I would say don't send it. You sound like you're trying to educate your wife, which is a Love Buster. She'll resent that.

I think you should keep sending emails, but avoid initiating "relationship talk" or heavier topics like "your feelings" or "our communication issues". Those may be good topics to discuss when you are together, but they are difficult to navigate through email.

Maybe send her an email saying something like "I'm sorry you feel that way. We can talk about it more when you get home if you would like.
How is the food there? I'm making spaghetti and meatballs for dinner, and the kids have promised to help - we'll see how it comes out!"

or whatever.

Thank you. This is what I thought, but my Taker wanted me to fire this off to show her what she was doing to me and now wrong she was. Just when I think God is letting me make a mistake, He gives me a swift kick in the posterior, making me get advice before sending it. I'm reading Love Busters now and I should know better.

How do I deal with these topics when she does come home and we discuss them? I know I can't demand her to learn this information. I guess I could you some good advice on how to persuade her to take this information in.

I think trying to educate waywards does little but frustrate a betrayed one.

Certainly respond to her that you are willing to build a good, romantic, communicative relationship into the future with her and that she means the world to you.

The hard part, being a test engineer, is that I have that strong desire to fix things, and need to overcome it. If she asks me to explain why I am showing more openly that I care, what's a good way to do so? It would be tough to just avoid that talk. Any suggestions on how I could use persuasion to get her to consider the MB program? Or do I just have to wait and hope?

I tend to struggle with the boundaries of what I should and should not discuss with her at this time. I sent my original email just to let her know I admire her and that I care about her well being on what is always a stressful trip for her (lot's of tiring work and stress during the week). I'm still trying to learn now to get admiration in without seeming to be fake. The quality conversation has been easier. She talks, I give 100% and listen intently.

A good way to explain showing how you more openly care is simply to say

"I took our love for granted and I will never do that again. It was wrong. I want to make things right."

Update: The wife came home yesterday. She actually texted me on the way back, between flights, even though she was rushed (late first flight). When she got home she was relatively nice, but then DD drove her nuts with talking. After putting her to bed, she came down and was very nice and talkative, but tired and went to bed early. I had met her at the door, got her luggage out of the car (taking the heavy one upstairs to the bedroom), and I had also made some of her tea the night before so she would have some when she wanted it. Just a few things to show her I was thinking of her. Probably helped, also, that the house was in decent order (kids not withstanding); i.e. No major messes anywhere. Dishes washed. Towels washed, toys picked up, et al.

Hopefully these little things can continue to show her my value, and how I value her. The interesting thing, too me, is that I had just read Dr. Harry's article on "Why Women Leave" (yes...I should have read it sooner) when I got her email reply, and her email talked about how she thought I didn't care about her when she went on these trips. I'm beginning to think that she felt neglected and unloved by a lack of constant attention from me since the kids were born. Something I will ask her to see. If so, that's an easy remedy on my end, and a habit I used to be in, and could easily get back into.

Remind me, did she ever write a No Contact letter?

No. She hasn't accepted reconciliation yet. She may be waffling on that now. But she had her mind pretty hard set on leaving, so I am working on it. She is aware that she will need to do the whole NC, give all accounts and passwords, and make the effort to follow the plan. It's only been 2 months since exposure, and Dr. Harley mentioned that it's still early, and that she would be depressed for a while.

Well, we had a long conversation tonight, which went as expected...not good. Finally got to the crux of the matter though. She felt neglected and that I wasn't giving her enough "passion" despite the fact that I dialed it down based on her willingness over the years. Unfortunately, I got into educate her mode. I know...bad me. I didn't really want of have this conversation with her, but she was really pushing for it. I should've known better.

If anything, though, I did try, really hard, to convey to her that I am not looking for us to go back to what we had, but to what we started with and to make that romantic love something that is consistent and long lasting. She keeps telling me that she can't help her feelings. I, unfortunately, made it known that her feelings are a choice. Ugh.

Times like this, I just don't see any hope. She's changed in a bad way, but I have to remember that it is still early. I just wish we hadn't gotten into this conversation, because it's all venting and no resolving. At least I made it well known to her that I want to make things right and move forward.

You are wasting your time.
Because the affair has not died.
You can't work on your marriage until the affair is dEAD.

You need to avoid relationship talk. Because she will just talk about divorce.
Just say "I am willing to work with you to create a loving healthy marriage where both of our needs are met" and don't say anything else.

Yep. In her mind he's still waiting for her. He still isn't communicating with her, but she is still "justifying" what she has done as being tied to her unhappiness and how there is no way we could be happy together again. She kept trying to tell me how she always had thoughts for this guy and we never really had 'it", but our old emails prove otherwise without a doubt. I know this is tearing her up inside, as she clearly showed the pain she's going through, but, until she gets over the OM, I'm dead in the water.

