Noticed last weekend (especially Monday - we were off), and now today that she is laying down a lot when she's not engaged in an activity, and seems to be more inclined to become reclusive. Seems I read somewhere that this might be a sign that she's heading toward rock bottom; I.e. On the brink of a turning point.

Comments on this, especially those whose wayward went through this, or former waywards themselves, would be greatly appreciated. Not really anticipating anything here, and just continuing to do what I have been, so don't take this post as such. This is more curiosity and learning for me, and nothing more.

Thanks.

If you're 100% sure there has been NC?

What fun UA activities are you doing?

Is she on ADs?

Last night she requested an email I had sent to the OM because she wanted to see what I had sent him (email was weeks ago when I gave the OM a demand to defriend her on FB), something she would have already seen had he been in contact with her. Everything shows no contact, even though she hasn't agreed to a letter (or any of my requirements). It very much appears that they have had no contact since the stuff hit the twirling blades.

I've been basically waiting for her to get over the affair in her mind and figured it would likely be at least 6 months, but we are coming up on 3 months since exposure and forced NC.

Right now, the only stuff I can get in is some conversation, where I give her 100% UA. She's pulled into her shell the last week and a half, which is why I'm wondering if she is about to hit rock bottom. She just doesn't want to do anything with anyone right now.

She's on Strattera for ADD and anti-depressant.

I'm just curious for now. Unless I see otherwise, I'm still assuming it will be about 6mos to a year for her to get over the affair. I just want to have a heads up on when I can recognize that she is turning that corner and will then deal with trying to avoid any false recoveries, should she even attempt it at all.

You're smart to be educated on false recoveries. They can hurt worse than an original DDay.

Did you show her the email? Just seeing his email name and/or words will give her a hit. That will start her recovery clock back to zero.

We've had WWs whom would google the OM's name of look at his facebook page just to get a hit. Do you have keyloggers and spyware on all her electronics?

hi there,

she is still defogging and withdrawing, you really should not allow any conversation about om to take place, it keeps her attached to him everytime she hears his name.
just tell her its been long enough and you wont discuss him any longer or anything to do with him.
are you meeting all her needs the way she needs?
of course she is depressed she screwed up her life, just try to engage her for short periods of time, walks, drives.movies.
depression is usually the ladt stage of mourning a loss.
just be happy, look good smell good and surprise her with little things you do for her, things she will notice when your not with her, note in her car, making her tea, coffee.
my husband took almost 4 months to go through his awakening.
some take longer.
hang in there and keep working on being the best you, you can be.

Thanks both of you for your replies. I did NOT let her see or get the email. The fact she needs it from me, though, means she hasn't had contact. I'm still able to monitor as required and nothing. She mostly just looks at friends FB, or celebrity news, or reads some of the current steamy novels; ala 50 Shades and such.

At this point I have not been willing to discuss him anymore and she hasn't brought him up. She's not quite full-blown rock bottom yet, but I think she's close. I want to keep an eye on it and just see what happens. I'm not going to let us try for recovery until I know she means it.

Right now, I just give her 100% UA when we have any discussion. The last few days, however, she hasn't been willing to talk much, so I think I won't be doing a lot if deposits as she goes through this stage. I'm really hoping that she'll get to the point where I can do more than just conversation to get my balance built up faster. Time will tell.

She doesn't need to be on FB. Did she use it to communicate with OM at any point?

Exactly. Do you have a keylogger on her computer?

Every way that she communicated with OM should be eliminated. Is every avenue that allowed her affair been eliminated?

She used FB in the past, but isn't using it to communicate with him now. I've kept dibs on that. Taking FB away from her ain't happening. I can't force her to stop using it. Perhaps when she is ready for recovery and ready to follow my EP's. For now, I'm just looking for her to turn the corner.

Not using FB has to be a part of things. If she ever DID use it to communicate with him, or even if she only used it casually, she has to get off it. It is too easy to find him that way -- and too easy to delete messages.

Even is she doesn't communicate with him via FB, just seeing his FB will be a huge trigger. Your recovery can be effected just by knowing there is a possibility of FB communication.

