The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
The carrot of Plan AMeeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
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Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.And there is more ....
Plan A is NOT a decision you and your adulterous spouse make together !!!
Plan A is a tool for the betrayed spouse to implement in order to try and stop the affair ~and~ attract the adulterous spouse BACK to the marriage
do NOT discuss this tool with the adulterous spouse
Plan A is YOUR weapon against infidelity !!! The adulterous spouse is ~for~ infidelity, not against it .... be careful NOT to reveal your secret weapon of Plan A !!!
and more ....
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
from the site:
Quote:
Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty
I think it is impossible to completely stop ALL ~LB~ behaviors during the initial SHOCK of discovering your spouse is/was unfaithful
having said that
if the affair continues
once you start Plan A ... YOU must be in control of your emotional outbursts
ASK the board for HELP to do this
and some more ....
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
time to take your OWN inventory
compile a list of things you historically contribute to the marriage that make the marriage work .... and do MORE of this
don't make announcements about what you are going to do ... just take action
DEMONSTRATE what an awesome spouse/contrubutor to the marriage YOU are
.... continuing Plan A ....
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
re-visit the emotional needs questionairre on this site
if your spouse is ACTIVELY continuing their affair after discovery ... try to get the information about his/her emotional needs indirectly
take the questionairre answering ~as if~ you were your adulterous spouse
then take the top 3 needs and get a plan together to fill their most important needs ~when possible~
caution is required if your spouse scores high on sexual fulfillment as their emotional need ... if your spouse is sleeping with someone else YOU need to enforce the use of condom protection ... and even that is not foolproof protection you won't be exposed to a disease
GET TESTED for STDs every so often if you are having sex with a still cheating spouse
MOST people in an affair do NOT use protection <~~~ is's a fact you must face !
and ....
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
By this I mean .... suggesting to the confused foggy affair-addicted spouse that there is HOPE for the marriage even though what they are doing is awful ... there is a map leading to home
Often their thinking is thus: "It's too late now. I've done too much damage ... my spouse could never forgive me, so I might as well continue with the affair."
You, the sane spouse, need to squash that belief that they can never be forgiven for what they have done.
You do not need to forgive them right away, but offer them the hope of a future where all is forgiven.
You can word it something like this:
All of us do things we regret. When I think of some of my past mistakes, I am extremely grateful for having been forgiven by those I've hurt. I want to be in the position to offer you that same grace. I have been forgiven, so I understand what it feels like to be in a position where you hope forgiveness is possible. It is possible.
continuing ...
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Exposure is your most effective tool to end the affair !
It is important to SNOOP ~before~ exposure.
There are ways to snoop in order to gather evidence. If you have questions about snooping tactics ... go to the general Questions infidelity forum and begin a thread titled something like: ~~~> I need to snoop. Teach me everything you know!
OK ... once you've snooped and you know there is an affair ... and your spouse refuses to end the affair relationship ... you will hear:
"It's only a friendship."
"You are too controling."
"I love you but I am not in love with you."
"You are too suspicious."
"You are crazy."
"Our marriage never worked."
"I've never been happy."
"Our marriage was a mistake from the start."
TIME for exposure.
WAT has a great exposure thread ... read it
Exposure is NOT to the 2 infidels ... they already know they are in an affair!
You expose to the other betrayed spouse first.
You expose to your family as well as your spouse's family (if appropriate)
You expose to work, or neighbors, or others .... ASK the board for help regarding who to expose to
HOW you expose is important
wording something like:
I am saddened to tell you my sweetie is having an affair. It's been going on for (length of time).He/she refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my sweetie, please do what you can to get him/her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.
don't forget these words
swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
you NEVER tell your adulterous spouse you are going to expose
you just do it
more ....
Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way. Exposure makes the infidel furious
stay calm
breathe
no one can stay furious forever ... being furious is exhausting ... consumes a lot of energy ... let the furious infidel fume and exhaust his/her self
YOU stay cool
You will hear:
"That's it. We are never going to stay married after what YOU did."
"I am moving out now, thanks to you."
"You are getting OP in trouble at home."
"Now our kids will have a broken home thanks to you."
blah blah blah
You respond to all the raging comments: I am still holding out hope for our marriage.
You stay calm
You don't argue
You don't explain
You do not preach
You do not educate
~and~ you do NOT apologize for standing up for truth and marriage and keeping your family intact
YOU calmly re-state your belief that there is hope for the marriage ....
if things get out of hand ... excuse yourself and go for a walk or a drive ...
remember ... exposure makes the already foggy spouse act insane ... but it is temporary
.....
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.Plan A is often misunderstood as "acting nice"
excuse me acting "nice' in the face of an affair makes me want to puke
Plan A is taking control of one's self ...it is NOT "acting nice" ~as if~ there was no infidelity eating away at your family .... infidelity hurts like battery acid poured on your skin
am I right?
heII yes I am right
so you scared and panicky betrayed ~~~> SPEAK UP
tell the truth
"This affair hurts me. This affair is going to destroy our family. Let's get help."If your spouse does something really thoughtless ... SPEAK UP.