I know I was wasting my time, and probably did some harm, but I made it clear, in no uncertain terms, what I thought of the POS and what he did to her. So she can sit there and let those comments lay as they will. I just hope she wakes up to what the POSOM did and remembers that we weren't that bad (something I reminded her of through her own writing).

For now, I'm just going to be nice, eliminate LB's as best I can, and just prepare for the long haul. I just don't know if she'll ever come out of this fog.

And stop talking about your marriage.
I'm a man (and a Jedi Knight) and I've been in your shoes (or close to it).
I was a neglectful husband, in some ways
But I self improved. Especially with my kids. I've never met you but I'm confident you can too.

Eventually her affair will die a natural death and hopefully you can rebuild your marriage. But until she agrees to write a NC letter I would consider it an active affair.

Eat well, exercise body and mind. I bumped a planA thread for you. Don't plan on her meeting any of your needs. Try to meet hers.
It really helps if you have a man of good character to confide in.

Dr Harley recommends Plan A for 6 months.
But I would still watch her for affair activity. You've read SAA? Jon and Sue?

Yes, I have read SAA. I am keeping my eye open for any activity. I'm definitely done with any conversations on this topic with her until the affair dies in her mind. I'll just keep doing plan A until then. I really didn't want to have the conversation last night, but she kind of forced my hand and a part of me had some stuff to get off my chest.

My dad told me, you can't argue with ignorance.
You may as well bang your head against a brick wall

Tell me about it! The problem is that I love to get into a good debate/argument with people. I have to control that reflex. I have to just sit back and hope that she eventually wakes up from this, but I have a bad feeling she's in full tilt and never will. Only time will tell. I'll keep praying God will guide her out of this.

Just remember the basic concepts; love bank deposits, withdrawals and low busters.
Try to maintain your low bank balance, add to it, and avoid withdrawals.

The Thanksgiving holiday went OK. No real movement on her part, but my father and brother came over for Thanksgiving and all went well. She didn't hang around them much, but didn't go out of her way to avoid either. She even had some conversation. She continues to be in a state where she goes off and just does the iPhone thing (reading FB or the latest novel). We continue to get along well when needed, and she doesn't seem to get angry at me as often and as easily.

Next stop...Christmas. Another family holiday to remind her of what she has now. I'll continue to do what I have been doing, but she still tends to go off somewhere to do her iPhone thing, limiting my ability to get in quality time. So that may continue to be a problem for a while, at least until she decides to open up to me more, which I hope she will in the next couple of months.

So nothing really new, but things don't appear to be getting any worse right now.

Hang in there remember what JK said. Your doing well.

Just got done reading your thread. I'm glad I my WW hasn't resorted to what yours did. It's been clear from conversations she had with others before, and certain actions she does now, that she still has some love there for me, but well below the romantic threshold. Judging from your thread, I suspect you are in the same boat. The best thing I have gathered on this topic is the realistic expectation that with WW's the affair thoughts take a long time to die off. I've simply told myself not to expect any real movement in her feelings for at least 6 months. If it comes sooner...great. But I don't see that happening. In fact I expect her feelings to last close to a year, the approximate length of the EA.

The hardest part for men like us (BTW, former USN here - AT3, 4 years) is realizing that we have to keep our eye on the ball - the fact that we are in it for several months before we should have any expectations and to simply plan A until such time. Right now, the only EN I can get any traction on right now (of the 4 intimate ones, that is) is conversation. When she speaks, I immediately stop what I am doing and look straight at her and listen intently and occasionally repeat things that she said in a fashion that lets her know I am not just hearing her, but actually listening. My biggest problem in the past, especially being a support Engineer, was wanting to fix her problems. Now I just listen, and only offer advice when she asks, or implies it strongly. Even then, I just put out suggestions, and nothing more. This has served me well so far. I'm probably raising my total love units maybe 1 every couple of days. Not a lot, but positive, and waiting for the day she hopefully breaks out of the EA in her mind, and I can start hammering more on the EN's and winning her back.

Every time I falter, I just pray to God for strength and refocus on the long term. You simply can't afford to focus short term right now, and I struggle on occasion with that, as I'm sure you do. We both need of just keep it up and think long term.

Good luck to you and me both, and I'll say a prayer for both of us, as I am sure some of the other regulars here will.

First off thanks for your service. I feel you on the fix thing I'm a HM and its part of the job that took over my personality. I agree with what you said totally. I show attention and affection the 2 things I know now thanks to HNHN I was lacking. Conversation is a distant 3rd. Those are the only things I can meet right now. Like you said day by day little by little LB deposits we will achieve out desired goals. Praying for your success as well brother.