But don't we already know that? I don't quite understand your point. Everyone knows there are no guarantees. That doesn't mean that exposure is not effective.


Can you think of any reason why he would? I can't. It really is beside the point. What matters is that the BS is informed.

It already exploded, quite a while ago.....but now his wife can hear the explosion and try to protect herself from further injury.

I know there are sample exposure letters on this site, but if I remember correctly, they are written from the perspective of the BS. I was wondering what Dr. H would advise in situations where the AP feels compelled to expose. Would he recommend a different type of exposure letter? Would he suggest sending it to the same people that a BS would send it to? What if the AP sent an exposure letter to the WS's employer who then fired the WS, leaving the family without a source of income? In that situation, the AP's approach would have actually added to the BS's problems. And how much detail would he suggest an AP provide to the BS? Those are the sort of things I was wondering about. No big deal.

Dr Harley hasn't recommended ANY letters. Those letters were written by me and other board members for board members. They are just a guide that should be used to suit the specific situation. I have never heard of an OP sending an exposure letter to an employer. Maybe because such a workplace exposure letter would be self incriminating. Even so, if a WS gets fired, it is because of the affair, a choice he made. And if he has a workplace affair he has to leave anyway.

The consistent message on the Radio Show is to expose.
Protecting people from the natural consequences of their self destructive behavior enables their behavior.
Allow them to face consequences.

X2. Well done Liz! I knew you were tough.

I don't think this guy would have had a chance with you if he hadn't had a pre-existing lovebank as an ex, and hadn't contacted you following a bereavement. You clearly usually have much more common sense.

I don't say this to let you off the hook for having an affair, because that was a horrendous thing and something you can never undo.

I say it to make you aware of your own vulnerabilities as you enter withdrawal now. And to remind you of his vulture-like instincts.

Because the two of you have been making lovebank deposits, you're unfortunately hooked - in spite of your common sense and tough no nonsense approach. When you used the word 'drug' you were so right. Affairs are also much more heady and addictive than normal relationships.

You can expect withdrawal to last about three weeks. You will feel an enormous urge to contact him and will make up all sorts of delusional reasons as to why you need to. You need closure..he still has your ratty old tee shirt..you need to know what he told his wife...etc.

If you resist, you'll get through it and you will be free. Free to meet someone who can love you freely back. If you don't, the withdrawal clock goes back to day one.

Remember too that he will come after you. He has his own addiction to those trashy feelings and now he really needs you to back him up. His gameplan will be to puff up your feelings of love with more convincing promises. Then when he has your lovebank sufficiently doped up he will plead for you to help him and tell his wife it wasn't true.

Make sure he has no way of contacting you and ruining your plan. Secure all fences.

I have not heard from the wife yet. I did receive an email from MP written from a different email address. It was about how I underestimated his feelings, etc. I don't think his wife has received my email yet. I was strong and I deleted the email without responding. I will stay busy and try not to let the thoughts I'm having consume me. Yes, it is like "withdrawals" yes, it is hard but I did this to myself.

A lot of waywards, when trying to end an affair, have to change all contact info or ways AP contacted them...phone, email address, etc.

And good for you for doing the right thing!

Are you strong enough to send an e-mail or letter to him (copying her) ordering him never to contact you again, or you will consider pursuing harassment charges? If you hadn't deleted it (or could retrieve it), "replying" to his note with it attached would have had even greater impact.

Put a star on 04 December on every calendar from now on, okay?

If any more get through delete without READING. You will need to change your email address (it's too easy to get around blocking) and view him as a burglar intent on 'getting in'. What other methods might he use to get in touch? Think ahead - and block.

Is FB blocked? Twitter? Can he call you at work? Can he reach you through a third party? Mail you something? Think. He needs you to maintain an addiction to having two women at once and he will get through ANY gap you leave open.

If he gets a message through, throw it away unread, delete it unread, tell the messenger you won't listen. You will need to draw on your strength.

I like this but it could be a bit risky while it she still has only a 'guessed' email address for the BW.

The BW might not be copied in, but the WH will be warned about exposure and he will start a smear campaign on his 'stalker' who pretends to be an OW.

But later on when she has good contact details, its a great idea. Liz could also maybe direct the BW here to the site too for help.

Clearly, I misunderstood. I apologize.

Couldn't she just whitepage.com the phone number and mailing address? I agree your on the right path but seems like she is holding back a bit. Not trying to be harsh. When I have to do the right thing and its incredibly hard I put myself in the mind frame that the goal is to get a million dollars after doing said task. Increases my motivation tenfold!

I do have their home address. MP works out of the home so I suspect he will just intercept anything sent to the house.

LW,

Don't send any things of his to their home. Never contact him again for any reason. Talk only to his wife if she asks for additional information. My guess is that she has put many pieces of information together and her world is now upside down.

BTW, you said your marriage ended a couple of years ago in divorce. Why did your marriage end? Was there infidelity on either your husband's or your part? Was there neglect? How old are your children? How did they handle the divorce?

AM

Yes, my 12 year marriage ended in divorce in 2010. I do not believe there was infidelity involved. My ex-H comes from a very religious (conservative judiasm) family. We tried to assimilate to each others cultures, but in the end, it did not work. It is a long and complicated story. We have a decent post-divorce relationship and overall the girls have done well. They have strong friendships and are doing well in school. My ex-H has remarried.

LW,

All marriages require "extraordinary care". (When you get a chance, read Dr. Harley's writings about this topic, as well as the topic of the policy of joint agreement.) Marriages between spouses with cultural or religious differences are especially vulnerable. I can understand what may have happened. I am glad your daughters are doing well. Was this your first marriage or had you been married previously?

This website and Dr. Harley's books have a plethora of information on choosing a good marriage partner, building a passionate marriage and maintaining it. My H and I highly recommend all the MB materials.

AM

Great job exposing to the BW. Seeking this site out, the advice of many betrayed, and being able to follow through with advice to end the affair and expose to the BW all in the same day...says something about your character.

In the MB program, the focus is on ACTION and not just words. You have taken action and started the ball rolling toward a more peaceful and moral life that you can be proud of.

I think someone already recommended this, when you are deep in withdrawal and feel like reaching out to your AP, come here instead. Many people on here have been through withdrawal, either as a WS themselves withdrawing from the AP, or even a BS withdrawing from the WS in a Plan B. You can get help, advice, or even a place to vent. Whatever keeps you from contacting him.

Again, great job. You should be proud of the actions you took yesterday.