"What you just said (did) hurts me terribly."
"I feel wounded by your affair."
"My heart aches for the love we used to share."But be careful ... don't get needy or whiney or weepy ... those are love-busters
it's a fine line between telling the truth about what hurts ... and staying away from LB behaviors
ASK for help from the board
if you are unsure if what you are doing is correct... examine how much self control you have at any given moment ... and if you are feeling in control of yourself ... you are probably right on the money !
if you feel yourself losing control ... step away and re-group
>>>>>>
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
You never were a perfect spouse. You never will be.
You are part of the equation of your marriage environment .. but you have no power to cause your spouse to choose an affair
The freshly wounded often look at themselves and blame themselves for their spouse's choice to go outside the marriage....
stop
Sure, this is an opportunity to take your own inventory ... but NEVER accept blame for your spouse's choice to have an affair
The issue of not meeting the emotional needs of the adulterous spouse ~before~ the affair began is NOT a reason to choose infdelity
not ever
You are responsible for your choices, not for the choices of your spouse
relax
breathe
~~~~~~
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
If we experience no consequences when we mess up ... there is very little motivation for us to change our wrong behaviors that have become a habit
do the infidel a favor
do not stand inbetween them and their consequences
show respect for the infidel by allowing them to feel whatever their behaviors have earned them
be it
shame
embarrasment
fear
whatever they have earned
let it be
unpleasant consequences are what motivates changing habitual bad behaviors
let it roll
******
A very very important part of Plan A !!!
That is some serious self-pampering .... which may include but is not limited to:
>manicures/pedicures
>dates with friends
>hire a sitter so YOU can have fun
>relaxing your usually busy schedule
>say "No, I can't do that now." when you are running out of energy
>pray and ask for spiritual and emotional support from someone wise in your circle of trust
>buy all new sheets
>paint the bedroom
>treat yourself to something sexy to wear
>try a new hairstyle
>get contact lenses or Kewl new glasses
>glam up
>buy concert/theater tickets
>exercise
Self pampering will keep your Taker happy for awhile which IMPROVES your Plan A
~~~~~~~
and finally, This is an old post of mine ... written in 2002... I was trying to put the "doormat of Plan A" issue to rest .... in my own mind. Now you can look at what I came up with, back then.
Looking back ... I can see I worked myself through a very awkward "plan A" ....
although I never heard of plan A until years into recovery and I started poking around this site.
Looking back ... I can see my efforts to become differentiated ... although I did not read Schnarch's Passionate Marriage until years into recovery.
Plan A is very much complementary to Schnarch's ideas of differentiation.
Developing a positive identity within the context of a marriage struggling to overcome infidelity.
Developing a strong sense of self-worth that is valid both within and outside the boundaries of the marriage.
I can NOW see plan A as a path to greater self worth and NOT necessarily as a plan to "win back" the heart and mind of the infidel ... although that might happen.
It is a plan to differentiate myself and identify myself as a worthy person apart from the circumstances of the marriage relationship.
Plan A'ers are not like doormats to wipe your feet upon and to mis-use .... more like a *welcome home* sign... if both persons choose to re-inter the marriage!
Plan A says : "I can hold onto my better self under the worst of circumstances".
Schnarch says: "We develop a contingent identity based on a 'self-in-relationship'. Because our identity depends on the relationship, we may demand that our partner doesn't change so that our identity won't either."
Then ... comes the grenade of infidelity tossed into the marriage and the entire fusion of identities is blown apart!
The aftermath of the grenade then boils down to this question ....
WHO THE HECK AM I ... AND ... WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?
And, asking this question to the *fogged-in* infidel is pointless. They got INTO the affair because they were lost to themselves, and went searching for a new self .... and, INSTEAD of differentiating themselves ... they fused identity to yet another relationship ... actually moving away from a healthy differentiated view of their self-worth ----> I am wonderful because my affair partner thinks so.
Plan A says and demonstrates to OURSELVES: I am not some weak pathetic person deserving to be abandoned or cheated. I am demonstrating decent and loving behaviour. I am worthy of love and devotion. ... If the infidel notices .... double bonus points. If not, I become better differentiated along the way ... and I can see my strengths despite terrible and hurtful circumstances.
Once I become more fully differentiated and have stable and accurate self-worth (after the grenade) ... I am then in the position to identify
healthy choices.
I can honestly say that I will be a sensational woman within this marriage... or after this marriage terminates.
I think I finally understand what I went through. I understand that I am the better woman for it. I understand my spouse is the better man for it.
That is a powerful message to myself.
The anxiety that floods the betrayed spouse is the perceived loss of identity .
Self worth and a differentiated identity is the harvest of plan A .
I think I get it now.
Best to all of you travelers on this journey!
