I have all of their passports ( they have double nationality), but he has the Spainsh ID's.
They can travel in Europe just with IDs.
I might want to tell him to bring the IDs with him and give them back to me, otherwise restrict his visits over Christmas.
I am so so worried.
The paperwork he signed was basically the agreement that we are separated but can travel freely between countries with the kids, so they could not stop me at the airport, but they cannot stop him either.
The thing is I don't think this paper is valid in the UK.
I will need a back up plan and quick.
Already filled in the callback forms for a family lawyer...

You must see a lawyer, but at the same time, don't freak out.

Are your kids entitled to Spanish or any other nationality? There is the possibility that your H would apply for passports in that other nationality if so. He could also claim that their UK passports are lost or destroyed and apply for replacements that he could use to get them abroad. Ask a lawyer about how this can be prevented.

Talk to your kids so that they know to alert the authorities if he tries to take them abroad. They are old enough to know that this would be happening and to protest loudly at the port of departure.

Do not freak out, because remember; OW does not want her love affair intruded upon by some other woman's resentful, hating kids - and she knows that they will hate her every minute of every day, and they will make her life intolerable. Your H might have a fantasy in his head that he is the better parent and that the girls would be happier with him, but OW will soon show him how lukewarm she is about that idea. He will have to face the choice between his affair and his kids. She won't allow him to have both.
He won't go far with this idea if indeed he has it in his head.

I see that your kids do have the right to dual nationality via their father. See a lawyer but don't panic.

HI, I have a 10 year old too.
I understand your frustration.
I suggest you unplug the phone past 8:00. Alternatively, one mother had her IM send a message that the child would call him daily at a time (like 6:00) and she would dial the number and hand the phone to the child. What the child does from then on is up to the child.

Moving is a huge change for a kid. Its unfortunate that you had to move. Your daughter has to make new friends, her parents are getting divorced and she lives in a new place. That is absolute chaos for a kid.
Its really important that you try to be as emotionally stable as possible so your child feels safe.

Routine, Routine Routine. Children find safety and security in routines.

If you havent already done so I encourage you to consider sending your child to a therapist also

SC,
they entitled to four passports each ( yeah, great..)
They only have two each which is German and Spanish (Venezuelan is useless in Europe, Polish takes a year to sort out....)
He cannot apply for the German passport as they need to do the fingerprints first, therefore they need to go with him to the German embassy and it will take a good few months.
He cannot apply for Spanish passport replacement as they need to be present to pick it up.
He can however use the IDs that he already has, unless I phone up the Spanish embassy here and report them lost/stolen. Not sure if this is legal though.

Spoke with my SIL that I never had a relationship with before. Now we are getting much closer, how stange. My WH's father left ( had an affair, or more than one) and although kept in touch with children ( SIL 9 y/old, my WH 4 y/old at the time) he had never reconcilied with my MIL.

My SIL spoke with WH a week ago and said to me that he is totally broke,he says that I am turning the girls against him ( not true) that I tricked him into signing papers and made promises that he could stay with us whenever he comes to visit to London.

I did make promises as I wanted him to let me out from Spain with my children. And so I said many things that I have no intention of doing ( such as the girls can come and spend holidays with him and his toxic OW).

My SIL said to him that I did a right thing and any mother would do the same in my situation. She also told me that he had no time to react/think as I was out of the country within days.
He would not let me out a few weeks later as he regrets his decision now.

He said to her that the girls would be much better with him ( he has no money, no place to live- staying in extra bedroom with his OW), works part time in the evenings, so my kids would have to be with OW everyday after school. My SIL told him that this would not be for the good of the girls and asked him how he can even come up with this. OWs ex parner and her two kids and her mother all live together in the same house!@�$%^&*

She also said to me that he is "illusionist" about his MLM business, so brainwashed that cannot see things as they are, but keeps going eventhough after 2 years he still had not made any money.

Ok, I know this is not plan B, listening about how bad your WH is feeling/doing but it really made my day!


Got AD from my Doc this morning, so need to suffer only a week more. Dopamine should kick in in the first 2weeks max, hopefully sooner.

JKnight,
I read your thread, so sorry what you are going through.
If you know my situation you understand why I had to move out and do it quickly.
My WH is metally gone. In fact so gone that I think he might be a different person all together. And no touch with reality in many areas, family, money, future prospects, his new woman. Oh well, good luck to him.

Czarne,

STOP talking to him or to other people about him. It not only makes you feel badly, but it feeds the affair. When people are in affairs, they talk to their affair partner about things that are wrong in their life. The focus is outside the affair - two people against the world. What do you think is the main conversation between your H and his OW? How mean you are? How he could bring the children to Spain? Feeding these conversations (how long until his sister told him everything you said - a New York minute?) to H and his OW keeps the affair ignited. Let the two of them stew in their own life with each other. You already said it was a mess. There is no way they can adequately meet each other's needs. Stop giving them reasons to stay together.

I am sorry if this seems blunt. Do you fully understand the dynamics of Plan B?