I agree with the FB statements, but she hasn't gone to his FB page and what she can see there (she was defriended) doesn't have any pictures of him. His page only has parts of his timeline, and a generic picture. She is trying to avoid any communication with him because she feels it will help her in court, should divorce occur and go the route.

At this point I am more interested in hearing what people think of where she is at based on what I mentioned about her being tired and unwilling to do a lot.

In my experience, the same thing happened to me during a FALSE recovery.
I would not trust your wife with a dime.
She may have a separate Facebook or an affair phone.
She may be upset that you ran other man off and wants to know what you said to him.

The more time I spend on this forum the more I'm convinced that the mafia may have The best method.

So the generic picture is the empty blue/white thing, and not a picture of him?

Either way I don't see this working out for you. There is a possibility of contact. What happens one day when she gets the itch?

She can easily make a new FB account and friend him that way, as JK put it.

It almost sounds as if she is still in contact...but she could also be in withdrawal.

The problem is that she probably is in withdrawal.
But so is the other man.
All it takes is for him to Create a new identity on Facebook, call himself John smith or [censored] Tom and then friend her and start all over.

That is why extraordinary precautions are needed. She's already proven she has no moral willpower to resist adultery so if I were you I wouldn't guess about what she is thinking.

I would just focus on plan A.

Oh, I agree. The picture on the OM's account is picture of the sky with some letters in it. He used of have a picture of his kids. The only pictures of him are on the private side of his page, which is why I wanted him to defriend her. I have been keeping tabs, and she really isn't trying to contact him anymore. I think she gave up because 1) he refused to make contact back with her (and her cousin) and 2) she thinks if there is any more communication that it hurts her chances for custody in court (at least this is what she told her cousin). I think she is definitely going through the depression of withdrawal and is coming to a realization that the affair is, for all intents and purposes, over. But, as we all know, only time will tell.

I just wanted to get some feedback to see if the symptoms she is going through are what I thought they were. Nothing more. I'm not going to try to read her mind at this point, just observe her and see what happens. It's interesting that she continues to talk about things we need to do, such as with the kids, in the future. Almost like she has reconciled herself to a future with our family, but that is purely speculation, and I'm not going to dwell on that stuff.

Are there any threads where a wayward described going through this process? This is the kind of information I would like to read.

Translation:

I don't want to insist on her not using facebook because it may make her mad and want to leave.

Does that sound about right? Think about it.

You can always secretly program in a 404 error to appear whenever a browser goes to facebook.com and observe her reaction. But, it really is going to have to be her *wanting* to make these changes because, otherwise, she'll find a workaround.

At some point you're going to have to tell her "Look, this is what has to happen in order for me to stay married to you." Right now, she knows that she can do whatever she wants, behave however she wants and you'll wait on the sidelines.

As for her wanting to see some email you sent to OM...I'd follow a previous poster's advice to tell her that his name is to never be mentioned in your house again and that there will be NO discussion involving that POS. For her to think that it's even appropriate to utter his name in your presence is asinine. Do it in a non-LB way, of course, but realize that every time his name is spoken it brings him back to the present.

Agreed.

Or she attempted contact and was not successful.

She's not in contact with him. As for FB, she isn't ready to accept my EP's yet. When she is, the ground rules will be in place. I think people forget that we are NOT in recovery yet. I'm still waiting for the affair to die in her mind. The OM is gone. He bailed and clearly had no desire to go further. The man actually didn't want to have sex with her when they met because "it wasn't right." Yeah...I still think he didn't really want her. Probably found another piece of tail without all of the strings. He had ample opportunity to find other ways to communicate with her, and vice versa, and nothing has happened. Kind of tells you what is really going on.

I'm not delusional. I won't stop keeping my eye out. But I really hate when a simple question turns into another round of "why is she still allowed to do this?" as we aren't even in recovery yet.

falcon --

You can't stay in limbo forever.
What's your deadline?

At some point in time, you have to stop waiting for HER to make a decision and start making your own.

She is in paralysis. She can't commit to you or the marriage, because she doesn't feel "in-love" with you. And she won't feel in-love because she has closed your love-bank account - not accepting any new deposits.

So you need to set a deadline on Part A. And start preparing for Plan B.