her relationship with them through you, perhaps in the hope that she would receive some kind of financial support from you or the state if she were to have partial custody. �But I would let them know that not every mother loves or knows how to care for her children. �Sadly, their mother is probably one of these people. �Plan B is probably the best way to create that wall of protection."

I strongly encourage you to visit a church too.
Many have great children's programs where your daughters could receive lots of loving