AM

I would not confide anything in the sister in law

AM,
Yes, I know, I need a kick in a butt.
I read a lot about plan B, I have the books, I understand NC 100%.

I miss him so much, you have no idea.... I want to know if he misses me ( he doesn't) I want to know when he'll wake up and come back to me.
I want him back today ( tomorrow will be different probably with my mood swings).
This is so difficult, cannot focus on anything else, just thinking what if I stayed there, what if I caught it eariler on, what if, what if.

Him and his sister do not really have a relationship, they just tolerate each other. She understands me but blames both of us for the split up and feels very sorry for the girls, who are going through exactly the same as her 40 years ago.

So when I call her next time I will not mention a word about him, and won't let her tell me anything either.
Eventhough I am dying to know....

Are you in divorce ? Or only separated?

Separated "only" :o)

cz,

I totally agree with what AM said. Part of Plan B is for you to heal from the damage from the wayward. You can not heal when you keep having these Plan B breaks.

What is it going to take for you to get in and stay dark?

When is your appointment with a lawyer?

Czarne, I can relate to where you are coming from. I have felt the same way about my husband, a sort of impatient waiting and dread over whether he would ever break out of the fog and come back to us, his family. Your H sounds a lot like mine, not a provider, very entitled, etc. Time has helped tremendously, as have ADs, counseling, and success in other areas of my life. And I have developed a "family" of friends that is invaluable and truly there for me. Just today I was thinking back over the last year and all the experiences I've had, all the challenges I've faced and overcome, and how he has no clue shout any of it. And honestly, I wouldn't want to bother catching him up on everything he's missed! I am totally at peace moving forward. You WILL get there too...but you need time and space to heal. Some things that helped me were writing out a list of questions I would need answered, and writing and modifying what my conditions for recovery are. I've also had some great readings about codependency and I bet you would benefit from them yourself. But you will overcome this, and your kids will survive as well. Jedi had some great points about ten year olds and the difficulty of just moving. Can you get them into counseling?

I re-read your post a hundred times, did not understand the dynamics fully. I thought that plan B was to heal and separate your WS so that he/she cannot have his/hers need met.

What you wrote is so true, I am sure they talk about me most of the time. How dishonest I was, how I played him etc and he was SO kind to let me out of the country...

Need to print it out and read it every hour :o)
Thank you AM!

Part of Plan B is to shut the door to the WS and so the AP has to meet all of the WS needs. If all they can do is talk about how evil you are that will not last long when you aren't providing them any drama.

Plan b is not just making contact with him impossible, it also requires you to redirect your energy and attention AWAY from him. No looking at pictures, no facebook to see what he's up to. NO CONTACT for you, so that you can start to heal.

This means telling all of your mutual friends that you don't want to know what he's up and not to talk to you about him.

Its hard and requires discipline but it's worth it as you start to feel better and develop your own life. It will help your kids. They will see you healing which will make it easier for them to feel safe and protected by you.

As the other posters have mentioned Plan B is about your healing, focusing on you and your children and moving forward with your lives. Affairs thrive on drama so removing yourself from the drama as well as not meeting any of WH needs places more pressure on OW, this begins to impact the A.

I am in real mess right now.
My cousin who is my IM had a fight with my WH over the phone in front of my kids, they got very upset.
She was right to respect her space and not call too many times just to tell them that he loves them/ misses them while we are struggling financially and there is no support from him.
It was absolutely awful. She also sent him an email to tell him what she thinks about him, not very plan B an IM, she is way too emotionally involved so cannot do it anylonger.

He emailed my daughter with bold letters a message to me to tell me to contact him asap to discuss possible misunderstandings???

I know he is worried sick about the girls and thinks I did the horrible thing to them leaving Spain and daddy behind, but he cannot understand that I did it for the girls and their safety. And for my mental health as well.

I keep thinking what would have happened if I stayed there, maybe my decision was premature?

czarne. You are letting the wayward drive the bus. That is why there is so much drama in your life. Remove yourself from the drama.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Take control of the steering wheel.

Your decision to leave because of his flaunted adultery was thought out and certainly not premature. It would have been very painful and unhealthy for YOU to have to endure his cruelty.

Your IM is on your side, which is good, but she needs to work hard at remaining neutral. Can she do this in the future? If not, you should find another IM.

Please spare yourself the fogbabble and do not contact him directly.

He did the horrible thing by committing adultery. You did what you needed to do to protect yourself and your daughters. Please don't rethink and rehash your decision to leave Spain. You needed to do this.

Ditto. Your husband is having a great time, upsetting you and your cousin. Every few days, he is able to get you, her and the girls in an emotional state. AND YOU LET HIM. Did your cousin read any of the materials here about being in IM?

So what if your cousin fought with your fogged out wayward husband! HE made this mess.

And don't second guess yourself. Just think how you would be doing if you stayed in Spain, watching him flaunt getting prettied up with the cologne you gave him to go have sex with this mistress. And then you would get to see her at the girl's school the next day.

AM